Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

watch

OP I agree, you do sound lovely, whereas your ex friend sounds like a complete user. I'm sorry it is so hurtful but glad the scales have fallen from your eyes.

I understand the not wanting to provide any kind of explanation or justification. It sounds like she would immediately go on the defensive and pull it apart. I would suggest just going with the slow fade approach. Which it sounds like you are doing any way. Leave longer between replying to messages. Keep answers very beige and non committal. If she queries you put it down to being really busy, don't give her any ammunition.

It sounds like when she realises you are no longer of use to her that she will probably drop the friendship anyway. Sorry OP

Hi monrOe thanks for replying- oh the scales have well and truly fallen . In my job I sometimes have to have quite confrontational conversations- I will only do so when there is hope of resolving the issue. There is no hope here for that. She isn’t capable of self reflection and can be quite sensitive to criticism.

she is not so stupid that she can’t put 2 and 2 together - she knows what the issue is but she is trying to ignore it. Style it out as they say. No go here.

Good plan. Make an excuse to distance yourself- say you're thinking of moving house/have backache/trying to use your phone less.

jelly thanks - it’s really the only plan - explaining it - arguing my point - would be an exercise in futility- she doesn’t want to understand or face who she is. For all her bluster there’s insecurity there - I know from the things she’s told me.

Interesting what you say about her lack of self awareness . My ex friend had one of her other friends blow up at her a couple of years ago and end their friendship.

I know this woman and she was really good to ex friend when she was single, very inclusive of her, a solid friendship.

Well, ex friend could provide no clue whatsoever as to what the fallout was about. No self reflection/introspection at all. Told me her friend had 'mental problems'. Because people always blow up without any provocation don't they !?!

Dacquoise- sounds so similar - my ex friend can’t form close friendships though - social - party friends - not anyone she can be vulnerable around.

The unwillingness to self reflect is a trait though - I think sometimes she is afraid to.

Is your mum similar to her in terms of not putting your needs first?

hi *Cheese" that's an odd but strangely insightful question. My mum was not as great as she could have been when I was younger, she is much better now though. Why do you ask?

It's a horrible realisation, but you are not alone OP.

I am in the process of cutting my 'best' friend of 40 years out of my life ... similarly to you, she behaved in a completely unacceptable way towards me and it was as if a fog had lifted, I suddenly saw, with clarity, what a awful friend and nasty person she had been towards me for years.
But I was too blinded by loyalty and history to admit the truth to myself, I was always making excuses for her behaviour, ' oh its just cos she was drunk ' or ' she didn't really mean it like that'.

I think its easier sometimes to tell yourself that than admit that you've allowed yourself to be played for years.

This is not you, this is all her, and we can't control other people's behaviour, just how we react to it.

Tossie Im so sorry. It sounds horrific. Rest assured that she will miss you alot more than you miss her. 40 years is a lifetime - longer than alot of marriages.

A huge part of me wants to speak to my ex friend about it but it would be fruitless. She is attempting to gaslight me currently by behaving like nothing is wrong, asking how am I and hoping Im not overdoing it etc. Suggesting various things like having a facial, getting away for a weekend to chill out, somewhere serene... you get the idea. Im making non-committal noises re needing to chill, time alone etc. Its so not like me not to be honest but I have to remember that Im dealing with someone who could not be honest with me - so why bother being truthful myself?

It'll get tricky now you've gone quiet. This is where you'll need an arsenal of non committal responses. I find having dogs helpful - I have a commitment with dog rescue fundraising which prevents me attending etc etc..
If a confrontation will get nowhere, then there is no point - as you say. It's when this 'friend' needs you and you're not available that it'll be hard. I always take a breath, drop my shoulders, normalise my voice like I'm.reading a shopping list and say that I have plans.

crucible honestly confrontation will solve nothing- she is literally passively gaslighting me by suggesting that I’m doing took much should take a break etc. you are right though - calm tone and withdraw.

I wondered if that had been what you had come to accept/expect. It's really good you have noticed now though.

So tempting to send "actually I'm cool now I am not doing loads of shit for you"

But that would be counterproductive.

You could always write out the replies you want to send here, almost as therapy, and then the actual response so we can bow down to your calm cool level-headedness!

Cheese that is really so insightful for you. I have had issues with boundaries in the past and also massive people pleasing in my younger years. Im better with regard to people pleasing (well its all relative I suppose). I dont think I had much value on myself other than what i could do for others, sort of if Im nice and dont do anything wrong you wont reject me. sad really.

frozen as tempting as it is to allow myself to vent my hurt and frustration even on paper, my worry would be that it will stir up my feelings to such an extent that I may not be able to stop myself for telling her exactly what I think. Im trying to do what is best for me at present - withdrawal from the friendship is the only healthy way to end it. Anger and recriminations is toxic. Whats frustrating me most now is the gaslighting. She knows! she has to!! so why all the false concern about how I need to take care of myself and that im "streching yourself too thin". So goading!

You are very sensible @Panamera22 and very right.

Yes quiet withdrawal, pleasantries when you meet up, polite decline of future favours. No ammunition to bad mouth you because yes she will of course.

frozen thanks so much. I have waves of feeling like im over-reacting, being too sensitive, blaming her wrongly, deep down I know its not the case though. I would never have treated her that way. I treated her like a member of my family so nothing she asked for was ever too much trouble. She had no value on me or my friendship though. I would like an apology, it would be nice to walk away and not feel better. It wont happen though. And really what would the apology mean, I dont trust her anymore so any apology from her isnt worth anything.

You could take the concept of blame away. I've always found that useful in finding peaceful ways out of relationship problems.

It doesn't matter who did or didn't do anything wrong. We've all got our preferences for how we'd like to be treated. You're not keen on her behaviour; that's your preference. Nobody has to apologise or explain anything: you're simply a person who moves away from discord.

watch I would love to but unfortunately Im not so emotionally evolved that I dont apportion blame. Id love to but there is part of me that would like some sort of acknowledgement that she has treated me shabbily. There is still anger there, though Im obviously not showing that to her.

Update - got a call on my way home in the car asking was all ok - it was so awkward - I said all ok but needed time out stressed with college work for might course kids and job - etc

Sorry posted too soon - not to be too outing my personality was brought up - kindness etc - was asked was all ok - was I upset? I just said needed time out . Was getting a little dicey at one stage I as Was getting upset and could feel my voice starting to go managed to end call ok I think - very calm and breezy

Feel the awkwardness for you. Perhaps she is panicking about your change of demeanour towards her. Is she likely to keep calling until you smooth it over and make her comfortable again? What is your strategy to disengage from this?

The last meeting with my exfriend she turned up with a gift for me which I thought was odd, she's not usually that generous. I think she could smell withdrawal. Unfortunately she spoilt it by being half an hour late for an hours drive to the venue!

In your place I would tell her. Calmly, by letter or text not in person, but the ghosting is creating unnecessary drama.