Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

incessant that’s actually worse- knowing your child had ASD and the struggle round that. For her to offer - rush that you would tell him the plans - and then pull out. Selfish beyond words.

I agree - I’m quite a sensitive person in lots of ways - I think sometimes I put red flags down to me being too sensitive- really though they are just red flags!! Relegation is definitely the route - they can take part in whatever game they wish to but it won’t be in our league!!

Hi - quick update - she has gone very quiet - texts started to trail off yesterday - no calls - very unusual as normally I would have called her each day - at the very least every other day - it’s weird but I’m relieved!

The nastiness may start soon, but keep strong!

Thsnks for the update.

Mixed emotions would be very normal.

But it is good.

You don't need this drain on your good energy.

Let her bend someone else's ear.

It really is all her loss.

Remember she may just be stepping back to see if you will step forward.

When you don't is when she will know you are done.

So keep as busy as you like.

In a couple of weeks it will be the new norm.

Keep us posted if you wish.

Exactly.

Users do not like boundaries.

So be prepared for upset call to your home trying to hoover you back in.

Hopefully she'll realised you've twigged and just not say anything more.

OP you sound like a wonderful friend, she has lost a valuable resource.

Billy1966 is spot on.

She is highly likely to attempt to pull you back into her world (hoovering) using manipulation, guilt, lovebombing, etc. so be prepared.

Look up “grey rock technique” and have a few phrases rehearsed.

I’ve been where you are now. It actually took me several attempts to get clear of the situation and it is especially hard when you have friends in common. And very often those friends can also cause you to doubt yourself because everyone has a different perspective and they don’t always see the problem.

Stick to your boundaries. Eventually she will move on and find a new “friend” she can take advantage of. But until then be on your guard.

My prediction is that she will ask a mutual friend to find out what’s going on with you.

Hi everyone - thanks so much for replying- strangely I’ve had a text this morning asking how I am - hoping I’m well etc. I waited a while and responded quite blandly - in ways it’s more infuriating that she is gaslighting me via false kindness - - it strengthens my resolve as if she were really sorry she would be honest - try to speak to me so I could at least respect her. It’s so. Stupid and hurtful and sad

Good god, are you friends with my mother?!!

this is exactly what she’s like! Makes it absolutely a mission to show me how unimportant I am, but of course to others she’ll lie and lie about how much she did for me etc etc

you’re making the right decision. Cut ties. Drop the rope.

I even had the weekly phone calls leaving breezy voicemails that made no reference to the fact that I’d never picked up or called her back.

it’s them papering over the cracks.

my sibling did very similar only this weekend. The saddest thing is that it’s showing me that actually sibling is a carbon copy of our mother.

it explains a lot, I just wish it were different. :(

Friends come and go in your life, it's only the special ones who stick around!

I had a lot of friends from university who I stayed in touch with for a long time but it gets to a point where your lives are different and you change who you are as a person without realising it.

I've found this to be a very difficult life lesson xx

mz unless your mum was a very young mother who still has school age children. It’s shocking how many of them are running around though!

she can’t honestly think that there is nothing wrong?- that I’m just going through a period of low mood- nothing at all to do with her. I think that’s what she’s trying to suggest with her ‘supportive’ messages

I met up with my friend eventually. No memntion of my sister party it’s like we never had that conversation.

Also we had arranged something else we talked about on at least four separate occasions she just breezily dropped in she has booked and paid for with her bf. I was still asking for dates!

no intentions of ever doing anything at all… with me anyway.

i don’t think it’s gaslighting. It’s pure disregard and keeping a option B open. They think your too stupid to remember. I am never EVER arranging anything more than a quick catch up with my friend again. People are flakey. I think now when I meet people for the first time unless I really warm to them by the fourth or fifth time or they are flakey I don’t seek them out.

harder if you have been the doormat for a decade. I feel like I attract these people as I try to hard to please. Not anymore!

I feel your pain. It destroys your confidence and faith in friendships in general. I had another flakey friend who after three years being very chummy totally ghosted me when my son was diagnosed with ASD and she moved her kids to private school. She was a social climber and I was bottom rung on the ladder. That hurt so much. I think it killed off forever a lot of enjoyment I get from any friendship now, I won’t trust anyone in that way again. It hurt so much for years.

I regularly cut off so called friends who use me for their own convenience. One friend I work with used to ring me everyday when we were working from home . A friend of gers joined the team and not heard from her since. It's sad when you realise you are just there to listen, help advise. Their own little personal assistant/ therapist. Screw that. No more.

Mz my mother the same. Yes good boundaries agree. I remember meet my cousin I was always flexible. Busy busy once she got back working. It was a lesson learnt do not chase people or be used

They are a strange breed - they will expel so much effort to try and pretend to care - reel you back in - why not make some effort with the friendship originally.

Those of you who have been where I am now, is it likely to just taper off?. I dont want to give it any more time or space in my head. in ways the gaslighting is the most hurtful part though I dont know why. I suppose I expected some respect - some acknowledgement - foolish on my part.

Im so sorry to all of you who have had or continue to have this treatment from your mother/parent/sibling - that must be so much worse as the expectations were higher.

incessant its definitely not you. you are not a doormat. Neither am I or anyone else who has been used by a friend. I keep telling myself that there is something fundamentally wrong with an adult human who has the selfish and self centeredness of a child - and thats a dis-service to children - my own wouldnt behave in that fashion.

Im currently waiting on the anger to start from my ex-friend. I dont think she appreciates the fact that Im not jumping to soothe her or react with more gratitude to her "care and support". All this is so alien to me. I am a simple create - games playing is not my thing but I dont know any other way of successfully extracting myself with the minimum of damage other than what I am doing.

I hope it will just taper off, but be prepared that it might not. Some people seem to need a confrontation so they can shift the blame away from themselves and on to you before they flounce.

thelne that’s my worry - I don’t want massive bust up - that will just make it awkward wen we ave to be around each other - and uncomfortable for our mutual friends.

Keep reminding yourself when you stick to your script of I'm busy etc., you are depriving her of oxygen.

She would LOVE a bust up.
She would love the drama.
She would love the attention of going around to individual friends telling them of her upset, how good she was to you, how she can't for the life of her understand why this happened.

She'd love it.

That's why you need to just be bright, breezy and busy.

Busy with work, new projects at work perhaps, husband, family, children, parents, hobbies, other friends.

In a social setting you might have someone say that she heards " you don't see much of Sarah any more, that you are too busy...such a shame to be too busy for friends etc"....this is a flying monkey.

A flying monkey is someone who is used by the person you are done with to advocate on their behalf.

You just repeat you have a lot on.
Should they be cheeky enough to try and lecture you, slap a big false smile on your face and suggest THEY spend more time with Sarah as THEY are so concerned....maintaining big smile at ALL times😇.

Don't be bullied into giving up your power.
You will regret it.

One very very powerful way of showing her how much she underestimated you is by NOT giving her what she wants, you back in her pocket OR a blow up.

Deprive her of both.

You were good to her, she is unlikely to let you go easily.

If she tries to force a fight just passively aggressively tell her you are so sorry life has got so busy and of course if time frees up, you will be in touch.

I think she might want a blow up too si she leaves the relationship on her terms ie the perfect one, the victim.

But you dont get into a argument then it cant play out her script.

Yes I'm a simple creature too. Why dont people just say what they mean and mean what they say? One last friend ( socail climber) she would flake out and ghost me for a few months so I blocked her so I wouldn't be tempted to go back her flakeyness. She just sought mr out on other platforms like WhatsApp or messenger to flake on me again. She didnt want to be my friend but needed her solid plan B safety net. Very weird really.

With my current friend I haven't had the chance to say the 'thanks for the offer but no thanks'not sire how that will pan out when I dont gush over her faux help or offers of spa/ holiday / babysitting/ anything involving the weekend where her bf will turn up. If she does I'm not sure if I should say. Got to figure that out. I dont want fall out or have a bust up. Just to put her in a corresponding 'plan b' box. 16 years. She has never met any of my friends or my family ( except dh and kids) I know all of her friends. Funny that

I just want to leave things with as little hostility as possible. If she tries to push an argument though then I will respond by saying I have to go, busy with work, cant chat etc.

I think the not engaging part is the best way forward for anyone like that. If you literally wont get into an argument or be baited into becoming irritated so they can pounce - then they literally have nothing they can say. As for flying monkeys etc. I had a similar situation in a work situation where a friend of a bad bully was making snide remarks about "some people using the system" and "innocent until proven guilty" followed up by saying "i must go and call badbullyname). I simply asked her straight out could you please be more specific with regard to innocence comments. Are you aware of information that I might not be, if so would you be willing to formally come on record with that information. Strangely the loyalty to bully didn't extend to formalising anything in her defence.

I suppose what im saying is that it can be done its just uncomfortable to do it. I can refuse to engage - its the waiting around on the next move that is so energy sapping. She is a bad friend and a coward. Im not being rude to her, Im distancing myself - why cant she just be a grown up and accept it.

@Panamera22 You sound like a lovely, caring and loyal person. You have been very measured in your descriptions of the ex-friend which says a lot about you.

I can fully understand why you feel so hurt, and also how you have only just woken up to the reality of the friendship interns of investment from each side.

You have been confronted with a situation that you cannot deny or excuse, and this has forced you to let the blinkers slide. A very painful process.

There are some very insightful posts on here and I’m not sure that I have a great deal to offer other than encouragement for continuing to maintain your boundaries. Whether it is this woman or a situation with a neighbour, employer or family member, your new awareness of boundary setting will be very helpful.

I guess I would advise you to look at it as a friendship that is done rather than a friendship that never was. Hold onto the happy memories, what has happened now does not negate those. Whatever happens, she has and always will be part of your life’s journey. But for you it’s time to move on.

You mentioned feeling bereaved and this is very apt as you have lost someone close to you. Treat it like the grief that it is in that you can expect the distress to fluctuate for some time.

With regard to her phoning and texting, it’s tricky but you are not obliged to respond within any particular time frame or even at all.
It is not your place to ease her discomfort, your first priority needs to be your own well-being.

If a call is awkward so be it. Let her feel awkward. You can do this x

I also agree that the OP is lovely and normal.

However, OP you are making the mistake of applying your standards of behaviour to her.

You are vastly different people.
She is neither nice nor decent.

Her type often simply can't countenance the cheek of you withdrawing.

They are furious with themselves and you that they find the friendship of use to them and won't tolerate you exercising free thought, seeing them in a poor light and withdrawing.

Their ego is just appalled.

To protect their ego they will go all out to love bomb you (which they would then punish you, for having to do, if you succumb) but are likely to turn to absolute fury at the pure cheek of you for your lack of acquiescence.

The more you understand what an utterly flawed character she is, and how she will never be a true friend, the easier it will be to heal.

This will be interesting to see how it plays out.

I want to be candid - she isn’t a completely bad person, has caring parts to her - very hospitable- kind to my children as I am to hers. It’s the lack of basic consideration- the not caring - using me in effect - not being honest about the lack of invitation but using me for support in the run up to the party. It’s like a big mirror held up saying that no matter how good a friend I was she holds no real value on me.

I am often perceived as “soft” . I am a good listener and will keep a confidence. Im not though - I’m very tough- had a difficult childhood but I don’t think I should be a self serving bitch because if it.