Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

I think you need to get in there first with your bosses, OP. Don't let this man and his batshit wife derail your career.

If you have a good track record and can do the job well - and I've no doubt that you have and you can - they aren't going to lose a good contractor because the other freelancer's wife is paranoid and wants to control his work partner.

If she wants to force him to request a different partner on Monday, let her. That's not your problem. If they have anything they want to discuss with you, they will, but I can't see what.

Just demonstrate that if anyone's going to cause them a headache, it won't be you. You're not sending emails about non-existent drama, you're not wasting time on this fantasy situation. You're just doing your job.

OP I'm sorry this has happened. At the risk of derailing slightly, may I ask - does the TV industry treat men in the same way? I'm interested that women who have relationships with colleagues / show participants are pilloried in this way. Does the same apply to men who do the same?

A thought I had, this may not be her first time accusing a co-worker of his, in which case he and his nutty wife will already have a reputation.

I remember a doctor's wife who would remove all magazines with attractive celebrities in them from the waiting room because it inflamed her husband, TV at home was censored she was quite mad. They split up when she cheated on him. Now divorced she still goes nuts if she sees him talking to any women.

Agree. Speak to the PM first.
So sad that this is happening. Shows what a disadvantage us women have in the workplace just for being women.

This makes me wonder whether he has been suffering from a slight case of mentionitis at home.

I would email and say just a heads up, probably a storm in a teacup but I received these messages on Friday. Obviously nothing in it all from my end but just filling you in in case anything more comes of it.

Until the next woman he works with says the same thing, or his wife finds out the PM is a woman, or she turns up at his work…

If you think people are pointing fingers, point back at him. Say “oh it was so awkward, his wife got drunk one Friday night and sent me a load of crazy texts accusing me of all kinds, and he’s had to ask not to work with a woman any more because she’s so jealous. Boyfriend and me were really creeped out by it”.

There’s no reason you’ll get the blame for this over him. What is he going to say, he can’t work with you any more because his wife doesn’t trust him around female colleagues? That isn’t going to look great on him is it?

I bet she’s a mumsnetter. Somewhere on the relationship board someone’s advising her to trust her spidey senses.

Just because the wife says he's going to request a new partner doesn't mean he will, she might be trying to flex her muscles and get some control over the situation. I'd speak to the partner first and try to assess the situation based on his replies, then you can decide whether to escalate. How awful for you to be caught up in this.

I hope you are now getting some sleep.

Stay calm - editors do not get to demand new producers, this woman has no idea what she’s talking about, and she is harassing you.

In the morning send an email to your PM:
‘sorry to bother you on a Saturday but I think I need to let you know I got a strange series of messages from someone who appears to be Xs partner (screen shots below).

Obviously X and I are just colleagues so I’ve no idea what this is about.
I will come by on Monday to check if there’s anything you need me to do.’

Attach screenshots of the messages on the bottom, including yours. Don’t respond to any further messages from the wife .
But forward any more to your PM on Sunday night.

When you go in on Monday check in with your PM who will tell you to crack on and let her know if there are any issues.
She might need to confidentially forward your mail to her hd of production just to keep a paper trail.

If your editor did ask to swap (he almost certainly won’t - no one wants to work with an editor with a crazy personal life), you need to establish very clearly that you haven’t done a thing, which it’s why it’s important to send that email in the morning.

The only person who is going to look bad is him, an older bloke whose out of control personal life is impacting a young woman’s career. No company wants that kind of publicity. What I would also do is join Bectu, one of their advisors will have a reassuring chat with you. In the incredibly unlikely event there is a kerfuffle on Monday they will help you steer through it.

Most likely you are just going to face a sheepish editor on Monday. It will be awkward but by the of the week you’ll both have found a way forward.

Don’t concern yourself with his wife.
They sound a chaotic high drama couple and they won’t last. Whether he is a cheat or whether they are just unhappy is none of your concern.

Hope you feel better and can have a calm weekend.

Honestly don’t worry about not getting work, apart from the fact that this is drama over nothing, there is a screaming staff shortage at the moment.

I would 100 percent tell the gaffa before he does and get ahead of it, however, I'm thinking he will be too embarrassed

I'd definitely reply, otherwise she's going to escalate. Just say (mostly what previous posters suggested) "my relationship with your husband is purely professional. I object very strongly to your assumption that I'm the type of woman who would involve herself with a married man. Please don't contact me again." And then block her number on WhatsApp and your phone in general.

Yes, keep ALL her messages and your responses for evidence.

I totally agree with this. You were hired to do a job, and are being prevented from communicating with your Co-worker. I’d escalate this asap saying that Co-worker has blocked you and you need lines of comms agreed swiftly so the project can be completed. Screenshot your message screen which shows his photo has gone (ie you are blocked) and reiterate your own efforts to get the job done.

OP haven't had time to read all responses but based on your own posts - could it help if you got in there first, by contacting the project manager and stating that if possible you would prefer to no longer be paired with this guy?

If he demanding a transfer away from you makes you look difficult, surely this should have the same effect on him?

Of course, in practice the rules may be different for women. Sorry you have to deal with this sexist bullshit. Troublemaker, eh? Where's the blacklist for misbehaving men?

I’ve been ‘that women’ however I would never lower myself to txting my husbands colleagues.
contact her and tell her you’re in a loving relationship and your relationship with her partner is purely professional. Then in future avoid any clicky, friendship/casual txts or calls with him. Your job is worth more then then a friendship.
she sounds like she’s going through a tough time mentally with a new baby.

i beg to differ. She should stay completely away from any direct communication with wife. This is her business. If any comms she makes are captured by wife or colleague that are not related to her work she is leaving herself wide open to engaging with the behaviour.
so she either ignores, or points out to colleague he has a breach of his GDPR…simple …take the motion out of it. Don’t need to mention the sender was even his wife or tell him to deal with his wife…just tell him to close his accidental breach in data protection

🤷🏼‍♀️

Emotion not motion

I’d also add op, never give your personal numbers out to work. Keep seperate devices. Try to avoid working with people who don’t have separate devices, emails, logons for work vs home. Companies policies should include not sharing words on work devices with anyone to stop this sort of shit happening.

Try to avoid working with people who don’t have separate devices, emails, logons for work vs home

She’s freelance, she can’t stipulate the whole team have to have separate work phones and laptops

Just on the off chance...is it possible that it's actually him texting? Setting you up for 'my wife is crazy so we are separating, honest' (so he can hit on you later on).

Maybe he is having it away with someone else and she just assumed it was you..so he blocked you to protect the real affair partner.

Heck, maybe she is nuts and it's her that's blocked you off his phone and he is none the wiser.

Either way, I'd be inclined to screenshot the messages qnd then just block her. I doubt anything will come of it work wise as he isn't going to want to look bad either.

I’d get your side of the story in first to your bosses, in a factual, non emotional way.

As a PM, @Luredbyapomegranate has the best suggestion. Message the PM, the SP or both, depending on who you have the best relationship with. Clarify that you aren't expecting them to do anything over the weekend but wanted to make them aware. I would want to know about this, as would all the SPs I've worked with, because we can come up with a plan of attack then. As you say, we could switch edits if you'd be happier with that and could easily come up with a story if required - something about why we needed your experience on a different story etc. And if you were happier staying put then we'd know to check in with you about this and not just about playouts etc. It's not a scenario I've had before but it's the type of problem solving we do a lot without the rest of the team being aware.
I totally hear you about the freelancer fear - we all get it. But something like this would never put out on my blacklist. It would mean I never paired the Editor with a female EP again though, if he didn't end up on the blacklist.