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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

172 replies

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:09

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 02/06/2022 22:11

Where? I'm guessing the US

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:12

Yep

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 02/06/2022 22:13

Have you reviewed the relocation option properly, OP?

Would it overall be a good move for your family?

If it would, could your DH negotiate a better package?

What's your real worry about your DH?

biggreenhouse · 02/06/2022 22:14

let him go alone then. it doesn't sound like you enjoy being with him anymore anyway, so you can both do what makes you happier.

justasking111 · 02/06/2022 22:16

Men do get some odd ideas when depressed. Depending on which state it can be very expensive . Getting a work permit for yourself very difficult

Riverlee · 02/06/2022 22:16

if he’s happy to move to a glamouress location, can you encourage him to get a new job in this country?

You’ve said you’ve tried getting him help. Is it the doctor he refuses to see? You can get free counselling by self referral.ie. You don’t need to via the gp.

Free counselling in Kent - self referral

Talking Therapies - another free NHS self-referral service

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:16

@EinsteinaGogo the package would have to be about double to accommodate healthcare etc. I very much doubt they’ll stretch to that.

im worried he doesn’t love me anymore tbh

OP posts:
StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:17

He won’t see a counsellor. I’ve tried and tried.

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 02/06/2022 22:19

That sounds really tough, OP.

cestlavielife · 02/06/2022 22:21

You cannot make someone happy.
Let him go alone.
He can ask fir a package with eith flights back once a month ?

thefirstmrsrochester · 02/06/2022 22:24

Has he been offered the job OP?

sylvanian123 · 02/06/2022 22:25

im worried he doesn’t love me anymore tbh

Do you still love him?

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 22:26

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:16

@EinsteinaGogo the package would have to be about double to accommodate healthcare etc. I very much doubt they’ll stretch to that.

im worried he doesn’t love me anymore tbh

What? Why would the package have to double? I’m not sure what you mean. He doesn’t need his U.K. salary to be doubled to accommodate health care.

You would have employer health insurance which the employer usually pays 75% of the total cost leaving only $7k per year that you would need to pay out of pocket for family coverage.

“Across the United States, Americans pay wildly different premiums monthly for health insurance. The average annual cost of health insurance in the USA is US$7,739 for an individual and US$22,221 for a family as of 2021, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation – a bill employers typically fund roughly three quarters of

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:43

Currently the ‘package’ offers zero health care or anything. It’s literally just a mediocre salary for a very expensive location.

He is seeing my reality check over it as shooting his dream to pieces. I’m just being realistic.

Yes I do love him. And I guess he loves me because if I’m ever sad he will go out of his way to ask what’s wrong and cheer me up. We spend all of our time together.

It’s just we have had such a rough time of it and we end up getting niggly at each other.

I think he needs to change career to something more low key.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 02/06/2022 22:48

Zero health insurance? That is a terrible package and I agree do not go to the US if there is no health insurance offered!

I do think it is ok for him to want to find a new job though. Job stress can cause all sorts of MH problems and if he knows his job is affecting his MH negatively, it’s not unreasonable to job hunt. I guess he may be desperate to get out of his current job and that is clouding his judgement. He’s lucky to have you watching out for him.

Mischance · 02/06/2022 22:54

I feel for you - I have been there.

My OH was a very depressed and anxious man. He thought that moving abroad would be the answer to all his problems; my attempts to inject reality and practicalities were seen as me being unsupportive and ruining his life.

We did not go, because I decided that it was the wrong thing to do - he was very angry.

Not long after he was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease, and the presence of our family and friends around us was crucial to us both. Thank goodness we did not go. But he never really forgave me.

StripytopandJordans · 02/06/2022 22:55

I’m so sorry to read your story @Mischance

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 02/06/2022 23:02

With the state of the US and gun culture I wouldn't move there for triple my salary and platinum health insurance (well maybe I'd consider Hawaii...). What about your future though, you will be totally reliant on him assuming you won't easily get a work visa and be forced to be a SAHM tanking your career.

You will be making yourself extremely vulnerable and be totally dependant on him financially, what would you do if you hated it and wanted to take the kids back to the UK and he refused? This would all make me extremely nervous.

PrinnyPree · 02/06/2022 23:07

I certainly would only ever consider it if my relationship was solid as a rock and I wasn't being guilted/emotionally blackmailed into it and genuinely wanted to go too.

No OP I don't think this is fair at all. Xxx

yellowbananasinjuly · 02/06/2022 23:09

Depression can make it seem as if he doesnt love you but it doesnt mean that that is the case.

CuteOrangeElephant · 02/06/2022 23:12

Be very careful, you could get stuck there with your child if the relationship breaks down, due to the Hague convention. Not saying it will happen, just make sure it's something you also really want to do.

yesthatisdrizzle · 02/06/2022 23:16

OMG - don't move to the US without a healthcare package as part of the deal.

ChocolateHippo · 02/06/2022 23:18

Tell him to draw up a budget for the move and then you might discuss it.

motogirl · 02/06/2022 23:26

Get him to double check the healthcare, nearly every employer offers it, but you do need to check how much coverage there is for family members. Costs vary so much in the USA too, if it's an expensive city then it's essential to negotiate the package even if healthcare isn't an issue

Onwards22 · 02/06/2022 23:34

He sounds like he’s very depressed.

I wouldn’t completely dismiss it (even if you know it can’t work) as that’s going to make him think you’re finding excuses.

Tell him you will serious consider it if he goes to see his gp about his depression.

Then go through every part with a fine tooth comb - how would you afford all the bills, how would the children fit in at school, how would childcare work, is it safe for children etc etc.

I get the idea of moving to a new place and starting fresh if you have the opportunity to do so and I’d seriously consider it but he cannot run from his problems which it seems he’s trying to do.

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