Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

This sounds really hard, to realise a close friend has been taking you for granted. Best thing would be to speak to her I think, as when one of my friends ghosted me I was so distraught and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

peony thanks so much for responding. Prior conversations with this lady where I have tried to discuss something she has done to upset me have resulted in her being very defensive. I can honestly tell you that if I raised this issue her response would be "it wasnt my part and not my invitee list" - I know that that other friend got an invite through her though. I suppose what Im trying to say is that Id be wasting my breath as she isnt able to admit shes wrong. I need to keep my distance and be done with it.

I don't think it's unusual to suddenly realise a long term friendship is one-sided, OP. Don't go down the route of calling yourself names like 'spectacularly dim' - you wouldn't say that to someone else in your position, would you, because it's a spectacularly rude thing to call someone!

So, be respectful of yourself: she's been treating you poorly, you have now realised, and you are walking away from the friendship with dignity, and your head held high.

watch thanks for your post. You are right its unhelpful but the more I think back on things that happened over the years the more im puzzled as to why its taken this one last blatant act of disregard for me to finally call it quits.

There were so many examples over the years of times when she treated me badly and I ignored it - put it down to her having poor people skills etc. Really it was me trying to make it a proper friendship. I genuinely feel like its an attitude of not caring how I feel, as its "only panamera" . I cried for most of yesterday and slept poorly last night but I woke this morning resigned. Im mid 30's with a husband and children and a demanding job and really I need to put my energy into friends who respect and care for me and genuinely want to be my friend. I suppose I feel the waste of all the years keenly. Ive had alot of loss and trauma in my past and its left me the hangover of holding onto toxic people longer than I should. That needs to change.

She has just sent me a group photo of the party - Words fail me 🤦‍♀️

Who was in it? She sounds like a cow, but you sound lovely.

We all see what we want to see, @Panamera22 Don't be hard on yourself. Some people never realise. I think it's a sign of your burgeoning healthy new boundaries that you've suddenly realised what's happening. It's bad news for the friendship, but it's very good news for you. She's provided you with years of examples of prioritising you last: you'll spot them a mile off if anyone else ever tries to do the same to you again.

Are you familiar with the boiling frog analogy? It's really not unusual not to notice, then to suddenly go 'Hey, hang on a minute!'

jelly it was a family photograph, herself, her siblings and mum and dad, elderly grandparents and thank you for saying Im lovely. I started to doubt that about myself but another good friend of mine told me Im a great friend and not to doubt myself. I did respond to the photograph with a "great photo". I dont, for some reason, want her to know that im so bothered about this. I think its because I dont trust that she wont make an enormous scene and basically try to humiliate me more by going around telling everyone that I'm sulking as I didnt get an invite.

I get this totally having just ended a friendship of over twenty years when it became blatant how one sided it was. The worse feeling is the sense of humiliation that I allowed it to go on so long and the slight sense of shame at someone so ruthlessly using me and me not putting in boundaries that were so obviously needed, duh!

I ended mine with a short letter telling her how her behaviours made me feel with a couple of examples. Thanked her for the happy memories and wished her well. It gave me back a sense of control. Is that something that might help you to process this? It's not for everyone and needs very careful wording to prevent it coming across as aggressive.

However, what I have taken from this is to keep an eye on reciprocity in friendships as I allowed the giving with little taking to drift on for too long. If you have experienced this before perhaps it's time to look at any people pleasing tendencies as we teach others how to treat us.

I am sure my friendship would have ended a lot quicker if I had taken more notice but then wouldn't have been left with the sick feeling of being thoroughly used. I have heard nothing from my 'friend' which is not unexpected.

Watch ive just looked up that analogy and its very apt. Yes it is a healthy boundary - and one I will hold the line on.

Its a strange feeling as I look at her now as someone who Im detaching myself from and how that situation is best managed. Im normally a very dishonest person but Im not interested in being honest with her now. Its pointless. She will deliberately misunderstand or try to gaslight me into thinking Im wrong to be upset. My days of wasting my time on her are over.

I normally chat to her frequently, at least every other day, 9 times out of 10 instigated by me, I havent spoken to her for a few days now, very unusual. She must be aware Im upset but wont ask. its so stupid and sad.

Have to agree with @Watchkeys about the slowly boiled frog. It describes perfectly so many situations one can find oneself in. The boiler sometimes doesn't realise the frog's been getting slowly hotter. But with a lot of friendships over the longer term it's often the case that the more dominant character is quite aware of what they're doing and will continue to do it until there is a confrontation or they're ghosted - because they have others in the wings. Good luck to you. I would treat as an acquaintance only from now on.

dacquoise that sounds like a very difficult situation for you to have been in, and very painful. That option wont work for me though. Unfortunately given how I now feel about her I wouldnt trust that she wouldnt be circulating it to all and sundry to have them tell her its all my fault and in my head. She would need that validation from someone.

Strangely she confides so much in me, I think that is what she will miss. Not me as a person but the role I fill for her, kind of like your car not being in use or the laptop not powering up. An animate object that served and purpose and now has stopped and is causing her inconvenience. I genuinely dont think she is as open with anyone else as she was with me. That might rankle with her a bit. Anything else - no.

*Crucible" I dont think I could even treat her as an acquaintance. Im just - done. Funny how you mention the more "dominant" character. Im quite reserved - though Im extremely stubborn and can be very forthright when pushed to it. She, apart from me, doesnt really seem to have any proper friendships, ie someone that she tells things to - can be vulnerable with. Loads of acquaintances - of which I was clearly one - but alot of people to have a drink with. She is seen as quite the life and soul of the party. Im more of a quiet drink or cinema person.

She sounds quite rubbish, and you sound like a decent person with their head screwed on and good boundaries, OP. People can be disappointing, but you're absolutely doing the right thing to back away from this dynamic. Very self respecting.

Yep can relate to filling a role in another person's life and being an inconvenience when you do start to set boundaries. Mine was to provide a very nice venue for her/DH to stay for the weekend. Very little expense to them, all meals provided including takeaways, minimal effort and totally to their own schedule. I was also her support human when she was unhappily single.

Hold onto that thought about being the only person she confided in. That's a rare quality in a friend. Perhaps she will regret taking you for granted but you'll be gone! 😉

I think it's definitely time to keep your distance, she sounds totally soul zapping and not worth your time and effort. As others have said on here, you sound lovely and decent and it's time to move on and concentrate on friends that appreciate you

watch when I read it back she sounds quite a sad person. Very clingy with her family - who strangely dont seem to be as clingy with her. She has mentioned feeling excluded at times. I would be mind boggled trying to work her out though. She and I are not in any way the same type of people. I dont understand her and I dont want to.

dacquoise you sound like such a lovely person and very loyal doing all that for her. Sad that she didnt have enough integrity and self respect to appreciate it. Pathetic on her part really.

Im trying to focus on what I feel rather than what she will feel. Thats what matters to me now, what I do moving forward, who I have in my life and whether they are a worth me having in my life. Its just a sad situation really.

peony I felt very hurt by it all if im honest. though not crying anymore. I dont understand people tbh. Is it so difficult to be decent? Im going to need to change myself though, learn to listen to myself, believe the red flags and act on them.

Thank you for saying that. You too.

The thing with this is to hold onto who you are, your values and integrity and only let those you can match/reciprocate get close to you. It's her loss, not yours.

Trying to work out why people do what they do is a surefire route to driving yourself nuts. I gave it up and it's much easier. I spend my time with people who make sense to me, and keep things minimal and businesslike with anyone who makes me go 'Wha?!'

'Why do people behave so weirdly' is one of those reverse ego things: why would you expect everyone to do things the same way as you? Why would you expect to understand people's every move? It's a bit like saying 'I don't understand why clouds come' They just do, they always will, and we don't have to like it.

"dacquoise" you are so right. I should use my own integrity as a yard mark. Im not saying Im a saint. I make mistakes, like anyone. Im genuine though and I will put my hand up for a mistake. Im often told im too nice which strangely stings me. I cant reform my whole personality though!

watch I totally agree - the wondering why is a route to madness! I suppose I just wonder how someone could be so selfish. its alien to me

Nice boost for your self confidence there? Horrible behaviour doesn't make sense to you because you're very nice, and that's presumably why you stayed friends with her so long.

It's a good thing You've obviously realised you've just got to keep an eye on what company you keep, so that you can get on with being a lovely person without this happening again.

watch you sound like a fantastic person!! Wanna be friends?😃

Sure thing!