The cost of dating- I spent £50 last night!

[Okclaro]

It takes me a while to feel comfortable going back to someone’s or having them to me but this can’t keep up 😬

That was dinner, two drinks and a taxi home.

A certain poster in this thread is coming across as a prostitute, someone to be brought and she might reward them with sex

I think the 1960's are calling.

Welcome to 1955

No she's not, she follows FDS where if he does buy her a meal she still doesn't feel obligated to sleep with him. She just has worded it in a different way.

FDS is full of toxic women who are no different to the men on the incel groups. The FDS subreddit is now locked thankfully. It became a nasty little echo chamber full of misandry.

You don't owe a man anything just because he buys you food. It's possible to allow a man to be a gentleman and gasp not lose your feminism card. The patriarchy would have you believe that this is somehow having your cake and eating it. That you can't be equal men and yet, also treated as a woman. Dont buy into that con.

If you don't want a man to treat then that's fine. But don't judge those who do. As pp have said, men earn proportionately more than women.
It is also fair to say that women are socialised to put a lot more effort into their looks and tend to feel the need to spend more getting ready for dates than men, on average. So it is fair to say that women are more likely than men to spend more on looking 'good for their date', before they even get there. I don't believe it's fair to call women who do this 'high maintenance'. Because it's the way women are socialised. So that would be some ingrained mysogny there.

Of course those things can be taken on a case by case basis, to an extent. But the point is, just because he pays for your chips, doesn't mean youre a gold digger. And I actually think it sets women back when we buy into this idea that being equal to a man means having to act like men and absorb all of the traditional male roles and traits as well as keeping up the traditional female roles.

That accepting a man paying for us is somehow weak, is something the patriarchy wants us to believe. It wants women to shut up. To feel that that aren't also entitled to be respected AS women if they choose to ask for respect as human beings.

You can kid yourself all you like, this is a man's world. You are much more likely to find yourself impoverished than he ever will be. And when you do, you are more at risk of exploitation. So if he offers to pay, hell, I say let him pay. And ffs, stop letting idiots make you feel guilty about it.

Why can't you have a drink without the dinner? And soft drinks so you can drive? Or a daytime meeting- it's not THAT cold surely in Scotland!
Or a museum, art gallery, cinema etc.
There are plenty of options apart from dinner in the evening.

@Pinkbonbon I think that a man paying, so early on, is kind of making a woman feel beholden to him. It gives him power. Most women who are working and living independently are quite happy to pay for their own social events, even if it's a date.

If women want equality, that includes paying for their food or entertainment.

@JinglingHellsBells and this is exactly what the patriarchy wants you to feel.

I agree it costs women more to date. It's not about dressing up like a dolly bird or whatever pp said, not that there's anything wrong with that. But even taking in to consideration that women will often get cabs instead of walking or public transport because of safety, and basic grooming is more expensive for us. obviously we earn less on average too, more likely to be resident parent so babysitters coming in to it, plus it's usually us who'll be taking time out of careers later down the line (should the dating go well!)... I like to know early on that the man is a provider and comfortable in that role.

Not big expensive dinners or anything flash but I do actually think they should pay in the beginning. This is date 3 for OP though so by that time you'd be wanting to contribute so it does add up even if they pay for date one and two. I couldn't get to date 3 and not have got my wallet out

Don't meet in the city centre then. Meet in a country pub or somewhere you can cheaply drive and park to and have a simple meal with a soft drink.

I just read this post, you put it better than me!

The thing is though, it DOESN'T ACTUALLY make her owe him anything. It's makes her worry that he thinks she now does. Which is ridiculous ridiculous you think about it.

Because if he does think that way then that's a HIM issue. And he's the sort of man you probay need to run a mile from.

We're socialised to worry about being beholden to men because we fear their wrath. So sometimes we feel its smarter to just split.

But the thing is, the sort of creep that would think you owe him for buying you dinner, will still think you owe him. Because he's a narcissist.

What? beholden to them or like an independent woman paying for herself? Not sure I follow!

Utter tripe.

I don't know how you were brought up or what your own background is.

Women I know of all ages ( 30s- 60+) pay for themselves.

Your posts suggest women can't do this, or for some illogical reason, have to accept free food and drink from a man on a date.

I wonder how you'd feel if 2 women went on a date? Not every one is straight.

Or if a woman offered to pay for her male date?

No, not pulling any legs. I’m just very realistic and confident about my own worth and objectives.

Aren’t you the poster that went after a man not long after his wife had died because he had loads of money?

I really don’t think you should be claiming you have self worth when you obviously don’t.

Also, if you genuinely think that a man buying you a pizza entitles him to your body and that you have to split on order for that not to be the case... that would be worrying. But we don't think that do we, we think 'I'd better split so that he doesn't feel I owe him anything'

Why not afford the man the same respect we do ourselves and assume he isn't a pig. If it turns out otherwise, we'll at least we found out sooner rather than later.

I've never felt like I owed a man sex or whatever because he's paid. Although way back in my dating journey I did sometimes feel annoyed that i'd paid half in order to establish equality, and he pestered me for sex anyway. If he's a twat he's anyway whether you pay or not.

In Eastern Europe 80-90% of the time most middle-class and upper-class men pay for the date without any obligation.

I understand it's mainly 50/50 in the west.

Only poor men might moan they can't afford it.

I would always go to cheap places for tea/coffee/juice/milkshake and a snack.

I know it's not always the healthiest option but ok once a week, every other week, or once a month. For example, 1) McDonald's. The wrap of the day is £1.99. Coffee £1.19 = £3.18

Gregg's coffee £1.85 on its own with baguette only 40p Baguette £3.15 (I like tuna & red onion or chicken one). = 3.15 + 40 p = £3.55

M&S nice sandwich from £2.50 - £3.75 + McDonald's Coffee = under £4- £5

As an option bring your own tea/coffee in a flask for you and your friend you are meeting with something nice dessert bought in advance (like a piece of cake, doughnut, cookie, fresh bakery item).

We do these things with my husband to have a great day out and we save money at the same time.

Sometimes he treats me in a nice, not cheap restaurant and spends on me (lovely surprise presents) but on casual days out we mainly do that.

When our son was preschool age and we had to spend a fortune on nursery fees, we took family picnics on days out to save money too.

When I was a student and a boy invited me for a date, I would tell him, say, I have a maximum £20 budget for it.

We would either go somewhere cheap enough/free or he would pay for me (without obligation) if he could afford it.

I’ve been married for 25 years but I did date quite a bit beforehand as I didn’t get married until I was 28. So, I’ve read the op’s posts and the comments and I have a different opinion. No, I don’t want to go back in time to the 1950s and I wasn’t even around in the 1950s. And of course I believe we’re all equal in rights and worth. And, I manage all the finances and have since day I was married. My husband has no interest in doing them so I do it. His salary is direct deposited in our joint account and I decide how it’s spent. I’m not working at the moment but I’ve worked most of our marriage and for many years before that. He spends whatever he wants, we don’t ask permission, by that I mean he will get a few things from the grocery or wherever, he doesn’t really spend much. We decide together on big things.

That big preamble was to explain that I’m not a little woman being told what to do by a man. Ok. I think so many women have latched onto this, “I have to pay for dates or else the man is controlling me, or I’m taking advantage of him.” I’m sorry, that’s a bunch of garbage (unless you’re being abused and that’s a different subject).

I have never paid for a date and the guy always wanted to. I recently read about many men who said they wanted to pay and wanted to be gentlemen. Nothing wrong with that. People have gone a little psycho with trying to eliminate true masculinity (which is not toxic) and gentlemen from existence.

Op, you’ve made your own life hard for yourself. Simply don’t pay for the dates. No reason to. It’s not a transaction where something sinister or sexual or “obedience” is expected, that is what is 1950s thinking. A date is supposed to be romantic and there’s nothing wrong with a gentleman wanting to take care of his date.

Any man that suggested MacDonalds to me wouldn't even get the date! Awful places.

I would look at places, maybe wine bars that do good 'nibbles/bar snacks /sharing boards - rather than full on meals plus a couple of drinks- should get it down to about £25 each. A bit more traditional but cinema/comedy club etc??