Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

He may not have forced you, but a partner who let's you/encourages you to do something that's painful for their sake.... I don't like that one bit.

This thread has blown my mind.

Yes loads of people watch Porn. I have watched porn but once I really understood how the industry worked, it kind of took the shine off it for me. So I understand it being a deal-breaker for you (even if it's for different reasons).

So, correct me if I'm wrong but he has been watching porn in secret which is a dealbreaker for you
Shut you down when you tried to articulate why you were upset
Told you to fuck off and go fuck yourself
Changed the pin on his phone for the sole reason of punishing you (his words) to make you worry that there is more going on that you don't know about
Laughed at you and disregarded your feelings about porn
Made zero effort to understand you or find a way through this
Coerced you into doing things sexually that you are not entirely comfortable with
Blamed your lack of sexual adventure as the reason he 'has to watch porn'.

yeah, fuck that.

And to all the 'cool wives' on here. Yes watch porn if you like, but there is nothing cool about being treated with contempt when you are pregnant. So all of you telling OP to chill out need to re-read what OP has actually written.

OP. Only you can decide what you want to do, but I would stake my life on him will not stopping with the porn regardless of what he says.

He sounds extremely sexually selfish.

Stick to your guns, @hormonalandupset.

If this is a dealbreaker for you (and despite all the oh so cool women here defending porn, this would be a dealbreaker for most women) then you have every right to tell your H where he can shove his phone and his habit.

The shit I've had to accept is ridiculous. Being accused of fancying his friends. Having secret email accounts etc etc the list goes on. But I've always forgiven him because I know he's very insecure.
It's apparently one rule for you and another rule entirely for him.

He has lost track of reality and tried to turn your sex life into a porno - that's what the sex you weren't into was all about.

He's not a good man. He's a man who blames you for his own weakness and has no respect at all for you.

Leave him.
He has a hobby which should keep him entertained for years.

And all that 'insecurity' and the accusations - it's controlling behaviour, not insecurity. He has been abusing you for years.

Please do the Women's Aid Freedom Programme.

All this has been going on yer you chose to have a child with this man?

OP, I'm in your camp.

I think porn is just dreadful, o.k. I've come across it but the "old school stuff" someone upthread mentioned.

Why would I want to watch the kind of porn that is around now, totally degrading to women, never mind stuff like the danger of being chocked during sex, which is spilling over into real life.

Yea, it would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship.

Also, I think he treats you awfully.

I brought up a child alone. It's not easy - bringing up kids never is - but it sure is a lot more pleasant than having a man around telling you to Fuck off.
Dreadful role model for the child too.

Lots of women are in the same boat as the OP, @IheartJKRowling - they stay with men who do not deserve them because they believe somewhere deep down that they once had a good man, someone who is a 'provider' but someone who also breaks their spirit year by year until they are left a shadow of their former selves.

Don't try to make out that the OP is unusual. She is not. No abuser is going to gaslight and verbally abuse 100% of the time. They are also going to spend time hoovering the victim back in again. That way, the victim thinks she has pleased the abuser in some way and can get him back to where they once were if she keeps on trying.

Sorry to hear what an ass he is being. Porn is definitely a no go & it's hugely disrespectful for any man to be bashing their meat over another woman when they are married. The fact he has gone and changed password is just sketchy. My husband did the same thing after never having an issue before, and It's those things that build up and make your lose trust. I think the way he is treating you and especially you being pregnant, is wrong and I think you are perfectly in your right to react this way.

He clearly doesn't deserve you, and I hope you figure it out and do what is best for YOU and your little bubba xx

I think a lot of men have become massively entitled about porn use. I was a teenage boy in the 1990s, and I felt very lucky if I was able to see a bit of nudity in a late-night film on TV (e.g. Basic Instinct.) These days, one click can take people to a site with thousands of naked women doing various things. It's a huge change in quite a short time. But some men seem to think "yes, this is how things have always been, and it's how things should be - I have the right to see loads of naked women whenever I want, and how dare anyone stand in my way?" If your partner has "pervy mates" then I bet he's thinking "all my mates get to watch porn, I should too, it's not fair. This is the world now and all women should just accept that men have the right to do this."

I think you need to take a bit of time to decide what you're willing to put up with and what would be a dealbreaker. Once you've decided, perhaps you could try sending him an email explaining how you feel and how you would like things to be going forwards. He's more likely to have a think about it if he's not getting defensive on the spot, which seems to keep happening verbally.

If you're interested in doing this, you're welcome to try putting your potential email on this thread first and we can try to help (although I can see that some comments on here can be unhelpful.) Either way, I hope that things can improve for you and that your pregnancy gets easier. Having a kid can put a big strain on the relationship (I have two kids) and it would be really helpful if your partner could become more open to communication in preparation for working together as parents.

Thank you for everyone's advice on here I do appreciate it.

I woke up thinking okay I'm ready to try and move forwards and put it behind me. But it's so hard! I feel really bad about myself now, I already did before but this has made it so much worse. I keep thinking how I'm not enough for him and the fact it's actually wanking over another woman, it feels like such a betrayal. He just can't/won't see it from my perspective which isn't helping. I think if he acknowledge my feelings and said look I'm sorry it's hurt you, I would feel abit better. But he hasn't. He just keeps saying how it's normal for a man to watch porn so therefore it has to be accepted. I've asked him not to watch it anymore and he said he wouldn't, but to be honest, I don't believe a word of it.

How can I get over this ? The thought of us being intimate is also really grossing me out now, as I know what images are in his head from that crap he's been watching !

Does he still find me attractive ? I'm not bad looking, I'm not overweight, yes I'm not perfect but I was always told That I'm pretty. So why isn't that enough for him?

Is it the woman he's turned on by or just the act itself ? I just can't get it out of my head atm and it's driving me crazy wondering

He just keeps saying how it's normal for a man to watch porn so therefore it has to be accepted.

Sweetheart, it may be normal for men to like porn, but it’s also normal for women to not want their men to watch it. He also has to accept that.

Sexual jealousy is normal, and guaranteed if you were watching it to the same extent he would be having something to say about it.

So take no notice of the cool girls here. His rights don’t trump yours.

So you said you are standing your ground yet now he told you to F off and you woke up and 'decided to put it behind you'.

You have anal sex when you don't want to and you're pregnant.

That is So messed up. You know what women are called when they have sex they don't want? They usually get something in return. Like money.

(And I don't mind porn or people having anal. But Jeez anal in pregnancy... when you don't want it...)

The way I see it He's done nothing wrong by watching porn.
But you having anal when it's painful and you don't want to have it. Girl, please don't do it. You really don't have to do it

When men watch porn, I don't think it's got anything to do with whether they find their partner attractive. I used to work with a guy who looked like a male model, and his girlfriend looked like a female model, and he still watched lots of porn. It wasn't anything about her - he just liked watching other women as well. I'm not saying that this makes it OK. I'm just saying that I think he does find you attractive. You are good enough - some men will just want more, no matter who they're with.

It's a bit like: you're chocolate cake, and he likes chocolate cake, and he also likes ice cream and doughnuts and apple pie and custard. He's in a world where men are being told that they should be able to have all of those things. It's tricky now because he might have thought you'd be OK with porn (having not talked about it) and now he knows you're not but he's finding it hard to let go of the idea of still having that viewing variety.

(For what it's worth: back in the days when I occasionally watched porn, I never thought of any of that when I was being intimate with my wife. Real life is very different from watching a video. When I was with her I was only thinking about her.)

You have anal sex when you don't want to and you're pregnant.

She didn't say it was during pregnancy, I don't think.

However it still sounds like op did it, and forced herself to tolerate pain & unpleasantness because he wanted it.

Everything seems to ve about what he wants op, about satisfying him, pleasing him, being enough for him.

It's not an equal relationship.

You've already said he won't give you oral sex even though you give him, he can't be bothered.... you've dlready said he's focused on him getting off.

Hes shit in bed. He sounds pretty fkg rude etc out of it. Shit communication skills.

You're here going "I'm pretty, im told I'm pretty, I do what he wants in bed, I satisfy him, so why this, why that"

Wrong focus.

Does he satisfy you, is he good to you?

Also, I think he treats you awfully.

Me too.

And I'm not even talking about the porn use, which don't mind in a partner in moderation , and which I use myself.

Though I'm wondering if the porn use is making him even more selfish sexually, and fixated on sex acts like anal that are usually not enjoyable at all for women but are all keen porn.

Or was he as selfish sexually all along?

*all over porn

Graphic porn has been normalised, but it isn't normal. In its short span of existence it has dramatically altered how we have sex. It is also, at its best, assumed consent. Bought consent. These people have been paid for their consent and its grim that many think that's alright. None of us are in that room with them, we don't know why they are there. We assume. That ain't consent, but when we cheer ourselves up with hashtags, why bother delving any deeper?

But yes OP, he should be trying to alleviate your fears and worries, not shutting you out further and dump all the blame on you. Sorry.

So many 'women' on here will defend the right of men to watch porn to the point where they will refuse to take on board all the other problems with this relationship. This also means ignoring the fact that those other problems are almost certainly a result of that same porn. Why do women put up with this, let alone be so needy and anxious to persuade other women that they should put up with it as well? Does it make them feel that their shit porn-copied sex lives are as good as it gets and somehow normal? 'Cos menz will be menz and that is all we can expect?

OP, your partner is a grade a selfish arsehole who thinks sex is only for his pleasure. He doesn't want to satisfy you because 'it takes too long'. He wants sex positions despite them being unpleasant for you. He is making you feel guilty - as are some cunt posters on this thread - for wanting sex that you actually enjoy. He is also controlling and paranoid about your contacts with other people. Basically OP - you as a person with thoughts and feelings and an inner life - you don't exist for him. If you show yourself he will push you back in your box.

Do you want 10 more years of this? A lifetime of this? Anxiously behaving yourself in the little box he has made for you? Do you want your child brought up in the same house as a man who has these values?

I think your relationship is over.

She did.

She is currently pregnant and the other night she had anal sex with him even though she finds it painful and she doesn't find it pleasurable.

He's a horrible partner.

Wait...trying to get over it? As is sweep it under the carpet? What the fuck.

Sorry op but don't do that. I mean, you told us that he doesn't even care about your sexual needs. And he watches really 'seedy horrible" porn. And makes.you feel "not good enough".

HE isn't good enough!

He fucking sucks.

Why would you want to stay with a man who treats you like a fucking wank sock and makes you feel like you aren't enough?

Don't do that.
Dont sweep stuff under the carpet.

Get yourself out of there before the babu arrives and you're too tired to leave the bastard for the next few years.

Thus isn't about porn. It's about you needing to know your worth and believe in yourself . I'm really sorry there's some idiots on here telling you you don't have a right to have a problem with his behaviour. Fuck them. And fuck him off.

Believe in yourself.

I'm really sorry there's some idiots on here telling you you don't have a right to have a problem with his behaviour. Fuck them. And fuck him off.

FGS, nobody has said that since the beginning of the thread when all she'd said was that he watched porn and changed his passcode. Nobody in their right mind would say it now after the enormous amount of dripfeeds about what about arse he is!

I wouldn't be able to look past it, personally. I was once in a relationship with a porn addict (not saying your dp is) and it made me absolutely miserable. That relationship forced me to learn more about porn than I ever wanted to know, and now it genuinely disgusts me.. Though I think most mainstream porn should disgust everyone to be honest..

I don't know what to do anymore he just won't talk to me about it I just want to know it isn't about me that I haven't done anything wrong that I haven't pushed him to it but he just hangs up on me how the fuck can I go back to normal when he's shutting me out like this I feel like absolute shit and like I'm the problem I feel so ugly and like I mean nothing to him how can he let me feel this way

Ah I didn't pick up that it was very recently.

Even more shit of him.