Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

She didn't drip feed.

She outlined that stuff v early on.

Ppl just missed it or ignored it in the porn debate.

You are not understanding that his porn use has nothing to do with you. It's not because you aren't good enough or attractive enough. It's not about fancying the women in porn more. He's not choosing porn over you. There isn't a deeper meaning to it than that. Obviously, the porn industry is appalling, but the people indulging in it are not thinking about that side of it. For most people, it's just a visual aid to an orgasm. You're thinking it is a reflection on how he feels about you. It is not. He is awful. You have massive issues in your relationship. Your self-esteem is in your boots. Don't waste your time focusing on the porn part.

There's nothing wrong with you op. He's just a disgusting horrible man.

He will continue to be a horrible man after your baby is born. This relationship is no good for you and it needs to end before a helpless child also becomes.colleteral damage in his selfishness.

Porn debate aside, he's behaved in a way that's hurt you. Physically he doesn't mind hurting you if he gets pleasure from it. You've told which things are upsetting/hurt. He says it you who are in the wrong and won't look inwards at all, let alone consider changing. He isn't worthy of you. He has no real care for you apart from suiting his own needs.

He is a selfish prick. He won't be the family man you want. Cut your losses now.

You were in the wrong here. He's changed his code as you are checking up on him and that is controlling. Watching porn isn't like cheating, it's fantasy and has nothing to do with being dissatisfied with a partner. You've told him it's a deal breaker for you now (it doesnt sound like he knew this before), so you have to trust him. This does not give you the right to check up on him. If you don't trust him, leave him, but none of this warrants you having access to check his messages or search history.

Really sorry to hear that he is still freezing you out like this. That's no way for someone to treat their partner. Did you say that he has done this kind of brick-wall treatment before? Did any of those times ever get resolved in a way that worked for both of you, or did he just stick with it until you backed down?

You haven't done anything wrong and you're worth much more than this. I know that you really want him to tell you this, rather than for strangers on the internet to tell you this, and that's completely understandable, but unfortunately you may not get this reassurance from him. He knows that you want him to give you that reassurance, so this is becoming another way for him to have power over you.

Have you talked with any friends or family about this? I know that might be awkward, but maybe even just one person, who would be solidly on your side, might help you to feel better. We are trying to help you to feel better too (well, some of us are) but of course we're just strangers on the internet so it won't mean so much to you.

*She didn't drip feed.

She outlined that stuff v early on.

Ppl just missed it or ignored it in the porn debate.*

She absolutely did dripfeed. The comments have been mostly sympathetic since she started sharing details about how equally controlling his behaviour is and beyond.

Some people view porn as cheating..

I don't, but that doesn't make it ok, it's still an absolute deal breaker for me. Some people view smoking as a deal breaker etc, and that's perfectly fine even if it isn't a deal breaker for me personally.

Never once have I checked his search history. The time I checked his phone (due to some crazy paranoia I was having because of fishy behaviour and pregnancy hormones) I opened it and the open porn page popped up as soon as the phone unlocked. So back off with your nasty comment making me feel like it's my fault because I realise none of it is.

Thank you anyway to everyone who has been kind and offered advice it's really helped me the last couple of days. I've felt very alone and it's been great to be able to vent my feelings. I understand it's a long road ahead and I have some thinking to do. And my mental state atm isn't helping things. I'm hoping I can calm down a little and try and think clearly. I am leaving the thread now, thanks again.

The majority of men watch porn and masturbate. You are being ridiculous.

I don't think you have over reacted at all. And not all men watch porn. The ones who tell you this do so to make you think its normal.

Essentially him not discussing it with you is him saying he would rather risk losing you than to lose the porn.
Porn would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. I consider it cheating, and my DP knows this. He also has no issues with me knowing his phone passcode and vice versa.
If I saw what you had seen on his phone I would leave. But of course I'm not 22 weeks pregnant, so easy for me to say that.

This is really upsetting you and he is dismissing you, and that is the worst thing. Whatever you decide to do, I rthink you need to consider that he is not the sort to stop watching it. if he was he'd of apologised and been trying to make you feel better whatever it took. He is basically telling you to just suck it up and shut up.

He sounds like a selfish arse, and unfortunately once the baby is here he could get worse. And to reiterate. Not all men in relationships watch porn. Just the shitty immature and selfish ones.

OP, I know you said you're leaving the thread, but I hope you may at least come back to read responses from pp who are supporting you.

FWIW, I think you need to realise that you're stronger than you think, and that you can do this alone. This baby is yours, and if your DP won't treat you with respect, then you may have to face up to being a mother on her own. Except you won't be 'alone', you'll have lots of support, both in real life, and in places such as MN.

Your mental health, and by extension, that of your unborn baby, now have to come first. Stop trying to work out how to 'move forward' with this horrible man in your life. You can do better than him. You can give your child a relationship with her father, and I have the feeling you would facilitate that because it's the right thing to do, but you yourself can move on without him.

You deserve better. Believe that, and show him that. You keep saying it's '10 years down the drain' (or words to that effect) but, God willing, you'll be alive for several more decades. Give yourself the credit for believing you can make those decades better, with someone better. 10 years won't feel like any amount of time when you're 80 years old, and many years down the line with a man who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

Be brave, OP. Bin this man who treats you like shit in every respect. Have your baby, and build yourself a life where you know you are worth more than this. Because you are. Sending you very unmumsnettry and a hug.

Why are you asking HIM what YOU should feel about it? Who exactly is the boss of you? Why are you giving all the power over your lfe and happiness to someone who clearly doesn't actually like you very much? Come on, OP.

You are going to be a mother. You need to be in charge of yourself now. What would you say to your daughter if she told you that she was in a relationship like this?

No more ridiculous than having an issue with strip clubs, drugs, gambling, literally anything you can think of that causes harm. And porn most definitely causes harm, denying that would be truly ridiculous.

The guilt tripping from the OP...... no one has made you feel worse, they have taken their time to give their views which obviously don't align with your expectations.

OP your husband or partner is abusive, i would be making plans to end things. I generally don't mind porn but not as an everyday thing. As far as I know my partner doesn't actively seek out porn but some friends may send him snippets to watch etc. it isn't his thing. I wouldn't want to be with a man who is obsessed with porn. I dated someone who was in extreme porn once and it was quite disturbing when he showed me so I chose to end the relationship.

I'm increasingly depressed at the amount of relationships than internet porn seems to degrade. Epidemic.

Hope you're ok OP. He sounds awful. Porn aside (and I would feel the same it as you), your life would be better off without him. Difficult times though for you, but we get through!

Have people commenting actually read all of the OPs posts? Porn is a red herring here. He sounds absolutely horrid. He is controlling, accuses you of talking to other men, checks up on you, is forcing you to do sex acts you aren't interested in, and tells you repeatedly to 'fuck off'? How can you accept this? I don't think the porn is the important part here - he seems to treat you terribly.

Christ this place is depressing. I know I'm exaggerating, but atm it feels as if every other thread I read on the Relationships, Feminism or AIBU boards is about men's right to prioritise themselves and what they want to do with their dicks over their relationships and their responsibilities, and about women being blamed (or blaming themselves) for the fallout abd questioning whether they even have the right to be upset or annoyed about being treated like shit.

@Fairislefandango I feel exactly the same. Its so depressing. Mens 'right' to their rocks off at any price prioritised over everything else.

@SuziSecondLaw Agree totally- I find partner using it a complete turn off for me and they morally go down in my estimation- just as if they had an issue with gambling, drugs or a severe drinking problem - I don't see it as cheating.

Exactly. I don't know what's worse, the poor OPs questioning themselves or the handmaiden posters scrambling to defend the men's right to do wtf they want, and accusing the OPs of being controlling for daring to expect some respect and decent behaviour from men (and indeed some respect for women in general as anything other than sex objects).

Ffs. Has it occurred to any of the porn fans/apologists on this thread to consider how the woman being shagged by 20 men in the video the OP's partner was watching found the experience? Empowering, no doubt? Sex work is work, and all that?

Op please don't give a man the power to determine your worth. He is just another person. And a shitty one at that.

Someone that makes you feel less about yourself, is not someone who's opinion you should even take into consideration.et alone base your opinion of yourself on.

Men don't treat women badly because the women are bad. Men who treat women badly -ARE bad.

Stop trying to be good enough. Because you are good enough. He just doesn't want you to know that because if you did, you'd break free of all his bs.

Choose yourself. Because she is good enough.
But he, never will be. Dont waste your life with someone who wants to squash your shine.

OP please LEAVE this piece of garbage. Go to your family. You are far to good for that germ. He abuses you. Do you genuinely want to stay with this maggot who does nothing for you, emotionally abuses you, and disrespects you? Is that the example you want to give to your child? For goodness sake, he is piece of shit in the sewer and does not deserve you. Walk out on him and never look back. You OWE it to your child.