Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

[StripytopandJordans]

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

IMO is doesn't matter the wage. Moving abroad for work is stressful and can tear at the most robust of relationships. With someone already struggling with mental health, already in a relationship that has some challenges, I would not expect a move abroad to be a magic pill. I would expect it to make his depression worse and blow a niggly relatonship wide apart.

No way would I go, in your shoes, OP.

i think he needs to change jobs and take the stress off his plate- the travel and long hours. He says he would love to work with animals but I’m not sure what avenues there are for that.

I know someone who has their dream job with animals. They did a diploma in dog training and they help with dogs that have behavioural issues. They also do dog boarding and walking. It's hard work but they absolutely love it.

@Kingharoldshairstyle but why isn't it ok for the OP to prioritise her own "dream job" over his? Why should his take precedence? (Even if his didn't involve moving continents!)

I would say you would agree to an overseas move but only if the overall package was good and the whole family would be better off, just not the current proposal. That way, he will not feel you are being obstructive and it will keep his dream alive.

re the salary, I asked on another forum based in that country whether that salary is ok for the area. They were all horrified and said no way, not for a single person let alone a family. Told dh that and he shrugged it off and said they all must be wrong! 😡

I’ll tell him to research everything and find out if it’s doable. Obviously it won’t be.

Feel so down this morning.

I would never move in these circumstances, I did with my ex and our kids. In retrospect we were trying to inject some excitement in our lives rather than work on our marriage.
It was really hard even moving to a westernised, English speaking country, I'm so happy we came back to the UK before getting divorced and I didn't end up stuck there.

That sounds really hard. I think he needs to find a different change to make to his life if he wants change, this is just too much. He needs to understand this is not just about him, and can he think of something else less radical that might make him feel better about life?

This. The mass shootings alone. Who, with any choice in the matter, would put their DC into an American school?

The thing is OP we would all love to live in a trailer by the sea or a remote cottage or on a tropical island but then we wake up to the realities of life. Insurance policies, repeat prescriptions and blocked septic tanks.

Some men really do seem t have the ability to want to live in a dreamlike world all the time. My DBro is one of them and my dappy SIL has run herself ragged trying to not burst his bubble. His son has spent all his married life wanting to become a lock keeper or something equally 'drop out'.

Tell him that you and the DC are not going, end off. If he goes on his own FFS divorce him or any difficulties he gets into over there of a financial nature and possibly otherwise, becomes your problem too.

Any job in the US with no health package included should be seen as some sort of wind up. I suspect there is a shitty rap over there and his boss is aware he is a bit of a vulnerable dreamer and has put him forward for it just to tick that box.

it's hard OP because he has fixed on this as his dream job and you're pissing on his chips because you're about to get your dream job.

If he isn't going to do it, then you need to do as pp suggested and research where you could live, how much holiday you could have and the related costs of living in the US (health insurance, loss of your salary - unless you can have a working visa instead of a spousal visa)

The people we send to the states (and elsewhere) with our company are guaranteed that they will not lose out on disposable salary after comparable expenses are deducted (so if they go somewhere where housing and health insurance and private schooling - we pay them more, or cover those extra expenses. If they go somewhere cheaper, the extras aren't covered but we do always support 4 flights home a year for the employee and each family member)

I’ll tell him to research everything and find out if it’s doable. Obviously it won’t be.

Don't say it quite like that though!

Also, don't leap in with saying obviously the dc would need private schools because of the crime. Let him research the schools and come to his own conclusions.

Do an online grocery shop.
Cost of a shipping container.
And
Cost or replacing everything from bedding to the toolbox in Target. 🎯
Medical insurance.
Cars.
Bills.

Also, he needs to look at the visa for you and if you will be able to work.

Given the offer, it sounds like the package is OK for a single person.

Has got an offer confirmation in writing or is he looking to apply?

If he has not progressed at his current employment after x years, he’s either not hugely motivated to develop professionally or they regard him as middling player. Either way he’s not an immediate candidate for this posting otherwise the offer would be made to fit his profile &/or he’d be actively coached for progression.

i second the suggestion that you pass the baton to him to work out & prove the case for the logistics as a reality check, before considering throwing his hat in the ring or agreeing to a contract if there one.

He sounds stuck & frustrated, maybe feeling that life has passed him by.
The past couple of years have warped many people’s routines & plans leaving a wake of discomfort & discontent.This is a reasonable position to be in & start working towards change.

Having his support through your most difficult of times showing you love & loyalty is very important, but that does not mean that you owe him unquestioning agreement to what he proposes. As he could see you through the hard turbulent waters to a safer surer shore, you can do the same for him by helping towards a sustainable & fulfilling way of earning a living?

Working with him on a personal & development plan based here working with animals offers him something real & your support for this confirms the goodwill between you. A good start would be to look for local volunteering opportunities, so he could start now, be enthused, appreciated & energised. This is an effective counter to his daily grind.

You have much to look forward to with new opportunities & you must not put this aside for your sense of obligation & that debt. He helped you through the hard times so that you can live your life well.

If he is dogmatic & determined about the overseas offer & takes it, then he should go alone as there is not enough in the pay pot for you & your family to live well.

Hopefully you can find a good way forward together here.

This. The mass shootings alone. Who, with any choice in the matter, would put their DC into an American school?

Come on @Innocenta there has only been 221 mass shootings in five months in America and a mere 27 school shootings this year.

This. I’ve been a trailing spouse op at a time when expats went on brilliant packages and lived in large houses. I’ve seen the stress it caused some families. No way would I go under these circumstances. There are just too many downsides.

He needs to cost everything out before you can even have an sensible discussion.

Otherwise it's ultimatum time. Tell him you're not uprooting your DC's lives and destroying your financial security for a pipe dream and he can either find a way to cope with that and at least lead a fairly content life with what he already has, or you'll be considering the future.

Don't feel down, concentrate on your own fabulous job prospects coming up.

Just steadfastly shut down any conversation on this move until he has presented you will the full costings, logistics etc. Not piecemeal, in full.

Also what @billy1966 says about blowing your life up.
Far more succinct than me.

Mine had the idea that moving abroad would change everything too. It wasn't realistically practical but he was dead set on it. So I said go then, see how it is, but we're not coming. He went to a European country and was back within a fortnight. Unsurprisingly his mental health issues didn't go away and he found it very difficult being alone in a foreign country where he didn't speak the language, without the support he took for granted at home.

Sometimes I wish it would have worked out for him if it had meant his mental health improved, even if it had spelled the end for us. Living with someone with mental health issues is tough, but all any of us really want is for the person to be well.

OP, you don't owe him because he supported you, you don't have to be on board with this idea. Be clear about what you want, then let him plan to go if he still wants to. Then don't engage further on the subject. He'll either come to his senses or go alone.

It sounds like he’s hinting that he might go alone.

What makes you say that?

He’s just like it must be possible or they wouldn’t that wage.

This is head-in-the-clouds thinking. He needs to come on here and read about working people’s anxiety over energy prices, housing, food and other costs. There are inadequate wages all around the world. It’s not a UK thing.

We moved to the US for DF’s job when I was a child. It was a magical time in my life and I was prepared to be arguing for giving it a go at first, but having read all your posts it seems this isn’t an option. From the practical perspective, you just can’t go if it’s going to degrade your quality of life drastically. We had a lovely house, full medical cover and my dad had a UK holiday allowance so we took loads of amazing holidays in the US and Canada. These opportunities should be life-enhancing overall, not make everything harder.

This is without getting onto your relationship concerns and his refusal to engage with reality.

So he’s spent ten years supporting you and you now don’t want your dream job to be threatened and you have all sorts of ideas about what you think he should do and you’re ignoring what he says he wants to do?

sure the job offer sounds unrealistic - but it sounds like you’ve ground him down over many years and he’s now desperate for anything to give him a ray of light. And your response is to focus on how to make sure the situation turns out best for you.

id say he’s ground into the ground from supporting you.

Dh has worked in the US. The company he worked for was a big multi National and the time off with personal days, holiday days etc was far more generous than his 25 days he got working in the U.K. People only look at the holiday entitlement and not the whole package

I have never heard of a company offering a job in the US and expecting an employee to pay 100% of a healthcare package for him and his family.

FWIW my plan is to emigrate to the US in about 4 -5 years. We were going to go in 2020 but because of lockdown and everything that has brought with it everything has been pushed back.
I do not plan to remain in the U.K.

However even if it was Dh who could get the visa I think a zero healthcare package on a set salary would be pants.

It is so unheard of I would be checking that they haven’t made a mistake or you have read it wrongly and the healthcare package is 100% funded by the company and you pay zero.

I lived there for a while. Dont go. American companies are brutal. If you don't give 100% every second of the day they will get rid of you. He can't even face his own depression head on and deal with it. He won't last 5 minutes.

To be fair I think his head was in an especially bad place yesterday. He had had a dreadful day at work the night before and didn’t even get home til 2am, so he was sleep deprived and stressed out.

He isn’t really a career person. No real drive. He likes to find a job he is comfortable with and stick with that- which is fine. He was saying last night that he feels that he hasn’t gone anywhere in his job, and while he isn’t motivated to move up the ladder into managerial stuff he feels stuck and like that’s it now. He has what a lot of people would see as a fabulous job but the reality is that it’s tiring and he’s fed up of travel.

He needs a whole life rethink. Different job, more peace, less stress. More fun. He’s so defeatist and negative though, it’s bloody hard work.