My wife is so untidy what can I do

[DadofDD]

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

@DadofDD

Why do you wash your own clothes but only occasionally also wash your daughters?

Why not just do your daughters too?

@DadofDD

Why do you wash your own clothes but only occasionally also wash your daughters?

Why not just do your daughters too?

How much does your wife work?

I do some…my wife felt I was taking over…she also organises all school uniform whe I do school drop

2-3 days a week….she takes all the summer holidays off for childcare and because she loves spending time with our daughter…I work really long hrs in the summer.

I dont feel we really clean..just tidy and some clean enough to get by…toilets are gross…cooker also I just can’t do everything or work out how to keep on top of it.

I mean I’m not that bothered about the cooker but the toilet are gross…I just bleach them when I get a spare min…I feel embarrassed when people come over.

Is your daughter at school? Does your wife have two days a week of school days to herself or does she have caring responsibilities or anything else to fill her time?

That would be great thanks. I think there is something there because so many people have suggested adhd.

1st I need to understand adhd and the suggest my wife might have….I can’t see how u can do that without her getting really angry

…btw my wife is what I would call naturally academic, she was a grade A student, never finish uni, repeated final year 3 times I think…due to health, worried she wouldn’t get a 1st, she now goes an admin job as she does not like pressure.

also very nervous traveller, will start packing a week before holiday,

does any of this fit with ADHD?

Classic ADHD. I struggle under pressure too, despite being classed as “gifted”

If you lived on your own you'd have to clean the toilets and the cooker and everything else. Ideally you and you wife should share everything, according to working hours/childcare responsibilities. But, for the sake of your DD, you need to maintain a basic standard of cleanliness tidiness if your wife won't/can't do her share.

If you're overwhelmed by the amount that needs doing, start small and build up. Even doing 10 minutes each day will start to make a difference over time. There are apps/methods you can use to help organise you.

Yer she does come from a very cluttered house….I just find it so hard…it feels like I’m giving in so much and it’s making me feel unhappy and depressed in my home…I dont want her to tidy up after me or our daughter just after herself..and I guess de clutter…..she only really makes an effort when we have had a massive argument about it…am I being unreasonable?

The toilets are literally a 2 min job. Throw some bleach in before everyone heads out or late at night where everyone is in bed... brush several hours later. You haven't said anything that suggests you pull your weight at home.

If I order a skip she would go into orbit!…how to you accept it…I love our home but I feel she is ruining it.

There's just such a sense of abdication to your posts. You find the toilets disgusting but only throw bleach down them when you have a spare minute? Why not just clean them properly every day? It could take maybe one minute, two or three if you want to be thorough. Perhaps if you set yourself up a rota for your cleaning tasks it would help you stay on top of things? Some people recommend using those checklists you can find online ... daily weekly monthly tasks.

Her mindset is so different to this…I don’t want to change her…just compromise…but it’s soo hard…I don’t think I no how to approach this without more arguments.

why would you argue? Get toilet brush. Clean toilet. No need for any discussion there at all.

Wake up, empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, turn it on.
Put washing in machine, turn it on.

I do this every day as a routine. It's hardly difficult. It doesn't need a discussion or an argument. Just crack on and do it.

2/3 of it is yours and your daughter's, so the majority. May as well do your wife's share rather than just leave it - and how that would work for a toilet I just don't know!

Maybe…when I approach the subject she gets so upset…a really bad uncontrollable rage with tears and overwhelming emotions..in front of our 8yr old…I worry she’s going to do something really bad to herself….then the next day it’s gone and she’s my fantastic wife again….I hold resentment at the clutter as it’s as though she doesn’t care how it makes me feel…maybe I am a bit ocd 🙄

For right now, stop trying to change your wife. That's a task that's pretty much doomed to fail unless she's willing to work hard to change. What you can do is work on ways to manage your home to keep it reasonable for your DD.

You say the cupboards in the kitchen are too full to put dishwashing away. So pick one cupboard and put everything that you haven't used recently/ever into a storage box and temporarily store elsewhere (do you have a shed, spare room?). If she wouldn't agree to a skip would she agree to rehoming things? On Facebook there are often local freecycling/freebay type groups where you can pass on useable items. Maybe that would be more palatable than throwing things away?

Then repeat this for each cupboard etc in the kitchen until you are down to what you actually use regularly.

Look at some of the cleaning/sorting apps/websites for more ideas on how to get on top of everything.

The simple fact is that if you want your DD to see a tidy(ish) and clean house, then you're going to need to do it if your wife is letting you down.

But why are you approaching the subject of you putting bleach in a toilet and giving it a quick clean?
Not understanding why that needs any conversation at all. It's a standard adult cleaning task.

That’s how I feel but I love my wife and daughter…but it also makes me angry resentful and depressed….did you feel like this?…is it normal?

So i nag by daughter to put away but my wife less so…I do empty the drainer …so I leave it next time for her but she takes about week.

I’m sorry about the comment “female perspective” I now understand how this is offensive.