Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

This is why it takes a while and why honesty and openness is so vital.

I strongly believe that part of raising our children is helping them realise how important it is to find the right partner.

As a society we seem to just be stabbing in the dark and hoping for the best.

Minus kids is not like minus a balcony in the house.. it's a huge factor! The hugest! Having or not having children is the biggest contributor to happiness there could be.

How many boxes do you have really? Most people will agree on parenting style, diet, where to live, or not be too fussy.

You don't want to hear my boxes and yet they've all been ticked. You can do it too. Providing you're either below 30 or early thirties you have a few years to find this person. There are many men who want families.

Oh, and when you do have a daughter, please make this a priority for her. Don't let her fall for someone incompatible, make sure she knows to actively seek a life partner. Don't pretend to her that it's not important.

@Hidehiho fair enough, I know there's a difference between not wanting children and not being able to have them. But in this circumstance the result is the same, he can't/ won't give you children, so to me there's no real difference.

No I wouldn’t, and I say that as someone who broke off an engagement because he didn’t see children in his future.

It is really hard, I was devastated for a good six months as I thought I had done the wrong thing, it probably took me a good year to get over the relationship ending. I went on to have my son on my own, my ex is now a brilliant uncle to him, the only downside was at first I did have the odd pangs as he is fantastic with children, so seeing him be close to my son did hurt at first, it doesn’t anymore. While he is a brilliant uncle, due to his work etc he just wouldn’t have the time to be a good parent.

A few years on I did meet someone who wanted children and I also wanted another child, we’re
now married and we have a daughter.

@Simonjt ah, I’m glad you ended up with someone who wanted the same things. Now you have your husband and share a child together, has that made what you had with your ex pale in comparison? I ask that because right now I just can’t imagine being with someone else who I click with and love anymore than I do my partner but I say that whilst in the thick of our relationship. Is your ex now with someone else who is also child free?

I was in this position. Ultimately I decided that I could probably live with never having children if that’s how life worked out. I however also knew deep down that I would never be able to make peace with having my child-free future decided by someone else. That ultimately was what made me walk in the end. My destiny has to be in my hands and no one else’s.

@CornishMade1 I think that’s exactly where my head is at. I could live without them IF that’s the way life goes. Or if we tried and it didn’t happen. It’s the fact it could happen but won’t if I stay with my BF because that’s what he has decided. So it’s now in my hands to up sticks and leave which is going to be very hard but I know it’s what I need to do to be able to be at peace with myself. Did you go on to meet someone else?

To answer the question in your thread title, no; never in a million years.

I was lucky in that I met DH, who is close in age to me, when we were young and did not yet have children. i always wanted children and if he hadn't wanted them (or if he'd been older and already had children) I wouldn't have been interested in pursuing a serious relationship with him tbh. It's one of the things that comes up early in a testing-the-water kind of way.

How long have you been in a relationship? Do you live together?

I'm sorry but I don't understand how you'd get seriously involved with someone who doesn't want (more) kids if having kids is important to you. Especially as you are 36 you don't have time to waste I'm afraid. You need to end the relationship now, cut all contact and allow yourself to grieve before deciding what to do next. Maybe get a fertility check-up and consider freezing some eggs. Or just go ahead and do it alone (as long as you can afford it and will have supportive family or friends nearby).

It is incredibly hard and I do feel for you. I think if you know in your heart of hearts that you would want to have children one day, you have to walk away. My fear was always being 20 years down the line and having that regret - which I don’t think the other person could really live with either to be honest.

I was in 2 mins about whether to share what happened next in my case. I left him and moved on with my life, changed jobs, refocused my life onto positive things and then he came back. He asked for us to try again and I said it had to involve me having a chance to try for a child and he agreed. I fell pregnant about a year later and now have a DS. To his credit my partner has never again mentioned not having wanted more children (although I totally agree we won’t have anymore) and he’s a lovely dad to him. So it does work out sometimes. But you have to go with you gut and be prepared to walk if it doesn’t.

His children will always come first, so just with this knowledge alone, your needs will never be prioritised.

As per pp, you ought to get a fertility MOT done asap so that you have an indication of where your fertility is at, it may already be compromised unfortunately, you just don't know.

Naval gazing and ruminating is just waiting more precious time. He will always have his children regardless what happens to you and your relationship.

You could try and date again, but this is a gamble as meeting someone new and everything falling into place and then TTC conversation and the. actually TTC could all take a very long time or be aborted full stop by the other person. The problem with dating in this way is that there will always be a sense of urgency so the relationship will never progress naturally.

I have two teens. No way I'd start again. I'm looking forward to more freedom. He's been there. He doesn't want to go back. You just want totally different things for the next 20 years

No, the same really. Yes he is with someone else and remains child free.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you enough. He is a father already; he raised two kids and doesn't see that in his future anymore. Fair enough. He told you straight which is more than some poor women can tell (I know I lot of them in a relationship where they keep being told by the partners that they not ready blablabla when they clearly don't want a baby.) Now it's your turn to be honest: with him and with yourself. Do you want a baby/ babies? If you do, there is no reason to go on with this relationship. You will resent him even when you will try not to and you will always feel it was a sacrifice rather than a compromise. It's hard to move on but you need to be with someone who wants the same things. I got married, bought a house and have a beautiful nearly 5 months old baby girl and we only met in July 2020!!! Happiest I have ever been or imagined I could be and thank myself every day that I left my previous partner who didn't wanted the same.

Nope. No way would I stay with someone who didn't want kids if I did. Your step children will never be a substitution for your own so him having children already is irrelevant. If you want your own, leave is my advice.

@Hidehiho There's also no guarantee that if you break up that you'll meet someone else in your timescale, or whom would also want children or indeed that you'd ever have a live birth.

Is losing a good relationship worth this risk? Is being a mother more important to you than a good relationship? (genuine questions).

Have you considered having a child alone?

@Hidehiho
I think that you are being a little unreasonable here.
If you've spent 18 years raising children, with the associated costs - financial, time, opportunity etc and thought that your next 20 years were about meeting your needs with a partner, travelling, exploring different places /activities etc, then yes it's way more than who is carrying the baby and doing the lion's share of looking after the baby! It's an entirely different life!

I, like you, became an older Mother. I love it. But I'd done everything your oh now wants his life to be in my first 20 years of adulthood!

Your focus for life is a very different place. Expecting he'd just love you enough is an immature response. Noone should have a child when they don't want one, just because of an ultimatum in effect, that's not fair on the adult nor child to be forced into.

No way. Bearing in mind two out of three marriages end in divorce, id rather have the kid. My aunt didn't walk and he ran off to have the kid he never wanted with someone 10years her junior when she was 47. Break up, move on. There are millions of guys on this planet, get one who shares your goals.

Yes, definitely. I was one of the first people to hold both my nephews, I have days out with them, look after them after school/school holidays on a regular basis and I’m greeted as they run out of school “Auntie GreenOrang!!!” and are genuinely delighted to see me. Completely not a mother-replacement, but we have a genuine and founded relationship that both their parents are also keen to nurture.

As a step-parent it’s different, and whilst they are keen to see me, it’s only as a +1 to dad, so when he’s working away or takes
them to his parents for his weekends, I don’t get to see them and so we just don’t have that same relationship. I don’t think I’d have taken him on with teenagers tbh, I really do feel for you.

Would you be prepared, or are you even financially able to do it alone? Or have a look at some co-parenting websites where you specifically find someone to co-parent with as opposed to a romantic partner for you? How much do you want a child, and how much have you been sold an artificial idea of them, and isn’t the actual sleep-deprived endless drudgery reality? One my my close friends from school has just given birth and I’m equally very jealous and very glad so I just don’t know 😖

No I wouldn't.

Jesus, really? You'd ask someone to have a child when they clearly don't want one to satisfy your needs? That's fucked up.
OP, you know you aren't compatible so end it.

I honestly think you're just likely to end up resentful if you never have a child because your partner doesn't want one. Some people, a minority imo, may get over it and accept the relationship is more important than any hypothetical future child but I imagine most if the stayed would just end up resentful.

I know I would anyway. If resent him, I'd resent he already had kids and likely them eventually too. A nightmare.

Thank you to everyone who has messaged on this thread. Just an update for you all, after talking about this again this weekend, I have left to move back in with my parents for now. (I have a house but had rented it to move in with partner) We are both very upset but realise there’s no other option but to split up. I know for me this is the right decision but wow it’s been so much harder to leave than I thought.

So sorry Op but I'm sure you've made the right decision in the long run. Good luck.

I am so sorry. Its so unfortunate. You should grieve what's been lost and hopefully soon be able to begin feeling some excitement and happiness for your near future

@JacquelineCarlyle thank you. It’s so strange breaking up with someone you still love and when the relationship itself hasn’t broken down. I am hoping this is the right decision in the long run and my gut feeling says it is. At least now it’s in mine/mother nature’s hands if I go onto have a child. I am heartbroken though.

@AskingforaBaskin thank you. I do feel like I’m grieving right now. But hopefully as time passes it will get easier. Im going to take a few months out now and try to heal before even considering dating. But I do hope there is someone else out there for me.