Would you give up having kids for a partner?

[Hidehiho]

My BF has 2 grown up kids. Doesn’t want anymore. I have none. He doesn’t want to split up but obviously would rather split up than have another child. What would you do? Does this mean he doesn’t love me enough?

OP What happens to you if say ten years down the line and you split up anyway? How do you know this relationship will last?
I think you have a hard decision to make here.
He does not love you enough to have a child with you probably because it is hard work, tiring and he's done it and hated it.
Move on

100% NO.

It really is nothing to do with not loving you. Think of something that you really, viscerally do not want - I don’t know, having a drastic facelift or climbing Everest in flip flops. You KNOW with every fibre of your being that you don’t want to do that, and no matter how much you love someone, the fact they want it is not going to change way you feel.

I don’t want kids. I tell people this on first dates. Im with my boyfriend on the understanding he doesn’t want them either. If he changes his mind, we will have to split - me loving him and me not wanting kids are two entirely separate feelings and one does not influence the other.

similarly, if you want them, you need to accept his decision and decide what to do for yourself now. If you want to leave him in the hope of finding someone else you need to be upfront from the start with dates that you want kids, and soon. If I was in your position I would probably be looking to do it alone, or at least freezing eggs.

Why to doing it alone if there is still a good chance to meet the right match who wants a baby too?

I would never want to do it alone as a family unit is so important.

When I see threads like this I always wonder if it's my XH's partner (you're not, based on the age you've said). But, as a result, I have in mind what he said to me when he left us - "I don't want to be a full time Dad, if there was some way for us to be together that meant we only had the kids every other weekend then we could be". In that moment I knew he wasn't someone who was born to be a father (despite the fact that he was the one keener to have kids).

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that as a parent who doesn't have his children all of the time, is that a lifestyle that suits him? And is he unwilling to give it up for a child who would live with him all the time?

My XH has our daughters every other weekend. He gets to go out, have fun, freedom, holidays etc without me or them even knowing about it. That's the life he wants but it isn't the life he committed to. If he were to have another child I would be gobsmacked and hugely offended on my DCs behalf.

If he is choosing to have no more children because he doesn't want the "commitment", then that's his downfall. But it is also the best thing for you.

I'm aware I'm probably massively projecting. But it's perhaps another perspective to consider.

I couldn't imagine having more kids in my early forties, I'm tired! The thought of being in my fifties with still young children would be tough. So I can't say I blame him. But what did he tell you when you met? Was he clear?

If I were you honestly I would end it and be looking into ivf. At 36 I wouldn't be holding out on meeting someone if I was desperate for children. If someone came along then great, but I'd focusing on how to become a mother.

*Why to doing it alone if there is still a good chance to meet the right match who wants a baby too?

I would never want to do it alone as a family unit is so important.*

My main concern would be the increasing risks with pregnancy and the health of the baby. I know plenty of people have babies at 40+ but it doesn't make the risks go away, they exist. And as someone with a child that does have a health condition that is front of mind.

The 2 things are separate.
He can love you and still know that having another child is not what he wants.

He is better being honest with you now rather than being in a position of walking away from a child.

You are better finding someone who wants a child, its a tough job even when its the one thing in life you are desperately for, so i cant imagine how hard it would be with a child you didnt really want.

Rubbish. He can love her but just not want any more children. You could say if she loved him enough she would not need children

But you could have a long happy loving relationship. Children grow up and leave home, quite often moving far away and sometimes cutting contact. A happy relationship will still be there when the children are gone.

Also having children is not "amazingly precious" for many many woman. Plenty regret having children

Very tough choice OP. You aren’t compatible. If you stay with him you might end up very resentful

Neither of you are wrong. It's just you've different priorities. Having older dc myself, if I was in a new relationship, there's no way in hell I'd have kids again (even if I had the fertility).

NC for this.

I got back with an ex from a long time ago, and it finally feels like it’s meant to be. In the meantime he’d been married and had two DC, which I was aware of. He’d also been royally seen off by his ExW financially and had no house and just the marital debts, which I wasn’t fully aware of.

With a previous partner we’d discussed children and actually decided we were very happy being child free and all the benefits that entails. I’d also got to the point I assumed I was infertile as never had an “accident” so to speak. So when we started chatting and he said he didn’t want more children, it was absolutely fine.

Sods law we got pregnant and without really considering it, knowing he wanted to be childfree too, and I wanted him, I had a termination. I really wish we’d not gotten pregnant, and if he was so adamant he didn’t want children, why hadn’t he had a vasectomy. Days later I met his DC for the first time, and saw what an amazing dad he was.

As time goes on, I realise that actually, we’re not childfree, he’s a dad and I’m childless. We/I get all the negatives of children, but none of the love, or nice bits.
I love him. Completely and utterly, he’s the first person I’ve felt so happy truly sharing my life with. However, whilst he’s happy to get married at some point, he wants to feel a bit more like he’s bringing something to the pot, as I own a house and have a

good salary, and he was burnt in the divorce giving up almost everything to ensure his DC were secure.

It’s a real dilemma and I just don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m not even sure I want my own DC, sometimes I do desperately (hormones 😅), other times I think I’m happy being child free and then he merrily skips in and sings their praises and how amazing it is being a Dad and so forth and I just feel so gutted that I’m missing out on it all to support him and his previous DC/ExW.

How do you 'just' get pregnant unless you didn't use contraception properly or just didn't use any at all? Genuinely curious, not judging.

"As time goes on, I realise that actually, we’re not childfree, he’s a dad and I’m childless. We/I get all the negatives of children, but none of the love, or nice bits" yes I'd agree with this.

@GreenOrang I also complete agree with this part….. "As time goes on, I realise that actually, we’re not childfree, he’s a dad and I’m childless. We/I get all the negatives of children, but none of the love, or nice bits"

Thats also exactly how I have started to feel. My partners older kids will never love me, but I also have to take on the negatives of his kids alongside not having kids of my own if I stayed with him because he doesn’t want more. I think it’s different if you meet step children young enough where you get that bond. And it would also be different if me and my partner were both child free. However in my situation, I think I need to leave the relationship and then what is meant to be will be.

Even with younger children you wouldn't have been their "mother" replacement, because their mother will always come first.

@Musttryharder2021 obviously. But it’s inevitable that if you look after younger step children you would get more of a bond than with grown up step children.

No

Change partner.

That's the one thing I believe partners need to fully agree on. Whether to have kids, roughly how many and whether they're open for IVF and adoption

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he doesn't want anymore kids, he has two grown up kids, I wouldn't want to go back and start all over again now either (I have a late teen/adult child) Would it mean you didn't love him if you left him because you wanted kids? No, it just means you want to be a mother and he can't give you that

There was a thread on here recently where a woman was upset her DP left her as she was infertile, cue most MNers supporting her, saying he couldn't have loved her enough, he's a bastard etc. However, they're all for telling women to leave their men if it's them with a fertility problem, to go and find someone to have children with. Personally I wanted a child more than I've wanted a partner so eventually I found a suitable partner and we have DC. I don't think it's wrong.

@Peoniesandcream if my partner was infertile that would have been different. It would have been out of his hands. I would like to think I would stay with him if that was the case.

It totally depends on how much you want children. If you want them, then you need to find someone who wants children also, and who you are compatible with to spend a lifetime together; wanting the same things, same views on parenting, money, home, location, ,etc. etc. etc. etc.

And you need to know what you want and be honest and open about that and settle with someone and then you can start a family. This would be ideal. It's not what most of us do but I think that's a real problem because we end up with endless situations like this, and also situations where people are totally miserable because they find out they are incompatible after having children, then children also suffer, which is greatly unfair.

Well you can concentrate on him being so unfair to you and you can do that for the next ten years if you like then wake up at 40 with no children and not much time to correct that. (I don't know your age, that's a guess)

OR you can take action and find someone to have a family with.

It's your choice.

@youdroppedthis that is the hard thing. What if I have found my compatible person minus kids. But then I leave him to find someone who wants kids but ends up not being compatible with me otherwise. It is so hard to find that one who ticks all the boxes.

I think what you can't conceive of right now op @Hidehiho is that should you be fortunate enough to conceive easily, have a straightforward pregnancy and birth, the love for that child will be more than you've ever felt for any man. In hindsight, if having your own child was paramount, getting involved with someone who already had a child (ren) was a big gamble/mistake