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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is so untidy what can I do

283 replies

DadofDD · 31/05/2022 21:12

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

OP posts:
Original poster
DadofDD · 02/06/2022 20:23

She has the summer off to suit childcare, and because she likes spend time with dd …my job involves me working really long hrs in the summer…she contributes but I pay very approx 75% of the bills…(usually have to help out with an overdraft) the house is a real mess after the summer…i blitz it in the winter because I can’t bear it. I do our childcare over the other holidays, whilst doing another job from home…if she allows it but doesn’t like me spending time with dd on my own…it’s so messed up!

OP posts:
Original poster
DadofDD · 02/06/2022 21:03

good point but I think for most life is not as simple as that…

OP posts:
GlamorousHeifer · 03/06/2022 07:33

Seriously OP, wake up. She's taking the piss! There is no way over summer that she doesn't have time to give the house a once over.
Many of us manage it whilst working full time and caring for children.
A lit of single mums on her with full responsibility for child care live in cleaner homes than yours...

GlamorousHeifer · 03/06/2022 07:33

*lot and here

NoSquirrels · 03/06/2022 08:10

if she allows it but doesn’t like me spending time with dd on my own…it’s so messed up!

If this is true, then you have much bigger problems than a messy house. Are you both in a good relationship? Or would you be better co-parenting from different houses?

Mamma22e · 10/06/2022 23:05

Shame on you! Perhaps you should help out instead of criticising her!

TomPinch · 11/06/2022 02:25

Pinkbonbon · 01/06/2022 09:56

I saw a really good talking technique that a therapist taught to a couple on a TV programme about a lady with a shopping addiction that night work for you op.

Example convo (how therapist wanted it to be laid out)

Man: is now a good time for us to sit down and have a talk?
Woman: yes
Man: I've been feeling we need to look together at our household outgoings and come to some agreement on budgets and work together to save money in all those areas.
Woman (asked to repeat back what he said - not an emotional interpretation - but what he said)
I hear you say that you want to work together to come up with a budget for thr household that will allow us to save money.
Woman: I feel I need you to work less so that I don't feel lonely when you are always away and fall back to shopping habits as comfort.
Man: I hear you say you would like me to look at reducing my hours or adjusting them so that we have more time off together so that you don't feel lonely so much.

Point being to stick directly to repeating back to them what they have said. Showing they've veen heard and not getting emotional about it. Just taking turns to listen and also, put your needs across.

No no no! This technique is worse than useless with people who, like the OP's DW aren't able or willing to put their emotions aside. The other person just gets used as a dartboard. Trust me, I speak from experience. Do. No. Try. This.

TomPinch · 11/06/2022 03:58

OP, I'm afraid you're doing quite few of the right things already. Ignore the detractors on this thread. There will always be some on this board that want to put the boot in.

My suggestions.

  1. Do a reasonable amount yourself regardless of how little she's doing.
  2. Don't do everything.
  3. Prioritise (e.g., the kitchen so no one gets poisoned).
  4. Take note of what your DW does care about being done. Never do those things- she will, so save your energy for something else. You may also realise that she's doing more than you think.
  5. Clutter. Move it to a designated space. Don't get into argument about it. Just move it. Or you can get rid of things. Identity the things and say they're going out in 3 weeks if they're not put away and if they're not put away get rid. Minor things: just get rid without mentioning them.
  6. Never argue, never be provoked, it's always a choice to argue: it always takes two. Just be clear about what you're doing / will do.
  7. Accept that you'll have to do more than her.
  8. Ignore the skiddy toilet bowl. At most crack some jokes about it.

All the above assumes that she's in denial. Contrary to what others say, it might not always be like this. If she does realise she's a massive mess maker remember that's a pretty hard thing to admit so be kind and don't make a big deal of it.

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