Miserable husband has his heart set on foreign move that isn’t realistic

[StripytopandJordans]

I think dh is depressed but he just seems to have accepted it and poo poos getting any help about it. We have had a really rough ten years with moving on from a history of childhood abuse (mine) and the family associated with it, and since we became parents he has just seemed joyless at times and overwhelmed with stress. I get it, and I took the brunt of it as it was my family we moved on from, but I do find things to be happy about and generally have a family jolly demeanour. He does not.

And then the other thing- a job has come up at his company in a glamorous location that he would love to do. However, the relocation package is total cack and realistically we wouldn’t be able to afford a comfortable life there. He however has his heart set on it and is saying that life here is utterly miserable and basically it’s this job or misery. He has very low self esteem and doesn’t believe he could get a job elsewhere (but he could). He is taking my rational thoughts about this job (what would we do about schooling, about the loss of my job etc) as me putting obstacles in the way.

He is often grumpy. Other times he can be hilarious and great fun, but when he is down he is very down and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t make him happy at all- in fact I’m sure of it.

@Cavviesarethebest he probably is very ground down, yes. But no I’m not putting him off for my benefit. If they were offering an attractive package I’d be all in! They’re not, however, and therefore no of course I don’t want to torpedo my own job and my kids schooling/ lives over it.

We have supported each other equally over the years. He has had a huge amount of problems too that I’ve helped him through.

I think maybe what your husband needs to hear from you is some validation of his need for change. Validation of how difficult the last ten years has been for him too and how he needs something fresh and different. If you go immediately to criticizing and point out negatives, it just feels like more piling on and not a lot of understanding. It sounds like you both need to sit down and really have a talk about how you are each feeling, what you want in life at this point, where you are at with the relationship and what you need. And you can't disagree with his feelings and wants or downplay and minimize his needs or point of view. You need to both have your own say, let it marinate for a couple days and then come back and talk next steps.

would him going alone be a possibility?

Nothing glamorous about the US. The US without a company prepared to cover healthcare would NOT be a good move. Its not a safe country, its not a welcoming country to foreign workers. There would be no support for the families needs, there's no realistic safety net for social support. You'd be unlikely to get a permit as well.

So let me get this straight:

1. He has mental health issues, but won't seek treatment
2. He doesn't like his job, but is unwilling to look for another
3. He would be more than happy to move countries for the job he already doesn't like and is willing to plunge himself and his entirely family into poverty
4. He gets mad at you for not willing to live in that poverty with him

Did I get this right?

Because if so, I'd say he current problems are self-imposed. He would get very little sympathy from me for his current situation.

As well as that I’m on the cusp of getting my dream job here. I’ve tried really hard to prove myself where I work for two years and they’re now talking about creating a role for me that would be a dream come true.

Holy fuck OP do not give this up!!!!

It seems that your DH is 'all about him'.

Please don't allow yourself to be talked into this. My DH wanted to do something similar years ago, not a move out of the country, but a move to an area that was far too expensive for our income . It totally broke me as we really hit huge financial problems. The location was his 'dream' but was so impractical that it ruined our lives for years. I gave in to emotional blackmail and that was the result. He is running away from reality, not improving his life.

I just went and gave him a big cuddle and suggested he research the cost of living and work out of its viable. I told him I just want him to be happy.

he wouldn’t go without us. He’s a really committed dad and husband.

I think he could do with a lovely holiday somewhere hot and some time off in the short term.

I honestly think you need to just shut him down. Asking him to do research etc is just offering false hope that if he can get the figures to stack up you’ll go, when that’s not true - you have lives, jobs, kids in school, friends and family, etc. that you rightly don’t want to give up to go and live in a place that you don’t want to live in. You are allowed to not want to go - your and your children’s needs are as important as his. If he is still keen to go if you tell him no tell him he is free to go alone.

Sorry - cross post!

The figures won’t stack up though @ShandaLear. I think he just needs to see that for himself.

It sounds like it is the company that is the problem.

Would he be able to find another job with one of the big multinationals that either offer extensive travel. Or after establishing himself in the U.K. could take up one of the jobs advertised on the in-house company website in the US. I know dh’s company not only offered an amazing relocation and health care package but also would pay for my visa as well.
Dh worked out of the U.K. and spent 2-3 weeks per month travelling although a big proportion of his month was spent in New York.
I always wanted Dh to take up the opportunity to make the move through his company but he didn’t
So I decided to pursue getting a visa on my own.

No.

He isn’t ambitious so he won’t be driven for promotion in the US, you’ll give up your career here and your dc will be forced to start a whole new life.

Let him go alone, he’ll be back in 6 months complaining about it.

The healthcare system and the risk of school shootings would make the US a no no for me.

Also, I hate to say it, but if you got pregnant out there, would you be happy to have another child? Because depending on the state, it's not certain that you would be able to get a legal abortion.

I agree with this. He has to come to the realisation that this will not work on his own. If you do it for him, it will always be your fault that his chance to live in his dream location didn't come true.

Add to the above list:

Removal and shipping costs
Temporary accommodation while you house hunt and your belongings are shipped
Ask what visa you can get, will it allow you to work over there

My DH went through a phase like this a few years ago, but it was the middle east he wanted to move to (lots of highly paid jobs there in his sector).

I did exactly what other PP have said. I acted like I was really keen (I wasn't), in fact I never once mentioned that I didn't want to go, I gushed about it and said it would be a great move, and then I just kept saying about all the stuff we'll need to sort out - housing, schools for the kids (would have to be private), healthcare (would also have to be private), and I kept asking him if he'd found a good school yet for the kids etc, acting like I was really keen and wanting him to sort it out. I did not lift a finger to research anything or sort anything out.

Within a couple of months he just stopped talking about it and never mentioned it again.

However, I know my husband well, and he doesn't have a lot of 'get up and go' to make changes, so I knew he'd do nothing. I've done it with other things, like when he's gone on about taking up a new hobby, I pretend to gush about it, keep asking him when we're going to start, and then after a couple of months he just stops talking about it. Same with friends/family of his that I don't really want to see: I gush and pretend I really want to see them, then do not lift a finger to try to contact them etc., and I know he won't get round to arranging anything, unless they ring him.

EinsteinaGogo · Yesterday 22:13

Have you reviewed the relocation option properly, OP?

Would it overall be a good move for your family?

Erm, OP said the relocation was to America. Assuming she lives in the UK not some war zone or developing country I'm sure it's clear it won't be a good move for her family.

Ask what visa you can get, will it allow you to work over there

And not just work but prosper in a career.

Have you considered the effect the move would have on your own MH even if a proper package was in place? Giving up your own career just when it's about to take off, leaving behind your support network, uprooting the kids - you will be miserable, lonely and rudderless for at least six months. All this for a job your DH isn't even enjoying.
Without health insurance, it's a straight no. You could end up with massive medical bills, unable to return home.

For all those thinking they have persuaded their Dh to give up on their dream of moving to the US.
Dh thinks my plan to go without him working can’t go ahead.

He seems to have forgotten that I can get a visa on my own. Only without his job I can’t afford to pay for his healthcare.

So, even most basic jobs in the USA offer some form of health cover, but some will not offer, for instance dental and orthodontia.

But agree with others - he needs to convince you how this could work, and I'd be coming up with random scenarios such as the DC had an accident. How much would it be to take to the ER?

If he's not even a career orientated person it sounds even stranger OP. I'm sorry. It's so difficult when your partner has mental health problems and won't get help... I sympathise.

If he's not really career orientated, do you think it's the fantasy of living in America/being somewhere different that appeals? If so, I wonder if you could try to suggest different life changes/goals that are more attainable. Eg.would a move within the UK be possible? Changing job (to something he feels more strongly about)? Even saving up for an extended trip abroad as a family or researching ways to travel at low cost, could you both take a couple of months off work and take children out of school for a bit to live abroad for a few months? I just wonder if there's another way to tick the box of change/something to look forward to, that he's clearly set his heart on.

I guess we all do it, don't we OP. I mean, imagine that by running away to a new country we can escape all the things that are troubling us. Sometimes it works, I guess. I'm sure some people move to Spain or Australia and feel reborn.

But, in my experience, it generally doesn't work. Stress, depression, trauma, family problems, etc follow you. If he's stressed here, how will he cope with changing countries!!? What could be more stressful than that?! Of course, I have no idea what would happen. Like I said, it could be great. But one thing is 100% certain: there will be new stresses, upsets and worries. Nowhere is perfect. You still have grey skies, you still have noisy/ar*ehole neighbours, you still get traffic jams, you still have bills to pay, etc.

Maybe you should point this out to him. Remind him that even if you COULD go there would still be problems and stress. Or put up a thread about moving abroad, having a bad time and then returing home. Many people experience this. They go to places like Australia and dislike the heat, or feel unwelcome, or miss London and the changing seasons, etc. Happens all the time. You could then read a few of the stories out to him. Might bring him down to earth.

Like I said, we all do this. We all fantasize and dream about a wonderful new place where our problems melt away. But they just don't exist.

No because of the health insurance. If that isn't properly covered for all eventualities then you shouldn't be going.
But there are plenty of other reasons why it's not a good idea.
If it was me I absolutely would not be uprooting myself and the children to go to the US no matter what emotional blackmail he comes up with.
Tell him you aren't going and that it isn't up for discussion. He can then decide what he wants to do in those circumstances - eg. go alone and fly back regularly; deal with his depression; look at other options within the UK.

Sometimes some things are not negotiable and this is one of them. It would be a bad move for you and the children and it's not what you want so you shouldn't be forced into it by someone else.