Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

People called OP controlling for thinking it was normal to demand to know your partner's passcode, which IS controlling.

In subsequent posts it's become clear that her DP is an abusive, controlling arsehole himself, which makes OPs failings a moot point, but I don't think it's helpful to insist that there is nothing at all wrong with OPs outlook. She seems to be of the opinion not that her DPs attitude is wrong, but that they should BOTH be deeply controlling and constantly accusing each other of cheating for having any degree of independence. Her problem is with the double standard, not with his attitude, and that just isn't right. Neither of them should be acting like that, not both. If she takes that attitude forward into a healthier relationship convinced there is nothing wrong with it, it will not help her.

On the porn thing - I'm not a porn fan in the slightest. But disagreeing with porn on ethical grounds is a different thing to jumping to the conclusion that watching it means your partner has cheated on you and betrayed your relationship. It is an entirely different reason to object to porn.

@aSofaNearYou No, is NOT controlling to want to know your partner's passcode, it is NORMAL. In fact, it is not normal for your partner to hide it from you. Most couples share their phones and don't keep it private. It's controlling to have a passcode in a relationship.

The OP's partner was demonstrably abusive in the OP's very first post. You clearly didn't even pay attention to it. It was there right from the start.

is a different thing to jumping to the conclusion that watching it means your partner has cheated on you and betrayed your relationship

Ummm, to MOST people, watching porn IS a form of cheating, it IS a betrayal of your relationship.

Dh has a finger print recognition on my phone.

I find men watching porn such a turn off but that's me, however, BLAMING you for something he chose to do is some abusive shit there so, it'd be a ''no'' from me.

I'd take my baby (not yet born I know) and I'd start again.

@Alb0 We're clearly not going to agree. I agree that her DP is abusive but I completely disagree that it is unacceptable to have a passcode in a relationship, and acceptable to insist on knowing your partner's. I also completely disagree that watching porn is cheating. Contributing to an exploitative industry, yes, cheating, no.

I think the comments here reflect the fact that these are pretty extreme, controlling viewpoints.

In subsequent posts it's become clear that her DP is an abusive, controlling arsehole himself, which makes OPs failings a moot point.

I'm not sure I've read many phone snooping threads where the dp wasn't abusive or at least an absolute arse. I agree that snooping, or demanding passcodes, is something that shouldn't be done in any decent relationship. And arguably if you feel the need to do it, that should be enough to make you question why you're in the relationship. But given how many women appear to be in relationships with arseholes but feel that leaving them is unreasonable without solid proof of something, I can see why it happens.

Yes this is a fair point, sadly it is often justified.

It would be easy for me to say 'Snooping is wrong' 'Wanting your partner's passcode is controlling', but... I was lucky: to have good relationships modelled to me growing up, to have never been in an abusive relationship, to have never been cheated on, and to have good enough self-esteem to know that I can leave a relationship for any reason I want. Unfortunately that is not the same experience that lots of women have had.

That's a really nice thing to read. You obviously have a lot of empathy, something that seems to be very lacking in the world, unfortunately!

I feel like I'm not good enough - that is what he wants you to feel! Do NOT buy into this.

Porn is an absolute blight on so many relationships - you only have to spend a while on Mumsnet to learn that. It is a way of avoiding mature relationships that come with commitment, patience, respect, kindness.... all stuff that he can't be arsed with.

You have done things sexually with him that you do not enjoy, and it is highly likely that this is porn driven on his side.

Only you can decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this. I am sorry that you have become another victim of this pernicious epidemic, that has become normalised.

That's a really nice thing to read. You obviously have a lot of empathy, something that seems to be very lacking in the world, unfortunately!

Thank you. I have MN to thank for the empathy I have in that area tbh. The Relationships board has been depressing, but an education.

I wish someone would ban that bloody word!

They're in a relationship and expecting a baby.

Why is it 'controlling' for the OP to expect to be treated with respect?

It isn't 'normal' and no, every man does not watch it.

Some men realise that it is degrading to treat women as objects and that many women worldwide are suffering because of it.

Your husband needs to grow up and have a proper discussion about it with you.

And I hope you're not doing anything you don't want to do just to keep him 'interested'

You're not overreacting. Porn is a deal breaker for me. The majority of it is misogynistic and degrading.
Please don't feel pressured into doing sexual acts you normally wouldn't do.

@Nanny0gg I couldn't agree more- if I'm sharing finances, houses and most of my time with someone then I want to know exactly who I'm doing this with-