Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

I don't even understand where he's been doing it. He works all day and then comes home and is with me til we go to bed. I've asked him but he obviouslt won't say. I just don't get it. Trying to make it all about me and how I shouldn't have looked at his phone, I looked at his phone because something was in the back of my mind since one of his pervy mates sent him some degrading video today and I actually wanted to see what he'd said about it. I'm hormonal !! I'm insecure about my changing body ! Feel shit about myself ! But when I opened his phone that popped up straight away ! Yes I shouldn't have checked his phone but maybe it's good I did because now I've seen the seedy shit he's been watching

How horrible. I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this. Of course you are not to blame in any way for his decisions. He chose this course of action all by himself, and trying to blame you is just nasty.

During lockdown, a survey was done asking people how they were passing the time, 100% of male responders said they were watching porn. Apparently nearly all men do. I asked my husband and, of course he did too. I was hurt initially as felt like he'd kept it from me but then thought does it actually matter. Its not real life. We have since tried to watch it together but it was a bit weird.

His response to being caught and blaming you however is not OK. Its not his right to have sex when he pleases. He should have more respect. His reaction might be due to embarrassment though. Perhaps have a calm chat with him without any blame to try and understand.

Him watching porn has no bearing on how he feels about you. You are good enough, you are carrying his child. You will be feeling worse about this with your pregnancy issues and all the hormones. Be kind to yourself x

I agree with PP, I think he blaming you and storming out is because he was embarrassed that you’d seen what’s on his phone and that was his immediate reaction. Not that it makes it ok to blame you. You are not to blame whatsoever and he was wrong for saying that.

Unfortunately though, the majority of men despite denying it do watch porn. He shouldn’t make you feel guilty in any way though for how sexually active you want to be with him!

He won't talk to me about it at all. Says he's nothing to say. So what can I do? I've tried to be calm and talk about it and say why didn't you just talk to me if you wasn't feeling satisfied. But because he has put up a brick wall up and told me it's none of my business it's just made me mad. All I've done is cry.
I've told him I'm really not happy with him watching that stuff if he wants to stay in a relationship with me. It's a deal breaker. Im not very secure in myself as it is and knowing he's getting his jollies behind my back will do nothing at all for my self esteem.

I just keep imagining if this was the other way around and if he found something on my phone that upset him how he'd feel if I was reacting the way he is... he said I have no right to ever look at his phone again. But I'd never tell him my phone is off limits for any reason as I've nothing to hide. It just makes me think he's hiding stuff now after this. He wouldn't accept it if it was the other way around

Just bumping this incase anyone else has any advice for me.

Well I think that's it, end of relationship. 10 years down the pan. Was supposed to be getting married this summer too

OP if porn is a dealbreaker for you personally, and he is refusing to stop watching it then not sure what else you can do. Was he aware porn was a dealbreaker?

His reaction isn't great, especially not blaming you, but kind of a quick reaction to being caught out basically. Some men struggle when their partners are pregnant. I personally don't care if my partner watches porn, but thats because i have no sex drive when pregnant, and a low sex drive the rest of the time.

He has said he'll stop watching it. But he has also said he's changed the passcode on his phone now.
After a decade why would you change your passcode ? It's making me question everything... I just don't understand. It's like he's trying to grasp some kind of control as he knows deep down he's done wrong and really really upset me. But it's like he doesn't care ? He said if I want to break up I can.
I wouldn't change my passcode because I have absolutely nothing to hide. It's not like I even want to check his phone because I really don't, but I don't like the fact after this he's trying to have this whole secretive thing going on

It's not like I haven't wanted any sex btw! It was only two days ago I told him I was in the mood and he just ignored it basically

I think it's perfectly normal for men to watch porn and a lot of men do. If it's a deal breaker for you then it is what it is, I personally think you have overreacted. Whilst his response in blaming you isn't acceptable, I don't know exactly how the situation has played out or how you initially approached it with him. I also personally don't think it's okay for one partner to check another partners phone imo

He’s changed the code to stop you looking at his phone.

Would the two of you consider couples counselling?

I think I would change my code if my husband was checking my phone in that way.

People in long term relationships are still individuals.

It's not ok that he blamed you, and it's completely up to you if this is a dealbreaker.

All giving him an ultimatum will do now is make him hide it, which he has. He does have a right to privacy.

As a previous poster has said, I think a lot of men change their feelings on sex when their partner is pregnant. Me and my partner still have regular sex, however, not the adventurous sex that we used to have prior to finding out about the pregnancy. My partner has openly said he feels weird doing certain positions and even gestures such as spanking now that I am pregnant.

That isn't to say though that those fetishes that he has have disappeared and he likely watches porn I expect when I am not around but I am okay with it.

I think porn is very very normal, even for women, though I understand we all have different views and for some it is a deal breaker.

It's a shame that you have thrown 10 years away, is it not something that you can discuss today after having 24 hours to cool down and find a way to save your relationship?

If porn is a deal breaker for you then he’s doing the right thing to say he won’t watch it again, but I think you need to meet him half way and accept his right to privacy. You shouldn’t be going through his phone so him changing his passcode is his business.

A lot of men (and women) watch porn, it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy things with their partners. I imagine he was defensive as he was embarrassed, and also annoyed you snooped on his phone. I don’t think it’s worth ending your relationship over, hopefully it’s something you can both work through in time.

I agree with others that I think you have overreacted here. It's up to you if porn is a deal breaker for you and I understand why it makes you uncomfortable, but I think you need to realise that most people don't see it as a betrayal at all, it's just a tool for masturbating (and masturbating is totally normal).

I also think it's unfair of you to be angry at him for changing his passcode. You did cross a line by checking his phone in that way. Me and my DP use each others phones all the time but we don't use it to check up on one another and he's within his rights to be angry that you did this.

I don't see why I should accept him changing his passcode after ten years to be honest, he's never ever had anything to hide and nor have I. I wouldn't expect him to accept me changing mine after so long because guesa what, he wouldn't accept it ! I checked his phone because I just knew something wasn't right with that bloke messaging him, that's what I looked on there to check and the porn was already open and popped up as soon as the phone unlocked !
I was actually in hospital all day yesterday and he was clearly sat outside watching porn ! That's not okay.
And I have tried to talk rationally but he just shuts down. Tells me to fuck off or fuck you. He refuses point blank to talk about it but yet he expects me to accept him saying he's changed his passcode. How is that fair ? Not to talk but to try and take control like that

I don't think I'm over reacting at all. I'm massively hormonal, going through alot and feel like he doesn't give a shit. I've offered him sex and also given him bjs etc and even let him have sex with me another way. Yet it's not enough ! Am I not within my rights to feel shit??

You are completely overreacting and actually coming across as quite controlling.

You said you has sex a week or so ago. That's not very often for lots of people, masturbating in between is normal.

It's got nothing to do with your relationship or his views on you or your body (unless he's the kind of individual where it filters into his expectations but given that you've never even been aware that he watches it until now, I doubt it), it's a tool to aid masturbating - like lube or a sex toy. I understand why you wouldn't like the thought of it, but you are taking it too far.

The passcode thing is really controlling. You checked his phone to check up on him, didn't like him doing something most people would consider pretty normal and have massively kicked off. This is really controlling behaviour, he is well within his rights to change his passcode. If a man was doing this it would be considered borderline abusive.

You are within your rights to be angry that he is telling you to fuck off and fuck you but in fairness, you are being very unreasonable about all of this. It sounds like you both need to approach this situation more calmly. You could be about to become a single parent, and make your child's life very complicated, over something very trivial.

That is, of course, if it isn't an indication of wider issues.

Ok most of us would rather our partner's only ever were aroused by us, but that's not going to happen. YABU, you had no idea he was even doing it til you checked his phone, so it can't be that big a deal. I understand the feelings, but unless you want to leave and be single, he won't stop.

You need to find ways to cope and distract.

I might be coming across as controlling but it's easy to say that to me. The one who's posting when you've never met the man or know how bloody paranoid and insecure he is himself. That's why I'm pissed off he can change his passcode but if it was the other way around, he'd go apeshit. It's double standards. I don't ever check his phone cause I don't feel the need too but the time I did I found that?! So yeah now I'm worried ! And now I'm feeling extremely bad about myself.
The shit I've had to accept is ridiculous. Being accused of fancying his friends. Having secret email accounts etc etc the list goes on. But I've always forgiven him because I know he's very insecure.
So yeah I'll take the brunt of it and be seen as the unreasonable one here. Let the man get away with this shit because he's a man and it's normal apparently.

Well it is normal OP, but neither of your levels of "insecurity" are. His behaviour towards you in the past is equally unreasonable and yes the double standard is a problem.

Have you considered couple's counselling?

To be fair OP if you are going to drip feed about your relationship being crap generally then it’s not possible for us to give a balanced view is it? You didn’t mention him accusing you of stuff etc so we can’t give an opinion based on that. Of course accusing you of liking his friends etc isn’t normal because he’s a man.

I'm female and I watch porn.

I'd be livid if my husband called me out for it.

Not all men enjoy having sex with a pregnant woman, they can worry about hurting the baby or you. Or just find it strange.

I think you over reacted