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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

246 replies

Jolie654 · 26/05/2022 23:38

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

OP posts:
rnsaslkih · 26/05/2022 23:44

You can cope as a single mum.

This is far more than an affair - it’s habitual cheating and complete and utter disrespect for you.

If you don’t divorce him, your self esteem will be destroyed. Nobody wants to get divorced but his behaviour is extreme.

Have you got family support?

pedropony76 · 26/05/2022 23:47

LTB. That’s my first time saying that on here but this man really has no respect for you

Original poster
Jolie654 · 26/05/2022 23:48

Not a huge amount. My parents are abroad. Financially I would be ok, he earns a lot but it’s more our kids are young. I just didn’t want this for them but we are fighting all the time. I know it’s not a great environment for them but just finding it hard to let go.

OP posts:
friendlycat · 26/05/2022 23:55

You are only 38 and deserve so very much more than this.

The situation is not a one off that you may be able to work through but a pattern that’s been in place for years and isn’t going to change.

You even mention the lack of intimacy between the two of you, though frankly I’m not surprised.

Don’t waste your life. In ten years you will be approaching 50. You are never going to be respected by this man as demonstrated to date. Surely you deserve better than this. Even if you are a single mum for a time, it’s got to be better than living this quasi life and you have years ahead of you to form a proper relationship with someone who values you. Good luck but remember a lot of your destiny is down to you.

Rainbowshit · 27/05/2022 00:18

I don't understand why you even need to ask this question? Take back some control. He's cheated multiple times, why would he stop now?

NewandNotImproved · 27/05/2022 00:27

Oh come on. This bloke is shagging all round him, robbing family money to fund his lovers, exposing your kids to a toxic utter farce of a home, and you’ve allowed it so far?
Obviously take him to the cleaners. Ensure he funds and parents his kids. He can go in the bin, where he belongs. Not worth any agonising over, he’s a dirty liar who is making an utter mug of you.

Zemw · 27/05/2022 00:28

Doent matter if he loved her, he a lying, cheating scumbag. You should have left when you found out he'd been sleeping with multiple women.

You will never trust him again. You are young, get your children out of there.

WhatDoIDoNow3 · 27/05/2022 00:28

Sort out your finances etc. to be able to split up and get divorced. The fact he has had multiple affairs including paying for these women and shows a lack of remorse means you shouldn't be investing any more time into him honestly. He clearly doesn't love you if that's how he's treating you. It's probably best to split now and set a good example to your kids of boundaries and healthy relationships.

Pallisers · 27/05/2022 00:29

you are young - your life is ahead of you. Why waste it with this loser.

I know you didn't want this for your kids but unfortunately you got it - not your fault but his. your children will be far happier and have a far better example if they are out of this dysfunctional toxic environment.

NewandNotImproved · 27/05/2022 00:30

If you choose this toxic sham you’ll need monthly STD tests, and some kind of fund for your kids, to ensure he pays for them while he’s funding his various lovers.

yousexybugger · 27/05/2022 00:35

Honestly, this will happen again and again. It's not a stupid, much regretted one off (not saying I would condone that personally), it is an ingrained pattern. He feels entitled to do this and will continue to do it. Your feelings are not a factor in his decision making.

You're only 38, you'd be financially comfortable, you are easily young enough to enjoy some time recovering and being single then meet someone else in time. Don't waste more years on this man for the sake of what?

Bouledeneige · 27/05/2022 00:40

You need to spend your time thinking about what you need and want from life. It doesn't matter if he's still in love, why he's stayed etc. What do you want? Do you want to stay tied to a feckless disloyal cheap man who shows you disrespect. Stop trying to keep hold of him and start thinking about what you're worth. A whole lot more than him.

I kicked out my XH when my DC were 7 and 5. We divorced. My life is now how I want it - I'm independent and free and I've had so many adventures. I have friends, a fun life and a career. I didn't need him to make me feel worthless when it was him who was so empty and worthless - no integrity.

SarahDippity · 27/05/2022 00:44

There is an alternative life ahead for you, and you need to visualise that, with yourself at the heart. You are on a hiding to nothing with him. In Mumsnet-speak, SHL stands for shit hot lawyer, and you need to start the process of creating a new future for yourself. I feel for you but, trust me, get out and plan for a new and free future.

Original poster
Jolie654 · 27/05/2022 00:49

obviously That’s not what I want, but to be honest I think I am just still in so much shock. In every other way he was and is a great dad. He has never shown me any disrespect in any other way. It’s just seemingly so out of character. I can’t reconcile who I thought he was with what he’s done and been doing. I know that is no excuse. But also why I could probably have dealt eventually with a physical affair but the emotional thing and to think how he has obviously been treating this OW… I don’t know it just feels worse.
but yeah I know it’s no excuse it’s just the shock. Been months and I still can’t get my head around it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2022 00:50

Why you would waste even five more seconds of your life on this man is beyond me. Kick him out, get a solicitor, and get rid.

silentpool · 27/05/2022 00:51

This kind of thing is poison in the heart of a marriage. My parents were never happy when I was growing up and my mother stayed with my dad despite affairs.

It models poor relationships and toxic emotional patterns to the children. I can see now that I have replayed some of these family dramas in my own life. So, staying for the kids is perpetuating this through the generations potentially. I realise that it's hard to leave and hard to start again but you will be happier.

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 27/05/2022 01:04

Divorce him.

It is clearly not out of character.

Are you happy?/Is this how you see the rest of your life?
No? - Divorce him.

Would you want your children to model this toxic behaviour in their future family relationships when they are adults?
No? - Divorce him.

He continues to do this to you, as you have allowed him to treat you this way with no consequences.

No respect.

I hope you’ve had a sexual health check since the last time you were intimate.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 27/05/2022 01:05

Would you be happy for one of your kids to end up in a marriage like this? What would you tell them to do?
Years of this treatment must have completely eroded your self esteem. It's not normal. He really is not a good father.

Moser85 · 27/05/2022 01:25

Financially supporting them? but it was mainly sex? were they some kind of sugar daddy situations? Even if it was just affairs without that added component counselling is not going to fix this. Clearly one woman isn't enough, clearly a wife and kids isn't enough.

How did you find out? Did you go looking for evidence? That suggests a very unhappy situation where you were suspicious and stressed, you're not going to feel less suspicious now that you know the truth. Life will be hell.

In every other way he was and is a great dad. He has never shown me any disrespect in any other way. It’s just seemingly so out of character.

Of course he was able to be nice to you and be a great dad. This man was out with different women enjoying himself all the time. People tend to be happy when they are in the fun stages of new relationships. So no doubt that's why he came home and was a good dad and not disrespectful to you. He was loving his life!! and then just moved onto the next woman when he got bored of the other one or she caught feelings or whatever...but he constantly had a stream of fun and excitement in his life so as I said he was loving life.

How can he go from that to being happy with a wife and kids? He won't.

You deserve so much better!

BadNomad · 27/05/2022 01:43

How is this out of character? It sounds like this is just him being him. Lying, cheating, disrespect. He isn't staying with you for you. It's for him. Maybe because he doesn't want his kids to hate him. Or he doesn't want to get divorced. Or he's just lazy and doesn't want to have to do all his own cooking and cleaning and child-rearing. Whatever his reasons are, it's not because he loves you. He's made that very clear. He's not worth fighting for.

WhatDoIDoNow3 · 27/05/2022 01:47

Jolie654 · 27/05/2022 00:49

obviously That’s not what I want, but to be honest I think I am just still in so much shock. In every other way he was and is a great dad. He has never shown me any disrespect in any other way. It’s just seemingly so out of character. I can’t reconcile who I thought he was with what he’s done and been doing. I know that is no excuse. But also why I could probably have dealt eventually with a physical affair but the emotional thing and to think how he has obviously been treating this OW… I don’t know it just feels worse.
but yeah I know it’s no excuse it’s just the shock. Been months and I still can’t get my head around it.

Can you not see you clearly never knew his true character to begin with if he was living a totally different life to what you thought? Your marriage does not exist as you thought it to be and by staying you are setting a bad example to your kids. Don't be a doormat and get out.

Graphista · 27/05/2022 02:01

It's not out of character he deceived you as to what his true character was -

Consider this what if he had given you hiv or hepatitis while you were pregnant?

Great dads don't treat the mother of their children like this

Great dads don't risk her health

Great dads don't risk their kids health even lives!

Regularmumnetter · 27/05/2022 02:28

Can you agree to an open relationship? Where he could continue seeing this other woman emotionally and sexually and you can see other men (if you want too?.) I know it’s not a popular choice on mumsnet but that way the arguments are fewer and DC grow up in a lot better way financially.

Suzi888 · 27/05/2022 02:35

You matter too, don’t you deserve more than this?

Begrateful · 27/05/2022 02:57

Think you've got to come to the realisation that he has no utter respect for you. Repeated cycles of his cheating behaviour, is not an accident, that's premeditated and intentional. Men like his type have many secrets, so there's many things you haven't yet uncovered and probably will never know. They usually hide their real intent deep down and masquerade like the "perfect/ideal" husband/partner/boyfriend to their OH and the outside world.

Get an STD test done asap if you haven't already. You mention having children under 5, so if you're still breastfeeding then this is important.

These men usually view their OH as an idiot, a weak individual who'll put up with any and everything, which means they only get wiser at the game and cleverly cover-up their tracks.

Stop being a door mat!

Get counselling to work on improving. Don't know why society seem to portray the doom and gloom stories of being a single mum. I know many women who are, and they're thriving and much happier compared to remaining in a miserable marriage/relationship.

Find your courage OP!