Husband wanting to take kids on family holiday alone

[Thatgirlcat]

Hi guys,

myself and my husband are currently going through a separation. Previous to this we had booked a family holiday to the Philippines for 1 month in July this year. My husband hasn’t been home in 5 years and his family have never met our 2 children. We have split up since booking the holiday, but currently still live together, as we are waiting to sell our house. We both agreed that we would still take the kids on holiday together before the house sells and we divorce.

Recently my husband told me that I’m not coming with them, and that he will be “taking his children on holiday without me, as he doesn’t want me there around his family”. I’m devastated, as I really want to go and see me kids enjoy the holiday. I will never be able to take them away like this with all 4 of us again, so it’s really important for me. I don’t want to stop them from seeing their family, but at the same time I can’t sit back while they leave. I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone got any advice?

Your mum is ridiculous and that’s probs my part of the reason youve ended up with such a cruel man

he’s clearly trying to punish you. Laughing at you. Telling you that you have no choice, no say, no power
he is trying to crush you like you crushed him for wanting a divorce. Would you do the same to him? I’m guessing no. So why are your standards for him so low.

keep hold of the kids passports, keep them safe. Keep hold of the money you were going to use, keep it safe. If you bought the house with funds you brought to the marriage you do not have to sell it if you can afford not to. You don’t have to give him anything.
if it’s your house too - why is he still living there? Unless you have some fiancé sponsor thing then he’s not your problem.

tell your kids you’re divorcing and get him out of there asap. He’s not treating you well your kids can see that being modelled to them. That ‘happy’ family holiday is gone. It won’t happen now. He’s too angry and trying to punish you. Let that idea go it’s no longer an option. Your options are you and the children don’t go on the holiday, or do and you will be treated cruelly infront of your children by him, and likely his family.

you say you have no bad feelings for him but you should have. He is being cruel and trying to hurt you instead of putting your children first. Pathetic.

Ok thank you guys, my friend is coming to take the passports away. I’m looking into legal advice now. God I feel so stupid, I didn’t think he would be such an arse about this. What a nightmare

It's OK--get the kids themselves and passports somewhere safe to start with, then read the link I posted, follow the advice step by step and stay calm. You can do this!

Don't let your mother know where the kids' passports or the kids themselves are, in case dear ex-husband sweet-talks her into disclosing this information.

It could well be that the nastiness of that court order business may have saved you a lot of heartache in the long run, OP. I am so glad you have woken up to what might happen.

Firstly, just because you’re separating and he’s from another country doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s planning to take them abroad and never bring them back. Yes it happens, of course it does, but to state that every foreigner is going to abduct their children back to their home country and never return is blatant racism.

Nobody has stated that every foreigner would do this. But even though the risk is low, the consequences are pretty dire so in overall risk assessment, it rates quite high on the risk scale. Racism doesn't factor in to it.

Hello OP. It is my understanding you can take a child out of the jurisdiction for up to 21 (or is it 23) days without the other parents consent. I never get consent and I this about four times a year and I am battling out a leave to remove case (I want to take DC permanently back to my home country). Given his trip is a month I think you can oppose it or at least make a good case for yourself legally. Just get a solicitor and do it quickly. I don’t know the ins and outs for you and you can’t faff about with this.

as a previous person said, stop thinking this could be amicable. It already isn’t. X

@titchy my mum would probably just say I'm being stupid and I should let him take them. I have sought legal advice now, I'm just waiting for a call back soon. My mum and rest of my family have never really supported me. For years they knew I wasn't happy with him and they all told me to leave him and I can always stay with them etc if I ever needed. So funny that now I have, they don't seem to care and are sticking up for him.

Change your phone passcode and email logins etc. just in case.

Let's get the hysteria out of the way first. Is he likely to kidnap the kids? Yes? - then don't let them go. No?- he just wants to introduce his children to his family - then I would ask him to reduce the time to 2 weeks. It's hard on you, but if it were the other way round I know that I would be taking the kids to meet my family, what about you, would you take them to meet your family? If you agree then you need to play fair.

@Shedcity We bought the house together, I asked him to move out just while we sell the house and he said no. I can't afford to rent in my area and waiting to see if I can be placed for council housing. Now all this has started, I feel even more stressed about everything. I can't drive either, so can't take the kids away.

It was always my understanding that if you co-own a home together with your spouse, you can't really kick them out as the are just entitled to being there as you are? maybe I'm wrong though

This was written in Feb and as of then it doesn't look like you'd be able to force him to bring them back. Don't do it, I think there's a good chance none of them would come back.

Until the Philippines establishes individual treaty relationships with the prior signatories to the Convention, then parents — whose children are abducted from those countries to the Philippines or whose children are wrongfully retained in the Philippines — cannot invoke the Convention to enforce their children’s return.

A running tally of the countries with whom the treaty is in force with the Philippines can be found here.

As of this writing, the only countries with whom the treaty is in force with the Philippines are: Japan, Peru, Ukraine, Republic of Moldova, Chile, New Zealand, Andorra, Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Uruguay, Georgia, and Mexico.

Tell him either you go with them or he goes on his own. No way would I risk him never bringing my kids home
Never

Ignore your mum, her opinion does not matter. A court will not allow a 2 year old to be separated for a month, esp if you mention suspicions he’ll keep them there. sit down and tell him this. He’s welcome to waste his money. He can either accept you are all going as a family, or he can accept you and the kids are not coming.

If you both own the house, I don't think you can force him to leave. Have you put the house up for sale yet?

Have you spoken to him and said for the sake of the kids let me go and keep things normal.

I wouldn't be accusing him of trying to take the kids away BUT unless they are the age of consent he shouldn't be calling the shots it's still combined parenting. As you are getting a divorce tell him such matters need to be agreed upon mutually. If your not happy to let them go without you then tough BUT it's the same vice versa. Again if your kids are older then 10/11 then they are of the age of consent (that's how it is in the medical world any way) might be 16 elsewhere....

It is not reasonable for a 4 and 2 year old to be taken away from their main care giver for a month.

P.s no guarantee he won't do a runner even with you there - if your listening to others suspicions. The only way to prevent such a situ would be to prevent them going abroad to start with.

Op do not agree to this. Personally I wouldn't agree to going with them either ay this point. It's just not worth the risk of losing your children abd any reasonable father would not even have suggested this. Get some legal advice.

@dreamingbohemian Yes, that's what I thought too. No, I haven't signed to give my permission yet, as if the house sells I have nowhere to live and I will have the kids to look after too.

OP - I am divorced, with 2 kids and we have a few passports/nationalities between me and my Ex.
And my advice - go find a lawyer quickly. He should escalating and acting unreasonably and you can not trust him.
Forget the man you married - he doesn’t exist. This man in front of you can’t be trusted to not abduct your children.
It is that bad now. Don’t hope for the best.

You need to urgently file with the court something that would prevent him from traveling on his own. My guess is that he is bluffing - as before there js a divorce and child arrangement agreement between you - I don’t see how court would be ruling on this specific holiday. Not when you clearly disagree.

So - to protect your kids - and to make sure your H doesn’t think he can do whatever he likes (which he seems to now) - you need to Do this now.
i don’t know exactly how to do it - but between child services, legal aid and/solicitor - you should be able to find a way.
Your H is clearly a flight risk. He doesn’t have a British passport. In addition - kids are too small to be taken from either parent for whole months, without explicit agreement.

@WonderingWanda Yes I'm definitely not going now after I've seen him become aggressive with me. I have called a solicitor, just waiting to hear back from them. He keeps trying to get me to sign a permission form saying I give permission for him to take them, I ripped it up again and he started shouting at me.

100% all this

I was about to say I see his point but then I read they are only 2 and 4. That’s too young to be away from you for a whole month.

is he going 50/50 custody? If he isn’t I’d try to get the courts to let you stay in the house until they are 18 - unless selling it releases enough equity for you to adequately house the children.

Why can’t the family come to visit them?
To save such small children being taken thousands of miles from
their mum? Use the air fare to fly over a couple of family members instead, if they want to see the DC that badly.

I wouldn't allow this for a moment. It is far better that people know your business than your children being kept in the Philippines with your husband's family. He could even return to the UK without them. I think it is not a good idea for you to go on this holiday as after all you are getting divorced and to be fair your husband probably wants to spend time with his family without his estranged spouse. Stop crying and get legal advice. I would do everything I could to stop the children leaving the country and accept no assurances at all from my husband on the subject. Legal rights are all very well but you do not want to have to rely on them when your children are who knows where in the Philippines and he's not answering his phone.

Absolutely not. They are far to young to be away from either parent for that length of time.

I would be incredibly concerned they would not return home.