What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

He should be offering his phone to you to be honest to show you he's nothing to hide. I agree, checking phones means the relationship's over, but asking to see it as a way of maybe salvaging a relationship isn't the same thing, you'd be doing it infront of him and his reaction at this point would tell you more than actually looking at it would

But as he's deleted it, there will be nothing to see anyway. I wouldn't want to look through someone's phone tbh. I'd feel really uncomfortable doing that!

If he'd deleted the contact temporarily or stored it under a different name, then I'd not learn anything from it anyway.

His memory isn't brilliant but it think it extends to opening WhatsApp forgetting that the message existed and I might see it rather than forgetting he'd received a message at all. Especially one he'd opened, read and replied to.

Ah, fair one regarding the memory. I was reading the thread hearing some of the conversations that me and OH have had! Much swearing on occasions.

I hope he can reassure you, and prove that it was nothing. Bloody gutting if it all goes wrong based on this.

I wholeheartedly agree with not checking his phone. We are all entitled to our privacy, but definitely not to be shady with our partners

If there is anything, I agree, it will surface eventually. I've been waiting 5 years though and nothing! Maybe it means it was innocent......

I've been there op, I regret not looking to be honest, but his actions to try and retrieve the messages went someway to helping me try to put it behind me.

I hope this works out the way we all hope it will for you

I'm just glad you're finding out he's a liar now and not 10 years into marriage. Hopefully tonight will put an end to it as he'll keep lying to your face. I really hope he hasn't been on here reading all these excuses!

I still feel shell shocked.

I'm leaving work now. He's coming over this evening. Other than a good morning message, neither of us has contacted the other all day. Because there's nothing to be said until we meet up I suppose. It's horrible. Even yesterday we spoke at lunchtime even if it was just about this briefly. I feel I've lost him. Or lost who he was with me.

I worry that, whatever the truth of the message, the relationship has been damaged beyond repair anyway now.

Only I can't leave work now because now I'm stuck in my classroom crying 😢

Sending strength and composure through the air waves .I'd send love and hugs but it sounds a bit inappropriate .

Deep breaths ,so many of us wishing you well .I'm so sorry you're going through this but things will improve ,even if it's clarity revealing what you least want .At least you'll know .

Have you spoken about marriage?
What are the chances he's bought you a ring? We communicated via WhatsApp with our ring maker. I'd not being doing much to reassure you, I'd actively want the conversation to go away so I don't spoil anything, and neither would I hand over my phone if I was planning a surprise like that.

This thread is so sad in so many ways. All over a single word.

Thank you.

Tbh, love and hugs are exactly what I need right now.

Tbh, I'm not even sure how I'd begin to go about picking myself up from this.

I agree this is so sad. This could be a massive misunderstanding

We had spoken about marriage but it wouldn't be anything like that.It's not the single word though. It's the deletion and the denial.Believe me, I'd love nothing more than for there to be a totally innocent explanation for it. But I feel I'd just be clutching at straws hoping for one.

OP you sound really genuine and I think you're approaching this in the best way possible. You know what you saw and I don't believe he could have "forgotten" it as like you say he had actually replied to the message.

I hope he's decided to be honest tonight because if it was a flirtation that's crossed a line which he since thought better of, if he comes clean and is reasonable, you can weigh it all up and decide if you want to continue the relationship. I absolutely wouldn't consider moving in together for a long time though. However if he keeps up the "deny til you die" approach you're right that it has to be over.

I can tell how much this is hurting you and I am sorry.

I'll try that again...
We had spoken about marriage but it wouldn't be anything like that.It's not the single word though. It's the deletion and the denial.Believe me, I'd love nothing more than for there to be a totally innocent explanation for it. But I feel I'd just be clutching at straws hoping for one.

Is it possible that he’s forgotten about the message as it was so unimportant to him?

I don't know.

I'm not sure I'd forget about a message I'd received amd replied to especially as he didn't delete it immediately but after he thought there was a chance I'd seen it.

Yes, I forget about spam messages I haven't even opened but not one where its obviously an exchange.

I'm dreading seeing him tbh. I can't imagine how it is going to he innocent or explained.

I think it's why I put of mentioning it for a few days or at the time because once that door's been opened, and you're standing in the doorway, it can't be closed until you're one side of it or the other.

I don't want to have to deal with it.

I love him. And, whilst I know everyone says that, he's the only man I've ever genuinely loved and felt loved by in return. I can't believe that I'm here. I'm just so sad.

And it just feels so unfair.

@SpottyDress wait until you hear him out tonight, do you have any idea of what he's going to say? Has he been texting etc saying there's an explanation or still just flat out denying?

Nothing. We've barely spoken.

Neither of us have mentioned it since we agreed he'd come over to talk this evening yesterday lunchtime. Other than the usual goodnight/good morning messages (which have been more sedate than usual) we've not spoken.

Like I said to him when I suggested talking, we're just going round in circles. Me saying I saw it amd him saying it didn't exist. Only one of us is right. I saw something. I didn't imagine it. But he's denying there was any message at all.

I hope he's had time to think and decided to come clean about whatever it is.

He still told me he loves me last night and this morning.

So sorry you are going through this stress. Hope all goes well tonight.

I REALLY hope you can find a way through this together, I hope with all my heart that he can do the right thing and at least admit there was a message. I can feel how hurt and upset you are and I am really keeping everything crossed for a positive outcome tonight.

Remeber you don't have to decide tonight, take time to do what's right for you. Sending lots of love and strength

Please just remember the old Judge Judy phrase "if something doesn't make sense, it's usually because it isn't true".

Stick to your guns, you know what you saw. You know exactly what you saw so don't let him tell you it was a pop up or an ad, or any other excuse he can come up with. If it's as much of a non-event as he's claiming it to be, he will be able to explain who Bethany is and what the message is for. Don't let him feed you lies, although you seem like you have your head screwed on well and will be able to recognise if he's lying to you or not.

Please stay strong, I am so sorry you are going through this but do not settle for a man who does not deserve you, as hard as it may be to face whichever truth reveals itself.

Hi OP!

Can we check what you were trying to do here? Quote a poster? And what device and browser were you using? Just want to make sure there are no gremlins!

We don't want to derail so you can use the report button to reply.

Love,
MNHQ

Thank you.

That's really helped. I will stay strong. I'm pretty resilient - I've had plenty of practice, sadly.

I just wish he hadn't been the one who hurt me the most.

His daughter asked me a couple of days earlier if I loved him and if he made me happy. He's made me the happiest I've ever been and I love him more than I could ever even begin to express.

At the moment I'm alternating between sadness and numbness.

I have every sympathy for you, I really do. But I think you’re being naive about asking for/being offered his phone. It being a ‘relationship ending’ scenario is simply not applicable to modern relationships - technology is messy, so it’s best to be clear, simple and transparent, and that requires the transparency of devices. There are myriad reasons in this day and age why messages and emails, posts and DMs can be hazy, misconstrued and opaque. It’s the gesture of it that’s important in this scenario, rather than actually doing it.