I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

Are YOU really financially secure long term? Do you have your own money for retirement. What if he waits until children leave home and leaves you then and has another family? You should get legal / financial advice so you know what the likely outcome is if you left now or if he left you when children are older. You may find financially it is much better for you to go now.

Honestly OP, it doesn't matter if he loved her. You know what his love looks like. A worthless thing that brings no loyalty or decency, only lies and misery. This was not a one off falling in love for him, its part of a pattern of dishonest sneaky, sexual incontinence that in time would have resulted in her being you.
While you remain tied to this man you are losing out on the opportunity to be with someone who's love is worth having.

He doesn't want the marriage to end - but it's not for the reason most people would jump to (that he doesn't want to lose you/his family, etc.).

With that type of man they need a woman to slot into the wife/mother role so that they can get the hit from cheating on her.

They might get a hit from doing something secretive and getting away with it. They might get a hit from knowing that everyone thinks he's the family guy whilst really he's the lothario. They might get a hit from being 'clever' about hiding things from you. They might get a hit from knowing that there will always be someone to fit into the 'mother security' role (you) whilst they can push the boundaries of your love.

Your husband gets some sort of satisfaction from cheating on you which trumps the hit he gets from being a devoted and faithful husband to you. If you weren't there, he couldn't cheat. That's why he is staying with you. He will cheat again sooner or later.

Either feel your anger and get rid of him, or play the game smarter than he does. He is not your friend. There are plenty of men in the world who would not have treated you the way he has treated you.

Also, stop putting him at the centre of your thoughts. You are so concerned whether he loved her that you're forgetting to consider your own feelings in all of this.

Of course he didn't love her.

I know it shouldn’t matter if he did or didn’t but it’s just an entirely different thing for me to try and get over, even if we don’t stay together. I’m just trying to understand.

I guess that’s why I’m preoccupied with it right now. The wondering is horrific and I’ll never get the answers. He made out it was just sex initially but it clearly wasn’t. Obviously I can’t trust him.

whole marriage was a sham. I am struggling to move forward.

Ffs, stop being a doormat. Get rid of him, he is obviously incapable of keeping his dick in his pants.

The bottom line is do you want a life without him or not. Its about you and what you want in your circumstances. IMHO

It wasn't love. If he loved her he would have left you for her. It was just a fantasy. That sadness now is because he only has reality now. He's missing that escapism. But he'll find it again. For whatever reason, he seems to need another life to run alongside, but separately, to the one his family is in.

The truth is you will probably never know if he loved her. You have to go with what your gut says. It clearly wasn't just a fling. Maybe he didn't want to leave the kids. Upset his social standing.
The only thing you DO know for sure is that he can't have loved you, to have done this. That is a fact. It will not change.

I'm sorry to say but you need to leave.

Op sadly, I think regardless of if you want to continue the the marriage, he will leave eventually anyway. So I would thing it best to try to take control of the situation yourself. I can’t see how, after repeated affairs, you could ever trust him again or feel secure. I also don’t see the no contact with the most recent ap lasting.

I feel for you op. It must be such an upsetting and hard thing to find out.

I think if you don’t end the relationship it’ll end anyway, just after longer heart ache and more cheating.

I hope you have people to talk to irl who can offer emotional support.

Hes going to leave you anyway at some point whether for her or someone else. I'd divorce him now as amicably as you can while he's feeling guilty and get a great financial settlement, stay friendly for the kids and move on. You wont be a single mum- he will have to do his share as well. Let him go and ruin someone else's life. These men will never be faithful to anyone. Ever

“and I made him get checked for STIs. Thankfully all clear which is at least a small relief.”

But, have you actually got checked out for any STI’s that he may have passed onto you?

Did you accompany him to get tested and have you actually seen his results?
You should have gone to get tested together.

He’s likely to continue to sleep around and most probably still is, therefore, how often are you going to get checked out to check if he has given you an STI?

Basically, you can’t trust him as he’s a serial cheater who has cheated on you for most of your relationship, including when you were pregnant. He had also admitted to not using protection with this last OW (very much doubt she’ll be the last).
This was not a one-off. You are rarely intimate or haven’t been for a long time, so he will continue to look elsewhere for intimacy. He needs to take full responsibility for his multiple historic decisions to cheat on you as he made those decisions alone.

Both people should take responsibility for the lack of intimacy in their relationship. Men and women differ in this area. Most (and I say most, not all) women could either take it or leave it (sex), esp. during and after pregnancy, whereas most men are wired differently. It’s pure and simple biology. Men’s bodies obviously do not go through the physical and emotional changes that women go through during pregnancy and for a while after pregnancy. There are ways to work through and around this, that does not include having sex outside of your relationship as an option. A woman experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and raising shared young DC is not an acceptable excuse for a man to cheat on their partner.

It doesn’t matter how much money he makes, he is spending thousands of pounds of family money on other women.

I would bet good money she isn't interested in marriage/kids with him, and that's what makes her different.

That's what I thought too. If she's v attractive and young she prob has other eligible men after her who are not married with kids.

The affair is prob exciting for her and she might even have some feelings for him (esp Him buying her expensive car or whatever) but when reality hits and she thinks: do I really wanna settle down with an older man with kids and an ex wife? And she keeps looking. I bet she turned him down otherwise he would have left family home. X

Im sure others won’t agree but yes, I do.

@Sunshineandflipflops oh of course people regret their decisions and I'm sure some people regret their affairs. And they wish they could turn back the clock BUT there are so many other caveats in this: that partner might do it again if they get away with it once, the suffering partner will not have any trust going forward, no self confidence, etc.

Like you said, love is not enough. Just sad all around.

true, even if she had feelings for him I doubt it's in her interests to get involved in this long term!

I hate it when people say that vile louses like this are a "great dad". Great dads are faithful. They don't put the mother of their children at risk of STDs and worse. They don't rob money from the family to fund shagging.

Stop making excuses and see him for what he is.

obviously OP should end the marriage but clearly something like this is a huge shock. It changes your whole perception of everything when you discover something like this. It will take a while for it to sink in just how vile her husband actually is. Especially if you've been together for years and there was no indication before now?

No doubt OP knows deep down what to do. But it's just facing up to it.

My mum is coming over next week to help with DC over half term.
Will hopefully be able to get some space and think of next steps. I understand the advice to leave. He has been crying, begging to be allowed to stay. Even if he objectively wouldn’t be considered a ‘great dad’, DC adore him. It’s not always so simple. If we didn’t have kids it would be an easy decision. I just need to make sure whatever happens is right for them.

Thankfully right now they are 2 and 4 so too young to know exactly what’s going on but obviously that’s not sustainable if things carry on like this.

It's better to split while they're young op xxx

Sorry double post

Awww do what's right for the kids and drain yourself emotionally while at it.

All these people saying he didn't/doesn't love his AP, that it's just limerance etc. I had an affair and while it was the first and only time it happened in my marriage - unlike this case - the feelings I had for him were 100% genuine and real and not just the excitement of the affair. The same for him. And despite everything that has happened since, that love is still there and I can't see it ever changing. I have no idea what the OP's husbands 'real' feelings are, maybe he is incapable of loving another and only loves himself but the point is that none of us KNOW that.

The trust is broken he's done this multiple times and will do it again

And what the hell did he buy her???

Jewellery.

And gave her money for a car deposit.