The cost of dating- I spent £50 last night!

[Okclaro]

It takes me a while to feel comfortable going back to someone’s or having them to me but this can’t keep up 😬

That was dinner, two drinks and a taxi home.

Well for a start, when did you last see a man show up in a designer suit. And he probably didn’t buy that car for the date. Know your worth, don’t undersell yourself.

You need to value yourself appropriately is the fundamental thing. This is another example of “right on” approaches to dating hurting women. Why we do it to ourselves I’ll never know. Men are usually so desperate for the chance of sex that they will happily pay, and whether they get it or not will be up to me. Remember, we are the prize in the dating world, not them.

Wow, one of the most sexist, misogynistic and objectifying posts I have read on mumsnet for a long time!

I certainly would not want to be seen as a ‘prize’ or feel that by paying the man is going to be owed sex. These kinds of attitudes feed into rape culture and dehumanise women. Women should not be a prize in a relationship, they should be an equal partner. Suggesting men should pay to be entitled to sex or that women are something to be won puts a dangerous power imbalance into the relationship before it even starts and definitely doesn’t set the foundations for a relationship to be built with mutual respect, genuine consent or to be part of an equal team.

@DontBlameMe79

You're saying you bug new clothes, shoes, hair products, make up, jewellery for every date?!? Jesus Christ

"Worth"? "Sell"?

I am not on a date to be fucking bought. I know my worth and it is not monetary.

If you find generosity (to people you're on a first date with, whom you don't even know) so important, you're free to demonstrate it yourself, to the men you date.

Anyway, free art galleries are my tip for a cheap date that isn't a walk in the cold. And for me, a really good litmus test, because a man who couldn't make intelligent conversation about art was never going to be for me.

Phew. Glad people are more eloquent than me.

I'm going to try and get more creative. I usually go for Friday or Saturday night which limits the museum/ art gallery options.

Well each to their own, but the number of times you will see “remember, you are the prize” on MN is very large so you are in a minority. It’s not about owing anything to the man either, that’s up to us to evaluate and reward them if they deserve it. Why this isn’t seen as empowering is strange as we have the power in the relationship if we manage it correctly.

Where it goes wrong is when we do it half arsed and end up feeling like we owe them anything - that’s the key, you don’t owe them anything ever.

No just more often than he does - why are you arguing, you know it’s true. Denying it is just a bit silly.

If it’s the first date or two don’t do dinner, not just because of the expense but because you’re potentially stuck with them for two hours if you decide early on you don’t like them. Something like a walk or a coffee means less pressure, less expense, less time commitment.

Absolutely go halves. Having somebody pay for you puts you in a position of ‘owing’ them and feeling you should be grateful to them. It makes the power balance unequal. I don’t understand why it costs so much more to get ready if you’re a woman so that argument is daft. Men don’t care about nails and hair as long as they’re clean. There’s no need for a new outfit or shoes. You can have all those things if you want, but you’re doing them for you and a man does not owe you dinner because you’ve had your legs waxed. That’s nonsense.

When I met my DP via OLD one of the things he liked about me was that I insisted on paying my own way and that I was independent. He said he came away from a few other dates feeling he’d been used as a meal ticket. He’s a high earner and we’ve been together for 7 years. In that time he has been very generous but I’ve continued to ‘share’ the load. I’d hate for him to think I was trying to take advantage of him, because he’s great and doesn’t deserve that.

Worth doesn’t have to be monetary of course as you well know - these are figures of speech as you well know. And foul language doesn’t add to your comment - probably wouldn’t go down well in the local art gallery either.

Know your worth, don’t undersell yourself.

Spoken like a true prostitute.

OP if other people think they’re something to be brought then more fool them.

You sound like you have more respect for yourself so carry on paying for yourself and you’ll be more likely to find someone who is decent and not just after someone to own.

I'm lucky that I live in a city centre so dates come to me and I dont have to pay taxis, but I'm SE and it's around £5.50 for my preferred lager and £15-20 if I pay for my dinner, so it still adds up and my recent experience of men has been woeful

I always pay my way, and try and look at it as just a nice (ish) night out. Coffee in the day would be cheaper for you?

If it’s the first date or two don’t do dinner, not just because of the expense but because you’re potentially stuck with them for two hours if you decide early on you don’t like them. Something like a walk or a coffee means less pressure, less expense, less time commitment.

I definitely do that for the first one or two dates, but when you get to the point of wanting to know them more, but without wanting to go home with them, it can mount up!

probably wouldn’t go down well in the local art gallery either

I give up, you're on a different planet

Might be worth considering that everyone is disagreeing with you.

“You need to value yourself appropriately is the fundamental thing. This is another example of “right on” approaches to dating hurting women. Why we do it to ourselves I’ll never know. Men are usually so desperate for the chance of sex that they will happily pay, and whether they get it or not will be up to me. Remember, we are the prize in the dating world, not them.”

Words fail me. women are not some sort of dumb simpering prize heifers. Women like sex too, and they want it with high quality men who see them as equals, not someone who’ll put out for the price of a steak and glass of the house red.

How about just drinks? Or go to a gallery/museum? A day trip somewhere new where coffees and a walk are more appealing? You could do outdoor cinema, a picnic somewhere, go to the zoo?!

Lots of things that don't mean £50 or sex!

Remember, we are the prize in the dating world, not them

I knew this line would appear and I wasn’t disappointed. This concept appears so often on these dating threads I can only assume it’s from some crappy dating book like “ The Rules”. No-one is “the prize” - its two people of equal value trying to establish if they have a connection. Presumably the cost of the date was the same as any comparable night out with a friend?

I've actually been to the zoo recently, was £20 a ticket!

I do need to get more creative and start scheduling day dates or looking up some free events.

I think daytime dates is a better option. Worth considering that taxis can be in short supply at times.

I agree with dates one, two, three being a ball ache and potentially expensive. If from date four you like him, and he seems worth it- then dinner at one of yours? Doesn't have to mean nookie!

I found face to face online chats really useful pre meet to weed out whether I was going to even go on a first date, and whether there was enough chat to spend money on drinks etc.! Sounds harsh, and a bit clinical but it worked!! I do now have a lovely partner, 2 years on!

This is an example of muddled thinking these days. High Value Man = financially successful and you want to be seen as an equal? And then after splitting a few meal dates you hope for generosity, no? This is just another strategy for accessing his resources and if it works good for you. But don’t pretend that’s not what your doing….the High Value Man statement is always a giveaway.

And the last point is the exact opposite of my point. You DONT put out because he bought dinner. Maybe read that again. And you don’t feel obligated. Feeling indebted is the problem - dismiss that thought. Know your value and if he has not earned it, (whatever that is) he doesn’t get.

This!!!

I would never, ever expect a date to pay for me. I would feel surprised and a bit uncomfortable if they even offered. I'm genuinely surprised that in 2022 there are women who think men should pay for dates because women pay for lipstick 🤯

High quality does not mean high value. Is that a misreading or a misunderstanding regarding what high quality means? There are lots and lots of qualities in a person (man or woman) I would put higher than financially successfully.

Respectful
Kind
Good communicator
Thoughtful
Funny
Emotional intelligence
Trustworthy
Helpful
Self-sufficient

All of these would come above income/ financial success for me. It’s said if you think ‘high quality man’ means financially successful above any other quality.

Do you like walking?

I always find sitting down for dinner awkward and expensive.
So I prefer to go for a walk somewhere where you can just chat and stroll and then have a coffee afterwards.

Im not a fan of art galleries but if I lived in London then I’d definitely go to somewhere like the natural history museum which is free and gives you something to talk about so there’s no awkward silences.

Yeah right

@DontBlameMe79 just because the only quality you look for in a man is a good bank balance doesn't mean thats the only quality the rest of us look for.