Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

"Anyway, I posted for advice but of course got told I've got issues. So thank you to those who have made an already upset and emotional pregnant woman feel even worse."

"I haven't been nasty in the slightest"

If you can't see your own behaviour on a thread in black and white, it seems you might have some issues, whether you want to hear that or not. A lot of us struggle with our mental health while pregnant, do you think it would be worth having some counselling? It can really be invaluable.

That is not nasty. It's factual.
It's nasty being told I'm controlling when I'm already feeling vulnerable and crap about myself.
I'm already having counseling.

I'm leaving this thread now because it's making me feel worse. I've explained myself the best I can. Thanks for everyone's advice

I know dhs passcode, I share location with him and vice versa.

If it’s a deal breaker for you then that’s it isn’t it? It’s not nice for him to tell you to F off regardless of you being pg.

Id be suspicious of him turning down sex when offered it too.

Blimey, this escalated!!! 😳

You know what else has just come to me, he hasn't once offered to get me off ! It's always about him and what he can get. He doesn't go down on me as it says it takes ages. He will literally do stuff just to get me 'ready' and then wam bam.
Where is his consideration for me and my needs ?? Not fucking once has he thought maybe it'd be nice to do something for me.

Yet I don't do enough for him apparently... that's fair

Op - you are not being unreasonable if those are your boundaries. I do not think you are being controlling. My DH has my phone passcode and I have his. I would be suspicious if he changed it. I do not generally look on his phone, but if mine is charging or we need to use one as a gps, then we use them interchangeably. Porn is a boundary for me - I would not accept being in a relationship with someone who continued to use it (DH knows this). Anything less than a sincere apology and full transparency would see me walk out.

other people might consider length of relationship or financial implications. This is not unreasonable - if I was in a difficult financial situation I wouldn’t walk out immediately, but would start planning to leave as I couldn’t cope with the stress long term.

OP You don't have to take any notice of judgements from strangers on the internet. I hope things work out well for you.

OP, please report your thread and ask for it to be moved to Relationships section. The replies to your are gaslighting, vile, nasty and abhorrent. You don't deserve it, you have done nothing wrong. You will get better advice there.

You were not wrong to look at his phone, you had suspicions and they were found to be correct. My husband and I don't have any secrets or passcodes on our phone. It's not normal in a marriage. He grabs mine to make a call or check something, I do the same. I have never heard of people in a committed relationship keeping their phone away from their partners. Something is seriously wrong there if people do this.

During pregnancy is the most common time for abuse to start, because women are vulnerable and he has you trapped. He has been abusing you at least verbally and emotionally. Calling you names, refusing to discuss issues in your relationship, silent treatment, it is all abuse, and you don't have to stand for it. HE is the controlling one, not you. He is abusive and should be supporting you as you need him now more than ever. And what does he do? Watches porn and blames you for it! It is a gaslighting pig. You really deserve better and should strongly consider leaving him. He has hateful, cruel, nasty and controlling. He is not husband material or father material. Please leave him, and make sure you give your child your name and he is not on the birth certificate.

You deserve to be treated better than this, especially when you are so vulnerable and having been having bleeds. He really is scum for how he has been treating you. Please leave him, before he destroys your self esteem completely.

And please get Mumsnet to move this thread to the Relationships section to avoid the victim-blaming vipers on here. In Relationships you will get much better advice, and that is where you should have posted.

@Alb0 the comments you are talking about were made before OP had shared details about his abusive behaviour. Nobody is gaslighting her or victim blaming.

We're just moving this over to relationships.

If it's any consolation OP- I don't like porn watching going on behind my back either , especially if it's 'a lot' - it's all very well people saying it's 'totally normal' that's as maybe - doesn't mean I necessarily want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to watch it all the time- not just occasionally- some of us value honesty about it too- if you are watching it at least have the balls to not pretend you don't/aren't interested- that way we know where we stand. And personally I would feel the same about changing passcodes too - it would set off the 'what else is he hiding' bells-

Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general.

@aSofaNearYou This is in her very first post, and any nasty comments after that, even before anything else, were completely uncalled for. It is very clear even in her first post she is vulnerable and being abused. The abusive behaviour is the very first post! She was gaslighted and victim-blamed not just by her partner, but then by the following commenters.

So other details weren't needed and don't justify it.

OP I would also be upset in your situation. Firstly I do think porn is incredibly damaging to women and realistically if a man is watching online porn it’s extremely likely he’s watched women being trafficked and raped even if he doesn’t realize that. The idea that watching porn is some kind of biological necessity is ridiculous - we didn’t even have cameras 200 years ago and I’m sure men were wanking just fine back then. That said misogyny is so deeply ingrained in our society most men are incapable of facing this fact or addressing their porn habits.

But his reaction to you is way more worrying. You say he’s watching creepy stuff and while you’re in hospital. What kind of creepy? Women being hurt or degraded? Teens? He needs to be open to talk to you about this in a grown up way, and if he’s getting off on looking at strangers being hurt, he needs to recognize that that is not benign. A lot of men begin abusing their partners during pregnancy, and if he’s dealing with the stress by watching disturbing porn and being angry at you, that’s a red flag.
Turning it around as somehow your fault is also totally unacceptable. He is a grown up, he is in control of what he chooses to masturbate over, not you.

Regarding the phone password, ok I don’t think partners should be monitoring each other’s messages etc. but my bf and I have zero problem with checking messages for each other or looking through each other’s camera rolls if we’re bored for example. There’s a difference between expecting privacy and actively hiding something. I think you should trust your instinct here - he’s upset you found this because he knew you wouldn’t be happy about it. Instead of having an adult conversation about that he’s deflecting and trying to make you the guilty one.

I think you’re framing this wrong in worrying if YOU’RE not good enough for HIM. It’s the other way around - he’s behaving terribly and not even willing to address why.

Do you have any friends with similar feelings about porn who you can discuss it with before you talk to him again? If not, maybe ask on ovarit.com for feedback as the women there are more likely to be coming from an anti-porn perspective.

@Alb0 I don't know... had he said that unprovoked I'd be fully with you. It's still not a nice thing to say, but if you partner has just gone looking around your phone and started interrogating you about porn - tensions might be high. It's embarrassing, it is invasive.

I fully emphasise with the situation but realistically I don't think you can snoop on somebody's phone and expect them to sit down calmly and happily.

(Not having a go, just seeing it from both sides. I don't think storming out is abusive either, we all have our moments, it's a bit ridiculously expect people to be completely rational all the time especially after doing the irrational - opening the phone and being annoyed the passcode is changed)

I do understand you feeling upset OP. But I do also think if you felt so strongly about porn being a dealbreaker, you should have left him, or resolved the issue before getting pregnant. I think it's sad a child is now not going to live with his dad or as a family with you both, because of your reaction to the situation. Fine if you feel so strongly; but it is a bit unusual these days, and I think you should have let your partner know your boundaries meant that occasional porn use would preclude you living together with a baby/ as a family as it seems he didn't know this.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight She had no idea he had watched it until now, read the first post. She didn't know.

Just to clear up a couple of points -
I didn't know he was watching porn at any point in our relationship. So he must've either hidden it well or it's only started recently or it's gotten more frequent recently.

I understand it would've been embarrassing for him and I put him on the spot but I was really shocked and there was no way I was keeping that to myself ! I was incredibly hurt.
I could get over it if he said he wouldn't do it again and meant it, but atm I don't trust his word and it's still raw. I would also like an apology for saying it's because I don't do enough for him, that has really got to me.

It was 'teen' and stepsibling stuff which made my skin crawl - he claims not to read the captions

So yeah, I've calmed down abit now but I'm still hurt and am still not happy about the passcode change. I don't believe there is any need for it when he's/we've never had any issue with phone privacy before ! It's been done to teach me a lesson and I know that full well as he told me so. He knows it's going to get to me. But it's making me paranoid and making me think there is more to this. Hence not being comfortable with it.

It's been done to teach me a lesson and I know that full well as he told me so.

He is controlling and abusive. You really should leave him, you deserve better. That's not how you treat someone you love and someone who is carrying your child!

He is the only one who needs to be 'taught a lesson' OP, with you dumping his arse.

I'm too scared to do it and be alone. And i know I sound sad I need more confidence

You're not over reacting, it's how you feel. You don't have to accept something that upsets you so much. And, by the way, if you don't like anal, don't do it. Ridiculous how men now think it's their right.

I would be extremely hurt too op. I'm also with you, I would really feel uncomfortable with the teen porn, how old is your dp? Has he changed his attitude at all with you since you've found out? He seeks to be pushing you away further which is strange, have you had any other problems in your relationship? I would be suspicious if he changed his password.

You already sound pretty alone, ‘offering him bjs, letting him have sex with me another way’ (?) to try to keep a boyfriend who tells you to ‘fuck off’. You’ll need to show better standards to your kid than accepting this shit.