What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

[SpottyDress]

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

@Didimum exactly my thoughts, op this is what my post upthread meant when I said that his reaction meant more than actually looking. My partner at the time offered his phone to me to keep until I next saw him (3 days) I said yes to see if he meant it, he looked crestfallen but handed it over. I handed it back and told him I didn't need it but I appreciated that he would go to those lengths

What would be the point? He's hardly going to have anything incriminating on it at the moment.

If he handed it over confidently or offered it to me, there'd be little point anyway.

If I were in his shoes, I'd wipe everything - search history, cookies, clear out contacts, messages, the lot before coming over this evening - just in case.

So would I but I think he'd still be on edge incase anything came through. Or call his bluff, tell him you know how to retrieve deleted chats, ask for his phone and see what he does. It is all in his reaction.

That’s assuming there has been wrongdoing. If there is innocence (which is still entirely plausible) and you do look through his phone, you may come across the name and/or contact elsewhere and find out who it was. I absolutely think this scenario sounds fishy and I wholly agree with you demanding answers, but you are spinning a lot of imagined behaviour based on one evening of glancing at his phone. I believe what you saw/read existed, for sure - but the deleting, wiping his phone, trashing any evidence is all just conjecture.

I agree asking to see his phone is meaningless now.

It's much better to ask again for an explanation and honesty and explain that you know what you saw and you can't deal with the subsequent denial and lying which is destroying your relationship and trust in him.

I hope he can offer a valid explanation, even if you don't perhaps fully like the truth. If he realises that the truth is required, and the only way for you to move forward, then the truth he has to deliver. He has tried denial and that hasn't worked. I hope it's something he is a little/ a lot ashamed of and thought he could contain but has backed himself further into a corner with his subsequent actions.

Some men just lie/deny when they think it's the easiest option. The problem with this approach is that it often doesn't work and just compounds the issue into a bigger problem. Then they have the problem of the cause of the lie, plus the subsequent lying to deal with. We have a Prime Minister who believes in this approach as well!

Wishing you luck and I hope it can all be resolved for you.

My heart goes out to you, Spotty. Your distress is palpable.

Even if he finally comes clean, can you come back from his attempt to dupe you? It’s such a violation of your trust and emotional safety.

Question - sorry if you’ve said this before - but are you sure the message has disappeared from WhatsApp or could it have been further down the list and when you looked he had it scrolled down, and when you looked again and it had gone he had scrolled up? Or did you note the names/message directly above and below it?

Stay strong OP. Will be thinking of you tonight.
Sending love and hugs along with all your other well wishers here… you are being so brave.

All the best for tonight.

Thinking of you this evening and hoping it can be sorted. You clearly love him. I really admire your integrity. Best wishes.

hoping you’re okay tonight x

I hope you get the answers you need.

Hope you are ok and get some answer

I'm sorry you're going through this op, I hope you get your answers tonight

💐

Morning OP, how are you feeling this morning?

Hope everything went okay OP and you got some answers!

Hope all went the way you were hoping, OP.

Oh dear .Clearly things didn't lead to a happy resolution.I know it's silly as the OP is obviously a stranger to me but I'm gutted for her .I really am .

@peridito I know I have been thinking about the OP today too. Really hope she's ok.

I guess if the outcome was negative and he was not what he seemed then she is as well finding out sooner rather than later .

Some people seem to have more than their share of rotten experiences .

Oh OP I hope you’re ok, I know how hard this is, though myself and DH were in our very early 20s so both had very different life experience.
At the start of our relationship my husband
had some different thoughts on boundaries, he’d taken to talking to random women online and commenting on their (sometimes) explicit photos.
It honestly was so strange as all of this happened after years of him waiting for me
to be single without me knowing it, and looking at him and how he was with me you’d never have known what he was doing.
I didn’t find out until long after it had stopped and we were happily married, with our first on the way, but it still floored me. We made it through that absolutely horrible time, but honestly if I found out at the time it was happening I would have left him, which is sad as we’re very happy now but I still would have.

The fact that your partner has lied and deleted the evidence says enough really. It’s not innocent enough to just tell you about or to even try and show you the evidence, he’s just doubled down on the lie by trying to explain it away too.

I hope you got some real answers and he doesn’t gaslight you into thinking you’re mad, even if it’s not the outcome you desperately want. 💐

Thinking of you, Spotty. I hope by now you have some answers.

Thinking of you here too 💐

You are brave and strong. I hope there is an explanation and you can move forward, but if not you will heal.

I hope you are ok OP.