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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is so untidy what can I do

283 replies

DadofDD · 31/05/2022 21:12

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

OP posts:
Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:25

Excluding loads stuff…It’s kinda all her things.
i boarded the loft for extra storage but I think this made it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:26

2 days!😬

OP posts:
Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:27

I’m not trying to shame ..I just really want another opinion.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 01/06/2022 08:28

Op, take down the photos as some identifying information.

I couldn't live with that mess but it doesn't look like it's one person's mess. It seems very poor organisation in the kitchen but also not a lot of space in there. Does your wife like the house?

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:28

I never even considered adhd….that is something that has come out of this post…come there’s no need to be like that.

OP posts:
DotDotaDash · 01/06/2022 08:29

Practical suggestions. Do you have too much stuff?

  1. Go through Dd shoes and Coats and charity shop anything too small
  2. Take a whole set of crockery completely out of circulation. Ditto tea towel, towel and bedding cupboards. Get rid of the extra.
  3. Go thought your own shoes and coats and get rid of anything you don’t need.
  4. No one needs clutter to dust - get rid of nick nacks.
  5. Routine agree with SO that the kitchen surfaces are clean and the dishwasher on before bed every day.
I can see why you are wound up but it’s not an industrial scale problem from those house pics.
ForestFae · 01/06/2022 08:31

If she has adhd, trust me it is really hard to organise things. I struggled for ages, and sometimes still do, I mostly found my own ways to manage but it was much harder for me than it seems to be for non adhd people. If you think she could have it, understand she’s probably trying her best.

Whippet · 01/06/2022 08:31

DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:25

Excluding loads stuff…It’s kinda all her things.
i boarded the loft for extra storage but I think this made it worse.

But nothing in the photos looks like ‘her’ stuff - it looks like family stuff that builds up in the course of daily life.

BlackForestCake · 01/06/2022 08:32

Getting a cleaner is not really an answer to mess. You can’t clean a cluttered house. On the other hand, cleaning a tidy house is easy so you don’t need a cleaner. Your problem is clutter, not cleaning.

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:33

She had friends over but didn’t empty the dishwasher 1st so it’s been sat there for 2 days….it’s hard to empty the dishwasher as the cupboards are so full…She would be so angry if I even got rid of a single mug..I’m honestly desperate about it because I feel so I’m happy in my own home…do I have a problem?

OP posts:
toastedbagiel · 01/06/2022 08:34

DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:23

To be honest things have got so bad that I cook,wash my own clothes, my daughters sometimes…I mostly clean the house as and when I can….it’s all a bit gross because I work so many hrs in the summer.

It got so bad you had to do something?

Oh dear. I hope your penis didn't fall off Hmm

Stravaig · 01/06/2022 08:36

ps. OP - there's no definitive truth here, no right or wrong, just very incompatible styles sharing a home. Me, I'd hate to live in those photos, but I'm very uncomfortable having lots of stuff, I always have been, I find 'things' heavy, somehow - but I know that I'm an oddity from the norm. Your way isn't right, or best, it's your preference, and it's just as unnatural and uncomfortable for your wife as hers is for you. You need a compromise and a plan to get there. (& less stuff! - but that's just me).

ForestFae · 01/06/2022 08:36

DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:33

She had friends over but didn’t empty the dishwasher 1st so it’s been sat there for 2 days….it’s hard to empty the dishwasher as the cupboards are so full…She would be so angry if I even got rid of a single mug..I’m honestly desperate about it because I feel so I’m happy in my own home…do I have a problem?

If she won’t throw stuff out, that is a problem. I find the mantra “my children deserve a tidy home” helps me when deciding if I really need to keep something or not. Do I really need to keep toys they don’t use, extra mugs, clothes they’ve grown out of? What’s more important, that or a comfortable home? That’s how I do it

MrsMiddleMother · 01/06/2022 08:36

You both need to declutter together and sort out the jobs between you. There's no reason you can't quickly tidy up the shoes/coats, equally no reason she shouldn't etc. But first you need a place for everything.

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:37

Completely agree but how can I approach that . Everytime we talk about it ends up in an argument because she thinks I’m telling her to get rid of her possessions..I’ve tried many approaches but have failed miserably

OP posts:
pigwood · 01/06/2022 08:38

No you don't - there's nothing wrong with wanting a tidy house . Even if it's adhd there is no need for it . I'm and adult woman with adhd and I got our home into the mess you describe , but it was really getting me down so I hired a skip and got rid of absolutely loads of our junk and donated the nice stuff and
It has been like a weight has been lifted . Dot and watch some of the 'clearing out' shows like 'sort your life out' and see how she reacts. Maybe it will inspire her . Wish you the best of luck with all of it OP

SecondRow · 01/06/2022 08:39

Where should all the kitchen stuff be? Is there room in the cupboards? What's the system for recycling etc?

As for the children's shoes etc, take them back to the spot every time they come into the house and get them to put the shoes on the rack, PE bag in the basket or whatever. No TV/snacks/whatever they want to do next until that's sorted. They may learn, or you may have to continue this until they're 18 :) That's family life.

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:39

I wish my wife thought like this…but u just can’t change people…this is exactly my mindset..

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 01/06/2022 08:39

Inklingpot · 31/05/2022 22:24

Slightly OT, but why does everyone say ‘gotten’ now?

Because it's a legitimate word

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/06/2022 08:40

No.
But, people have different standards.
I like my home to be a show home, lines in my carpet, cushions on the sofas not crunched, etc. However, I don't live alone so I have to let it go. DP has a dog, this dog molts so much I vac the lounge carpet 3 times a day. The dog fills the vac over the course of 2 days. Occasionally it pisses me off, the kids leave cereal and crumbs on the table and worktop. This pisses me off.
What can you do, I can teach the kids, to be tidier, but I cannot do anything about the dog.

So I accept this is the way things are If I live with others.

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:40

I would love to get a skip…but I think it would cause so much upset

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2022 08:40

DadofDD · 01/06/2022 08:23

To be honest things have got so bad that I cook,wash my own clothes, my daughters sometimes…I mostly clean the house as and when I can….it’s all a bit gross because I work so many hrs in the summer.

So your wife isn't keeping in top of stuff so you'll put yourself to OCCASIONALLY do your kids laundry.

It sounds like she has an issue with hoarding. I don't know what the answer to that is as I'm sure just emptying the house of stuff isn't the solution. But if you can recognise the hoarding as an issue she has rather than as a behaviour based on laziness it might help

Sherrystrull · 01/06/2022 08:41

Op, do you meant that she works two days?

zafferana · 01/06/2022 08:42

I live with three untidy males OP and the way I deal with this is I say 'Either you tidy this stuff up or I will go through it and get rid of what I think we no longer need', and they know I mean it. I regularly de-clutter the house and take bags and boxes of stuff to the charity shop/tip. So if you're the neat freak living with someone who doesn't see clutter, I suggest you do the same.

TBH, the bedroom photo doesn't look bad, but I couldn't live with kitchen counter tops piled high with crockery. Why isn't it in the cupboards? And if there isn't space in the cupboards you need to have a good clear out or put up some more cupboards! Own it OP. If you married someone who is naturally untidy you're never going to change her.

DotDotaDash · 01/06/2022 08:42

I do feel like you and I are living parallel lives actually and the above suggestions have helped me.

Dh is absolutely like you describe your wife.

I have had to frame this as Can’t not Won’t otherwise we would fall out. I use most of my patience resources in this daily.

One thing we do do well together is a good preparatory clean before visitors and DH is a very good cleaner when there is space to do it and a focus and I tidy and that is my opportunity to cull old post, envelopes piles of pens, receipts, little
piles of coins, favourite stones from the beach 🙈 all of which he thought he’d need later/treasure forever but never mentions again.