I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

@LoekMa we are fortunate enough to have a very comfortable lifestyle financially but that is not necessarily the key factor. I would be provided for but eventually I would have to work when DC are older and I didn’t have a great well-paying career beforehand, and difficult to go back after so long.

and if for instance DH left for OW he will no doubt start a whole new family. It feels like Me and DC will be second best. She’s younger and single, no kids. Even if he didn’t leave for her then it is likely this will still happen with someone else.

I would hate to think he just gets to swan off and get an entirely new shiny life, and I’ll be left to pick up the pieces. He should be prioritising us instead of being set free to live as he pleases.

So you'd rather be trapped in a loveless, sexless, unhappy marriage where you are both depressed than to let him "go" and both make new, potentially happier lives for yourselves?

This is the ultimate in cutting off your nose to spite your face. He is a spineless, cheating bastard, but you are not winning by keeping him married to you. It is you and your children who will suffer, he will just go off and have another affair.

Think of the environment you are creating for your kids: both parents unhappy, resentful, full of bitterness and contempt towards the other.

There are no winners here.

Tbh it sounds like his affairs are maybe the only reason your marriage has lasted this long. If the goal is to just not split up, then it might be best to have an open marriage because not many men will stick around for a loveless, sexless marriage if those needs are not being met elsewhere. The sad truth is, when your children grow up, there won't be any reason for him to stay with you.

"I would hate to think he just gets to swan off and get an entirely new shiny life, and I’ll be left to pick up the pieces. He should be prioritising us instead of being set free to live as he pleases."

I understand this completely. For many of us, that does feel very unfair. But it is going to happen anyway so better that you find some dignity and end it, in my opinion, than have it forced upon you when he finally decides to go.

Also - you are trying to cling to the life you once had but that has already gone. He messed it up and it will never be the same. You can start a new, quieter life for you and DC or you can waste your life bolstering this idiot's ego in an effort to maintain your lifestyle - comfortable in financial terms only as it does not appear comfortable in any other, important way.

I decided I'd rather see him living a new life than have to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life.

@justfiveminutes the thought of DC having half siblings and having the split their lives just feels unbearable to me. Did you have to go through that? 😕

This is an awful way to live. It’s horrible being cheated on but sadly it rarely gets better when there is no consequence.

The reality is that now would be a good time to split up because your children are preschool. What’s it going to be like in say 6 years time? The DCs will be 8 and 10 I’m sorry to say he has cheated practically your entire marriage it is very likely there will be someone else on the scene then. It will be much harder to split up and more painful for the DCs at that age or older. What about when he has a midlife crisis?

Do you think you are going to be happy together for the rest of your life? It’s not very likely sorry to say and at 38 you have many years ahead to cut your losses and meet somebody lovely.

You know you deserve better. It’s not easy I know leaving you would be miserable for awhile but it will get better, staying I think you’ll be miserable for a long long time.

Lozzerbmc
This is an awful way to live. It’s horrible being cheated on but sadly it rarely gets better when there is no consequence,

Horrible to you, but not to the Op. Op has already rationalised the cheating and is mitigating it.
I am not sure if Op is hanging in until she thinks her DH will be too old for his shenanigans. In truth in my view, the very best Op can hope for is to hold until the kids are young adults, then he will be gone.

I'm sorry OP but I think you're being very gullible (you want to believe him, I understand this). He has in all probability got a pay as you go phone.

And even if he doesn't at the moment it's just a matter of time. I don't believe for one minute he'll stay faithful to you, not with this track record. He just doesn't want you to leave him as he probably has narcissistic traits ,(cheaters often do) and doesn't want you spilling your guts about what he's done to all and sundry. Also it sounds like he has a lot to lose financially.

listen to the majority on here OP. He won't change.

Hes done it so often that this isn't a mistake, its a way of life. Your reasons for staying e.g. finances, no future half siblings etc are all hypothetical and anyway, the way he operates means you'll likely end up in that situation anyway.

Whatever you do you should get yourself financially independant. Because if he does run off with an OW there's no guarantee at all that he'll be sympathetic

@DrMorbius i don’t know if I’ve ‘mitigated’ it. He hasn’t had an easy ride for the last half a year! He has insisted he wants to stay to work on things. He didn’t leave for the OW so he can’t have been that in love with her. I mean, as I said he doesn’t discuss it in detail but his actions in staying must count for something.
but no it’s not like I’ve just rolled over and there is some comfort in that he’s actually making an effort.
whether it will last is another matter.

but his actions in staying must count for something

I am sure there is a logic to his staying Op, but I doubt you understand it. My bet would be that in this instance the pull of his DC's is more than the pull of the OW.

You do know one thing for absolute certain, that if there is zero sex in your marriage he will inevitably go & get it somewhere else.
Whatever he says about making it work, he will not be celibate for the rest of his life.
You have to admit that if you want to stay married, you are going to need to believe he wants to stay, & accept that his unforgivable series of OW is over.
This purgatory of a sexless marriage is not sustainable.

Sounds like OP is aware the marriage is dead but wants to punish DH so much she is punishing herself more in the process.

he maybe full of guilt right now, but his heart has never been in this relationship. I agree with previous posters. He’ll be off as soon as DC grow up.

I'm afraid so. It is preferable, surely, to them finding out as adults that he cheated on you repeatedly and constantly yet you stayed. It's better than them growing up seeing this coldness between you and thinking it is the normal way to conduct relationships.

If this was a one-off, and he was showing genuine remorse, then I could understand why you thought you had a shot at saving the marriage. But to have done this to you many times shows that he does not experience genuine regret and is capable of treating you very shabbily indeed. I cannot see anything in his behaviour that suggests that he won't do it again or that this experience has miraculously changed him for the better.

@justfiveminutes its not as though I found out about each time separately, I discovered about them all at once and that it had been going on for years. It’s not as though I took him back after each occasion and it kept happening. But no it wasn’t a one off mistake. And I suppose he didn’t experience enough regret not to do it again even if he wasn’t found out before.
I think for the most part the fact he told me when he could have gotten away with the others is a good sign?
I am sorry you’ve also been through this.

This !!!
cheating is obviously a lifestyle for him

If intimacy was missing from your marriage it seems to me that he was seeking out these OWs for sex. I think you're muddying the waters worrying about if he loved the latest one or not. I'll probably be slated for this but men can be simple creatures, and if they crave intimacy, they will seek out the path of least resistance. Spending tens of thousands of pounds on another woman is appalling but this isn't necessarily a sign he was so deeply in love with her. Maybe that's what he subconsciously felt was necessary to maintain their sexual relationship. Who knows? But he's decided he wants to stay with you. It's not just for DC, not just to maintain his lifestyle, part of his reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose you.
Would you like to get back the intimacy in your relationship with him?

Yes he didn’t want to lose OP so much that he spent their entire marriage risking it by sleeping around…
he has no respect for OP. That is not going to change especially now she has allowed him to stay despite all of the above. Yes they’re always so ‘remorseful’ when they get caught, when it suddenly occurs to them there might be consequences for their actions. When things get back to a semblance of normality all the old problems will return. Shattering the trust in a marriage and confirming your flagrant disrespect for your partner cannot make it stronger.

it’s not genuine, he would have carried on had he not been found out and he had to be told to give up the latest OW. He also refuses to talk about her. Sounds like a hell of a lot of denial to me from both OP and her DH.

@Leadingtostories i think in an ideal world, yes, but because I am so disgusted by his behaviour I don’t know if I can fancy him again. I worry he will be thinking about OW. He didn’t seem hugely interested before and hasn’t initiated anything since. I don’t think he wants to push it if I’m not ready but also it doesn’t make me feel desired, understandably and especially given he was seeking sex elsewhere with younger women who physically were totally different to me!

There's no point in trying to make sense out of his behaviour. What it comes down to is his continuous disrespect of your relationship. He has cheated numeroud times. The cycle will not change and his behaviour will not change. You can change the course of your life by deciding to take control and leaving. Find strength in yourself and doing the right thing for your children. Don't spend your life with a person who doesn't deserve your love and partnership. He's proven to you completely he isn't who you believed

OP there is this myth that men can easily compartmentalize and only cheat for sex.
In reality it's very possible to get emotionally involved with someone you're physically intimate with.
If a man has a one night stands then he can easily also have longer affairs and very easily fall in love at some point too. That's why fidelity is so important and accepting any kind of cheating leads to escalating.

ZOMBIE THREAD

This is quite an old thread now so surprised to see it’s been resurrected!

by way of an update… we ‘reconciled’ for around 18 months after which time DH started becoming very emotionally distant and withdrawn again and just felt like something was up. Checked his phone and he’d been in touch with the latest OW. Don’t know what was said as it was a phone call he’d forgot to delete from his history.

couldn’t really deny he did have feelings for her then. Given it’s been so long. They weren’t seeing eachother as far as I could tell but who knows. But yeah. Whole reconciliation based on a lie. He’s welcome to her now, we’re getting divorced.

Such a shame you wasted the time trying only for it to end up in divorce anyway.

Good luck for the future