I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

If I were a betting man, ahem, I'd say DH clearly has form and will stray again and again.
Generally MN is idiotically trigger happy regards to LTB as it's wheeled out every time a poor bloke forgets to put the cap on toothpaste, but. And this is a big but, OPs DH is a serial cheater and will one day have his head turned to a degree that makes him want to bugger off with the new acquisition.
Then it would be too late for OP to get her fair share of 'pain-money' out of him as he'll have it all planned and safely hidden away, ready to start a new life with the new love.
My advice remains to find the best divorce lawyer and hit him where it hurts most, his wallet.
OPs DC are at age that can be better consoled over split, much more difficult with teens, exams, hormones etc.
You deserve a new happy life. Don't be afraid taking this big step.

OP, if you know in your heart he was in love elsewhere, then you know and need to stop doubting your instinct. And it makes it simpler to understand why he’s flat, emotionally shutdown and miserable right now - he has lost his OW, whom he clearly had feelings for.
In general, men who are serial cheaters don’t do well being single, so he isn’t going to leave you, not until another OW comes along and makes that easy for him. He is undeniably untrustworthy and duplicitous - that’s fundamental to his person.

All that said, frankly, why expend all this energy on analysing what him and second guessing his state of mind and what happened. He has unilaterally shown you how deceptive he is, how capable at living a double life he can be and how being in a monogamous and committed relationship is not suited to him. He might be in massive denial about being that person, but it is clearly not making him happy by pretending.

You can’t change what’s happened, you can’t change him and you will never know all the details - overly focusing on any of that is just self-harm in the end. So, what do you want for your life? What role models do your children deserve? Do you want them to grow up and remember a miserable home, full of arguing and instability?

Until he isn’t living in your home, simpering around you and feeling sorry for himself (!), then you’ll never had the headspace to think clearly and realise this is doomed.

OP, you need to rip off the plaster and ask him to move out. Regardless of whether you reconcile at some point - which IMHO would be a huge detriment to your self worth and long term happiness.

Go, your DHs behaviour sounds exactly like the Prime Minister's second marriage.

What an awful situation to be in, I’d highly recommend reading The State of Affairs by Esther Perel, she’s a US therapist who has researched infidelity extensively - her book is a good exploration of what happens to couples where infidelity is an issue and might help you get underneath the extreme betrayal and help you find a way forward and a way to recover.

Esther Perel is brilliant but in this situation, it doesn't really seem that DH truly wants to be with OP; he's pining after the OW whilst trying to make it work at home - for the sake of kids.
Perel suggests that reconciliation only works if the offending party feels true remorse, has no feelings left for affair partner and puts in gargantuan amount of work to make relationship whole again.
Not in this case.
OP, your life/ time is precious, don't throw it after the sunk cost of the life of betrayal your DH has made you endure.

She also offers some good insight to separating and recovering alone if that’s the decision the OP comes to.

Go. Obviously. Why do you need to ask.

Thanks very much for the help. I’ll definitely look into this.

I’m sorry to say but men don’t spend that amount on jewellery or gifts on another woman unless there was intention behind it. As in, real genuine feelings.
Sorry you’re going through it OP.

It sounds as if you NEED him to admit he loved her as if hearing it will bring you some clarity or closure.

The saying actions speak louder than words have never been more relevant than in this scenario.

You know he loves her still. You know he is done with your marriage and is staying for the kids. The counselling wont work since his heart isnt in it. But maybe he will have the courage to finally walk away from a situation that is hurting all of you.

When that happens OP you should let him be around for his kids. No offense but Im sure even you must appreciate the fact that he spent more time during your marriage cheating on you than actually being marrier shows this marriage was not the right decision for him. You say he has money though, thats good. As long as he supports you and the kids financially why do you need him to pretend to be happy in your marriage?

That way you two are free to find other people who will be a better match. Holding on to him so as not to lose him to the OW wont work. She already has his heart. Punishing him at home or controlling etc wont change didly squat about that.

This is over

I agree with the previous poster.
Noone would do what he did unless on some level he wanted out and probably has done for a long time. Did he ever even want in? Obviously not if he had cheated before you even got married!

not excusing what he’s done, but he is not behaving like his is in love with you. He is behaving like he is in love with someone else, or was before he got caught.

he might be saying all the ‘right’ things now, but there’s an external reason for that - trying to keep the peace, doesn’t want to lose in a divorce. Doesn’t want to risk not seeing the kids as much.

his true intentions and desires were reflected in how he was behaving before you knew. No one was forcing him into any of it. You can’t ignore that.

You’d both be happier with other people. So sorry you’ve suffered such a massive shock and betrayal but eventually you might come to see it’s opening you up to a relationship with someone who can love you properly.

Appreciate all the feedback on this.

in all honesty it’s been five months since d day and I don’t feel like there’s been that much progress. Just exhausted by it all.

Personally op I would play him at his own game - appear to be accepting of apologies etc whilst working out your own future. Ideally get the money set aside for 6 months of rent and living costs in case you have to fight for financial support plus get as much info on investments etc as possible as proof. Don't use your kids to demand things but remember to make him realise he needs to support his children to have a good lifestyle and they deserve it, equally you can say to him you are leaving so he can have the relationships he obviously wants and you can remain civil

Male perspective here - even if your wealthy there’s no way a guy would drop that amount of money on someone he wasn’t in love with. Jewellery as well is quite a meaningful gift.
plus it’s the difference with the latest and the rest. It wasn’t like that was a pattern of behaviour for him.
you know the answer. Why stay with a bloke who doesn’t love you.

well of course you’re exhausted by it all. He is a habitual liar and you will never, eve be able to trust him again. For the rest of your life together you will always have a doubt, ironically even if he stays faithful now you will always assume he is cheating, or considering cheating. Forevermore you would always have to check his phone, his email, his finances. Wondering whether he is where he says he is when he is late home. Your sex life might recover, but it may never recover. You will know you aren’t his one and only, and that he’s been in bed with another woman he cared about, so when he touches you, kisses you, you will wonder if he is thinking about her, you will wonder if he preferred touching her.

you can drive yourself mad with that stuff.

it is causing you emotional agony, you are tearing yourself in pieces. It would honestly be easier to “rip the plaster” off and tell him it is over. Devastating as that will feel right now, i don’t see how you can possibly keep this man in your life. Your kids can still have a relationship with their dad. It doesn’t mean you have to.

I think your statement was bang on: if he truly cared about the marriage, about you, about his family life he wouldn’t have had the affair. You know everything you need to know about this man and all of the information points toward divorce not reconciliation.

i think you need to ask yourself some questions.
Did he make you happy? Will you be happy again? Do you trust him? Why do you want him to stay?
Your children are young if he leaves they will be ok.
Personally I’m a massive overthinker and I am often slow to make a decision but I couldn’t put up with the serial cheating. He loves himself more than he could ever love anyone else.
Go to counselling with him or for your own benefit.

I know I can’t even contemplate having sex with him again right now. He hadn’t been initiating much for a long time (I now know why) and didn’t seem too bothered on that front (I now know why that is too!)

AP is also his exact physical type. Textbook. Says he loves me because ‘I am the mother of his children’ but not exactly all that romantic is it. Don’t feel like he desires me that way at all.

appreciate the input I think it just helps having an outside perspective and to sometimes reaffirm deep down what I know but I just question myself.

It's painful to see OP attempts to cling to the mirage of faint possibility that her DH will love her again. For us, spectators, reading the saga, it's obvious how it'll play out.

Hope is the last to depart.
I sincerely wish you happiness, whichever way it comes!

It all sounds exhausting and not at all fun. Life is supposed to be enjoyable. Partners are supposed to make you feel good. Get shot of him and imagine being able to spend your time having fun instead of worrying about him being an arse.

That was bloody tragic. Sorry for the sentimentality.

If he ever even did in the first place.

not like he was ever committed was it? If he was cheating before and for most of the marriage.

So many of my friends married their husbands in their early thirties just because they thought it's what they 'should' do. Most of them are now either miserable or separated.
Sounds like OPs DH was never invested from the outset and is probably now just staying out of duty, so no wonder he was susceptible to falling for someone else eventually.
His heart lies elsewhere OP. Hope you find a way forward.

You already ARE a 'single mum'. You just happen to share a house with a man who is physically and emotionally unfaithful. Your self esteem is down the loo, you're constantly anxious, figuring out how to 'get past it' or wondering why he's staying. That is no way to live and yes, your kiddos might be young but trust me, they'll know (if not now then in the years to come) that mum and dad are not happy.

You have the opportunity here to make a clean break, reduce the stress in your life and start over. You'll be ok financially. There is nothing to lose, other than a mid-placed sense of commitment to a man who's a cheat and a liar. I hope you can find the guts to get out. Don't let his rot destroy you. Best wishes to you!

Can I make a suggestion? You might have an idea in your head of how much money you would have post-divorce, so as a first step, get on the house apps and start looking and dreaming a little. Start to mentally build a life with your kids away from him and picture what that could look like. Imagine a life without all this fear and wondering, just free to be content in your own home, without all this constant heartache!

Thank you…
I think we would stay in the same house, as I don’t want to disrupt the kids’ lives if I can help it. I think maybe as a SAHM so much of my life has revolved around DH and the kids I find it hard to imagine what the future might look like. But I appreciate the advice and I could try to maybe picture what things could be like and try and stop feeling like I’ve lost myself in all this. I need to try and rediscover my identity outside of the marriage. Just feel so stuck right now.