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Original poster

What are the chances I imagined this and what would you do..?

411 replies

SpottyDress · 01/06/2022 19:09

I've been with my boyfriend coming up for a year. He's late 50s and I'm mid 40s. We've known each other for a few years and we play in a band together.

We're both invested in the relationship. I don't have any doubts about that. We don't live together but he's shown that he is committed to me from day one really. I've glfeltnreaply safe and secure throughout in a way I never have done before.

And then last night...

We were sitting on the sofa watching TV and his phone went off. We were sitting really close together and, when he opened WhatsApp to read the message, I just glanced over and saw the list. I wasn't looking for anything, I've never had any reason to doubt him. The names on the list are always ones I recognise, he's not secretive with his phone - I know the pass code had have never felt cause or reason to look at it. I'm not sure I could tbh.

Anyway, the name about fourth down was one I didn't recognise which caught my eye. It was a 'young' woman's name. Think something like 'Bethany'. Underneath, I caught the first (only?) word of the message 'Beautiful'.

I didn't say anything and our evening continued. We both left the room at various points and, later, when he picked up another message again, it had gone.

I've started to doubt myself since - did I imagine it? How would I even bring it up? If the 'Beautiful' comment had been under a name I recognised, tbh, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It's more that it's a younger woman's name and that I didn't recognise it. I know all his friends, he's very open about things so you can see why I think this is 'odd'.

What are the chances I imagined it (I read the name 3 or 4 times so I don't think I did)? What are the chances it's innocent?

If it was any other boyfriend, I'd have ended the relationship at this stage. I wouldn't even have had a conversation about it. I know that with no message, I can't prove it was there. He can't prove it was innocent because it no longer exists and I'd have said that to anyone else. But because of the impact on the band if we split up (I'd leave), I feel I need to he more certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 16:17

OK. Just to clarify a few things. He's not a stupid man; he'd remember if he'd had an unusual message from a stranger.

Yes, there are plenty of plausible innocent reasons but I wasn't given any of those. It was deleted and then denied.

If I'm honest, I actually thought it might have been the woman he'd been talking to last weekend. If he'd exchanged numbers with her and they'd kept in touch that wouldn't be a huge issue. I'm not actually a jealous person, I just don't tolerate being taken for a fool. But I think he'd have mentioned that anyway if he'd done it purely because he knows that.

He didn't have 'mentionitis' about her, he just told me what he'd been doing while I wasn't there and that was one of the many things he told me about and it wasn't mentioned again. I have no idea if he thought she was attractive/found her attractive. I didn't ask. I've got lots of male friends - I find some of them quite attractive. People find people attractive. That doesn't bother me in and of itself.

He's reassured me in terms of telling me how he feels about me but that hasn't done anything to explain what I saw.

Tbh, I don't think he's having an affair. I don't think it's that at all. I don't think he would do anything that he considered to he crossing a boundary.

But this...

if he didn’t cross what HE perceived to be the line (sex) then he wasn’t crossing any lines

I feel is possible.

I can't imagine that he'd be sexting either but a flirtation, I could see how that could happen.

Tbh, if it was a flirtation because he and I have different ideas of where our boundaries lie and a conversation would clarify it, then that would be one thing.

If he's got some woman sending him nudes and he's telling her she's beautiful, that would be a different thing entirely.

I think that's what I need to speak to him about and be clear about.

OP posts:
SafeMove · 07/06/2022 16:17

@cushio but what could I actually have done to resolve it? I wracked my brains. I looked up 'Steve' in my whatsapp search. I even went through my FB to try work out who 'Steve' was. I absolutely drew a blank. I even said to DP 'I am really sorry, I just can't explain it' and at one point even wondered if DP was head fucking me (he knows my past where exH used to beat the crap out of me for things I hadn't done but exH insisted I had).

DP didn't threaten to leave me or seem that worried so maybe I would have been a bit more reactive if he had but I genuinely had a brain freeze right until the lightbulb moment I handed his present over. None of us know what is going on. We can't say for certain whether OP's DP is or isn't going on but I just wanted to offer up my experience as it was eerily similar.

SafeMove · 07/06/2022 16:28

@SpottyDress yeah, I am not 'stupid' either Hmm can see my experience isn't needed so will bow out of the thread now. Good luck.

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 16:29

No, savemove quite the contrary! It's helpful to see that it could actually happen that someone could actually have drawn a blank!

OP posts:
Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 16:31

I remember absolutely everything. I can remember what I was wearing when I had particular conversations or where I was and what I was doing when I had particular ideas when I was 10. I don't keep a diary because I have a running calendar in my head.

So I find it hard to imagine that other people don't do similar.

OP posts:
Clementine183 · 07/06/2022 17:12

Sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the previous poster who said that the best strategy is to sit him down and say that you know he is lying and you are giving him a chance to explain and discuss it calmly. But if you do this you need to sound absolutely convinced that you believe in what you are saying, because any chink in the door and he will take it I'm sure. For what it's worth I don't think you can have imagined the message and it sounds to me as if it is probably a flirtation that he now regrets - you may or may not be able to get past that but if he isn't open about it then I doubt it's going to work, you won't have enough trust.

Sometimes things definitely do happen that you just can't explain. My husband got very upset with me once years ago because he saw a bank statement with a transaction to the London Eye and he thought this indicated that I had been on it with another man (this wasn't an unreasonable leap of imagination at the time). I have never been on the London Eye and still can't explain how the transaction got there - I can only assume it was a business group thing and I made the transaction to some other associated business that came through under the banner of the London Eye, but I couldn't work out what on earth it could have been and will probably never know. So I couldn't give him a plausible explanation. What I didn't do, though, is say "well, you obviously imagined it, the transaction was never there". That is the more telling part of the story IMO and what he needs to address.

peridito · 07/06/2022 17:14

I don't know if this is relevant but the sender can delete a Whatsapp message that has been delivered but not opened .
So it would be possible for Bethany to send a message ,for it to be delivered and the first word/s of it seen by the OP and for it then to be deleted .By Bethany .

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 17:23

It wasn't an unread message. He'd replied to whatever was sent to him. With 'beautiful'.

OP posts:
peridito · 07/06/2022 17:49

I'm sorry OP ,I so want this to be ok for you .

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 17:57

Thanks.

He's coming over tomorrow so we can talk.

I'm really pleased that I updated. It's been really helpful in terms of deciding what I'm going to say and what I want to do next.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 17:57

It could have been a photo of a kitten or a goal being scored by a football team or Boris Johnson's confidence vote. The word beautiful is meaningless without context.

I don't know whether you are someone so damaged from the past this is having an unnatural response or whether your gut instinct is kicking in and he is absolutely hiding something. Without knowing you it is impossible to tell.

I could not get worked up about a message that said one word, and wouldn't dream of ending a relationship over one message with no context. I appreciate I am trusting person, and have had no reason not to be.

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 17:59

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 17:57

It could have been a photo of a kitten or a goal being scored by a football team or Boris Johnson's confidence vote. The word beautiful is meaningless without context.

I don't know whether you are someone so damaged from the past this is having an unnatural response or whether your gut instinct is kicking in and he is absolutely hiding something. Without knowing you it is impossible to tell.

I could not get worked up about a message that said one word, and wouldn't dream of ending a relationship over one message with no context. I appreciate I am trusting person, and have had no reason not to be.

Would a photo of a kitten or a goal being scored have been deleted and denied?

As I've said, I appreciate there are many innocent explanations. But I haven't been given one. I've been told the message doesn't exist and never has.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 18:06

but the OP has said that he's lied about the message! A bit different.

No he doesn't remember the message and doesn't have the message anymore to check, it is not the same as lying.

Would a photo of a kitten or a goal being scored have been deleted and denied?

Well yes it might well be deleted as it is pointless keeping a message like that and not important, and not remembered days later in amongst the other barrage of messages we are all sent every day.

Look, I am not making excuses for him - he might be as guilty as hell but I am the person who sent my window cleaner a cant wait to see you with love hearts and kisses! I only realised the following day! I had intended to send it to a very old friend but was tired. I am sure his wife would have been supremely unimpressed, and if so inclined extremely suspicious had she read it. I obv apologised and we laughed about it.

He might not remember what message you are referring to, or he might be lying. Tomorrow look him in the eye, ask him again - keep quiet and watch carefully but I am afraid if he is a player he is likely to be a good liar too.

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 18:15

He replied 'beautiful' to whatever he was sent.

Yes, spam messages get deleted routinely and arbitrarily but not messages like that.

It was only about the 4th message down so one he'd received that same day. I asked him about it a few days later. Not weeks or months.

I think he deleted it in panic because he thought I might have, but hoped I hadn't, seen it.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 18:19

Why on earth would he sit on his phone right next to you messaging and opening messages, with you looking at his phone and sit in plain sight with messages to or from another women op. He would have to be an utter fool to do that. Of course you are going to notice, you were sitting right next to him.

If he is messaging another woman then you need to know, and I assume end the relationship (I would) but you are a long way from a firm conclusion. If he is messaging other women I would expect him to be much more secretive than sitting there in plain sight.

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 18:26

Maybe he forgot it was there.

More plausible than forgetting it ever existed...

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 18:37

Well if he forgot you were there he needs dumping for being a completely and utter numbskull. What kind of man sits next to his dp and forgets she is even there and starts messaging other women! Confused That is either contempt, indifference or stupidity. Take your pick.

Gotmynewshoes · 07/06/2022 18:50

It's possible that you are you on the same wavelength as him@Swayingpalmtrees as I'm fairly confident that the OP was referencing the message being forgotten, and not herself.

Gotmynewshoes · 07/06/2022 18:55

But yes, SportyDress. The complete denial (not even suggesting that he could have deleted it without realising - just no it wasnt there), the not trying to find a plausible explanation aren't great signs. Especially as he knows your history and how upset this kind of thing is likely to make you. I hope he has done some digging and when you talk he has something to offer you.

Original poster
SpottyDress · 07/06/2022 18:58

Swayingpalmtrees · 07/06/2022 18:37

Well if he forgot you were there he needs dumping for being a completely and utter numbskull. What kind of man sits next to his dp and forgets she is even there and starts messaging other women! Confused That is either contempt, indifference or stupidity. Take your pick.

He wasn't messaging her in front of me. It was just on the screen.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 07/06/2022 19:34

Yes, there are plenty of plausible innocent reasons but I wasn't given any of those. It was deleted and then denied.

^ write this in capitals on a post it note by your front door, fridge, kettle. Many people are falling over themselves with excuses for him because of how happy you were. WERE.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/06/2022 19:45

Yes, spam messages get deleted routinely and arbitrarily but not messages like that.

But you don't know it was a "message like that".
In an update, you refereced your memory, & seem to think yours is normal. From how you described yours - no! you have an extraordinarily good memory. Most other people don't remember the volume of detail you do.

He could have thought/known it was spam, & deleted it, then forgotten - because spam is ephemeral to most of us with normal memory skills.

cushio · 07/06/2022 19:56

OP has said he replied 'beautiful' to the message so unlikely to be spam

Clementine183 · 07/06/2022 20:56

OP said in one of her earlier messages that she couldn't see if the "Beautiful" had been sent or received because of the position his hand was in, so not sure where the certainty that it was a comment he made has come from now... OP I wonder if you are kind of reconfiguring it now in your head because you think a certain explanation is more possible. I don't think you're going to get much further with it without talking to him and just trying to get a gut feeling for whether or not he is lying.

MadeForThis · 07/06/2022 21:04

Can you remember if there were ticks beside the beautiful message?
If there were ticks he sent it.
If there were none it was sent to him.