My wife is so untidy what can I do

[DadofDD]

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

Thankyou for all the reply’s to this post…even the nasty ones…I use mums net because I really appreciate the varied views.

There's a sense of defeat rolling off your posts, OP.

If DW has checked out of decluttering and cleaning altogether I'd just do it myself, and weather the storm of anger and upset you know will follow. She is very effectively controlling you and the state of the family home. It's not okay, she has to engage somehow, with you on a plan to care for your home, or with working out what's going on with her mental health. It's horrible for your daughter to grow up like this.

i think got right prob wasn’t a good move for many reasons🙄🤷‍♂️

I put the pics up because I wanted to see if I was making a big deal out of nothing…my wife doesn’t clean the toilet…I do

Really why?

So If I cook I also load dishwasher if she cooks it goes on the side for a couple days

Meantime, mutter, grumble, curse to myself, about this and so many other threads -

Wtf are people doing as they get to know each other and/or during the formal engagement period, which is when you're supposed to sort out basic stuff like this. Are we compatible to live together? Do we each do our share? Are they a functioning adult? Am I? Do they treat me, family, pets and home with care and respect? And so on.

Perhaps prospective partners/parents should complete a checklist and submit to a thread-grilling then see if Mumsnet grants collective approval.

One of my friends struggles with cleaning and keeping on top of everything. She follows the Organised Mum Method. Google it. It might be something you could follow as a family.

Ok point taken

And in those few days are you then leaving 'her' stuff and washing the next days, and the next days, and the next days? Or is it all piling up?
It sounds like both of you have given up, or are in a death spiral of being on strike.
You clean the toilets. Your wife doesn't. You find the toilets to be embarrassingly dirty. Yet it is literally you who cleans them?
Try a cleaning app for a month. See how you get on.
For de-cluttering, I would tread more carefully. Why is your wife unhappy? What would she say if you asked her?

my wife doesn’t clean the toilet…I do

So if you clean the toilet why are you complaining about it being revolting?
Clean it better.

Hmm…I guess it’s more of I leave it clean…..I go to use again and it’s not clean.

What else would happen?

Wouldn’t you like use the brush or put a bit of bleach round….if u went for 💩…is this ocd?😬

So don't discuss it in front of your kid. Does she not go to bed?

I try to leave it until I can’t bear it then I usually kick off or just do it for her….because I can’t be bothered to argue any more.

If you're cleaning the toilet and it's then disgusting the next time you come to use it, are you suggesting she's deliberately pees over it etc, or that she has constantly loose stools? Because if you're all using it properly it shouldn't get disgusting that quickly

If you're cleaning the toilet and it's then disgusting the next time you come to use it, are you suggesting she's deliberately pees over it etc, or that she has constantly loose stools?
Because if you're all using it properly it shouldn't get disgusting that quickly

You really need to link your replies to the posts you're replying to.

Are you talking about the loo?

Something will accidentally trigger it, something taken the wrong way my tone, my look…she goes nuclear angry…I walk away and she’s following round the house shouting at me whilst our daughter is in the house….I think she has mental health problems that are undiagnosed…the next day she is fine.

That's a bigger problem than the cleaning/clutter.
Why do you stay?

I really would gently explore neurodivergence with her. Struggling to maintain the house plus big uncontrollable emotions that dissipate quickly sounds very much like autism or ADHD.

I am currently completely overwhelmed - my house is so messy it's now impossible for me to get it back in order by myself. I've tried getting cleaners in but they take one look and walk away. It's incredibly stressful to live in mess. I suspect even if she isn't ND, she is also stressed, unhappy and overwhelmed.

If you come across as judging her when you speak to her then that will escalate her feelings of overwhelm. Approach this as a couple trying to problem solved together. Not as someone self righteously blaming the other for their inadequacies.

Some of us struggle with this. It doesn't make us bad people. We have masses of talents in other areas.

I would if I needed to (though a healthy person shouldn't need to very often!). But no, if it was reasonably clean and someone else takes responsibility for the cleaning, I wouldn't automatically chuck bleach down. It's not good for the environment.

And the daughter isn't going to be doing that either, is she?
I just can't imagine how bad a toilet can possibly get if it's being cleaned daily, even if it is 'used but not cleaned' in between cleans. Hard to say if thats ocd or actually you are just not good at cleaning, op

So she takes the entire summer off and you work extra hours to facilitate this? Is that correct?
Regardless of any armchair diagnosis made by mumsnetters (lazy women do exist!) No way should you be working extra whilst she is off (because she enjoys it) then coming home to bleach dirty toilets! Imagine if a woman was out at work and coming home to this......he would rightly be called a Cocklodger!!!
If I where you OP I would be keeping things as clean as possible for yourself and your daughter whilst planning my exit.

Ok I have been sugar coating this because it’s 🤢…I’m saying she leaves poo marks in the toilet after I have left it clean…i would never go for a poo and leave it like this…would u?