Partner watching porn while I'm pregnant but blaming me

[hormonalandupset]

So I always thought my partner didn't watch porn, Probably naive of me but he just doesn't really seem interested. Said his sexy drive has gone down over the years etc. we don't have loads of sex but it's not like it's non existent. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and going through alot this pregnancy, been through a lot to conceive aswell it's taken years and we've had a loss. Just discovered on his phone porn page open, horrible stuff aswell just proper seedy stuff. Obviously I'm really upset and he's just blamed me ! Said it's not like I do anything... it was only a week or so ago we did stuff and I did something for him that I'm not majorly into !
I'm so upset ! I feel like I'm not good enough but I think more than anything im shocked as didn't expect it, he's stormed out, blaming me ! Am I right to be upset ? I've been at the hospital all day due to yet another episode of bleeding and just feel really fucking shit in general. He's a really good man this aside, he provides and I don't want for nothing but this has really rocked me. It's his reaction aswell like it's totally normal and he's clearly not getting enough of me so it's my fault

@hormonalandupset - it is understandable to be upset and worried. You don’t have to make decisions now. You can make plans to be more independent financially. Do you have any family who could give you support?

I have absolutely zero problem with my husband watching porn - I'd say the majority of men do.

It's just not something that bothers me whatsoever, but if he started to blame me for something that's nothing to do with me, that's when I'd see my arse.

In my opinion though, it shouldn't be a 'thing' that he needs to defend - although everyone is different.

I have tried once again to talk to him and he's refused to speak about it again. He's told me that I am enough but when I said I feel like you've basically cheated on me he said fuck off, it's completely normal for a man to watch porn and go and get with another man and he'll do the same. I said you don't seem to care about my feelings in any of this or how it's actually making me feel and he just walked away from me.
So what can I do? I really have tried.

Yeah I have a property and family around me but I really didn't want it to come to this I truely thought we could work it out, its 10 years!

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight I think it's sad a child is now not going to live with his dad or as a family with you both, because of your reaction to the situation

What revolting, manipulative bullshit.
If OP leaves her partner it's because he lied and trampled over her boundaries. What a disgusting thing to lay at the feet of a pregnant woman that she is depriving their child of living with his father and that it's her fault for having boundaries.

OP he sounds like an abusive prick. You don't have to put up with this and you don't have to tolerate having your boundaries decimated just because the porn apologists of MN say so. In fact you don't need any reason to end this relationship but you've got some good reasons he's giving you right there.
You can have a wonderful life without him. I hope you find the strength.

And once again it doesn't make one jot of difference if all the posters are delighted that their partners are wanking away to porn - those posters are not the OP and this isn't their relationship.
Whether they have a problem with their partner watching porn or not is absolutely fucking irrelevant.

He's just told me I need to get over it and stop going on about it and left the house, again. So it's never to be spoken of again basically. My feelings are clearly irrelevant in this.
I can see it's control.

Most people think porn is absolutely fine, so most people will call you unreasonable here.

I absolutely hate porn, it's my deal breaker, and it's ok if it's yours, too.
I've been in longterm relationships with men who watch porn and it's just not for me. As with all things you just have to decide what you're willing to put up with in a relationship.

Not all men watch porn, most men on the planet don't even have Internet access for a start.

@Alb0 The post you've quoted there doesn't show abusive behaviour. That argument, had with a reasonable man who treated his partner well, would not have been all that shocking in the face of her looking through his phone and flying off the handle about a bit of porn accusing him of cheating etc. It is in her subsequent posts that it has become clear what an undoubtedly unpleasant man he is.

There are two main schools of thought on this -

a) That the 'porn stars' are entertainers. It's one step further to seeing people in an intense acting scene. People are turned on and interested in seeing other people have sex, the same way they're engaged in watching an exciting film. They have a degree of detachment from it and see it as entirely separate form the sex life with their partner, and it's mainly used as solo entertainment.

b) That the 'porn stars' are exactly the same as prostitutes. What you are witnessing is sex workers having sex, in a dark world of coercion, abuse and exploitation. It's mostly free to access these days, but that doesn't make the performers non-prostitutes. The main difference is that the prostitutes are having sex in a studio with another prostitute, and they are being paid (maybe) by the agent or whoever's booked them. They are having sex in front of a camera, and that is then watched by hundreds or thousands of people, mostly for free these days.

A lot of people would reject this comparison, but if someone said to most people on the street (or most women anyway) - 'Do you want to come with me into a brothel, where we can watch prostitutes having sex with each other, and you'll just be sat in the corner watching...and oh and it's all paid for. It's free for you'........would they walk in that door? Most probably wouldn't. Most would feel too self-conscious to be present in person there, but a lot of that resistance would also come from the fact that they recognise those individuals as prostitutes. People paid to have sex with all the negative associations that might come with that.

Just because women on here are ok with their partners watching porn, doesn't mean you have to be. There are legimitate reasons not be ok with this in a partner. It's up to to you. Many women feel they have no choice and feel they have to put up with it becasue so many men watch porn in particular, although women do too.

I was actually in hospital all day yesterday and he was clearly sat outside watching porn ! That's not okay

Definitely not ok.

Being accused of fancying his friends. Having secret email accounts etc etc the list goes on. But I've always forgiven him because I know he's very insecure

Not ok.

one of his pervy mates sent him some degrading video today

I'm interest to know what the content was.

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I agree with you that his reaction is really unpleasant. It is nasty for him to keep verbally abusing you and shutting you out. He needs to be willing to talk. Early in my relationship with my wife I wondered how she felt about porn, so I asked her. If she'd said she hated it then I would have been fine to not watch it at all. These days I don't watch it at all anyway. So it's not true that all men watch porn, and it's certainly not true that all men would shout abuse at any woman who disliked it.

It may take a bit of time for him to calm down, but then he needs to be willing to have a two-way conversation with you. Most decent men understand that pregnancy is hard work and they need to be supportive.

@EarthSight the video was of a group of around 20 odd men having sex with a woman. Clearly a prostitute or something, it wasn't your standard porno it was sick imo

@MoonbeamsGlittering Thank you for that. It's interesting hearing it from a man's point of view. I don't like that he's making out that it's my anxiety and that it's normal so it should be accepted. If it makes me feel bad about myself it should be a no no.

He completely shuts down and it makes me so frustrated because I can't actually get across how I feel properly without being blanked. It backs me into a corner until I can't stand it any longer and end up apologising, but I won't do that this time as he has hurt me and needs to realise that

I don’t think you are over reacting.
It’s fine to have boundary when it comes to porn, honestly wish more women would be as strong as you.

Good for you, OP.
But I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Sad that he had to ruined by his selfishness.

Porn is not normal, it has been normalized and it’s disgusting and highly misogynystic industry.
Always dissapointing to women support it.
A lot of women would rather pander to men than care about women.

OP - you have been together for 10 years. Been through a lot. TTC, miscarriage, etc. And you got through it all. Despite not having a perfect relationship, but who does really.
My point here is that your whole relationship made it a long way. And you didn’t know you had a different views on porn - I am guessing you never discussed it.
He considered it OK, and clearly used it discretely. You assumed he didn’t.
But clearly - his using porn to wank for 10 years - did not impact your relationship in any way. Fair to say?

You are pregnant, and extremely hormonal. I have been there, twice. Most of the women who have been pregnant on here can relate. You are not thinking rationally now. It’s natural, but you do need to recognise that.

This situation snowballed. Both of you are stubborn and emotional now. He isn’t behaving great. You are definitely escalating and acting controlling.
You do need to think about the baby. And about having a cold rational head on if you make a decision to breakup. It’s not just you anymore.
You can always break up - now or at a later date.

But for now - in your place - I’d take a time out. No one attacked can calmly discuss anything - or share feelings. Back off - focus on yourself - and see how the relationship is during the rest of pregnancy.

And - change your phone passcode just as well. You two need to rebuild trust and communication. But it can’t be forced.

OP - sending good wishes whatever you decide. If my daughter were in your shoes I would be encouraging her to leave, but you are the one in your situation. Whilst from your posts, I see more negative behaviour than josuk (eg inconsiderate to you in bed), I do agree that you don’t have to make decisions now. Focus on yourself and your pregnancy. Do things that make you calmer - maybe stay with relatives for a while.

Almost all people fantasise as a way of escaping the boredom or routine or predictability in life. And unhappiness, stress, fear.
for men that can go involve porn in a lot of cases. Not in all
for many women, we may not all use porn but we can still construct elaborate fantasies that offer that excitement in our head. Even in their most mundane form we all, men and women have day dreams about our perfect partner, perfect house, perfect job, being a superstar, winning a million pounds etc . Most of us would be hideously embarrassed if someone else demanded access to that inner workings of our mind and imagination. These thoughts are private unless you feel safe and secure in sharing them with someone else.
while many women, including me, are horrified about what porn does to women and how porn shapes society and men in such an awful way, it is another manifestation of this fantasying.

No one, not even your partner wants that exposed to someone they do not trust to be supportive. Of course you are not supportive, I wouldn’t be, but that is why he is angry. You have in effect shamed him and intruded into a very private place in his mind. Don’t delude yourself this has started as you are pregnant..he will have always done it but probably got a bit more frequent or careless more recently. It isn’t unreasonable that he can have some confusing thoughts about having sex with you while you are pregnant- that isn’t that unusual.

sometimes it is way better not to know what goes on in other peoples heads. It is a completely naïve statement to say there should be no secrets between a couple- everyone needs a place they can escape to in their heads. Allowing each other to have mental space and private thoughts is necessary.

I too was upset when I first realised my ex used porn. I was never happy about it, certainly would not join in, could be regarded as a prude about it. But I eventually realised that you have to give head space to each other. Right now you’re shocked and angry. Please don’t do anything rash . Try to remember this isn’t about you, it is about him. It is about how he fantasises to find a space in his head away from the hassle, frustration etc of life

if you object to content he is watching, then don’t make it about you. Wait till you are not as emotional and discuss it with him form the point of view of does he think these women he watches have free will to do what they do..and does it sit right that he is part of that abusive culture.

he is, as other said, perfectly entitled to privacy. As are you. Having passwords you don’t tell you partner is normal. Please do try to come to terms with that.

It’s an interesting statement to state it is not normal. Porn has always existed- Roman relics, lewd paintings and erotica dating from early cultures.etc. I think porn was probably around since man first learnt to masturbate frankly

what is not acceptable is the pornification of society. Where an industry has grown out of all control in terms of power and wealth enabled by the internet…and how that easy access has led to ever more extreme content being created and bought and sold like a commodities market. When you hear that certain technologies get adopted or not adopted based on whether it has application to the porn industry you see just how corrupt and evil the whole business is.
until men are held accountable that every time they use porn they support this industry ..just as bad as if they take drugs they support the drug industry, it won’t even begin to change. Men do not see their use as part of the problem.

Nit picking..but confused about your statement that most men on planet don’t have access to internet? Not sure where you get that data from ? Recent data states around 2/3rds of worlds population has internet access. In those countries where it is more limited it is far more likely to be the men with access rather than women.

He's into porn, including 'horrible stuff'. He's not going to give it up - he's changed his passcode so you won't be able to check up on him.
Continuing in this relationship, what would that do for your self-esteem?
Start making plans.

I know I have to try and be rational and try and calm down about it. But it's his reaction that has got to me aswell. He's been so cruel to me basically forcing me to accept it or that's it. I feel like my feelings aren't valid.
Of course I don't want to throw away a ten year relationship over it but I'm really struggling to see how I can get past it atm. How I'm going to be comparing myself to some unrealistic standard of a porn star! The thought of going anywhere near him atm is just baffling to me

Hi OP. I get you. And I think we need to differentiate between different kinds of porn in this convo.

Some porn (a smaller and smaller percentage) is soft-focus video of a man and woman having sex. This is old school now. And rare.

Most porn nowadays is violent, degrading, clearly painful to women (only to women ofc) and getting more and more so. I think to women this can actually register in our minds as rape or sexual assault (because often it sort of is!). Like you said all the stepsibling stuff is also gross and obviously close to endorsing abuse and specialising young girls. Of course that's not normal, ok, or good.

your partner watching the first type is different from them watching he second imo.

I'd feel the same as you, esp if having felt pressure into something I didn't really wanna do. You're not crazy or unreasonable. Hope you're ok.

Wtf is this thread? Why are so many people willing to defend the posters grim actions whilst giving her a good kicking?

YANBU op. Porn is an absolute deal breaker for me. A fact which means I might well spend the rest of my life single. That's fine though if the alternative is being with a mam who watches desperate, often coerced women be abused to get their rocks off!

even let him have sex with me another way..

What does that mean .... that yyou've feit you had to go along with anal sex you didn't really want??

No it's not that I didn't want too. But it's not pleasant at first and painful to begin with, he didn't force me in any way. But if I could have done it the conventional way I'd have preferred it. But my point was, How can he say I don't do nothing when we've even done stuff like that!

You've also said he's selfish sexually.

Doesn't get you off but focused in getting off himself.

Wont give oral because it takes "too long" but expects it/happy to receive it.

Not a satisfactory or equal sex life ...

The fuck you/fuck off when you disagree or argue is not exactly mature, decent or respectful either (take it youre not saying anything like that to him?).

Sounds like there are issues, totally aside from the porn use.

Still sounds lind of like you feel like you have to do it, for him... why persevere through something that's painful at first and not pleasant, and you'd gave preferred normal sex.

Personally I think anal is not really pleasurable fir most women... no g spot, no clitoris etc, nor designed for sex .... and also being depicted ad normal bt modern porn, when it never used to be, and that's at women's expense.