Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

He hasn't gotten away with anything. Porn isn't that deep, if dome discreetly without making a show of it. And yes, women watch porn too.

Even I'm surprised by the responses here, I thought people would say it's fine to check a phone if you're partner watches porn.

The other things he's done aren't great but you added that after.

I'm really surprised about some of the replies on here. I never knew watching porn was "normal"

Most men watch porn. If you end up in a relationship after this one it's very likely the next man you are with watches porn as well. It's not a multi billion dollar industry because no one watches it.

Generally when one partner is anti-porn the porn user needs to be discreet and hide their use and the other partner needs to pretend it doesn't happen.

BUT I don't think porn is actually the problem. The lack of trust and insecurity is. Get some professional help with or without him and make your decision about your future from there.

OP if porn is a deal-breaker for you, that's fine. People have different boundaries. You say it's 'really seedy' which suggests it's not 'regular' porn and is something more niche?

It concerns me that in your first post you mentioned when you last had sex you did some things 'for him' that's you're not into. You don't have to do that.

And it's unreasonable of him to 'blame' the porn use on you not wanting/having enough sex - you're a person, not a sex toy, and I guarantee even if you were at it every night he'd still be watching porn. It's a different thing for most people who watch it to actual sex with a partner.

He really doesn't have to talk to you about it though. You have to make a decision based on your values and what you want.

I'm really surprised about some of the replies on here. I never knew watching porn was "normal"

It’s normal if the majority of men do it. Whether it is acceptable, or not, is another kettle of fish.

Men watching porn is so normal! I remember reading a long time ago then men respond best to visual stimulation (e.g. porn) but a lot of women respond better to mental stimulation (reading smutty things, having little fantasies in our heads). It just depends what gets your motor going! Is it just the porn you have a problem with or is it masturbation too? Because it's actually healthy for men to masturbate regularly, and it has no reflection on you or your relationship together.

Tbh the rest of your relationship sounds like the problem - both of you acting in jealous, suspicious, controlling ways.

OP there are some horrible posts here!! If he lied to you about not watching porn, that is a problem. If he’s unwilling to discuss boundaries in the relationship, that is a problem.
I had exactly the same issue with mine, he told me he stopped watching porn 5 years ago. Last year I went downstairs after being up all night with two babies and found years worth of pictures of random insta models, and 18 year olds with only fans. I thought he was tired and depressed, turns out he had a massive porn addiction and had been watching it constantly while “wfh” (whilst I did all childcare and housework)
he denied it all when I confronted him, told me I was paranoid and mentally ill! Completely refused to acknowledge it. Then physically attacked me (for the first time in our ten year relationship) anytime I mentioned it. He has been rejecting all my sexual advances for the last two years, and getting annoyed at me for wearing make up / doing my hair / dressing nicely for the last 5 years.

I have left him. The lies and gaslighting and controlling behaviour were driving me nutty.
I never had a problem with porn before I realised the scale of his lies, and the scale of violence he went to in defending his porn use. It was really scary. I gave birth to my second child covered in bruises. He bit me, smashed my head against the wall, slapped me so hard I saw stars, spat on me, all because I caught him looking at porn again, because I suddenly became hypervigilant and could always tell when he has been using.

I used to watch porn too and I was always open with him about it so I don’t know why he felt the need to lie to me about his consumption. I can’t stand it now and will never watch it again. No great loss.

please don’t let it wreck your self esteem. I know how much it eats away at you. Focus on improving your confidence. Don’t dwell on it too much. It’s a failing in him, not in you. If you have to leave him because he has exposed himself as a liar who doesn’t care about your feelings, then go. Wish u all the best x

Agree with this.

You have no right to know his passcode to be honest

The porn and passcode issues aside (though they do need looking at) this is a man who is telling you you don’t ‘give’ him enough sex, despite you being pregnant and in and out of hospital with episodes of bleeding. That is vile.

If he has issues whereby he controls you and is paranoid and makes jealous accusations, but is prepared to lie to you and hide things from you, I don’t think this is a relationship I would advise anyone to pursue.

However, looking at the porn and passcode in isolation (pointlessly as they’re part of a bigger fucked up picture) it’s very common that men watch porn and you don’t get to control someone else’s phone.

However, it’s for you to decide where your boundaries lay.

Oh that is truly awful! My wife is currently pregnant and I'll be honest it is very hard! But I totally understand the last thing she wants right now is sex and I'm happy to wait!! He's a grown man.... tell him to grow up!!

It's impossible to reply with the drip feed, because your first post you'd described him as a good husband in every other way.

If it's the former, then you are being controlling and I honestly don't believe this is the first time you checked his phone.

If it's the latter, then he's awful.

Either way this isn't healthy. I love my husband, but that doesn't mean he can check up on me, my phone, or be controlling over my body and I wouldn't do those things to him either.

Nobody should loose themselves to that extent in a relationship.

The bit that’s troubling me is this

”I don't see why I should accept him changing his passcode”

it’s not your place to accept or reject his privacy. If you were a man making this statement you’d get a lot of very strong opinions!

I can understand why you're upset. Your body is changing and you're scared about bleeding because it was hard to conceive and you had a miscarriage. You want to think that you and him are on the same page and he's as worried as you. His behaviour has underlined how you have very different physical realities and this is happening to you more than it is to him.

I think you're wrong to look at his phone, and you're both wrong to expect access to each other's phones. I think you're wrong to be this upset about porn.

But I also think you're wrong to do sexual stuff you're not into just to please him, or to think about sex as something you have to supply to him. The brutal truth is that having a baby doesn't usually do much for your sex life either, at least not in the short term. If you think he won't be committed to the relationship unless you provide 'enough' sex then there might be a short shelf-life for the relationship.

I think you're insecure about whether he's fully committed to you and the baby. The porn is a red herring, when the baby's here you'll probably be glad if he takes matters into his own hands for a bit! Instead of jumping up and down about the porn I'd be asking whether he really respects you and treats you well.

If a guy says he won’t watch porn anymore it just means he’ll be better at hiding it.
It used to bother me but now I’ve just accepted that men are always after seeing women in various ways (even bare feet in sandals aren’t safe from fetishists) and porn to them is worth risking anything for. Look at that man watching it in parliament and the man watching it on a busy bus.

The way he is behaving around this issue is not good. Blaming you, changing passcodes (even though he apparently won't be watching porn anymore?), not willing to discuss your worries.

Porn itself isn't a huge issue (depending on what he's watching and how he's sourced it) - obviously as a social issue porn itself is dodgy I think due to many trafficked women and young people/impacting mens attitude to women and sex negatively.

However, realistically many men do watch porn but if you aren't happy with this then you will have to follow through on what you say otherwise over time he will learn that what you say/do don't match. For some people, porn is a huge dealbreaker, increasingly so as more women become aware of how damaging it is

I just feel really shitty about the whole thing and it's making me wonder things now. It's the fact he won't talk to me about it and has put up a brick wall - how am I meant to start to come to terms with something if he won't tell me the reason why he's suddenly felt the need to do that, I just want an adult conversation. I don't believe it's been going on the whole time because we've always been very open with our phones with each other. So I think it's since I've been pregnant. But he never had a problem with my pregnant body before - it's because of the bleeding I think. People can judge me all they like for thinking he should keep his passcode the same. But I stand by what I said if it was the other way around he wouldn't like it.

If he is deliberately manipulating you to feel like to need to have more sex when you don’t want to then he’s an arse.

However if he is innocently watching porn and feels less comfortable having sex with you being pregnant and having the bleeding etc then I think you are overreacting. I understand that pregnancy can make you feel insecure and less attractive but that isn’t necessarily how your partner sees you just because he is watching porn. It’s a really normal thing for both men and women to do.

It sounds like neither of you are communicating very well with this fall out and the whole phone passcode thing sounds a bit controlling on your part. If I thought my husband was checking my phone to try and catch me out then I’d certainly be changing my passcode too, even if I had nothing to hide!

This.
It's incredibly controlling. I'd change my passcode if my husband snooped through my phone.
Majority of men watch porn, a lot will say they don't, but they do.
He's entitled to his privacy, and checking his messages to his friend is out of order and a total violation.
I'd end my relationship over that. Not over porn.

Leave him. You know he's an arsehole regardless of the porn.

I'm glad at least some people see where I'm coming from rather than focusing on the whole password thing and making out I'm the one with the issue.
I've struggled with my mental health very badly this pregnancy, I've had a lot of physical problems too so this is just another knock to my self esteem.
I feel betrayed and I don't care how normal society tells us women men watching porn is, My partner is wanking over other women. I'm never going to be okay with that.

He has changed his password just to spite me, and if you know the man like I do, then you would see that. It's got fuck all to do with privacy, it's about him gaining back some control because he's lost it and is in the wrong here. But he will never admit that hes wrong because of how stubborn he is as a person anyway. As I've said repeatedly, if this was the other way around and he saw something on my phone that really upset him and made him feel awful about himself and then I changed my password - he would go mental.
Anyway, I posted for advice but of course got told I've got issues. So thank you to those who have made an already upset and emotional pregnant woman feel even worse.
To the posters who saw my point of view, Thank you for not being judgemental.

I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel worse OP, but you did ask and you did open yourself up to the possibility people wouldn't 100% agree with you as a result. People aren't trying to tell you YOU have issues and he is perfect, they are trying to tell you it sounds like there are a lot of issues in your relationship in general. None of it sounds healthy. The way you speak about his jealous attitude and doing things to "spite you" is not healthy. At the same time, you matching his insecurity and need to be able to control each other is not healthy either.

Nobody is trying to upset you. People have suggested couples counselling but you seem like all you really wanted was for people to agree with you.

Op in sorry your going through such a rough time, especially being pregnant. You say you don't think he has been watching it the whole time, is it a case he's been better at hiding it? Takes 2 seconds to delete the last hours Internet history. Fact is he's put walls up, probably because he's embarrassed. You say you've had a rough pregnancy, he may not want to upset you, either way he couldn't win; doesn't have sex with you for what ever reason and takes care of himself - you kick off. If he'd pestered you for sex, given the difficulties your having with the pregnancy - potential kick off. He may not be able to do right for doing wrong. He may of been watching it all along, its never caused any issues so the conversation has never happened about what you find acceptable.

As for what he's been watching, I've watched some questionable stuff, mainly because the tiny preview box shows you a picture and I click it to find out what's going on, I'd hate to be judged by the history that would be shown on my phone.

I think you need to concentrate on your baby and yourself for the moment, when everything settles with the bleeding then in time talk quietly about all the issues raised.

@hormonalandupset I'm pregnant too, as are a lot of other posters in the pregnancy forum I assume. There's no need to be nasty to people who have taken the time out of their day to offer you advice from differing perspectives. If you ask for people's opinions and then drip-feed information, you're going to get a mix of responses. Did you only post so that we could all tell you you're 100% right and he's 100% wrong?

If it's a dealbreaker for you, and it sounds like it is, then you will have to decide of it's time to walk away. Whether we are ok with our partners watching porn or having their own passcodes isn't going to change your mind on that.

I haven't been nasty in the slightest, I'm very upset and have been made to feel like I'm a controlling person when in reality I'm just hurt and confused. Yeah I guess I did think most people would agree with me considering the situation around it, and how nasty he has been since I discovered it.
I have alot of thinking to do. But I'm just devastated atm and feel like I'm not good enough for him in any way. It's not a nice feeling. And I'm sorry I'm not secure enough to deal with it