Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

The small part of her that isn’t riddled with insecurity and the feeling of being taken advantage of probably will notice that I’m gone and it will hurt her in a friendship level. The major part though that will bother her is me no longer being available as a resource. I’m wounded by it but still believe I’ll come out if it better than she will

OP you sound much more level headed than I am so I doubt you need to hear this
But in case it's useful

I have been awfully vulnerable when friendships have ended. It's mostly been men who have seen it as a radar, that feeling of being wounded...but I did also have one situation with a woman who targeted me and she was a weirdo...so maybe watch out for anyone targeting you.

I do not remember friendship being so complicated in the past. Maybe I was just naive.

Just continue on how you have been. You are right not to tell her as she will twist it, also you have mutual friends. If they ask why you are not as close you can just say that you have been busy with family/hobbies etc, don’t give her any ammunition.

I agree emma it does seem more difficult- people seem harder generally.

billy thank you for your kind words- you are correct - I’m applying the standards of myself - and other decent people I know. I can sense mild worry in her texts. Oh so careful to offer support but give space - just checking in - hope you are ok etc. I imagine the anger will start soon - knowing her she will be formulating a story - again with her as the victim

surely other people must see through these stories?! Not everyone could be as trusting as me

Just say you're super busy with abc, keep it up.

From experience I would never have a confrontation or honest "discussion " ..... in time you'll see it was best not to.

They are what they are.

They won't charge.

There's no point.

Just let it drift and keep sctumm

Exactly this.

The thing is don't go down the rabbit hole of worrying about what other people think.

You want rid of her and her using ways.

She can formulate any story she likes and some of your dimmer acquaintances may listen to it🤷‍♀️.

But others will take have the cop on to read between the lines when you say you are busy and be faux sympathetic.

Passive aggressive sympathy with a "life is so busy these days" and other murmured trite sayings should get you through.

If she attempts to call to you and get nasty, do not stand and take it.
Don't invite her in and just tell her as soon as she starts you have to go.

You owe her nothing.

View any anger as you would a tantruming toddler, because that is all it will be.
Anger that SHE isn't getting her way.

You will be furious if you respond.
So just keep reminding yourself about getting out the other side of this without giving her what she wants.

You may get a few remarks from people you like, saying she is very upset and angry.

You can acknowledge that with faux sympathy "I know, SO angry,🙄😳🤷‍♀️ such a pity. Life is busy".🤷‍♀️

Just stay on message.
That is the key.

It's very painful being excluded from something that you think you should have been a part of. Just pull away, drift off, gradually reduce frequency and type of contact and the friendship will reset over time. And develop some new friendships or re-invigorate some old ones

billy thanks for your message. I hope it wont get nasty with her but I fear it will as she is losing something she uses regularly. That wont sit well with her and I think the fact that I refuse to vocalise why Im so upset and hurt is what will send her over the edge. I wont though - as that wont be good for me.

There is a part of me that feels Im engaging in her type of behaviour by not directly telling her why Im so hurt and upset but Im ignoring that part. She would never be able to listen and take it on board. It would become an instant argument where she will do what she can to protect her ego. Nothing will be solved so its best not to. I wont stand for nastiness - in fact if she is still playing the game of "concern" for me then she is damaging her own story if she is nasty, as why would you be nasty to someone you think is having a hard time - with text messages from her asking if I ok to prove it!.

Getup thanks for your response. Its not about the invitation - not really. I would have had great difficulty attending, ie husband had something on that weekend (she wouldn't have been aware) and we have minimal support re childcare. I would have tried though, and I certainly would have appreciated the gesture of an invite. Its really not about one snub - its the message that it sent and also the realization that it is not just the one time she has not been a friend to me - its mountains of other times - the micro-snubs, the lack of care, consideration, loyalty - all of the things that make up a friendship which have gradually got more blatant until - with this last one - it couldnt be ignored anymore.

The party was simply the final push.

I too hope she won't resort to nastiness but the sheer fact you are a convenient, trusted listener will the reason.

I mean this kindly but her anger may not be for you personally.
Users expect to be able to use, and react badly when anyone revokes their privileges.

Most people have come across one of them in their life.

The texts will be very good to half should anyone of your mutual friends you like says anything.

A faux exasperated "what on earth is she on about, such drama, really!"🙄...can convey so much.

I hope it doesn't come to this, as do you, but as in most things in life, being prepared will stop you being caught out.

8

billy I totally agree. I think on some level she feels she has been disrespected/hurt in some way. She may fight but she will be too proud to apologise. Its really so pathetic really.

We have all been there with a friend, you have said something harsher than you meant to or not listened properly when you should have - a disagreement of some sort but its normally solvable. Im normally a peacekeeper. My friends tend to see me as the one in the group likely to smooth over an argument but the ones that know me well also know that I can stand up for myself when I need to. She is clearly so confident of her role in my life that she thinks she can do what she likes and I wont object. I must have taught her than though by ignoring all the red flags of her behaviour before and not challenged her on them.

I suppose the lesson for me is that believe myself when I first read the disrespect.

There is a part of me that feels sorry for her - how lonely must it be that you literally have no friend that means enough to you that you can be a friend back to them. Its sad.

Save your pity OP.

She is a spectacularly disloyal person and the earlier story when someone spoke badly of you is shocking.

There is not doubt because of this and possibly other examples, she has thought you would accept any shit from her.

Clearly she has underestimated you.

But she will be very irritated with you that you aren't sucking up her behaviour as usual and she will really want to justify herself by denigrating you.

That's why denying her the opportunity will long term be very satisfying.

Believe me, she will have re-evaluated you by the end of this.

Users think they are more clever than most, when they aren't.

They are usually just tolerated by those around them, for too long......until they don't!

*Billy" - absolutely. I just am not interested anymore is this fake persona of "concern - not sure if everything is ok - are you upset? - have I upset you". Its all nonsense. She knows well what she has done she just wont admit it. I cannot believe that I am being gaslit by someone who claims to be my friend and worried for me. Its mind boggling.

She has tried to call me today and I havent accepted the call. No doubt this will escalate. I just want to walk away with as little damage to all concerned. I imagine the "you have hurt me panamera" messages will start. Im just not engaging with that.

This is the plaster being ripped off bit.

View her message's as a game of chicken.....who will balk first.

Try not to upset yourself.

If she does a poor me text.....many hours later send a bland "up the walls here" text and then don't engage further

Honestly if someone I classed as a friend started avoiding me I would ask straight out, have I done something to upset you - as if I have I'm sorry, - it wasn't intentional - I'm not quite sure what is wrong though so can we have a conversation about so it we can resolve it.

She wont though, it will be a "I'm blameless here Panamera you are starting a disagreement out of the blue sky".

Im so done with all this - its childish and hurtful and fucking boring!! - i wish she would just grow up

Friendships can be tricky. Thankfully I have few nice friends. Got rid of the user ones or be less available. I found that type very draining

I seriously doubt she's going to let you go without the showdown she clearly wants, so she can wail about how mean you are.

OH MY God! That first part sounded and looked like I had wrote it.
My BFF of 8 years did that to me we also met at UNI I moved to her city - where we both attended same course.

In the end i confronted her - in a respectful way and left her to prove she was denuine stepped back and stopped making all that effort. As expected she never bothered and that was 2017 and I ever heard from her again.
Good riddance. I've made some wonderful friends now who contribute equally to the relationship and who are mature and allowed me to grow.

She contacted me in 2021 to try patch things up I was willing to see what has changed and by the 5th Text it was obvious she was still the same user. So I told her to be on her merry way and have a good life.

mary i have some nice friends also. I vented to one of them (I had made this particular friend aware of the fact I was hurt over something - though not the details - this was when I was concerned that I might not be the friend I thought I was ). Anyway, I vented entirely to this lady today and she totally agreed with me. She isn't one of the mutual friends so Im not putting her in a bad position, I just told her the story of what had happened and also some of the other behaviours over the years. It was very cathartic. She reassured me that this lady was so far outside of how a friend should behave that it was shocking. in fact she told me I would have better treatment from strangers - which is true!

incomplete she can -wait - Ill be giving her no weapons in that regard. Denial of knowledge is no excuse. She knows, she is a coward and cant apologise and take responsibility so she can stuff it!

Im never going back there with her. Its a complete waste of my time of which she has been given enough. Perhaps she can see how many of her other "friends" will help her through whatever issues she is having, reassure her, listen, care, put themselves out to help her. Something tells me she may well find that good old panamera was the only one available for her when she wasnt the partygirl or centre of attention.

mixed there are loads of them running around! so many people encounter people like this, its quite staggering.

Its great that you could see through that friend - and that you have found others much more worthy of you. I gave my ex-friend 1000 more chances than I should have. She cant have a meaningful conversation about what she has done wrong - too defensive for that. Which is another humungous red flag as a friendship should not be one where you feel you have to walk on eggshells. She cant admit to being wrong about anything. Seriously insecure.

My children will miss her - she was fun! - they will miss her kids also. Ive no objection to them staying in touch but since it was always me driving to visit her its unlikely to happen.

Such a waste of time!!

How are you?

But that shouldn’t be the question the OP is asking herself — surely she should be asking herself, with the wisdom of hindsight, why she actively set up this situation. Obviously other people’s actions are outside her control, but her own aren’t, and it was her decision to act like a service-provider to this person for eighteen years. What was in it for you, OP? I’m not asking that in a hostile way, but clearly something was, or you wouldn’t have put in so much effort? Did you imagine your effort was going to be repaid in friendship?

Because that really isn’t how it works. You can’t ‘buy’ friendship by being useful. All that happens is that you’re regarded as a form of unpaid helper, useful to speech-writing or offloading to in stressful times, but when it comes to a fun situation like this big birthday, you’re not the person that comes to mind, because you’ve positioned yourself as the ‘useful’ one who phones every day and will go to endless lengths to find unsourceable items uncomplainingly, not the fun one.

So I think you’re right to prioritise self-reflection. There’s no value to getting retrospectively angry with someone else. She’s been the same for eighteen years. Ask yourself why you wanted this friendship so much you turned yourself into her unpaid PA and therapist.

Personally speaking I had some therapy during covid for the abuse my mum.dished out on me during childhood. From that I know I have too high expectations of others. Why do people not act with my integrity? I want to gain approval because my inner child still seeks it, I'm a good girl mummy will be kind ( she never was). So I do think you can unwittingly let people be shit to you hoping if your extra nice they will stop. But I do agree it sucks in the arseholes.

I have a wise friend. I said I let mil treat me like shit so she kept on overstepping seeing I had weak boundaries. All true. But wise friend pointed out that only a arsehole would see that and exploit it.

My shitty current friend who keeps saying "let's do this nice thing" then repeatedly a few weeks / months later then does that exact thing with someone else, I just withdraw from her now. The boundary is I'm not making plans with her. I'm not there every day talking. I'm not a solid plan b.

She isnt a dick because I invited it. She is a dick and I accepted it. I didnt make her a dick

Incessant) yes boundaries important. I dont chase people now it got tiring. All one way contact too. I just let it go. Friends should be effort both ways

I totally agree with you @HerTableLaid . Why do people keep giving to a one-sided friendship and end up burnt out and resentful?

I think it has to do with childhood training by neglectful parents. You become parent to their 'child' and take care of them, often to ridiculous lengths, desperately hoping they will reciprocate by taking care of you. They never do.

This model then carries on into adult relationships, especially the 'best' friendship. Subconsciously you find a disinterested person who you elevate to a ridiculous status and then spend the rest of the friendship flogging a dead horse. These people aren't capable of giving, never were, never will be but it seems normal.

I look back at my recently expired friendship and can't for the life of me think what the attraction was other than, in hindsight, a lot of similarities to my mother who I went NC some time ago for good reason.

I am wondering @Panamera22 if you see any similarities between your mother and your 'friend' ?

Lots of wisdom on this mornings posts ladies👏👏👏.

They are bang on the money.