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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wanting to take kids on family holiday alone

299 replies

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 10:44

Hi guys,

myself and my husband are currently going through a separation. Previous to this we had booked a family holiday to the Philippines for 1 month in July this year. My husband hasn’t been home in 5 years and his family have never met our 2 children. We have split up since booking the holiday, but currently still live together, as we are waiting to sell our house. We both agreed that we would still take the kids on holiday together before the house sells and we divorce.

Recently my husband told me that I’m not coming with them, and that he will be “taking his children on holiday without me, as he doesn’t want me there around his family”. I’m devastated, as I really want to go and see me kids enjoy the holiday. I will never be able to take them away like this with all 4 of us again, so it’s really important for me. I don’t want to stop them from seeing their family, but at the same time I can’t sit back while they leave. I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:31

@greenteafiend my mum agrees with him, so no I can’t really trust anyone at this point. I’m so scared now. I have the passports hidden, but they’re at home and there’s a chance he could find them. We are both off today. God I’m so stressed and worried

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 13/06/2022 13:32

Gosh can you imagine how confusing this would be for a 2 and 4 year old. A month is a long time.

id be questioning his parental capability even considering taking them alone for that long, I wouldn’t be allowing this.

Staryflight445 · 13/06/2022 13:33

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:31

@greenteafiend my mum agrees with him, so no I can’t really trust anyone at this point. I’m so scared now. I have the passports hidden, but they’re at home and there’s a chance he could find them. We are both off today. God I’m so stressed and worried

destroy them.

Gizacluethen · 13/06/2022 13:33

No fucking way would my H be taking my kids anywhere for a month without me.

I absolutely think he's going to try to stay there with your kids. The fact he's applied for a court order is really telling. You need to get the kids away from him. When I was young my dad, English born and bred, wasn't allowed to have me unsupervised because he wouldn't give my passport up and was considered a flight risk. There is no way the courts would decide in his favour to take your children to his home country in this situation. Don't give the passports up, don't leave him alone with them.

MsPavlichenko · 13/06/2022 13:33

There’s no point in hoping things will be amicable. Things are not. You need to wise up fast. This is only the start possibly.

Get a lawyer asap. Use the holiday money if you need to. You need to make sure he doesn’t take the DC away without you. You don’t know he wouldn’t keep/leave them there . Just for spite. He has got legal advice apparently. Start looking/asking around this afternoon.

whynotwhatknot · 13/06/2022 13:33

you ned some legal advice-so not sign anything to let him take them dont give the pasports over

i cant see a judge letting him take them for that long at their age but who knows-you need something legal to stop him

KazzaN · 13/06/2022 13:34

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:31

@greenteafiend my mum agrees with him, so no I can’t really trust anyone at this point. I’m so scared now. I have the passports hidden, but they’re at home and there’s a chance he could find them. We are both off today. God I’m so stressed and worried

He's talking absolute bollocks and trying to scare you into capitulating.
He HASNT got a court order- and if he has then ask him to show it you!
I separated from my daughters dad when my dd was age 3, we had to give written permission for each other to take her on holiday by ourselves
Stay strong! What a dick he is being!

chocolateoranges33 · 13/06/2022 13:34

From your last update, please seek legal advice. I wouldn't being allowing any visits if I was you due to the possible risk that he wouldn't bring them back. It is not unheard of that bitter exes can do just this - he could leave them with his family in the phillipines and return here to live leaving them there and they may be very little you can do about it. Please seek legal advice urgently.

whynotwhatknot · 13/06/2022 13:35

get rid of the passports in whatever way is necessary

KazzaN · 13/06/2022 13:35

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:31

@greenteafiend my mum agrees with him, so no I can’t really trust anyone at this point. I’m so scared now. I have the passports hidden, but they’re at home and there’s a chance he could find them. We are both off today. God I’m so stressed and worried

Grab the passports, leave the house and post them to a trusted friend x

Yodaisawally · 13/06/2022 13:35

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:02

Is there any free legal advice I can get about this? Like anything that can protect me and my kids, if say I went there with them and he dioceses to keep them there?

If he decides to keep them there there is fuck all you can do.

WilsonMilson · 13/06/2022 13:37

There is absolutely NO way i would let my husband, if he was a foreign national or frankly even if he wasn’t, take my children to the other side of the world a month at ages 4 and 2 without me, to stay with people they don’t know for a month.

No bloody way on this earth!

Keep their passports and refuse to allow him to take them. You are well within your rights. I can’t believe your own mother doesn’t agree with you. Apart from the obvious ‘will be bring them back?’ question, they are far too young to be away from you for so long. Ridiculous. Say no.

greenteafiend · 13/06/2022 13:37

Is there a good friend you can trust, or a relative or any kind even if they are not local?

In the meantime, read this page of advice from the gov't authorities on "Preventing parental child abduction," and get in touch with the relevant people today. Get his name flagged with a warning and get your kids put on an official record of "at risk of child abduction."

www.gov.uk/government/publications/international-parental-child-abduction/international-parental-child-abduction

You or your lawyer can also write to the consulate of the Phils to explain the risk and ask if they will refuse to issue a Filipino passport. See the link.

Do everything possible to get him flagged as a "problem" on official records. Do not waste time trying to be nice or amicable or avoid actions that seem mean or vengeful. Your children's safety needs to come first. As mothers, we protect our children first and foremost--feelings of the useless ex husband are immaterial.

rhianfitz · 13/06/2022 13:37

Please do not let them go, there is a chance you will not get your children back. Maybe give the passports to someone that you trust? Keep them in your locker at work? It is not nice to tell your colleagues that you have split up but far worse to tell them your children have been kidnapped by their father.

Spohn · 13/06/2022 13:38

You obviously need legal advice, as everyone has already said.

Kastri · 13/06/2022 13:39

You say you have no idea about the leagality and want to be amicable.
All of us are saying 'get legal advice' Thats all we can advise.It is not amicable and the sooner you face reality the better.

LemonTT · 13/06/2022 13:40

The idea that you go on holiday with them is just not workable.

You have split up and will not be taking holidays together. There will now be periods of separation between you and your children. He will have sole care of the children for periods of time. This is the reality of life after you separate.

The courts will not let you prevent him from taking him to visit his family at all. Unless there is solid evidence that he won’t return. With a UK job and residency that’s unlikely. They might ask for adjustments to the planned visit.

The question for both of you is whether you want to co parent or counter parent. Going to court over everything, is counter parenting and expensive. It’s the worse thing you can do to your children.

There are compromises here. You could ask that he makes a shorter trip, a delay to the trip until the children are older, that he gets travel insurance and gives you FaceTime access during the holiday.

Again you have split up. That means holidays and family visits apart. The courts will accommodate this no matter how much you object. The best thing to do is ask for a shorter holiday, FaceTime, plus some basic assurances. This might be workable for all.

FangsForTheMemory · 13/06/2022 13:41

You are going to have to toughen up, OP. He is not going to be nice about this. Get a friend to keep the kids' passports for you and make sure the authorities know they are not to leave the country. He may just be ramping up the stress for you for the hell of it, but you cannot let concerns about what people might think stop you from protecting your children.

dreamingbohemian · 13/06/2022 13:41

You need legal advice

Can you give the passports to a trusted friend? Or in your office, if you work outside the home?
Otherwise see if your bank offers safe deposit boxes, they are not that expensive if you just need a small one for documents.

MadameFantabulosa · 13/06/2022 13:42

Give their passports, and yours, to a family member or trusted friend for safekeeping.

FeetupTvon · 13/06/2022 13:44

If he was putting the children first he wouldn’t take them away from you for a month at 2 and 4 years old.
This rings alarm bell.
Seek legal advice ASAP.

Original poster
Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:44

Ok thank you guys, my friend is coming to take the passports away. I’m looking into legal advice now. God I feel so stupid, I didn’t think he would be such an arse about this. What a nightmare

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 13/06/2022 13:45

LemonTT · 13/06/2022 13:40

The idea that you go on holiday with them is just not workable.

You have split up and will not be taking holidays together. There will now be periods of separation between you and your children. He will have sole care of the children for periods of time. This is the reality of life after you separate.

The courts will not let you prevent him from taking him to visit his family at all. Unless there is solid evidence that he won’t return. With a UK job and residency that’s unlikely. They might ask for adjustments to the planned visit.

The question for both of you is whether you want to co parent or counter parent. Going to court over everything, is counter parenting and expensive. It’s the worse thing you can do to your children.

There are compromises here. You could ask that he makes a shorter trip, a delay to the trip until the children are older, that he gets travel insurance and gives you FaceTime access during the holiday.

Again you have split up. That means holidays and family visits apart. The courts will accommodate this no matter how much you object. The best thing to do is ask for a shorter holiday, FaceTime, plus some basic assurances. This might be workable for all.

This is a bit different from “taking a holiday” in Cornwall or “visiting family” an hour’s drive away.
You really can’t see that?

titchy · 13/06/2022 13:45

Thatgirlcat · 13/06/2022 13:31

@greenteafiend my mum agrees with him, so no I can’t really trust anyone at this point. I’m so scared now. I have the passports hidden, but they’re at home and there’s a chance he could find them. We are both off today. God I’m so stressed and worried

I bet if you told your mum you suspected he wouldn't be bringing them back she'd change her tune!

Gunpowder · 13/06/2022 13:46

If he’s going to get a court order you absolutely need legal advice. (Maybe spend some of the holiday money?) According to this solicitors page they can put in place notarised agreements and even bonds to ensure the children are returned to you. It also says a judge will take into account the children's’ ages/circumstances as well as the risk of non-return and the impact the possibility of this would have on the kids. They are still very little, I think with good legal help he either wouldn’t be able to take them or at least would have to sign something promising to bring them back, especially if you are the primary carer.