Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

714 replies

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 22:07

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 11/06/2022 03:06

Definitely send a brief calm measured email to your boss Saturday am stating you are concerned and provide them with the facts in a chronological order. Given the recent events you want to avoid any doubts about your professional capacity.
You know, if she is so unhinged (and no, there is no justification for a normal person to harras a stranger in this manner, even if he is a serial cheater), it is entirely possible he will indeed ask to replace you just to shut her up. You definitely want to share your story first and don't wait until you see him and most definitely don't contact him personally via any means over the weekend!

Hawkins001 · 11/06/2022 03:08

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 22:07

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

Always assume his communications are being monitored, then I'd have any discussions in person, as one you know who your talking with, and two, at least then it's just the two of you, and three, why is the wife stepping in, if from the sounds of it, communications are above water so to speak.

waterrat · 11/06/2022 03:24

God I'm infuriated on your behalf op.

Please report this to s superior and say you are being harassed. Be honest say you ate concerned about your vulnerable position and hope they will recognise the power dynamic and support you.

Is there a senior woman you could approach for support who you trust.

What a total load of sexist unfair shit op I'm so sorry

Cluelessgift · 11/06/2022 03:26

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 23:26

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen

Do you work in telly too? Because I think of a PM for an email saying they no longer wanted to work with that person they'd be forced to address it (despite it being a huge PITA) and it's easy enough to swap me to the next episode whilst everyone whispers and finger points thinking BlueMoone had a bit of a thing with one of the editors and it went wrong, better not have her back as it caused us such a stress.

I doubt they'll just tell us to crack on if he's saying he can't work with me. Just makes me look so bad.

Surely if you’re a producer you’re fairly well established. Don’t you know anyone on the production that can vouch for you? I don’t think this is big enough to ruin your reputation, crew shag all the time. It doesn’t show you’re difficult to work with, which is all anyone cares about.
if he asks for someone new to work with then you just update the PM ‘as a heads up for the next EP.’

i do think you could have deescalated it a bit better with the text though!

Sortilege · 11/06/2022 04:14

Christinatherabbit · 10/06/2022 23:04

This!

Show quote history

Oh for the love of god. That’s terrible advice.

Sortilege · 11/06/2022 04:22

BlueMoone · 10/06/2022 23:13

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen Yes you have the job roles right- I can't really leave it and mention it to him in the suite if she's making him email the PM requesting a new producer though.

I'm mates with a girl who hasn't worked since a wrap party incident I'm sure there's more than one!

Just keep calm. The PM will handle it. Email or text at a sensible hour over the weekend. What batshit wife says he’s going to do (wants him to do) and what he actually does will likely be two different things anyway.

I don’t know many people who work in unscripted/reality but I had the exact same thought that I bet more than one crew member has done that at a wrap party. But you’ve done nothing and it won’t sound as though you have. Also, you’re contained in the edit suite and not in an on-set role so not so exposed to gossipers. Really try not to panic.

Sortilege · 11/06/2022 04:31

SunnyShiner · 10/06/2022 23:51

I would email and say just a heads up, probably a storm in a teacup but I received these messages on Friday. Obviously nothing in it all from my end but just filling you in in case anything more comes of it.

Yes that’s really good advice. Keep it light. Sound like the level headed one but basically say “I thought I should let you know because this could get awkward…”

FWIW I imagine the wife has grabbed all the phones, locked herself in the bathroom and it was something of a hostage situation in their house last night. I wouldn’t take her threats seriously at all. He is just as concerned for his career as you are for yours.

JingsMahBucket · 11/06/2022 04:37

EmilyBolton · 10/06/2022 22:43

Do not respond to her. Block her number if she contacted from different number

then sit down and write a formal letter to your coworker.

explain what happened, include a picture of the screen shot. Then state
that he is in breach of GDPR/data protection act by giving your number without your consent to his wife, or allowing your information to be breached by not controlling it.

state in the letter that you expect him to take immediate action to close this breach by deleting your details from any device his wife has access to. And that a repeat occurrence of her communicating with you will mean you will need to report the breach to the company contracting you both and ICO. Include the link to
ico.org.uk/for-organisations/report-a-breach/

State that you wish to continue your professional relationship to complete your assignments to the best of your abilities, and that you will, at this stage, assume he was unaware of the breach and therefore will deal with it and you can continue to complete your contract in a mutually respectful way

thank him for his immediate attention in dealing with this issue

sign, make sure it is dated. Hand it to him as soon as you see him next

. Then find a reason to leave him with it on his own for say 30 mins or so to digest. when you see him next ask him if he wants to discuss it further or just move on.

Companies or individuals can be fined large amounts for breches- he will hopefully figure this out and deal with his wife in whatever way is best given the risk to his professional career she has put him in.

This is fucking terrible advice. Doing this will get her fired and blacklisted @EmilyBolton. And it’s not a freaking GDPR violation. People throw that around without fully understanding what it means. @BlueMoone do NOT follow this silly advice.

LoekMa · 11/06/2022 04:44

Tell her to kick rocks.

Or send 10000x laughing emojis. Her issues are with her Husband, if shes too chicken to confront him, her problem.

MsChatterbox · 11/06/2022 04:50

SunnyShiner · 10/06/2022 23:51

I would email and say just a heads up, probably a storm in a teacup but I received these messages on Friday. Obviously nothing in it all from my end but just filling you in in case anything more comes of it.

Yes definitely do this!

NumberTheory · 11/06/2022 04:55

Is it worth you trying to get a request in first to work with someone else because of his inability to keep his personal life separate from his work life? Or are you, basically, the junior colleague in this situation and it won't matter whether you want to work with someone different or he does - you're the one that will get the red mark?

Alternatively, can you try looking for another contract now to start ASAP before lies about this situation can get around?

There has been a lot of discussion about how appalling the media industry is for sexist hiring and how easy it is to get away with because it's all short term contract work. I have no idea how you can effectively counteract it but I do hope you manage to. It's soul destroying to have that sort of thing hanging over you all the time.

JenniferPlantain · 11/06/2022 04:57

I work in the same industry.

You shouldn’t be worried here, you should be angry. You need to reframe this situation- it isn’t your problem, it’s his problem and you need to immediately address it with him tomorrow. As well as with any superiors.

Be as vocal as you need to be. Stop being passive. Take charge.

JingsMahBucket · 11/06/2022 04:58

Divebar2021 · 10/06/2022 23:54

I bet she’s a mumsnetter. Somewhere on the relationship board someone’s advising her to trust her spidey senses.

@Divebar2021 I was thinking exactly the same thing. I immediately imagined this woman would be following all the braying paranoid advice a lot of posters on MN give out. People on here really do not trust other women and immediately jump to “I wouldn’t be comfortable with my husband having coffee alone with a female coworker”. It’s weird and sad.

UniversalAunt · 11/06/2022 05:04

There is little you can do to directly resolve your concerns until you are at work on Monday. You need some time off at the weekend for your own R&R & let the dust settle/let matters cool on this, so that you have a clear head when you speak with your colleague.

I suggest as a technique to empty your mind of this junk, you allocate a half hour now to briefly list what your colleague has told you as bullet points, e.g.

met her
got pregnant 2nd date
got married
chikd now 6m
dog called fido
avocado bathroom suite

All the scraps & key points, just get it all out of your head into a document,
see how mundane rather than anything flirty it is & then give it no more thought.

Then list the sequence of the texts to & fro since his wife contacted you. Again get it out of your mind into a document so that you are not processing it.

Although both he & she have blocked you, make sure that you now block both of them so that you know that they cannot contact you until you see him in person.
Double check your social media security settings so that only friends can see you.

Detach yourself from their drama - all of it is between them.
Give yourself the weekend off.
Monday will come soon enough.

At work, do not entertain any further chat with him about his marriage etc
‘Hey mate, we work well together, let’s get on with it & keep everything professional’

Joystir59 · 11/06/2022 05:48

thistimelastweek · 10/06/2022 22:16

Do nothing. Say nothing.

And keep it very polite and professional with your colleague. I could be wrong but the over-sharing makes me think 'man on the make'. It's what his wife thinks.

Stay clear.

This is great advice

TibetanTerrah · 11/06/2022 06:15

Because of your precarious freelance status you need to tread carefully. Reputation is everything.

the higher ups will have come across this before, so a preemptive email with "I have no relationship with x outside of work, but I've been caught in the crossfire of his personal problems" is probably the wisest move. If anything, he is the one who should be moved off the project.

The worst part of this I think will be stewing about it all weekend, but once you've given the heads up to your boss(es) it is out of your control. As hard as it is, try your best to put it out of your mind this weekend. How stressful for you.

girlmom21 · 11/06/2022 06:17

redhoodred1 · 10/06/2022 22:54

I think it’s crystal clear that he has cheated in the past, otherwise she wouldn’t over react like this and he wouldn’t have blocked you. She should kick him to the kerb and stop harassing other women honestly 🙄

He probably hasn't cheated. She's probably just paranoid that they're together because of the baby so every woman he has a slight connection with is a threat in her mind.

Coffeetree · 11/06/2022 06:19

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 10/06/2022 22:21

Screenshot the message and send it to him. Tell him you do not give him permission to share your phone number with anyone outside of work. Tell him you have enjoyed working with him so far but your relationship is a professional one and you certainly are not interested in anything more. Don't reply to the wife, it's his job to have a word with her. He'll probably be mortified.

THIS

And see if you can go to communicating with him over email or regular text. I absolutely hate the expectation nowadays that we have to use our WhatsApp and other social media at work. It just opens the door to this nonsense.

famagusta · 11/06/2022 06:28

Op you are safe

it is ALL in writing

this woman has made a rookie error

Eddielizzard · 11/06/2022 06:32

Well I don't really know, but if you're on friendly terms with your manager / person who hired you, would you be able to phone them today and say 'hey you'll never guess what just happened.' I'd be tempted to preempt Monday if possible.

girlmom21 · 11/06/2022 06:34

I agree about preempting the situation on Monday. He might not even ask for anything to change and he'll just lie to her and say his request was declined, then leave her if he has any sense.

famagusta · 11/06/2022 06:34

And now absolutely no further engagement with her. None. You walk into work with head held high on Monday and work as hard and professionally as normal. No mention of this whatever to your colleague unless raised by him. If he does raise, ask that he puts everything in an email to you. Do not engage verbally on this matter at ALL

MadameFantabulosa · 11/06/2022 06:35

When I was 22 and living overseas, the wife of one of my colleagues called me at 2.00 am demanding that I send her husband home. She called me a slut and a marriage wrecker. I had no idea what she was on about, and said, why would your husband be here? (I barely knew her husband as he worked in a different team.) Once I had woken up a bit, I got cross and asked her why she thought a 22 year old would be interested in her 55 year old husband. Turns out he was having an affair but it wasn’t with me! Maybe your colleague is playing away and she is barking up the wrong tree?

AhNowTed · 11/06/2022 06:36

What's the betting the missed call was him trying to warn about the crazy wife who's got the wrong end of the stick.

RandomUser10093 · 11/06/2022 06:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.