Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

[StripytopandJordans]

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

Shootings are not rare in the US.

@Innocenta School shootings are. And actual shootings aren't particularly common.

There are plenty of shootings where I live in the UK.

Personally I think 27 school shootings in the USA, in 2022 so far, is pretty common.

Has there been any school shooting here since Dunblane? I don't believe so.

My thoughts too!
If he’s not going to even attempt to help himself then I wouldn’t waste my time trying to help. He’s just going to drag you down too.

Agreed- it’s a big country.

@Villagewaspbyke How many shootings in schools do you consider acceptable?

27 have occurred in 2022 so far, in the USA.

19 children died in Uvalde.

Ask elderly Americans how they feel about getting decent medical care- pretty great in almost every case. Why would you keep someone “alive in pain to satisfy their relatives”? If you have capacity you are perfectly able to decline treatment in the us same as here.

as I say, I lived in the us and so do many relatives still. It’s not really “creepy” that I think they get good healthcare- it’s just accurate and in accordance with my personal experience and that of my family.

I understand that you have an objection to their health care on some sort of point of principle and would like it to be terrible. It’s just unfortunate for you that the facts are otherwise.

your story about people refusing ict and ambulance care don’t ring true either. Hospitals are obliged to provide emergency care regardless of payment.

no one is saying that the us is perfect. But it’s a huge varied nation and generally many areas are a pleasant place to live. Doesn’t seem that it’s right for the op but it’s certainly right for lots of others.

Just to confirm I am not in favour of school shootings and never said I was or anything approaching that.

Yes @Villagewaspbyke that's exactly the point! There is no health insurance with this job, making it irrelevant saying that treatment in the US is better. And even with good insurance, you have to co pay, and that can costs thousands. My US living sister could not believe it when I told her I didn't pay anything to have my two children - her one child cost her $6000 plus, and she had insurance.

I read this yesterday and found the statistics really interesting.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-41488081

Why not encourage him to take the job; but you and the kids will stay put in the secure home and routine they know.

IF he makes a go of his new life abroad than you might join him in a year or two.

That puts the ball in his court and makes him take full rtesponsibility for himself and his problems.

If he’s stressed out now and working all those long hours here, it will be even worse in the US. Less holiday allowance and even then people are reluctant to take it as they don’t want to look lazy. Coupled with what you’re saying is a poor package this doesn’t appear to be the move that will save him.

maybe he needs to join an ex pat forum to talk it out with people who have actually done and discuss the package he’s being offered.

Ok, just to clear a few things up for @Villagewaspbyke and @me4real

No, Employers DO NOT have to offer Health Insurance in the US. It's considered a benefit and wholly up to the Employer. So many companies no longer offer this benefit, and your monthly premium contribution is roughly 50-60% if you are lucky enough to have an Employer that still offers it. Shit has changed A LOT even in the few years I've been back.
And yes, the person upthread with the family that almost lost their house due to expense (even with Insurance!)and the lassie that refused an ambulance. 100% Ambulance is private and it's completely up to you to have an ambulance or not. It's EXPENSIVE and not covered, unless you have Medicare(over 65's) A ride to the hospital of just a few miles will cost between $3,000-$4,000. A & E cannot refuse treatment until a patient is stable. Ambulance is optional and most people turn them down if conscious. And both are really fucking expensive. And you better hope your hospital is in network for your Insurance. Because it's not going to be covered out of network.
I miss the NHS every damn day. I've always experienced far superior care on the NHS than I've ever experienced here. Since it's profit driven in the US, you're lucky if you receive up to 5 minutes of seeing the Dr. And they move on to next one for billable hours. And usually you don't see a Dr at all but a PA.

Shootings here are not rare at all. I think I mentioned before that you just don't hear of them all because there's just too many of them. I've linked an article below on the mass shootings we had in the US just since the school in Texas through Monday just gone. That's what, 10 days of mass shootings, if even? Those are mass shootings only. The single shootings are constant. Like 2-3 every night in the small town area that I live. Michigan is an open carry state, and the amount of people that carry guns around is insane.

www.thetrace.org/newsletter/mass-shooting-uvalde-texas-memorial-day-gun/

So please spare everyone this rosy picture of life in the US. People that came on sweet expat packages are an exception. The US based Employees don't get anywhere near what Expat packages include. Unless you're on the ground here in the US now, you're really off base with the rosy picture you paint. My expat pals that are still in the UK will not consider under any circumstances returning to the US. They visit family, have seen how damn nuts this country has become and will not consider returning at all.

Re health insurance I have a friend whose sister lives in NY. Her BIL ran up bills for hundreds of thousands of dollars because he had serious cardiac and diabetes problems. He was found dead because he cut back taking his medication to try and save money - now his wife and DCs have ‘inherited’ his massive debt. It will carry on accumulating interest until it’s paid off. A completely impossible situation for them.

@Villagewaspbyke Refusing ambulances because of the cost in America is incredibly common. Saying you doubt that just makes me think you don't know what you're talking about.

For years my partner lived in terror of getting appendicitis or any other random illness because it would have meant financial ruin (after her parent's illness had already annihilated their resources as a family). She still finds it hard to really accept that if she were to become ill now, she could go to hospital without fear.

That is the real America.

@Yankeescot Death by homicidal shooting has a rate of less than 5 in 100,000 in the US. Admittedly it's vanishingly low in most of the UK. No I'm not saying the US is great or anything, but school shootings (OP's concern) are not common at all, in the great scheme of things, and nor are shootings really.

Obesity etc kill a lot more people of course.

@me4real How many school shootings are acceptable? There have been 27 so far this year.

Relocation packages to the US are rarely very generous and even if they are sponsoring you for a work visa it will be difficult especially as your professional qualifications may not be recognised/relevant.

On the positive side it is possible that his salary growth will be bigger than in the UK.
It also very much depends on where the company is based. In parts of Texas you can have a huge house, great schools and be very safe as well as having amazing shopping and easy access to the rest of the world.

Many corporations are moving away from the West coast as the cost of living is prohibitive and the schools are not considered that good.

I lived very happily in Texas for 8 years and made lovely friends but I did not work and didn't have young children.

I would be thinking very carefully about my own job opportunities before I agreed to any of this. Can the company find a suitable role for you?

If they are not provided good healthcare for the whole family then a very big NO.
Getting sick could bankrupt you.
A good company would do this anyway so it doesn't sound like it would be a good company to work for.

According to the BBC

Nearly 53 people are killed each day by a firearm in the US, according to the data.

The data also shows that the vast majority of murders, 79%, were carried out with guns.

That's a significantly larger proportion of homicides than is the case in Canada, Australia, England and Wales, and many other countries.

Maybe he is depressed but that means he should get help with his depression. Instead he is reaching for an unattainable dream and then blaming you for standing in his way.

If he is depressed, he will still be depressed in his 'dream' location. He will be depressed perhaps in a nicer place (matter of opinion I appreciate) and with less money and no healthcare, and with a disrupted family and a wife who's given up her dream job for him.

Does he think that's all OK? If he's insistent that it's all very practical and only you are standing in the way, then ask him to sort out the budgets and a plan for schooling and healthcare then you'll talk about it.

@Villagewaspbyke I really like NYC a lot too and unlike many I really like parts of LA too .As I said, if the package was right and covered off lots of things then yes I would maybe consider the nice towns north of NY like Hastings , but I def think for the US you need all bases covered health wise and a very big boost in earnings given that it's probably not going to be easy for OP to work- also I know from experience now I wouldn't go with a partner who thought an overseas move would sort out all their 'issues' - . I don't think the OPs situation is right for this move.