Found videos of my boyfriend

[newstart2022]

Hi
I knew my partner was into porn - some of which seemed a bit strange, not stuff I expected a straight man to watch.
i can handle that but I found close to 50 probably more videos of him masturbating. A video of him taking his jeans off to show my underwear.
a video of him urinating in a glass and one off him jogging on the spot naked.photos of him bent over showing his behind.
honestly don’t know what to make of this.

Not relevant to your case OP, but many moons ago when I was at uni, I had a boyfriend who used to steal my clothes/underwear and stash them (unbeknown to me till i found them oneday (I was not snooping, there were other reasons why I was looking)).

This was decades ago so no smart phones etc but he was suspiciously interested in the academic research into cross dressers/fetish /transexuals etc which I was not. It was there staring me in the face.
i am ashamed to say i spent 7 whole years of my life with him before he unceremoniously dumped me for a butch woman 13 years his senior. We went totally non contact and many totally different things happened to me after that.
All these years later, I can honestly say i am only angry at myself for not paying attention to what was right in front of me and for giving him 7 years of my life. Do what is best for you x

@bubblesbubbles11
sorry to hear that.
I am close to that time frame and I need to do something.
hearing other peoples views on it helps a lot.
x

Not relevant to your case OP

To the contrary, it seems incredibly relevant!

Op, just my 2 cents and of course I could be wrong, but from what information there is here, he strikes me as a gay guy with a "twink" persuasion/role type .... who simply cannot or will not come out.

The kind of opposite of twinks in gay porn is the "bear" or daddy (maybe even used together), the bear referring to large, hairy/furry ultra (conventionally) masculine men. That seems to be what he's looking for in porn and in real life, but the closest possible thing he can find without it being an actual man.

(There is also the she make, trans sexual porn ... which some posters on here will enthusiastically argue is used by some heterosexual men, but have yet to convince me).

He's already cheating, if not physically (?) due to his sexuality (some might say fetish, but it seems to me to actually be sexuality) ... he seems to be extremely unlikely to ever be honest and open about things. You said yourself you feel he'll never be honest etc.

I think he seems like a likely candidate to escalate in future to men, and it may not be "just" sexting with masculine looking older women. Even if he doesn't; (like the previous poster) he may end with a woman fitting his inclinations better.

It wouldn't be something anyone sanevwould advise ganging around to be subjected to.

Men who seek out home or bisexual activity on the sly, be ausd they're in in closet, don't often do it within exclusive relatio ships with other men but in risky ways.

7 yrs... don't get caught up in sunken costs fallacy.

You possibly want kiss and dont want tk waste any more time with this very very poor bet for a decent husband and family man.

*kids, obviously

Just an additional opinion on the developments from your updates OP, two things spring to mind as I have some experience in the bdsm arena - firstly, just to say that in a sub context there can be additional humiliation by the fact that the person instructing you to do these degrading things is not attractive, thus can give the sub an extra bonus filthy buzz (in the mind as well as betwixt the buttocks).

Also can they feel more comfortable with this dynamic as it ensures a level of control remains with the sub as an unspoken “I wouldn’t be seen with you in my arm in public” so in the ‘real world’, the balance would be tipped in his favour.

Secondly, maybe he just finds hairy and butch women genuinely attractive but due to society/narc tendencies you mentioned means he wouldn’t want to reveal this by pursuing anything irl so keeps it as his ‘dirty secret’ while facing the world with a socially acceptable/desirable looking partner.

I would say I have several good gay friends and there’s no shortage whatsoever of married men they hook up with at gay spa/clubs/parks etc so if he was secretly gay, I’d be questioning why he’s talking about “pussy” with a woman and not “cock, ball, arse” with a bloke?

He could be closeted even to himself, but given his current antics, it’s not like he’s not indulging himself already in more curious ways than most so it’s be odd that he’s not just having gay sex if that’s what he wants?

Definitely easier to seek out a gay lay than nurture a Trunchbull Domme?

and dont want tk waste any more time with this very very poor bet for a decent husband and family man

Thanks for all the comments, definitely makes me realise that this is in no way normal.
i feel totally drained by all of this and know I need to deal with it.
thansk xx

@MissStarry
thanks. It’s just something he would never admit to himself or anyone else.
it’s all very hurtful.
i have no choice to let go. He will never admit any of this and will always be lying and hiding things from me and eventually he will do something physically,if he hasn’t already

@LooseGoose22
thanks. I just keep
hoping the original guy will come back but all of this is too big to ignore.
i don’t understand why he got involved if this is how he wants to live.
i can never unsee this or get it out my head.

Good luck, OP. Honestly, if you leave him, I think you'll never look back.

He wants the normal, respectable side, and this privately - best guess.

There are lots of examples of this and similar on here sadly (don't want to be monogamous but do the wife and kids thing, are actually gay but do the wife and kids thing etc etc.

He's either gay, or has a weird fetish .... neither of them are things he's willing to be open about or live his life honestly with.

Honestly I think there's probably more than you've found.

Also think there's going going to be worse (more that this isn't bad enough) in future.

There's also the possibility if you hang on in hete eprg this due to familiarity, habit fear of change, sunken costs fallacy etc that he could actually leave you for a woman he finds who is in line with his fetishes (even if it's not this one) .. which means wasting more of your child bearing years, presuming you want kids and don't already have them, on someone who could leave you high and dry. Or leave you a single Mum after you had them. Do you really want such a character to father your kids anyway. He's odd and v dishonest (at best).

hoping the original guy will come back

I doubt he got it by a thunderbolt and suddenly became a guy who is aroused by large, extremely hairy, conventionally "masculine" women who treat him like a bdsm sub, and likes to sext about having dildos rammed up his arse ...... do you?

He's either always been like that, or has become like that over time.... you said you always felt something missing or not quite right sexually.

With such pronounced inclinations, I seriously doubt he's going to lose them.

You didnt see the full/real him by the sounds of it. You've mentioned he's secretive and closed.

The original guy wasn't real (just like love bombing abusers who seem wonderful at the beginning (I've had one of those, thought I'd met the love of my life and a truly great guy) are not the real person.

Fwiw I'll reiterate that I think he's actually gay, with an inclination to play the "twink" role. And he may head more in that direction in future.

Definitely easier to seek out a gay lay than nurture a Trunchbull Domme?

Not if you're so deep in denial that you can't begin to acknowledge your true sexuality.

If you absolutely cannot go there for whatever reasons, what's the "hetero" equivalent of being submissive to & fucked by a man .... being submissive to & dildo fked by a large build, hairy, conventionally "masculine" woman (??)

Kind of like men in prison with their "girlfriends" for the duration.

"The original guy wasn't real (just like love bombing abusers who seem wonderful at the beginning (I've had one of those, thought I'd met the love of my life and a truly great guy) are not the real person"

This was my experience with the guy I met from uni who I spent 7 years with. He was all over me to start with, kind, what I thought was genuine etc. Could not have been further from the truth. I also do not think it was a coicidence that the woman he went off with was 13 years older than him and I found out via her professional website (we went no contact when we split up and I found out about her after he told me her name) that she was openly bisexual and specialised in that in her profession (academic research).

As I say OP, all these years later, it is only me I am really angry with - and purely because i literally gave him 7 of my youngest most "physically attractive" early 20's years of my life when, if he had been openly truthful with me and admitted it, there was absolutely no chance of us going the distance.

He wanted to get together with someone who was openly bisexual, and I have my suspicions as to why (namely I think they probably had an open relationship and both slept with other people of either male or female sex). I very literally could never have offered him that and I am not apologetic about that either, and I never suggested during the 7 years that I was in any way in that kind of ball game.

I also know via the grapevine that 15 years on he is now not with her. No idea what he is doing now and not interested in that in any way - I mention this purely to illustrate that if your case is anything like mine was, these people likely are not interested in really committed lifelong relationships (if that is what you want)

"Definitely easier to seek out a gay lay than nurture a Trunchbull Domme?
Not if you're so deep in denial that you can't begin to acknowledge your true sexuality."

See I am not in any way qualifed to know whether this is the case on a personal level (I am a really really boring ole fashioned hetrosexual gal who just wanted a decent man and maybe a kid or two - got the latter, failed on the former but that is another matter) - AND I do realise everyones upbringing/journey/personal circumstances/experience of their own sexuality etc are deeply personal things which they are entitled to experience on their own terms etc

BUT surely, here in 2022, what with PRIDE and trans debate etc all so incredibly prominent day to day and so passionately advocated for in public, would you not hope that people could just think "Hell yes, you know what? I am gay". And then just be that. And be honest with people they know.

Are people this deep in denial still living with their bigoted parents or something?

Perhaps i am being insensitive about this but in such a permissive society I genuinely don't get it. Just shag who you like, but be honest about it!
And of course before someone shouts "but discrimination" at me, yeah! i know about discrimination, being a woman and all that!!

@bubblesbubbles11
i think in this case he just can’t admit it to himself.
he over eggs the being attracted to women - talking about women with friends , almost in a teenage kind of way, he is pushing 50.

"he is pushing 50"

ahh OP, I don't know how old you are but please please try not to spend a minute of your precious life longer with him.

If he gets to 50 years old and he is still leading what can best be described as a double life like this, to put it very mildly he totally and utterly does not deserve you.

@bubblesbubbles11
younger
thanks, didn’t really realise how serious it all is until I put it down in writing.

Some ppl still can't.

The "norm", the typical is still hetero couples and families.
It is still departing from the norm and everything that comes with it.

The only gay ppl I know moved away to cities.

I do know a 50s gay gay from here who was never out to his mum passed away.

There us a thread pm here on a fortnightly basis with martied women finding out their husband's are engaging in gay or bisexual activity. They have not been open or honest in the slightest about it.

Gay men report large numbers of married men who live as hetero men as participating on every type of gay dating , hookup, sauna, hang out etc

When I say can't, I obviously mean - won't.

I once looked on a gay hookup site out of curiosity and it took 3 profiles b4 a "don't ring me between these times etc , my wife doesnt know I'm on here" cropped up.

@Dita73
not buying what?

Back on the main topic ... I'm shocked at his age op.

I thought we were talking about a much you get man.

I'd reiterate everything I posted x 100 then.

What is his relationship history?

So you think he went for a younger woman because he thought it'd be easier to pull the wool over their eyes, manipulate them etc?

Does he have kids already?

Do you, epild you like them?

A younger woman with a 50 something man is possibly selling herself short to begin with, let alone with this crazy shit.