I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

Apart from the affairs you say he's a good dad.
No he isn't.
He's spending a fortune on these women.
He should be spending it on his children.

Me and the kids are financially secure. That’s the one blessing in all this. I guess that’s why he hasn’t felt that much guilt at spending that sort of cash. Clearly not enough to not do it, anyway! maybe he thinks because he earns that much he is entitled.
makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. As I said previously sometimes I think it just hasn’t all really sunk in yet.

Sorry to hear that OP. Can you say more about the lack of intimacy? How long and was it driven by him?

im wondering whether that has been a key element and whether the two of you have discussed this.

Why is everyone egging a woman to leave her husband? OP, you were aware of multiple cases of his infedility and stayed anyway. Are you OK with him having occasional flings?

The only difference now is the new AP is young and very attractive? We don't know why he wants to stay with you, perhaps he does love you on some level, perhaps he wants to keep his family intact and continue with his other life in parallel, he might be just worried about children.
Personally I wouldn't be able to stay, but it doesn't mean it is black and white. If the fact of him having sex with someone else doesn't bother you that much (why else you have tolerated so many affairs before) that suggest open relationship

I’d say that as painful as a split wil be to start with
it is 100000000 times better than a life of misery

and he won’t change , his feelings won’t change
he won’t wake up one day and love you right

so it’s going to be more of the same
for decades

be free

Because multiple affairs suggests f*ckall respect for her which is pretty fundamental as an aspect of relationship, unless she’s ok with it (which she clearly isn’t)

No I didnt tolerate the others! I only found out after I asked about the most recent and it all came out. I’m obviously not ok even with something purely physical! It’s just the emotional element adds another layer of hurt. Maybe with a lot of time and work on his part I could have at least understood the sexual side.

sorry if that wasn’t made clear in the original post.

We had DD and DS quite close together. Intimacy obviously fell by the wayside. He works very long hours as well. Tbh after a while there wasn’t a huge amount of interest on either side on that front so I don’t know if it’s anyone’s ‘fault’, but it’s not like he tried to instigate all that much. But I guess I now know it’s because he was getting it elsewhere!

He had sez with multiple women.

Why is he with you if you're arguing and he has to go to counselling and generally be made to feel he's done wrong?

It's not out of any love for you but most likely to avoid an expensive divorce.

Go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling to end it with this nasty piece of work and ensure that you and your children are financially treated fairly.

Please find your anger.
He has cheated multiple times . That us horrendous.
The fact that he is able to spend tens of thousands of money that belongs to his family on another woman is appalling. You are young. There is a much,much better life waiting for you without this man.

I’m so sorry your going through this but I think he would get more respect for you if you actually left even just as a shock to his system maybe so he Noe’s what it would feel like to worry you might actually leave otherwise he will just view you as a doormat as hard as it sounds if you don’t do anything who’s to say WHEN it happens again he won’t leave you that time .. id rather be the one to leave than be left eventually again I’m sorry your hurting

Op, no-one wants to separate a chil/ren's family but he has done this, not you.

My ex had an affair and we had two children. We also had (what I thought was) a great marriage, lots of mutual friends, close family, etc. It still wasn't enough for him though and he had an affair (with a younger woman...surprise surprise). I was devastated but knew I couldn't remain married to him and constantly wonder where he was and who he was with. That's no way to live and it's no way for the kids to see you growing up.

No, it's not nice when parents split up and I'm sure no-one would choose it for the fun of it. But over 4 years later, I am happy, he is happy (I think) and our dc are happy. We have a good co-parenting relationship and that is all that matters. Part of me will always love him but love isn't enough to heal this kind of hurt.

Im not surprised to hear he earns alot of money, and would say that his attitude sees sex with multiple women as a reward for his seccess. This also means that his entitlement is unlikley to change.
He is able to still be a good dad irrespective of whether you are married or not.
The main thing I would consider is as someone said above - children often set their expectations of their own future relationships on information and example that they see demonstrated in their early lives - so what you are going through is what they will think of as normal. Ask yourself if you are happy for them to follow this pattern, these attitudes.
And if you split, the younger the kids the better - the less the dysfunction affects them, and you can reset their normal. In addition, if you are the main caregiver, then that would be reflected in the maintanance etc, because if he is earning alot, Im assuming he isnt doing hands on day to day parenting - most likely a bit of fun parenting at his own convenience

Oh dear, OP, you married a wrong'un there.

All his wistfulness might have nothing to do with loving the latest trophy, and more to do with wondering how bleak life will be without affairs to brighten things up.

To be honest he doesn't really sound capable of love, so I wouldn't worry about whether he feels it for you or someone else. He seems to be wired up to think the only reliable thing he needs to do in a relationship is earn money. Is that the way he was brought up (boarding school etc)? If so, consider whether that's the model you want to give your children.

If you're worried now about how much he does/doesn't value and appreciate
you, I'm afraid that's never going to get any better: this leopard won't be changing his spots. That deep-seated (and fully justified) anxiety will erode you over the years, if you stay. I do hope you will make another plan!

He's not a great Dad though is he? He habitually disrespects you, the mother of his children and uses women outside of the marriage for sex. What kind of message does that send the kids? Who cares how he feels, you need to protect yourself your future, your health and your children from this toxic relationship.

Please see him for what he is a liar and a cheat. No good dad disrespects their family and has an affair. Whatever he's spent on his "other" life is money he's taken away from the family purse and in turn the children. You can't forgive the unforgivable. You are young and deserve so much better. If you stay he will repeat this behaviour.

He will carry on doing this to you if you stay with him. Because it shows him there are no consequences to his behaviour. Its not a one off - at least you could try to reconcile for that - it's an ingrained pattern of behaviour.

My fiancé cheated, I moved out, we got back together and he did it again so I left him permanently. I basically rugswept and thought he'd never do it again. Afterwards, whilst sorting out our property he said he wasn't happy when I left. But what did he expect? Probably that he'd get away with it again!

Divorce him; get the best divorce solicitor money can buy. If he can give gifts worth £10K, you won't walk away with pittance.
He might seem much less attractive to little grabby rats when he has considerably thinner wallet.
Win-win for you.

Part of me will always love him but love isn't enough to heal this kind of hurt.

So sorry @Sunshineandflipflops do you think he also will always love you in some way? So shit that beautiful things get ruined because of a stupid irreversible mistake. X

Oh OP he doesn't love you. Not sure he's really capable of loving anyone - even his current affair partner, it's probably because he can't have her. I would bet good money she isn't interested in marriage/kids with him, and that's what makes her different.

He's a hollow man. To have cheated on you your whole marriage, with different partners takes a very scheming, calculating, manipulative personality - he isn't a good man. He uses money and success to control people because that's what drives him. And when your kids are older he will likely use money to control them too. Anyway, there is no happy ending with him. He doesn't respect you and so will always treat you with this contempt. In fact I'm sure he's messed up enough he'd love and respect him more if you told him to f* off and stopped holding onto the marriage. Not that you should ever reconcile with him.

Maybe the comfort of your lifestyle is why you did ignore some of the signs and also why you're struggling to let go. But you and your kids will be a lot happier with a bit less money but freedom from him, and your self respect intact. I think you should take your kids and go away for a little bit to get space and realise just how much of a lie the marriage has been. Being around him all the time will cloud your judgement.

I'm so sorry but 38 is young and you will be fine without him. He is not the last man you'll ever love.

This man is a serial cheater and won't stop. It may seem had for you and DCs to separate but believe me in time you will feel so much happier and can move on yourself

@fridaRose Im sure others won’t agree but yes, I do.

We loved each other from being 16 years old (in our 40’s now) and our whole lives were intertwined. I know some people can move on from affairs but I don’t believe personally that I could ever really, completely move on and that’s not a marriage I wanted or deserved to be in.

He stayed with the OW for a while but then they split up when his head was turned again. I wish him happiness…he’s not a bad person, just not a great husband.

he didn’t actually ask me to forgive him. He knew me better than that. Just left when I asked him to with his tail between his legs.

Thank you for your kind words. It is difficult when he is now seemingly doing all the ‘right’ things. He has expressed remorse. Cut off contact with AP. Is going to counselling. But I just don’t necessarily feel it is coming from a place of genuine love and he said he was staying, like that’s enough? Obviously I am still going to be out of my mind with worry and anxiety!!
For one thing I don’t see how we can ever be intimate again, the thought makes me feel
sick. I don’t know about the others but he was having unprotected sex with the most recent. Thankfully didn’t catch anything. And thankfully she didn’t get pregnant! But it just blows my mind.
I can’t see how you could put a bomb like this in the middle of a marriage if you didn’t want it to end on some level?!

as for recent AP, sadly I get the impression they were very emotionally involved with one another. She hasn’t tried to restart anything though.

Him being checked to for stis and clear now is meaningless (and frankly how can you believe him?!) you really need to get tested yourself

He cannot be trusted.

I raised dd as a single mum after my ex cheated. I won't say it was easy as such - but it was a lot easier than if I'd stayed and also had to deal with forgiving some selfish man who couldn't even be loyal!

I can’t see how you could put a bomb like this in the middle of a marriage if you didn’t want it to end on some level?

Arrogance.

He either never thought you'd leave him and / or doesn't care particularly if you end up leaving him.

He is not a good man.

He is not emotionally safe for you to be around.