My wife is so untidy what can I do

[DadofDD]

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

This thread is a tabloid journalists dream

First 2 pictures are communal areas so that’s both your responsibilities. The last photo is just her stuff and it’s fine

The kitchen is a mess but that doesn't look like it can all come from one person unless you've been deliberately cleaning only your own dishes for the last couple of days to make a point. Is any of it yours?

My DH is also incapable of completely closing drawers.

From your photos it looks like a clutter/too much stuff/borderline hoarder material. If it's the latter maybe she should see a counsellor. I don't understand hoarding myself, so can't help, but it's a recognised mental health issue.
I appreciate you say she's great in every other way but this is your home too, it's where you live, it's your sanctuary and if you can't enjoy it or feel relaxed there then it really is a major issue.

Out of interest, do you think all of the clutter in the photos looks like it belongs to the OP's wife?

Get the kids putting their trainers in the box.

If you think photo 3 shows a problem I'd say your standards are way to high, therefore your responsibility to maintain. Photo 2, meh. The kitchen do you do your share there? Ours sometimes gets like that, because STBXH never steps up no matter how sick I am.

I was going to say sounds like ADHD.

Um, so tidy before you cook, and you know, empty the dishwasher.
Yes, I think you are going over the top now I have seen the photos.
If you wanted the kitchen surfaces to be clear it would take you very little time to do.

Photo two and three look fine, there’s just some shoes that need to be put on the rack. As for the kitchen, can you get a dishwasher? I find washing plates really overwhelming too sometimes.

I could not live with a kitchen in that state. It would literally hurt my head so I understand your frustration.

HOWEVER it's your home too, everything in those pictures looks like communal items or children's belongings. Therefore you are equally responsible for the mess building up because you use the dishes and you made the children.

More importantly if I found out that my husband had gone as far as posting pictures of our home on a public forum, criticising me for the mess of it, I'd be beyond furious and lose trust in him - the damage that does to a relationship can be fatal eventually.

Get those dishes sorted, research better storage solutions, stop shaming your wife on the internet and pray she never finds out about this thread.

Yep, I would be asking MN to delete the thread if I were you.

I think we should stop with the hoarder/ ADHD / counsellor suggestions as this is clearly what the OP wants to hear - some kind of stick to beat his wife with.
My experience of hoarders is that they hoard useless stuff and often let things get dirty/unhygienic as a result.
I can see lots of evidence that your wife (presumably) is trying to store/organise things but has just run out of space for all the family day-to-day crap (not HER crap).

OP - do you ever look after your daughter on your own for a day? With kids it sometimes isn’t possible to be perfectly tidying up as you go along, especially if you’re focusing on your child?
Why not try to become part of the solution, rather than the problem?

• is there space for more storage in the kitchen? Even a couple of small shelves to the left of the window would free up some counter space


• who puts your daughter to bed? What does the other partner do in that time? We always had it that whoever was free from the bedtime routine tidied the kitchen, did the dishwasher etc

This would drive me mad too tbf but you can’t change people all that much. Could you focus in on just one or two things and suggest you tackle them together?

You haven't answered the questions about how much tidying you do and both of your work patterns.

I'd be so angry with my husband if he posted photos of my kitchen on Mumsnet. I think you're trying to shame her. What would she do if she saw this thread?

A Slob Comes Clean is MUCH more useful than Marie Kondo or those for people who are an actual mess or/and ADHD(-adjacent).

Hopefully LTB!

Crikey. In your brain are the kids things all the responsibility of your wife?

I’ve read your entire thread OP and I appreciate that you’re trying to give everyone an idea but you should ask to have the pictures removed IMO.
Having said that, I’d be pretty livid if I walked into my kitchen and it ever looked like that. The other two pictures wouldn’t bother me, but kitchens and bathrooms need to be clean and uncluttered for me, it’s a hygiene thing.
I agree with posters who say about ADHD. I do not think you have OCD to not want your kitchen to look like that.
It’s interesting that when a man comes on mumsnet asking for advice he’s over the top and not pulling his weight … although the reason you’re writing is because your wife isn’t pulling hers. There ARE women who don’t. I have a friend whose wife is like yours and my male friend has actually become depressed over it and had to go on medication. It’s so exhausting for him to work full time (she works part time) and still have to collect the kids from school and come home to mess like the one in your kitchen. I believe him when he says he does his fair share, because he tells me what he’s up to in his day and I’ve also seen pictures of what she’s left him with to go for coffee with a friend. These women DO exist.

Some posters wrote some wonderful suggestions about working to your strengths, certain things you’re in charge of and your wife has others. This is a great idea. You need to find a compromise or it will continue to get you down. Good luck OP

You haven’t given much information about how the division of labour is in your household. Who works? Do you? Does she? How many children and who does most of the childcare? Any issues with health for anyone - mental or physical?

The kitchen does look really overcrowded to me. The second two pictures just look like the clutter of a busy house with lots going on.

My ex thinks this way too!
That kitchen photo, unless she hoards her personal dishes while you wash yours and the kids do their own, is a joint problem. Possibly one of lack of space! There isn't much room on that counter for anything so it quickly looks cluttered
Do you wash all the kids stuff? How on earth did your wife use so many plates all by herself? Is this a student flat relationship where you each only wash your own items??

Those look like family dishes and children's shoes, so how is that not your responsibility to help clear up? Are you expecting your wife to do everything for the children? Older kids should be doing the washing up.

If there are no underlying issues, just vastly different tolerance for mess, can you agree a compromise plan as good parents? Children mimic what they see around them, so yours are learning to be messy and disorganised.

To me, that is a lot of clutter, though not unusual - so I sympathise. Can you sift and sort and declutter everything so there are far fewer things to make a mess with? Be ruthless. If you only have enough dishes for one family meal, you have to wash up before you can eat again. Don't keep clothes/toys that are outgrown or never worn/played with. Etc.

Op, how much do you both work?