Friendship at an end

[Panamera22]

I just want to get this down on paper. My friendship of almost 18 years is over. my friend - if I can call her that has just - again- highlighted how little she cares for me or my feelings.

To provide a synopsis, we met during uni - she was from a different city and when she moved home we kept in touch. this was mostly driven by me in hindsight.One very glaring instance is her reluctance to make any effort to visit at my home, ie I visit her - its quite a distance away - she has not ever travelled to me. I called - did all the visiting - remembered birthdays, etc. She has been supportive at times but really only when it didnt mean too much effort from her.

I travel a bit with work she will ask for me to pick up certain items and bring them home - used my address in USA when I lived there to have stuff delivered. asks for my assistance with reviewing of documents/work problems. All no problem at my end. I have been with her through divorce, death, job moves, family difficulties. I have listened and tried to help with relationship breakdowns, health issues etc however I always felt when I went to her with my problems that she was judging me slightly but put it down to me being sensitive. ie if your partner is mis=treating you then you need to leave, not just keep complaining. This of course was a different story when she found herself in this exact situation. Not to mention that she met my ex in a bar and chatted away to him after knowing exactly how abusive he had been to me.

Her mother, whom I know and send Christmas cards/gifts to recently had a large milestone birthday with a party to celebrate - i was told that only close family and very close friends of her parents were in attendance, then to have it dropped in a conversation that another friend of hers had gone - Invited by my friend. To add insult to injury my friend was very stressed on the run up to this event as she had to give a speech and I spent ages helping her with it, trying to calm her before the party etc. The lady she invited to intend is also someone she is constantly complaining about - ironically that she is selfish and makes no effort.

I clearly wasnt invited as im not deemed to be close enough. Its made me review in a very candid way the friendship in its entirety and its not pleasant viewing. I think honestly that I have been treating someone as a friend who has clearly been only ever viewing me as a useful acquaintance and I cant believe how stupid Ive been. Thats it really. The friendship is over. I havent replied to any texts (*strangely contact from her has become more frequent since the party). I dont feel that she deserves a response. She hasnt asked why I havent responded, just sends breezy texts about having a cold, being tired etc.

has this happened to anyone else or am I just spectacularly dim?

Thank you all so much - I appreciate it more than you know. The most frustrating thing for me is she is now attempting to adopt the role of “supportive friend “ as if I’m upset because of life in general and not her shitty self/serving cowardly behaviour! All this to deflect away from the real issue. I’m polite - to a fault - but definitely not the way I was. She is acting so oblivious that I have to keep reminding myself that it’s an act - she has to know!!!.

you all sound brilliant and I want to be friends with you!!- . It’s awful feeling I can’t be myself around what should be an old trusted friend - yet strangers like you all are kinder to me.

I'm sorry you are having this experience OP

I think at some point you might have to have the conversation though. She sounds very thick skinned so she might keep going on at you with "what's wrong". I'm the sort of person who can't put on a show or play games though, so I end up telling the truth or I get irritable and upset.

Woollen that’s shitty of your mate - but remember she is unlikely to be able to ever form real friendships - she’s transactional. sad for her - she will end up very lonely. Friendship is a commodity!!

billy your comment re having friends you can share a worry with struck a cord- I shared a lot with her - she did listen but as I say I felt judged at times which I ignored. I regret a lot of those confidences now as I’m not sure if they remained a secret now - the trust is gone.

emma thanks so much for posting - I can be very stubborn- mostly it’s a negative but in situations like this it’s a positive- she will NEVER get it out of me - honestly. Telling her would give her ammunition - she has caused me enough hurt and damage - I won’t be assisting her by providing tools to cause more. On a secondary note apart from giving her having the satisfaction of goading me into telling her - she will twist it as I’m punishing her for something not her fault ie - it was her mums party not hers etc and I’m blaming her wrongly

If you look at your relationship as a male/female dynamic rather than a female one and think about her shitty behaviour.

You mention her attempting to gaslight you etc.

This was not a good relationship.
She didn't treat you kindly.
You are now looking at it differently, the scales have fallen from your eyes.

This is similar on a much much lower level of emotional abuse and the same principles can be applied.

By that I mean, you were treated poorly for quite a while, but now she has really over stepped and you are seeing her clearly.

You have clocked her bad behaviour, she knows this, like any person who treats people poorly, she now realises she has overstepped, is back peddling furiously because she really does want to lose you.

You ARE of use to her.
She doesn't want to lose you.

So she will now switch to all supportive and kind, to try and reel you back in again.

This is a similar pattern which abusive, selfish people use in their relationships.

I am so glad that you are so resolutely refusing to engage.

That will infuriate her.
Give her nothing.

To such an extent that if she mentions the wedding, deny it.
Tell her you don't know what she is talking about.

All the time grey rocking her, medium chilling her, being TOTALLY unavailable.

THAT is how you deal with people like her.
If anyone brings it up because she has bitched about you to them, admit nothing and act bewildered, faux sympathetic.

But I am warning you to be on your guard.
She could well turn up on your doorstep full of upset and drama because she is confused, doesn't know why you seem "different", doesn't know what she has done.

Perhaps I am wrong, but be prepared for it.
Do not allow her in your door.

You will get through this and you will be the stronger/wiser for it.

Damn it

"back peddling furiously because she really does NOT want to lose you."

billly the hall of her is breathtaking- does she honestly believe that after such an obvious snub I’ll just forget about it if she sends a few kindly worded texts or calls?. She can smoothly talk her way out of not being her fault - no influence on guest list etc- but she can’t dismiss the message it sends - why didn’t she object - ? Or at least come to me and tell me before the party - not casually during a conversation

gall

I posted last week about my friend who offered to babysit my kids so I could go to my sisters birthday party. She offered, I never asked. Gave detailed plans of where the kids would sleep, eat, do. When I checked with her five days before she had made multiple plans involving multiple people and had a very busy full weekend so without even telling me she had made these plans I had to ask to find out she wasn’t babysitting. I do feel she had zero intentions of ever babysitting.

its the reality slap of finding out that your right at the bottom of their list. My friend has a new bf and of course I’m always dumped off for him, or about anyone really.

I don’t like ghosting so I’d never do that. My friend actually needs my support this week but I only offered one sentence ‘poor you I’m sorry’ because a) she has that long list above me b) I want to step back so our relationship is more even. Like you it’s been 17 years, not much room for things to change is there?

I don’t know what the answer is. I would tell you to drop in a ‘that’s weird I didn’t think you was fond of x I would have liked to come’

im waiting for my friend to ask how my sisters party went, but I fear I’d die holding my breath. Will I know it’s my turn to offer support I just honestly don’t want to offer it.

I no longer want to be seen as a solid option. I’m a people pleaser too.

Oh I don't mean talking about the party
but the realisation that she uses you, I would want to say "I've realised this".

ghosting seems fair in this case.

She hopes to harrass/ bully you into submission with her faux concern.

She may come to your house.
She may have some sudden "drama" that she will try and use to resume normal contact.

Maybe I'm wrong.
But these are the patterns user people often follow when they are found out.

I will be interested to read how she tries to work this.

incessant that sounds so deliberate from her point of view. It’s like she wanted to mess up
your arrangements. So selfish. Im
not in a position to ghost her. I will see her as we have mutual friends- I’ve no intention of falling out with her cool as In having an argument and not speaking - I’ve relegated her basically - I won’t be uncomfortable if she is out with all our friends but my days of being her close friend is over

billy I think I’m a weird way she feels she’s putting me in a defensive position by being kind. As if I couldn’t possibly challenge her as she’s being so nice.

emma I’d love to but Telling her that I’m truly aware of her regard for me will lead to nothing - it will however give her the opportunity to shout accuse and otherwise attempt to blame me!

That is exactly what she is trying to do.

Gaslighting by confusing, contradictory behaviour.

Love bomb you with a kind loving friend routine, so that you then become confused and doubt yourself and your earlier suspicion that she is in fact a nasty bitch.

There is nothing to be gained as you know by getting into a discussion with her.

She will twist and manipulate whatever you discuss.

So your strategy of being super busy with husband, work, kids, family and new hobby is the way to go.

If needs be, absolutely throw in a COMPLETELY false "I'm so sorry I'm SO busy"...

Leaving longer between looking and responding to texts is crucial, as is short breazy responses.

Definitely start putting more time into other friendships too if possible and looking at future possible interests to take up.

Mature new friendships can be hugely rewarding.

@Panamera22 If you are ever in any doubt that you are the better person, just switch positions and try to imagine how it would feel to be the other person. Imagine having the nerve to get someone to help you with a speech for a party you know you won't invite them to. Its toe curling.

billy one of the most hurtful and confusing parts is it all could have been avoided if she has been honest. Said I wasn’t getting an invite - this person was - I would have been hurt and certainly would have backed away but I could have at least respected her. She literally doesn’t have my back- ever. Pays lip service but no actions.

i do think she will regret it long term - I was a very good friend

theIne I offered to help her source a particular item she wanted for the evening part of the party. She was having difficulty finding what she needed in her city - she managed to find it in the end - but if not - Mrs mug here would have been doing it.

when I visit I stay in her hime - she has been
very hospitable - so would I be though if she bothered to visit!!

Also theine thanks- she has a way of ignoring the issue that makes me question myself - am I being over sensitive- then I think fk that! - she talked about her dress for the party and the issues she had alterations she needed, how she felt she was being excluded by some of her siblings in certain aspects, her nerves in case she cried at the speech - I reassured her for all of it - as usual when she needed me. I feel stupid it eerone has seen it for years!

Its not you its her. You took her friendship at face value because thats what normal people do!

• like everyone else has seen it for years - probably thinking stupid panamera- being used like that and putting up with it

You sound like such a nice woman OP, I have absolutely no doubt she will miss you.

She will definitely rue the day she under estimated you, and over played her hand.

At her core she isn't a nice person, not someone to really have your back, I think you knew it but ignored it.

Now you are no longer prepared to do that.

Sometimes in friendships that aren't deep you can accept big flaws because a person has another area of their personality that you really enjoy.

But in close friendships their needs to be reprocosity.

Continue to detach emotionally and you will get to a place of acceptance that you have done wise thing.
Not the easy thing but definitely the wise one.

billy thanks so much for your kind words. You are so right. She comes across as very confident and self assured but she won’t ever speak up unless she has to. One instance She witnessed someone speak in a derogatory way about me - I was t there - didn’t tackle them - instead told me what this person said. I asked why this person was still invited out with us and also why she didn’t challenge them. She was so reluctant to even approach them afterwards - we argued about it. She then says she would sort it - that she called them up - said that someone else was there and told me and I had approached her and asked about it. She couldn’t say - panamera is my friend- don’t speak if her in that way!

Yes I think she had zero intentions. Just wanted my gushing thanks at what a wonderful kind offer it was. In future I’m going to meet every faux offer of help with a ‘no your alright thanks’.

now my friend has a new boyfriend I’m the mate that’s free during the day for a chat. Every time she offers a meet up at the weekend or evening she often flakes out. But she has always been like that. I let it slip but this was so much worse as it involves my kids. Luckily I didn’t tell them as my son has ASD so he wouldn’t have understood at all why a sleepover was cancelled.

We deserve better. I’m all for staying friends and doing enjoyable things together or give and take. But it’s got to be equal. Relegation is the perfect word. They can be relegated to where they see us. Bottom of priorities