My wife is so untidy what can I do

[DadofDD]

would really welcome a female perspective on this, my wife is so untidy. She leaves clutter everywhere. I wipe the worktop down come back it’s got crumbs on it. Every surface in the house has stuff pilled up on it, cupboards brimmed with papers and stuff.
We have argued over this for many years our DD is 8 and each year it’s gotten worse. It causing me serious resentment towards her. She’s a very emotional person I tried to tell her how I feel and it was a whole night of upset tears argument….I love my wife and family so much, when we’re not arguing over we get on really well…but I feel this is really pulling us apart ..what on earth can I do.?

I feel for OPS wife.
I don't think everyone posting has read ALL his posts.

OP hasn't told us how much he usually does around the house (other than when it is REALLY BAD he might put a wash on ...) or what the division of labour is.

It sounds very much like he thinks his wife should be responsible for all the household running cooking/cleaning/putting away/ washing and doesn't take any himself. You could just as easily put the same photos up (I didn't see them) and say HE is the one with the problem...

Yes! Till he got to the part about having a child, LOL!

Apologies if I've missed out on anything as I haven't RTFT but I thought ADHD too – not just because of the mess but because of the reluctance to declutter, the over-emotional reactions and similarities in her dad and sister too. I have ADHD and did wince at your description because I know I have been a pain to live with in the past.

However, there's a fine line between what you tolerate because it's the person you love/because they have a condition and what you are comfortable putting up with in your own home. I know a lot of people on here might disagree with us labelling your wife but if she's open to exploring it as an option, things could change dramatically for all of you. That being said, if she refuses to accept any kind of change and instantly becomes combative whenever you try to raise the issue, it's time for a serious talk.

I was diagnosed almost accidentally and it was a complete revelation – as soon as I knew there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with me, the shame disappeared and I realised I could reach out for help. I hired an ADHD coach to help me develop routines/methods for cleaning different areas of my house (yes, it really was that bad) and it's helped hugely. I can provide their details if you'd like.

@weightedblanketofshame look at just his posts. He also doesn't take responsibility for it so it is equally his problem but he is trying to blame his wife. I don't think we should give him ammunition to further criticise his wife...

(Although I am currently battling my gp as seeking an adhd diagnosis and do struggle with household tasks..)

(How did you get accidently diagnosed!? I think it is going to take me ages!)

Hmm, fair point – I did read through all his posts before commenting but didn't realise he'd uploaded pictures too, that doesn't sit right with me.

When I say accidentally, I mean I was the reference for a sibling going through the diagnosis process and it was a lightbulb moment in realising I may have it too! It took me nearly a year which is "quick" by today's standards. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Yes, but the SPAG quickly gave it away, thankfully. And the fact I'm not married, come to think of it.

We always used gotten in Ireland

Please please please DM me with details of the coach. I am desperate.

I would like details too, please!

Or maybe those of us that recognise ourselves in posts are trying to help those who might not realise that there might be an explanation for their struggles?

@MartinReubyUnsungHero @Mumwantingtogetitright I have PM'd you both

@MartinReubyUnsungHero

Or maybe those of us that recognise ourselves in posts are trying to help those who might not realise that there might be an explanation for their struggles?

Either way, it's not 'hilarious'

Op our house is often a tip. I do the best I can but I am suffering from low/moderate mood/anxiety.
2 ND kids in house who leave their shit everywhere. A dh who does bare minimum.
I was away for the weekend and found my last dishwasher load left on side and not put away. The unused dips from the takeaway left.
When the place is bad it is even harder to find the motivation to do more.
What I am trying yo say is are you really doing your fair share OP? Could you spend some time together getting the house in order and than it becomes more manageable.

Household chores. Tidy, washing up etc should all be shared out between you and your partner fairly taking into account your jobs (hours, how tiring it is etc), how much childcare or pet care you both do etc.

sit down when your daughter is out or asleep and ask if you can talk about which jobs both of you need to do around the house. Say I know it’s hard to talk about, the problem is that the house is so messy and I want us both have a system for keeping it clean.

if you should be doing more then be honest with yourself about that. I saw your kitchen before the photo got taken down and it looked like both of you have let it pile up or it just wouldn’t be that bad.

This maybe of some help, op: hoardingdisordersuk.org/support/ If the topic of sorting, clearing and removing items provokes a very strong reaction it suggests you’ll both need some professional advice. You say you’d created more storage space in the loft which made the problem worse and it enabled her to store more things. It does sound like hoarding and/or adhd. If she’s emotionally attached to the clutter it could be she’ll allow you to put some things in boxes so you can reclaim part of the kitchen worktops? That could be an initial way forward?

LTB

BTW, I tried many of the suggestions made on here with my late DH. Nothing worked, he became distressed by the very suggestion that we/he could sort things, moving to a bigger house with more storage just meant that he hoarded more. I sorted my own belongings and found that gave him carte blanche to put even more stuff in the cleared spaces. He kept EVERYTHING! I realized long ago that as well as ASD, he also had ADHD due to his impulsive actions. I would go so far as to describe him as reckless. Unless the other party is willing to understand the gravity of the situation nothing will work, as far as I can see we just don't have the necessary facilities provided by the NHS to give people therapy, which is really what is required.

The cupboard doors and (in)visibility of belongings is interesting.

I hate fitted kitchens. In the current rental half the cupboard doors were broken, so I took them off so I have open cubbies. I use the ones on the walls, ignore the lower ones (which get dirty without the doors 🤣) and store extra things in wooden wine boxes or clear plastic crates instead.

I hate wardrobes too, even freestanding ones. Clothes are in an old wooden apothecary cupboard which has glass panels on the doors so I can see the piles of folded clothes arranged on the shelves.

Generally I like open shelves or glass-fronted cupboards and drawers so I can see what I own, and I get uncomfortable if there's too much of it. I'm beginning to think I've been instinctively finding workarounds my entire life ...

You know what I love about this thread??! Either the wife has Adhd or the husband is OCD?! Maybe, just maybe, the wife is untidy AF and hubby likes a tidy household. Simple. No diagnosis required no need to LTB just maybe read Marie Kondo or accept you're both v different in terms of how you like to live.

Gotten is common is Scotland, as are presses and kists (cupboards & chests).

I thought that too but was reading a book by Trollope and he uses it!

I wash just my own clothes, hers are pilled up in the wardrobe, cooking we try to split 50/50. If I cook I empty the dishwasher 1st wipe down afterwards clear the table and load the dishwasher…she just kind leaves the dishwasher and piles it up and sorts it when she gets round to it….Im not asking her to tidy up after me just tidy up after herself, and encourage my daughter to.…I might be a little ocd…but def not asking for a show home!

I just have bad English 🤷‍♂️

So the mess in the kitchen ... the recycling in the corner etc ... is all hers? The dishwasher was full of her dishes and then more of her dishes on the side, while your child washes her own and you do yours? She drops her own very tiny childlike shoes on the floor as in the second picture?