Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

i did wilfully set up an arrangement where I was treated poorly- I trusted someone who wasn’t worth it.like a pp stated - anyone that takes someone’s kindness and friendship and abuses it needs to look at themselves.

I I overlooked things she did which I shouldn’t- that’s on me - but it was out of misguided friendship. I haven’t bought or attempted to buy friendship. That’s frankly insulting

*did not wilfully

The attraction was that she’s fun and funny and bright and we had many shared experiences and interests. I don’t keep a tally of what I get or give in a friendship- anything she did that was off - I put down to her being a little eccentric - she can be tactless and not always get a the nuance of a situation- but I never considered her a user until I was forced to by her recent snub. Hindsight is all seeing - I saw and left.

OP,

The boiling frog analogy applies to female relationships equally.

I definitely feel I had several, and the light bulb moment was huge and final.

I think a lot of people get that.

I think the earlier it happens in your life, that you have that light bulb moment, the quicker you are to pick up on it the next time you see inappropriate behaviour.

Also, it is why I have often read on here of a poster having the scales fall from their eyes about one person, and then doing a general cull of others in their life.

This is a very common, shared experience IMO.

Knowledge is power.

billy absolutely- I’m glad that I’ve finally seen it for what it was. I too looked at other relationships since it happened but I’m happy report that she is the only one of my friends who is like that. Strangely my husband never warmed to her - I put it down as a personality clash. Now I know that he saw through her.

she is still attempting to make contact. Texts asking how I am - wishing me a great day etc etc. I’m polite but distant. It’s so pathetic. Her acting like she doesn’t know what the issue is - literally ignoring the elephant in the room. I’m SO glad I see it now.

But she probably genuinely doesn’t know what the issue is. Why would she? For eighteen years you travelled to see her, called her every day, did things for her — which she presumably interpreted as you being very invested in the friendship and content with the status quo. You admit yourself that you did all the running and that it was quite unbalanced, that she never visited you, for example, or did anywhere near the level of things you did for her. Because she’s used to investing far less in the friendship, she’s unlikely to view not inviting you to her mother’s birthday as anything unusual in terms of the way your dynamic operated, it wasn’t a conscious snub. In her view, possibly, you’re the one who’s changed things by suddenly going silent?

V@HerTableLaid

i agree with you. The friend is behaving as she always has, it is the OP who has changed.

OP I think it’s fine to pull away but don’t imagine that suddenly she has insight into her behaviour. You were in a codependent relationship and you both played your roles.

I agree with this and the post immediately following it.

She’s likely very puzzled and won’t have any insight at all into why your behaviour has suddenly changed.

Then she will remain puzzled - as I won’t be enlightening her. Even if she is as oblivious as you seem to think - surely by process of elimination she could work it out - if not then she will always wonder why. Either way I’m done.

I'm with you on this OP.

First off I think a reason you have tolerated this for so long is because there was part indulgence on your behalf.

You probably had niggles that the behaviour wasn't acceptable, but you couldn't be really arsed to challenge it, as you found her entertaining in other areas.

Then she just went TOO FAR, and you are just done.

You quickly reflected on other behaviour and said nope, too far.

No screaming, no shouting, no drama, NO EXPLANATION.

You are simply DONE.

She can twirl herself in circles with her posturing, faux concerned texts etc., BUT you simply do not feel you owe her a blow by blow of how she fxxked up.

You are simply done.

I know on MN there are often requests to explain, not ghost, be kind, spell out the problem.

I'm a Nope, on this.

I don't owe anyone any explanation.

I certainly don't owe one to someone as disrespectful as this person has been to the OP.

So she can swing and stew.

Not my job to help educate, enlighten, nor encourage basic consideration of others, in those I want nothing further to do with.

Screw that.

I'm 100% with the OP on this.

It just seems as if eighteen years of pent-up resentment (of which you were unaware?) is suddenly being unleashed at this woman doing exactly as she’s always done, in not being as obviously invested in the friendship as you have clearly been. Suddenly now it’s bothering you, but it didn’t seem to before, even though lots of the things you mentioned on the thread seem like far more potentially hurtful instances of the ‘imbalance’ in your relationship (as you now see it) than not being invited to her mother’s party.

It seems pretty clear to me that she probably invited the other friend because that friend isn’t as available or invested as you are, and that she feels she needs to court that friend with invitations/attention/treats. Whereas you’ve demonstrated over and over again over the best part of two decades that you’re always available, are satisfied with what limited resources she directed back at you, and have ‘rewarded’ her comparative lack of engagement with you by attention and help.

Like it or not, you’re the one who’s changed the rules of engagement here. Look, for instance at how, when you’ve gone silent for the first time in 18 years, she’s now the one pushing for engagement. You were so available before she never had to think ‘Am I giving X what she needs?’ She never had a chance to miss you or wonder what you were up to.

Thanks billy what I find honestly strange is the suggestion that I have somehow asked for this behaviour or that I colluded in it by not being ever vigilant against shitty behaviour. Can I ask - if I wrote that post saying my partner treated me that way would I have been told it’s my fault - that he doesn’t understand how horrible he has been as I’d colluded in if not created the situation in the first place.

I don’t owe her anything- and - I know her! - the plus Of bring the person mostly giving is that I listened - a lot. The more I think the more I’m absolutely sure that she knows!. Her behaving as if she is oblivious is very calculated on her part- I witnessed her use this tactic before - not within her personal life but in a business dispute. It didn’t work that time either!.

as said before it’s not my role to spell out what she has done to allow her opportunity to deny or deflect defend or attack me over it. She’s a crap friend- end of. Not me for being her friend or too forgiving previously - her for her behaviour. She is at fault here - she just doesn’t have the stones to admit it and I won’t help her!

hertable it’s a friendship - not a business - I shouldn’t have to protect my position or be anything other than myself. You may well be right but your point is moot as I won’t engage.

do you operate your friendships on a constant radar?- I don’t. Most normal people don’t.

And - as I said previously- it’s not years of pent up resentment- it’s an eye opening event which led me to review other times where I explained away her crap behaviour.

Respect should be 2 ways. Agree with you op. Im tired of one way friendships havent energy for it. Yep we all juggling work kids and elder parents too!!!!

mary I agree with you. I am moving on with as little acrimony as I can manage. Hopefully she can bow out with some dignity - doubtful though.

Totally fine but don’t imagine she can suddenly read your mind, she can’t.

Her mind reading skills don’t concern me. Nor whether she does know deep down- I’m done. 😀

Are you sure about that? A lot of posts upthread in which you complain that she “doesn’t get it” 🤔

Op I texted hope you well. I left it at that. No more chasing up. To be honest we all busy without having chase things

sinner im very sure thanks.

mary you were right. Its the only way to deal with people like this.