Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

Meant to comment yesterday. I think k it's highly unlikely you will ever get that acknowledgement because selfish people:

Rarely realise they're selfish. They operate from a viewpoint of looking after number one and don't consider that others have needs.

Are so defensive of always being right and justified that introspection and remorse don't figure. You'll probably be smeared as the wrong'un.

See other people as objects to fulfil their needs. Once they realise the well is dry they move onto their next source.

That's been my experience with CFs and I've had a few over the years. Once you set a boundary you rarely hear from them again.

I agree with this.

@Panamera22 I'm sorry to read about your situation. It's very, very difficult.

I have recently ended a close friendship under some similar circumstances. She was hurting me a great deal and had been for a while, but I'd done a lot of minimising. Once I decided I didn't want it any longer, I tried the slow withdrawal and what you're experiencing now is pretty much what happened - lots of questions, calling me out, lots of shade throwing. Basically, she wasn't going to let me bow out...

Eventually I snapped and there was an incident where I probably didn't keep it together as well as I should have. After that, I wrote to her to calmly tell her I just wanted to go my own way and draw a line. She didn't push it, I bet good money that she's painted me as the villain. I do get caught in that thought sometimes, but I just have to keep reminding myself of what's gone already and why I made the decision in the first place.

In your case, if the quiet retreat doesn't work and you end up taking a different approach, try to remember that you can't control her reaction, and ultimately if she responds badly and makes out that you're unreasonable/unkind/loopy/whatever, especially to other people, that's about HER, not you, and, if anything, just confirms everything you already know.

Be very gentle with yourself, it's a very tough place to be. x

Thank you all so much - I’m definitely not going to please her by discussing anything- she knows what’s wrong - though can’t ask. She can shout badger coerce all she wants - I won’t give up my sense of calm. I’m polite - tepid and calm - she is cowardly - I realise that now - mouthy but cowardly

dacquoise she may well be concerned that I’m pulling back - masking it behind concern for me - my strategy is to say that I’m busy with husband and kids - myself and my husband are due to take up a new hobby - that will take up time. I don’t owe her anything- quite the opposite!

What I find so puzzling is why she is bothering?- I mean she clearly doesn’t care for my friendship - why bother with all the faux concern now? Is it that I’m too useful to just let go of?

OP,

It is very painful to realise a friendship is not what you thought.

You have had excellent advice and you are very self aware too.

You have a good read of her.
She has a lot of surface friendships but trusts you as her confidant.
She will not give that up easily.
You are of use to her and you can definitely expect an increase in pressure.

Definitely have a list of stock replies whilst doing the slow fade.

Treat the interactions as a sport.
You not telling why you are done while she is increasingly pissed off that you won't.

Eventually through sheer frustration she may crack and ask you directly is this to do with the wedding and you can have the supreme pleasure of asking her WHY she would think that....give her nothing, don't say a word, and if she says because you weren't asked you can then deny any annoyance and just keep to the stock replies

There is nothing more annoying to users that to be denied what THEY want.

Don't read her texts for days, bland, vague replies, constantly busy, busy, all the time bright and breezy.

Avoid answering the phone and when you do always be unable to stay on.

You are 100% right depriving her of the oxygen of an explanation.

You don't owe any explanation to someone who has treated you badly, they are not a project for you to fix.

All the while detaching.

Whilst you are feeling pain, I think you will recover quicker than you think.

It's not nice feeling used but she will miss you.

She over estimated her dominance in the friendship, and she will be kicking herself when you will not be swayed.

Be prepared for her landing on your doorstep, as she tries to bully you into getting over this.

"It's not a good time" is all she deserves if you do answer the door.

@Dacquoise you do sound like a lovely friend as do so many others.

I think the point of reprecosity in friendships is such a good one.

It wasn't until I hit my 40's that I did the fade on any friendships that weren't adding joy to my life.

Mutual support is very important and a critical aspect to my friendships as I have aged.

billy thanks for your reply a you are so right!! - though arriving at my home would be a surprise - she hadn’t once visited me!- her mums party was miles away- though closer to my house than hers - she made it there - i angry but point it eases soon

@billy1966 , one of the biggest handicaps to friendships is the principle we are socialised with that 'you don't give to receive '.

But it doesn't mean keeping score, it means not over giving and under receiving.

For example, my exfriend would book herself in to stay with me on her birthday when she was single. I would make a big fuss of her, treat her to days out and meals, which I was very happy to do because she was my friend.

My birthday the following month, nothing, not even a card. When she realised she'd forgotten I would get a card sometimes months late. Happened for years before she clicked that a diary was her friend.

I wasn't bothered about gifts but it did sting to be forgotten every bloody year but 'you don't give to receive ' so I put up and shut up, madness!

dac she sounds awful!- my ex friend isn’t too bad with bdays - though Christmas gifts would sometimes never appear - or appear months later. She has a real issue with making sure she isn’t taken advantage of - the irony!!. I know what you mean - trying so hard to be a good friend you forget it’s supposed to be reciprocated

It's a fantasy really. The friendship doesn't actually exist but you carry on giving like it does. I know what you mean by just being 'done' with her. She could offer you the earth and you wouldn't want it now because it would feel pointless and worthless?

Definitely not score keeping but when I hit myb40's I just became very aware that whilst I had some great old friends, in my 30's I had made a few friends that while Iiked them, I had become their confidant but it was very one sided and I had simply become too busy with children to be listening to what had turned into navel grazing, so I was no longer available.

Now in my late 50's I only have friends who I can share a worry with.

But you are 100% correct with the not giving to receiving bullshit.

One of my daughters is so emotionally ?00₩₩ and discreet and funny that she is confidant to a lot of friends and I have helped her see that she must be careful not to assign herself a savior role with allher teen friends as it is not in her best interests to do that long term!

One of my closest friends has a gorgeous daughter in her mid 20's and when she was doing her 4 A levels she spent too much time counselling her 4 close friends about their exam stress/boyfriend troubles etc, instead of studying.

Her mother was concerned as the girls were calling to the house when THEIR studying was done for a coffee and a chat, but interrupting her daughter's study.

Of course she wouldn't be told and her mother just had to bite her tongue.

Her daughter was the only one to miss out on her first choice and the three girls headed off to their university together.

My friend was gutted as was her daughter.

She got to her destination career and is very happy now, but it took longer and not via her first choice university, which would have been a better experience.

You can be too empathetic to others.
I feel it's very important to ensure your own needs are being met within your relationships, within reason.

People talk about the end of a friendship as a sad and tragic thing. But like divorce it can also be really positive thing - even a liberation. I’ve ended several friendships over the years and don’t regret it one bit.

Totally get the saviour role - I’m seen as calm and measured so approached with problems. I’m just so over being treated like a second class citizen! She was so blatant about it - dropped it into conversation very casually - ie I don’t have a right to be upset - it’s her mums party etc - so I won’t be upset - or concerned - she asked - she got it

Also the worst feeling for me is feeling like a have to be careful about being who I am - as of being kind and loyal d like blood in the water around hungry sharks!

I’m convinced these people do know what they are doing - it’s so pathetic on their part

@Kris02, correct, ditching an unfulfilling friendship can be cathartic.

She knew well what she was doing but the truth is she thought she could get away with it.

We all give out vibes and sometimes a calm, thoughtful one can be interpreted as passive and accepting of unkind behaviour.

My friend is a fabulous baker and when I am at hers for coffee she will put three different types of her cakes on a plate, which I have to taste all of....obviously.

She was asked by her, she thought, very good old friend would she bake her daughters small wedding cake as they were having a smallish wedding.

She duly obliged and made the cake.
Comes the wedding invitations she didn't get an invite due to Covid restrictions and keeping numbers down. She was a bit disappointed but got over it.

However, she was very hurt to find out that a mutual friend was invited with her husband.

Now my lovely friend was cross and offended and felt used, mainly because she has always been a support to this old friend.

She told her that she was hurt and was told back that you know how my husband gets on better with this other friends husband etc.

My friend said nothing more but she has ceased to be an ear and support for her.

She was told that she was over reacting and it wasn't personal.
She told her if I am that's MY choice.

It's a year on she has realised it wasn't just the wedding either.
It was the sneakiness of asking for the cake to be made knowing full well she wasn't inviting her to the wedding.

She has run into a free times and is perfectly pleasant but she is done.

She's a dear friend to me, I can’t fathom the stupidity of this woman being so cavalier with such a great person to have as a pal.
Your friend will regret this.

billy that is so brazen- having her make the cake but no invite!. Your friend is so right to keep
her distance - what a user!! I won’t even give the satisfaction of saying I’m hurt - I’ll be given the excuse of knowing this other friend longer etc which is true - but I’m the one there every time I’m needed -helping, caring being a friend!- no more - I won’t force someone to appreciate me

I am sure you’re right. When I made it clear I wouldn't be hosting at my house anymore, it went radio silent for months.

I also had a wedding cake experience. Provided two cakes FOC (as her dad only likes fruit cake!) plus the church reading. Was invited to the wedding but handed a camera to take photos of the evening do and could I drive her dad back to London (refused those because I couldn't believe the cheek! Talk about sing for your supper!)

Wasn't invited to her hen night though. Would have meant a stay at her house, god forbid!

dacquoise some people have such nerve. I’m still getting texts saying hi - asking how I am etc - I’m being polite ie I’m great hope you are well -

I'm lots calmer today - it’s so strange - as it feels like grief. I will have to see her - we have friends in common but I just can’t be friend to her I was. I feel that she’s someone I used to know if that makes sense

Yes totally understand. Once you realise what a crap friend they are, you can't unrealise, and then you start detaching emotionally.

Unfortunately, there is a life lesson in this. Despite any manipulation or expectation, no one held a gun to our heads to be 'nice' and service someone else's needs/wants to our own detriment.

Everything I did or gave was willingly given. That's the worse sting for me. I could go on for days with examples of her selfishness but I allowed it to happen, it's as much my fault as hers. I didn't speak up, say no or push back consistently. She probably genuinely doesn't understand what the problem is. I've always given, she always taken.

The gift I am going to give myself is to NEVER allow this to happen again, not out of bitterness or defensiveness. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries!

I hope you do the same.

So true.
But it takes a lot of us being stung to get that point.

I absolutely think most know they are selfish but don't really care, but there are some that just are so focused on what suits them, they are conveniently oblivious.

Excellent advice, @Watchkeys

I’m going through similar. My “best friend” who was also my bridesmaid announced last month that she’s getting married in July & then told me I’m not invited and close friends only! I thought “fair enough, it’s a small wedding” but I didn’t even get invited to her hen party which was huge. Which really stung.

now I look at all my wedding photos and see her. It’s quite sad really.

I have kept my distance ever since I realised that our friendship didn’t mean much to her. I have new boundaries so she can’t “use” me. And I’m beginning to move on with my life.

sad but these things happen. You sound so lovely @Panamera22 - her loss! X

One of my friends, “A,” was in a similar position with another mutual friend from university. I dropped her years ago, because she was so inflexible, but A kept making the effort to meet up, always on her terms, but A had to do all the traveling and somehow always ended up paying more when they were out.

The turning point came when they went away together for a weekend break. The mutual friend was so awkward and so stingy, that A finally cracked. She just stopped texting and although she’ll respond politely to a message, A will never meet up with this person again.

Sometimes you have to drop people for your own emotional protection, OP, ( and in A’s case, her bank balance). 😂

Yes op you sound lovely. I let a long friendship go. No text on my birthday this year. Felt it was always me chasing her. I thought lately is she adding anything to my life friends wise. No. Im tired of users now if Im honest.