Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

[StripytopandJordans]

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

Having depression myself op ive been there-i used to want to leave this country and thought a new one would help and it would be glamourous

its not-and america isnt the place to be right now-on holiday yes of course but not to live-you have health issues who does he think will pay for that

Also youre about to be prmoted -if he doesnt likehis current job he can look for something else but this isnt the answer

My neighbours did this. They believed they'd have a better quality of life, in another country. They left for 2 years, and rented out their house. It was a great package deal e.g. family insurance, free rent for an apartment and great salary. They came back recently, as they didn't like it. Personally I wouldn't do it, unless it was a great package deal. Health care is very expensive and you'll need it. How about relocating in a nicer part of your country?

In this situation he'll just take his problems with him

The OP has also spent that time supporting a DH with mental health issues who refuses to get help.

Its hard enough supporting someone with MH issues, its impossible when they flatly refuse to accept any help. Its their choice but no way on earth would I agree to this kind of life change in that situation, let alone to a situation where I couldn't be sure of health care for the DC and had to give up my means of supporting the family to follow.

The OP has a responsibility to the DC, even if the DH won't be realistic about this.

Why would anyone live in the country of mass shootings if they don't have to?

@Kennykenkencat You absolutely can get a private MRI scan.

I've not read the full thread so apologies if someone else has already addressed this. I had to move to the US from Edinburgh 5 years ago to look after my ailing Mum and I'm miserable here.

It's so damn expensive
food quality standards are abyssmal
Healthcare is beyond expensive. I have no healthcare through work, and that is becoming more and more common due to expense. My single person coverage is $770/mo with a low excess of $700/year. Then 80% out of pocket for in network Doctor/hospital etc

Bear in mind that most States are Employment at will. Which means that you can be let go for any reason at all and no notice period/gardening leave. You will be asked to pack up and leave right away. If you have healthcare via work, you will lose it immediately, unlikely to qualify for any assistance. This has happened to me once here. It is absolutely brutal here in the workplace.

The religious nuts are everywhere. Everything is religion and church based it seems. I could bang on about this for hours but don't have time right now
Don't even get me started on the guns and gun culture, especially when you live in an open carry state. It's truly worse here than you see on the news. There's simply not enough time to cover all of the shootings.

I'll jump back on the thread after work. But OP, if you want to pm me any questions about living in the US in the here and now please message.
I was born in the US so am a citizen, but lived in the UK for just over 20 years. And I miss it every day. The US has changed drastically in those 20 years. It's piggin nuts here. But unfortunately I'm stuck here.

This is absolutely delusional. More kids die from gun crime than car accidents in the USA.

@Yankeescot I'm so sorry. Come home as soon as your circumstances allow (I know you're a US citizen but I'm saying home as that's clearly not where your heart is).

Something that’s bothering me is that you say your DH has a job that others consider enviable, yet he doesn’t seem to receive a high wage for doing said job and is, in fact, feeling bored and as if he’s going nowhere. I’m wondering if he’d be better off, all ways, retraining for a less glamorous profession, if it’s just the perceived kudos of his current job keeping him there?

Would the wage with your promotion be enough for you all to live comfortably here and for your dh to leave his job and find something here that might make him happy? You mention he wants to work with animals, would it allow him to do that?
I would get him to do a pros and cons list and look up the actual costs of living in the US. Not having health insurance included in the package would be a real no no for me and for most peopleI would imagine.

@Boredatwork I totally agree- we are now back in the UK after 19 months in Copenhagen. We were both hugely anti Brexit and liked Copenhagen a great deal but it's expensive, and not a place to pick up friends if you are older, it's a young hip city lifestyle is great if expensive but the great things didn't balance up the fact my H was still frustrated and with anger management issues and I was now minus friends and family and expensive flights back. I don't blame him, I agreed to it but I have learnt, move anywhere and you take yourself, you don't suddenly become a more cheerful relaxed person. I'm suspecting this is NYC . I love the states for holidays - for living?? Nope, not without a mega package of full family healthcare, double the salary and 20 days holidays and paid flights for family twice a year and even then I would think twice. An average flat can be £4000 a month and that's for nothing special

Lol, it really isn’t. many parts of the US are safe, clean and friendly. Even big cities like New York. Yes there are some places with very high crime rates but op isn’t likely to go and live there any more than she is suddenly going to move to a crime ridden area in the uk.

healthcare is absolutely top notch if you have decent insurance.

violence in the USA is rarely random, same as anywhere else. Unfortunately (for the people who have no choice but to live there). it tends to be heavily focused in certain areas.

it doesn’t seem to suit the ops family and the salary is low but it’s a bit silly to write off a huge country of 300 million people.

@Crikeyalmighty New York can definitely be expensive but there are lots of commutable places aimed at families that are reasonably priced. Unusually for the USA there is good public transport too. It’s not for everyone but I do love nyc.

Gun deaths were the leading killer of US children in 2020 www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-61192975

@Villagewaspbyke

@Villagewaspbyke My partner is from the USA. Her family nearly lost their house because of medical issues (despite insurance).

She was once knocked off her bike and had to refuse an ambulance as she couldn't afford it.

Another time she had a serious health issue and was admitted to ICU, but because of the costs she had to leave the hospital AMA the very next day.

The NHS is deeply flawed and I'm never going to deny that; I have extremely serious medical issues too and am on 20+ medications, regularly hospitalised, etc. But I won't ever lose my house as a result...

I used to live in the US and many of my family still live there. None of them have had any of the issues your partner did.

I had excellent care in the US as have my family. Particularly older relatives are given treatments in the US that they just wouldn’t give the elderly in the Uk. But actually even things like mental health and pregnancy care is vastly superior in my experience. Of course it depends on your insurance and there are still some who don’t have any. But generally, things like cancer survival rates compare well with uk.

co pay depends on your insurance. But yes many plans do have co pays and limits. But ime many treatments just aren’t available on the NHS so you may well be in the position where you need to sell your house to pay privately.

i generally think the us system is a mess administratively and I think universal healthcare is preferable.

however, there is no doubt that the medical treatment and options in the us are world class and certainly vastly better than my experience of the NHS. Of course you need insurance or to qualify for a public programme though.

Just tell him he can go. If he loves it, you'll join him.

Chances are he'll just be a miserable old sod over there too, so you won't have to. If he really does love it, tell him great - he can stay.

You're not a potted plant he can just drag around. He doesn't sound worth any more of your energy.

Get him to go a volunteer at an animal sanctuary for the time being.

That might at least help his mood

@ScootsMcHoy leading cause of death in the uk for children is cancer. Doesn’t mean all kids have cancer.

Of course gun violence is concerning but the USA is a vast country and the vast majority of it is peaceful, prosperous and friendly. And as I said, many states do have stricter gun control laws.

@Villagewaspbyke Go on r/medicine and read how US doctors feel about doling out futile life prolonging care to elderly people who are often kept alive in pain to satisfy their relatives when it would be kinder to allow them to slip away with some dignity.

US healthcare is profit driven and according to many measures (the influx of AHPs, the doctors' suicide rates...) an absolute shitshow. It's actually creepy that you're so invested in defending the States.

I repeat: more children die from gun violence than in car crashes. What a great country!

Of course gun violence is concerning but

How you can say that in the aftermath of what's just happened in Texas absolutely beggars belief. There is no 'but' when your child is gunned down in their fourth grade classroom.

I think he should take the job if he wants to. Why stay here and be totally miserable. Its worth a try IMHO.

@Viviennemary -What abot his wife and kids? @StripytopandJordans is doing really well with her career after years of trying to get where she has. Moving is likely to mean steps backward in that I'dve thought.

For sure he can do that if he really wants to- but I don't think OP+ kids should, so that'd probably be him choosing to end the marriage really.

He could actually get help for his issues.

I suppose you also have to think @StripytopandJordans , how you're mental health would be effected by moving somewhere where you don't know anyone etc. Your top priority has to be your health at the end of the day, your happiness and your DC's wellbeing (they would also be leaving everything they know.)

What he's asking is unreasonable IMHO- well, unless you were really into the idea too.

I know there's been a recent school shooting- this is actually very rare though. The few US shootings we hear about (which is very occasionally) are over a whole continent.

Which isn't to say I think OP should move there, as she's settled here.