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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is so untidy what can I do

283 replies

DadofDD · 31/05/2022 21:12

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

OP posts:
pigwood · 31/05/2022 22:59

It's sounds like first of all you need to hire a skip, have the biggest declutter of your lives , and start again. Life is so much easier with less stuff . You feel like you are sinking when you are surrounded by mess so I do sympathise with OP . My husband is like your wife and I love him to bits but just accept that I have to clean up after him, or live in the mess . It's hard

RoseslnTheHospital · 31/05/2022 23:00

I don't have a female perspective, I have my individual perspective. If this untidiness is the only bone of contention you have in your relationship then I'm unsure why it's causing such distress to you.

You can take some practical steps to sort out the specific issues you've identified. You can lead the decluttering of surfaces and tackle on section at a time each weekend. Have a simple system for filing new paperwork - the easiest is to have a file box with a section for each month and just file paperwork in the current month section as it arrives. Then recycle or shred everything you're not going to keep.

Regarding crumbs on counters... just clear it up yourself at the end of each day if she hasn't done so.

Nouveaunew · 31/05/2022 23:03

Great suggestions from lots of people @DadofDD

momznetadmin · 31/05/2022 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedSoloCup · 31/05/2022 23:12

I'm really tidy but do think you need a system, like a letter rack for post that needs dealing with, post that doesn't gets recycled or filed (a pile gets put in the cupboard and is actually filed infrequently.

A place for everything, can you help her with this, storage etc?

Oystercatchers · 31/05/2022 23:15

As a PP says, I don't have a female perspective, I just have my perspective. You've told us that you argue about this - but what happens when you argue? What do you say; what does she say? Does she agree with you about what should happen in terms of tidying, or are you on different pages?

Oystercatchers · 31/05/2022 23:19

Oh, and ... there's one thing with your post that slightly niggles at me. You say very clearly how you feel and mention feeling 'serious resentment'.

Then, when it comes to her, you say She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument.

I slightly wonder if you're applying different standards to her than you'd apply to yourself?

Wor · 31/05/2022 23:33

So, tidy up.

I’ve wiped the worktop down 4 times today. It’s dirty again right now because all of the work I do throughout the day is instantly deleted by my child (and husband). I put toys away, child scatters new toys. I do laundry, child and husband create more, so I do more, then cat vomits on it so I do it again. Then a kid spills juice on it and I don’t have time to do it again because I’m teaching the fricking alphabet and actually spend time with my child to do emotional coaching etc. When was the last time you taught your child a new skill, exercised with them, or coached them through a tricky emotional situation? I bet you have zero idea what your wife does all day.

Either your wife is lying around all day lazing OR she is finding it soul destroying to constantly teach exercise socialise and nurture the children while also shopping for food cooking cleaning and tidying only to have all her work undone by others who then have the cheek to moan at her.

That’s your ‘female perspective’.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 31/05/2022 23:34

A cleaner is no good in these circumstances. This borders on hoarding territory and is really hard to live with in my experience. You could clean the kitchen top to bottom and 2 mins later the kitchen is a mess, ,it's soul destroying.

PermanentlyTired03 · 31/05/2022 23:38

For the paper clutter- get a storage box and put it all in. My husband has a habit of leaving a paper trail throughout the house and I pile it all in there. Takes 2 mins and then I direct him to it when he's looking for paperwork.
Saves me exploding (I'm not super tidy but letters everywhere annoys me- totally irrational!) and he knows where his paper is and sorts it out once in a blue moon.

Carrotten · 31/05/2022 23:41

My ex was like this and honestly it was soul destroying. An organisation system is no good if someone does not follow it. If I create a system and they pile shit in in drawers why is it my responsibility to reorganise the drawers? It's no use having a place for letters if they just dump them on the dining table

You clean the kitchen, 2 minutes later crumbs and likely they won't get cleaned.

The only solutions here involve the OP taking responsibility for the wife's mess, but I think that builds resentment. I'm not sure what the solution is as mine was essentially that we were incompatible and I wasn't prepared to constantly tidy up for an adult my whole life

mumda · 31/05/2022 23:49

Cynical mode on. Either a reserve or a journo looking for a 'crumbs ruined my marriage' story.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2022 00:39

RoseslnTheHospital · 31/05/2022 23:00

I don't have a female perspective, I have my individual perspective. If this untidiness is the only bone of contention you have in your relationship then I'm unsure why it's causing such distress to you.

You can take some practical steps to sort out the specific issues you've identified. You can lead the decluttering of surfaces and tackle on section at a time each weekend. Have a simple system for filing new paperwork - the easiest is to have a file box with a section for each month and just file paperwork in the current month section as it arrives. Then recycle or shred everything you're not going to keep.

Regarding crumbs on counters... just clear it up yourself at the end of each day if she hasn't done so.

Maybe he doesn't see why he has to be constantly clearing up after another adult?

SpudsIluv · 01/06/2022 05:44

If the 16 year old does tell the staff at the hospital about his troublesome home life they will be duty bound to report the issues to the safeguarding team, they will report to social services and police if necessary. Even as an adult nurse I do regular safeguarding vulnerable children training, there are policies in place. X

SpudsIluv · 01/06/2022 05:46

Wrong thread! 🙄

Original poster
DadofDD · 01/06/2022 06:36

wow Thankyou for so many reply’s I’m going to read through all these….I never thought of adhd her sister and dad are the same in the sense they go what I call nuclear angry which always feel is over the top and fall out with people like other mums etc..

OP posts:
Whippet · 01/06/2022 06:36

I see the OP hasn’t been back to explain exactly what the ‘clutter’ is (is it shared house/child admin for example?) and what he has actually ever done to try to help the situation other than constantly ‘telling’ his wife?
Hmm…

DadofDD · 01/06/2022 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Far too identifying

Whippet · 01/06/2022 06:50

Sorry, but you sound like an entitled knob!
”I don’t mean to shame my wife, but here are some very personal family photos which could end up on the front page of the Mirror.
Looks like your family has a space problem - no space to put things away - not a clutter problem.
Nothing wrong with photos 2&3 imho - looks like a typical busy family home.

MagicTurtle · 01/06/2022 06:56

What’s wrong with picture 3?

I agree with posters suggesting a division of labour. If you’re better at tidying up and laundry you do that, and she does the shopping and cooking.

loislovesstewie · 01/06/2022 06:58

No, it's a clutter problem. No matter how much space a hoarder has, there will never be enough. I lived with one for 45 years, and that is definitely the case.

Whippet · 01/06/2022 06:59

Stuff to the left of the sink looks like it might be glass & plastic recycling - do you ever take that out to the recycling bin? How is that not yours? Do you not eat/drink?

A couple of pairs of your daughter’s shoes are on the floor. That’s no more your wife’s clutter than it is yours. Have you ever shown/taught your daughter to put her things away?

Antarcticant · 01/06/2022 07:01

I agree with pp - the first thing that leaps to mind seeing those photos (the first two, anyway) is a lack of storage and/or too much 'stuff'.

You haven't answered people's questions about how the housework is divided between you, what your respective working routines are like etc. so it's difficult to offer constructive advice.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 01/06/2022 07:03

OP, you have crossed a line in posting photos - I would be furious if I was your wife.

I agree with @Whippet that the second and third pictures don't look like a big deal at all. Yeah, there are a couple of shoes and a bag strewn around in one of them, but these look like they belong to a kid rather than your wife, so it isn't her mess either? When you say it isn't yours, are you assuming that she is solely responsible for clearing up after the kids?

Re the kitchen - yes, there are lots of dishes piling up that obviously need to be put into the not-unloaded dishwasher, but are they really all hers? Where are the plates that you and your children have eaten off - did you wash them by hand and just leave hers for her to sort out? Or is this actually family mess that you think is her job to sort out.

If you don't feel happy cooking, does that mean that she does it all instead? Is there a reason why you can't tidy up or empty the dishwasher?

hoomaeyya · 01/06/2022 07:05

I hope you're wife isn't on Mumsnet and sees those pictures 😂😂.

I was worried you were my husband writing in when I started to read your first post, but thankfully not.

Unless you help out with the cleaning and the de cluttering then I don't think you have a leg to stand on. My partner will whinge that there is stuff all over the shelves and yet he is the one who puts everything on the shelves. He will moan that there is no space in the kitchen but has he ever attempted to do the dishwasher..no.

Yet this is also a man who leaves skid marks in the toilet every single day without fail, hasn't picked up a Hoover in his life, hasn't changed the beds since I've been with him (9 years).

If you are not pulling your weight in this area either then I would just keep your thoughts to yourself and possibly delete the pictures 😂