Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

[StripytopandJordans]

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

DH was also offered a crap salary in an really expensive location. I had to search for places to live that we could afford to show him. Turned out it was one bedroom apartments miles and miles from his work. So we would need 2 cars and I couldn’t work. Just wasn’t going to happen.
He thought that we would live this great life with a massive house and travelling and seeing the states for a few years. Reality was no money and using every bit of holiday to visit his family as no way would they come to see us.

would he even get a visa?

Does he understand he will most likely have no paid time off for the first year and then nothing near as much as you get in the UK? (this isn't true for everyone but if he is being offered a mediocre salary in an expensive location they are unlikely to be giving him any deal on vacation time).

He will probably be offered some sort of health care package - or could buy one himself but it will not be great at all.

I get that he is depressed but this is your life and your children's lives here. giving up your job, changing your children's schooling are more important than a quick-fix relocation cure that most likely won't work. There are places it is ok to live on a mediocre salary - even in the US. The US glamorous locations (LA? NYC? Miami?) aren't among them.

Do what i did. it worked.

Say okay then but you wont move anywhere without all the research having been done BY HIM.

He needs to research and show you the proof/facts about each of these:
what's the wage
What rent and bills will you be paying including healthcare
What is the average salary of the location
How much does it cost to live in such location
What will you do for travel? what will owning a car cost you
will you have enough to save for your pension?
work out every penny that will go in V every penny that will go out. You need to Have at least minimum $500-$800 leftover every month after bills to be able to live comfortably.

@StripytopandJordans please do very thorough research on the Hague Convention and the impact it could have of your relationship broke down if you moved there.
There is a group on Facebook GlobalArrk, please have a read of some of the horrifying situations that you could end up in in, should the relationship with your husband end.

At the moment the package they’re offering is just nowhere near enough. It’s a pie in the sky situation- he so desperately wants to go to his dream location but isn’t considering the reality of safety, the cost of dc schooling (no way are they going to a state school with all that crime!), the health insurance (especially as two of us have health issues), a car/ travel, leaving our house and sending over all our stuff, being able to afford a decent home etc etc. He’s just like it must be possible or they wouldn’t that wage.

This company are already crap payers and he hasn’t had a pay rise in years and years.

As well as that I’m on the cusp of getting my dream job here. I’ve tried really hard to prove myself where I work for two years and they’re now talking about creating a role for me that would be a dream come true.

He sees all these rational reasons as me crushing his dream!

He sounds very immature. Tell him to go on his own.

Sorry to be blunt, but I just couldn’t put up with that nonsense.

Why does he think his job trumps yoir job plus the kids established lives plus relationships you all might have with friends and family?

Well don't crush it then, do what @Seraphinesupport says and see what he comes back with. Let him do the crushing.

The company aren't going to get a anyone to do it if the package is unrealistic.

It sounds like he needs 'something' and he's decided that this is the thing he needs. Something is going to have to change here.

Fuck that, he'll just be depressed in America and you'll be skint and dependent.

Do what @Seraphinesupport suggested!

Or even do it together with an "open mind". Work out how much you'd have left for mortgage/rent and see what you could get

At least when he realises it's impractical, you're not the bad guy

Maybe just telling him isn't enough.

Agree the list of needs then he researches how much it will all cost and show you how he plans to ensure they are met.

If he is still set on it then tell him he's free to go but you will not.

This sounds a very poor relocation package. In fact, it isn’t a package. We were relocated and given company housing, flights home every 18 months as well as a settling in allowance (for cars, furniture etc).

Where is this location? US towns have acute poverty nestled against very wealthy areas. Los Angeles sounds fun but good Lord, the underbelly of that city is grim.

There's not enough money in the world that would make me move to the US with its lack of women's rights, lack of healthcare, gun crime and school shootings. He's being an idiot.

You have the wrong fear.

You should fear your one life passing you by with no joy.

You said you can find joy in things, you will be ok if you two split paths.

Its hard to be joyful around somebody depressed because you either feel dragged down or you stifle your joy to avoid rubbing their nose in it.

I have childhood traum too, low contact with my parents. My dad was depressed and my mother was determined to hold it all together in an Appeances k8nd of way. We were angrily shamed for any emotion that wasnt gratitude or conctentment so i am still healing from my "perfect childhood".

If my parents had split up then my mum wouldnt have had a co dependent foot soldier, dad, backing her up 24/7 even when she was wrong /insensitive/employing a double standard to suit her narrative - and my dad might have found some back bone as a single bad who had to occasionally stand up to an x wife.

They stayed together though and here i am, 4k spent on therapy, so far

Having lived with someone with a severe mental health issue... this is really tough.

I ended up being the bad cop a lot. It wasn't great. Ultimately I have my own version of the tiger mum thing - I did a lot of things to prioritise my son over my husband, many of which might not have looked that way to the outside.

I also did a lot of honest talking - 'i think you're depressed right now, life won't always be like this, what options are there'. Dh ended up first self employed and then a full time househusband. Neither of those ever allowed him to outrun the MH issues but I hope he did feel i would always support him, even if I always had the right to say no to specific options.

This plan sounds so unrealistic that it does sound as if he's setting you up to fail - either you support this specific terrible idea or his depression is your fault. Well, it's not. Don't take that responsibility. If he asks about the plan, ask him if he's made an appointment to see his GP yet. Youre allowed to set boundaries even - especially- with depressed people.

Sorry but the unrealistic thing seems to be this magical mood/personality transformation the second he gets over the Atlantic. No. It’s like they said on ‘Frasier’ that time: Wherever you go, there you are.

Your DH needs help focussed on him. Would he go for that type of help? His self -esteem sounds low to me. I don't know if he's clincally depressed yet, but he sounds like he's heading there.

I suspect Time for You or CBT might help. Or does her get free health support through work so he can gave 4-6 counselling sessions?

Your GP can refer, but sometimes you can self refer - call the surgery and ask.

Good luck x

I agree with the posters who suggest not saying "no" outright but telling him that he needs to do all the planning. Let him start researching house prices, schools, health insurance etc, and say that if he can come up with a valid plan then you'll listen to him. Alternatively let him take the job and go out there alone for 6 months or a year, and say after that you'll re-assess whether it's a good idea to move the whole family. My friend did this when her husband got offered his 'dream job' in New Zealand - he came back after 6 months!

At the moment he gets to take the easy way out and blame you for all his problems. He needs to be taking a more proactive approach if this is really something he wants. Tell him that!

Agree with what others have said - if he is depressed/ down in the UK, he will be the same in the new place. I had the same with my husband - their personality does not change just because you have moved countries.
Coupled with any loss of support from family/ friends - it is tough.

Just read you may have your own role, make no apologies for prioritising that.

@TreeP0se im sorry to read of your experience.

the dynamic you describe isn’t quite what’s going on here though. Our dc are allowed to show any emotion they like (as long as they don’t be rude or throw things around).

and actually I was the one who he supported for many years through severe mental health struggles. I wouldn’t still be alive if it wasn’t for him.

i think he needs to change jobs and take the stress off his plate- the travel and long hours. He says he would love to work with animals but I’m not sure what avenues there are for that.

I agree with getting him to research the details in full. Say you will only consider it when you know the full picture in terms of actual costs, logistics and what his package will cover in full.

This includes exactly what healthcare costs will be including the existing conditions and dentistry, also schooling fees, transport there and shipping of any belongings, accommodation, transport when you're there, any storage, letting out the house if applicable, living costs, visas, your rights to work (importantly). If you can work then ask him to find out local job prospects for you- who the major employers are in your field.

Tell him you're not ruling it out but don't want to discuss it again until he can produce this information in full and it is feasible, not just 'oh well it must be ok or they wouldn't be offering that' as though some employers are not shit. All this information will take a fair bit of research, probably calls to the embassy, schools and insurers etc but if he is serious then he needs to do that and prove that this is something that will benefit/ work for the whole family, not just an escape route for him.

He sounds depressed and looking for an out and has latched onto this as the answer. Your objections will just come across as obstructive but if he does all this research to brief you himself and realises it's not doable then it isn't on you. Could be that it is doable, or that he wants a stint overseas and it is possible with another employer who pay better. If so, I would keep an open mind (depending on your rights), but he has to put the legwork in, not you. He can't just expect you to sacrifice your career.

Also yes to reading up about the Hague convention and travelling with children if your relationship breaks down as he sounds quite unstable at the minute in himself. I don't know the details but you should.

I would also not rule out letting him go alone if he is that desperate, as long as he pays his share to the household and kids here as well.as covering his own healthcare so you're not stuck with any huge bills. If you let him know that's an option then, again, you're not being obstructive but it's all incumbent on him. I wouldn't be too surprised if he is actually relying on you preventing this happening and it's out of his control if that makes sense then he doesn't have the responsibility of making changes.

Working with animals- there are apprenticeships for vet nursing?

What’s the wage op? I think unless you clarify it people can’t really judge.

im concerned this is you don’t want to go and you want your “dream job” so are potentially making this the reason, when he’s right, it is perfectly doable.

OP,
Sounds very hard BUT do not even consider it.

Great advice telling him to research it but do not touch it yourself.

Bad, mean company, shit package, will literally implode your life.

Perhaps he needs to go himself.

I know you love him but do not be dragged into a disaster.

Do not consider blowing up your life for someone who refuses to even see a doctor.

Your children deserve better that this.

The US is a seriously expensive place to live for a family in a nice area.

Health insurance is so expensive and it's absolutely critical to have a comprehensive package.

He wants to run away from how he feels and this job is it.

You cannot depend on him when his judgement is so flawed and he refuses to help himself.

Be the bad cop.

But tell him you have children depending on you to be sensible.

There is no way I would leave a job that is great, to move with my husband with a shit job, with a shit company, to a location that will impoverish us.

Complete madness to entertain this.