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Original poster

The cost of dating- I spent £50 last night!

285 replies

Okclaro · 29/05/2022 11:24

It takes me a while to feel comfortable going back to someone’s or having them to me but this can’t keep up 😬

That was dinner, two drinks and a taxi home.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 29/05/2022 16:12

Agree with posters who say he should be paying. Your expenses are greater than his - clothes, hair makeup etc all cost more for us

Fucksake.

Not all of "us" feel the need to dress up like dolly birds.

If this basic good manners and generosity isn’t there there is no point dating him anyway so you may as well find out early.
What about your basic good manners & generosity, @DontBlameMe79?
Or are you comfortable with your hypocrisy?

Men are usually so desperate for the chance of sex that they will happily pay, and whether they get it or not will be up to me.
So you view your dating activity as a form of prostitution, just with a small variable on whether he actually gets a bang for his buck?
I can see it's a winning strategy for you. Your marketing material must be fun - all the allure of sex work AND gambling for your poor johns.

Remember, we are the prize in the dating world, not them.
Oh, I think the value of the 'prize' is in the eye of the beholder.
I expect you attract some absolute 'prizes' yourself, with your Pay For Access approach.

Huckleberries73 · 29/05/2022 16:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 16:17

All of these would come above income/ financial success for me. It’s said if you think ‘high quality man’ means financially successful above any other quality.

Yeah right

I think DontBlameMe79 is pulling our leg.

I think it’s the first time I’ve felt that way as I’m just glad someone doesn’t genuinely have that opinion.

Huckleberries73 · 29/05/2022 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Rhodora · 29/05/2022 16:26

It depends on where in Scotland you are but DH and I started dating in January 2016 having met online in December 2015.

We went bowling for I think around £20 for two on a Saturday night. After a certain time you could have as many games as you wanted for that. We also did a city ghost walk for around £5-£10 each. I have also been on a date to a coffee shop before. Sitting there drinking coffee and putting the world to rights.

It is possible to find cheaper date options but dinner and drinks is definitely expensive.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 16:27

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 16:17

All of these would come above income/ financial success for me. It’s said if you think ‘high quality man’ means financially successful above any other quality.

Yeah right

I think DontBlameMe79 is pulling our leg.

I think it’s the first time I’ve felt that way as I’m just glad someone doesn’t genuinely have that opinion.

No, not pulling any legs. I’m just very realistic and confident about my own worth and objectives. I also have zero qualms about upsetting people with the truth, whether on here or in a dating environment.

Where many seem to go wrong is looking for a man to be like their girlfriends only with a penis. I’m not interested in that, I look for other, complementary attributes. And I test them on my requirements relentlessly and with little sympathy.

Why this is seen on here as supporting the patriarchy may be due to lack of education, but hopefully this clarifies things.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 16:27

I think daytime dates are generally cheaper and they don't have the pressure of going out for an expensive meal and drinks.

When DH and I first started dating we were pretty broke, and we did things like:

  • get a supermarket picnic and go to the local lake for a paddle and food
  • drive to the coast, walk along the beach and have fish and chips/ice-cream afterwards
  • go to the zoo - booked in advance for cheap tickets
  • go for a drive to a local beauty spot and watch the sunset
  • go looking for the northern lights - we live in in Northern England and saw them a couple of times, so should be possible in Scotland if you're lucky with the weather
  • local beauty spots with a picnic, or a pub lunch if we felt extravagant
  • cinema
  • bowling or the amusements - something fun but pretty cheap and interactive - we did things like play air hockey or pool too.
No need to start spending a fortune just because you're past the two or three dates - we had some fantastic dates in the early days and never spent a fortune.
pixie5121 · 29/05/2022 16:32

ShandaLear · 29/05/2022 15:39

If it’s the first date or two don’t do dinner, not just because of the expense but because you’re potentially stuck with them for two hours if you decide early on you don’t like them. Something like a walk or a coffee means less pressure, less expense, less time commitment.

Absolutely go halves. Having somebody pay for you puts you in a position of ‘owing’ them and feeling you should be grateful to them. It makes the power balance unequal. I don’t understand why it costs so much more to get ready if you’re a woman so that argument is daft. Men don’t care about nails and hair as long as they’re clean. There’s no need for a new outfit or shoes. You can have all those things if you want, but you’re doing them for you and a man does not owe you dinner because you’ve had your legs waxed. That’s nonsense.

When I met my DP via OLD one of the things he liked about me was that I insisted on paying my own way and that I was independent. He said he came away from a few other dates feeling he’d been used as a meal ticket. He’s a high earner and we’ve been together for 7 years. In that time he has been very generous but I’ve continued to ‘share’ the load. I’d hate for him to think I was trying to take advantage of him, because he’s great and doesn’t deserve that.

I would not be in a relationship with a man who used the misogynistic term 'meal ticket'. Major red flag.

I've accepted in the past when men offered to pay. Why the hell not? Women earn less than men on the whole, have to work much harder than men to make it in the higher paid industries, etc. I would always offer to pay, but sometimes they insist, and I accept it. There's no further obligation to continue anything after that point. Paying is a nice gesture to show you enjoyed the company. I regularly buy food and drinks for others, even if I know I'll probably never see them ever again.

It sounds like your 'DH' was expecting sex or something in return for his 'investment'. That's quite gross, isn't it? Why did he offer to pay at all unless he was basically expecting to buy sex or a relationship?

Porcupineintherough · 29/05/2022 16:33

It is a bit odd to sleep with a virtual stranger and then get traumatised about their opinion of you tbh.

Manekinek0 · 29/05/2022 16:37

I paid for our first date, me and DH have been happily married for almost 10 years.

If you get him to pay because you are trading a meal for sex then you are a cheap escort. And those who think they are some special prize that men should work for and "earn" are going to end up in some screwed up relationships.

You have had some good cheap date ideas. I would suggest you focus on things you enjoy and hobbies that you would like to do with a partner in the future.

Furrbabymama87 · 29/05/2022 16:38

When I dated I always offered to pay but the man always did. I'd buy a few drinks but they never let me pay for meals. When you've been dating a while it can go more laid back, going to each others houses and stuff or go out but just do casual things.

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 29/05/2022 16:39

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 16:27

No, not pulling any legs. I’m just very realistic and confident about my own worth and objectives. I also have zero qualms about upsetting people with the truth, whether on here or in a dating environment.

Where many seem to go wrong is looking for a man to be like their girlfriends only with a penis. I’m not interested in that, I look for other, complementary attributes. And I test them on my requirements relentlessly and with little sympathy.

Why this is seen on here as supporting the patriarchy may be due to lack of education, but hopefully this clarifies things.

Show quote history

What complimentary attributes?

What do you bring to a relationship? How long do men stick around paying your bills in a sexless relationship?

I could understand if you were coming at this from a traditional angle, thinking men should be providers but that's not how you're coming across.

Fifi0102 · 29/05/2022 16:48

Suprima · 29/05/2022 12:29

you’re dating wrong if you are paying early on tbh.

not a popular opinion- but a bloke who won’t buy you a couple of cocktails when he should be trying to impress you, is a man who’ll want 50% of the bills paid when you are on statutory maternity leave.

This is brilliant 😂😂

easyday · 29/05/2022 16:51

I certainly would not expect a date to pay for me until well established relationship. Depends where you live I guess but I always caught a bus home, didn't drink much at all either.

ImAvingOops · 29/05/2022 16:52

As a mother of sons, who have really lovely qualities, I think they are 'the prize'!
I want them to meet partners who don't view them as walking ATMs!

ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 16:56

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 14:49

Agree with posters who say he should be paying. Your expenses are greater than his - clothes, hair makeup etc all cost more for us. Maybe a few months in there could be some sharing but I’d be wary even of that.

If this basic good manners and generosity isn’t there there is no point dating him anyway so you may as well find out early.

Good grief.

Frenchyfrog · 29/05/2022 16:56

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 15:19

You need to value yourself appropriately is the fundamental thing. This is another example of “right on” approaches to dating hurting women. Why we do it to ourselves I’ll never know. Men are usually so desperate for the chance of sex that they will happily pay, and whether they get it or not will be up to me. Remember, we are the prize in the dating world, not them.

Show quote history

What a vile attitude. Women are a prize?! I think this says more about you than it does ‘men’.

ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 17:01

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 15:26

you’re dating wrong if you are paying early on tbh.

Do not listen to this BS.

It’s no wonder so many women aren’t seen as equals and end up in financially controlling relationships with these sorts of attitudes.

I can imagine these are the sort of women who try and find a husband just do they can stop working.

I think this poster has expressed some other peculiar ideas about women in society.

ArtVandalay · 29/05/2022 17:02

*Agree with posters who say he should be paying. Your expenses are greater than his - clothes, hair makeup etc all cost more for us. Maybe a few months in there could be some sharing but I’d be wary even of that.

If this basic good manners and generosity isn’t there there is no point dating him anyway so you may as well find out early.*

What the heck? I am genuinely shocked and ashamed this attitude still exists.

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 17:03

Frenchyfrog · 29/05/2022 16:56

What a vile attitude. Women are a prize?! I think this says more about you than it does ‘men’.

Show quote history

I think you’ll find “women are the prize” to be MN orthodoxy, not some fringe opinion.

ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 17:07

ilovesooty · 29/05/2022 17:01

I think this poster has expressed some other peculiar ideas about women in society.

Show quote history

Apologies - I quoted the wrong poster. It's @DontBlameMe79 who has the weird ideas about women in society.

Fifi0102 · 29/05/2022 17:08

@DontBlameMe79 follows FDS it does have some valid points. It's basically that women nowadays are too willing to be pick mes and will settle for bad behaviour under the guise of equality. It's basically women now agree to now pay halves for everything work full time then still look mostly after the children and the home. Women nowadays are more likely to settle for situationships or casual dating when they don't want this. The sexual revolution has in someways been harmful to women and beneficial to men. The beginning stages he should be trying to impress you a bit and it gives you a clue will he be financially abusive on mat leave etc. I still can't get my head around letting him pay the first date as I feel like there would be an obligation. FDS does have some good points

IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2022 17:09

Women are the prize?
Fuck that. We should all pay our own way!

DontBlameMe79 · 29/05/2022 17:13

Fifi0102 · 29/05/2022 17:08

@DontBlameMe79 follows FDS it does have some valid points. It's basically that women nowadays are too willing to be pick mes and will settle for bad behaviour under the guise of equality. It's basically women now agree to now pay halves for everything work full time then still look mostly after the children and the home. Women nowadays are more likely to settle for situationships or casual dating when they don't want this. The sexual revolution has in someways been harmful to women and beneficial to men. The beginning stages he should be trying to impress you a bit and it gives you a clue will he be financially abusive on mat leave etc. I still can't get my head around letting him pay the first date as I feel like there would be an obligation. FDS does have some good points

Hallelujah, there is someone with some realism.

pixie5121 · 29/05/2022 17:16

Fifi0102 · 29/05/2022 17:08

@DontBlameMe79 follows FDS it does have some valid points. It's basically that women nowadays are too willing to be pick mes and will settle for bad behaviour under the guise of equality. It's basically women now agree to now pay halves for everything work full time then still look mostly after the children and the home. Women nowadays are more likely to settle for situationships or casual dating when they don't want this. The sexual revolution has in someways been harmful to women and beneficial to men. The beginning stages he should be trying to impress you a bit and it gives you a clue will he be financially abusive on mat leave etc. I still can't get my head around letting him pay the first date as I feel like there would be an obligation. FDS does have some good points

I think a lot of what they say is quite toxic but I do agree with some of the points. I think women are too willing to be pickmes and settle for bad behaviour, and that makes it harder for all of us.

Look at the sheer quantity of posts here on MN from women who are absolutely knackered working full time and doing almost all the childcare and housework while their partners get to have 'me time'.

The whole 'equality' thing is a joke because there is no real equality. Women still earn less. Women have to be the ones to go through pregnancy and take mat leave. If a woman earns less than a man but is going 50/50 on everything, then she is subsidising him. It took me years and years to see it this way, but it's true.

Being a woman is way harder than being a man, even in 2022. I have to worry about all sorts of things that never even cross their minds, including my safety on the date. I'm certainly not going to be made to feel like some kind of gold digger for accepting a cocktail or a burger, for fucks sake.