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Original poster

I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

246 replies

Jolie654 · 26/05/2022 23:38

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

OP posts:
ProfessorFusspot · 27/05/2022 15:54

It sounds like he's done the minimum given that the thing that's changed everything is HIS huge betrayal of YOUR trust. If he'd done any less - refused to apologise, refused counselling, said he's only staying for the children - it would probably be easier to leave. I think it's possible in SOME cases to reconcile after cheating, but it's a LOT of work, for both people. He HAS to really want it and to be open and honest with you. If you can't trust he's telling you the truth and not hiding things, there's nothing to rebuild on.

Are the two of you in counselling together? Can your counseller help facilitate some discussions about why he wants to stay together, how he sees the future, whether he still has feelings for this woman and might act on them, and whatever else you want to know? It might be helpful for you to make some sense of things even if you decide not to stay, and having worked through things could also help if you split as you'll want to keep as civil a relationship as possible for the children if you do split up.

izzie3211 · 27/05/2022 16:02

OP if he's buying her expensive jewellery and gifting money at that level I think you probably know the answer already. A one off fling could maybe be reconciled with work. Usually when there are feelings involved though that level of betrayal is irreconcilable. And just staying together/ living together is not the same as reconciliation.
You will always feel second best.
You will always be wondering if he is cheating again.

Also you said he tried to protect her when you found out? If he didn't confess the emotional part up front that is even more of a red flag. I'm guessing he was too much of a coward to admit to that!!! So much easier to say it was 'just sex'!! You're obviously not convinced by him saying he is committed and wanting to stay, for obvious reasons! He might be saying it meant nothing now but he is going to say that to keep the peace!! The fact is he got caught and would have carried on otherwise.

There is no other way out but to end this. Forget about the OW she can have him. Work out what you want. And you should want more than this.

Original poster
Jolie654 · 27/05/2022 16:16

ProfessorFusspot · 27/05/2022 15:54

It sounds like he's done the minimum given that the thing that's changed everything is HIS huge betrayal of YOUR trust. If he'd done any less - refused to apologise, refused counselling, said he's only staying for the children - it would probably be easier to leave. I think it's possible in SOME cases to reconcile after cheating, but it's a LOT of work, for both people. He HAS to really want it and to be open and honest with you. If you can't trust he's telling you the truth and not hiding things, there's nothing to rebuild on.

Are the two of you in counselling together? Can your counseller help facilitate some discussions about why he wants to stay together, how he sees the future, whether he still has feelings for this woman and might act on them, and whatever else you want to know? It might be helpful for you to make some sense of things even if you decide not to stay, and having worked through things could also help if you split as you'll want to keep as civil a relationship as possible for the children if you do split up.

He is in counselling. We’re starting couple’s therapy next week but the problem is in a way he has already lied to me since I found out. He denied any feelings for most recent AP but then I found out about the gifts and money. I know he contacted her at least once again after I thought he had definitively ended it. He said it was different with her but won’t elaborate on how. It just doesn’t add up.
he says the right things, he begs to stay, apologises, says he loves me etc and is on ‘best’ behaviour because he is obviously feeling so guilty but I just don’t feel it or believe him. He can be very emotionally distant. If I get upset or angry as I’m obviously going to be he will eventually just shut down, like he just can’t deal with it.
Maybe couples therapy will help but I just can’t trust anything he says right now. The only reason I know he isn’t in contact with AP at the moment is because I have access to everything but am I going to be checking up on him forever? Just don’t know if I can get that trust back.
plus I’m guessing now the gravy train has stopped she isn’t as interested. Who knows.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 27/05/2022 16:29

The thing is if you don't leave him, one day he WILL leave you. Perhaps when your children are grown up. You will have wasted your 30s and 40s feeling unhappy and betrayed and you will be left in your 50s to pick up the pieces.

Iamtheweedonkey · 27/05/2022 16:32

Jolie654 · 26/05/2022 23:38

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

Op, you know he has had many affairs, please walk away! Have some self respect and leave this man. He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you.

DeliaOwens · 27/05/2022 16:53

OP. When you are in counselling together, you need to get out into the open his feelings for AP and how he feels about you. You equally need to lay out how you feel about him. You have a long road ahead and you both need to want this. In parallel with counselling, start putting together your 'financial healthcheck' documents. Better to be safe than sorry.

The counselling conversations will be uncomfortable, painful and likely a crying snot fest will accompany you in the sessions. However, you both need to be clear about the possibility and probability of saving your marriage. Marriages can be rebuilt but they take a new form. It will never be the same but that doesn't mean it can't be good. However, it needs 100% commitment from both partners.

Another2022 · 27/05/2022 17:02

You can cope as a single mum.

The alternative is accepting he’ll sleep around and probably leave you at some point.

candyflossxox · 27/05/2022 17:13

Once a cheat always a cheat!!!! You would be a fool to stay. You deserve way better.

Sofacouchboredom · 27/05/2022 17:20

@Jolie654 get yourself on surviving infidelity.

There 'just found out' board is brilliant and they will help.

I thought from your original post that you'd known about all his previous affairs but I can see it's all come tumbling out together (which does put a different spin on it for me). I do know people who have come back from this BUT it's a lot of work on both sides and has to involve fundamental change from the cheat.

Has he got that in him? Many if not most don't.

I know you think he's remorseful, i don't know any cheat who was remorseful, they were just desperately trying to damage control. Surviving infidelity can help you really understand what true remorse looks like and whether it's worth the pain and hard work of reconciliation.

Individual and marriage counselling is a good start. Affair recovery is a great site for him if he genuinely wants to change, their videos are fantastic.

I really can't recommend surviving infidelity enough, full of people who've walked your shoes and can help you unpick the minefield you find yourself in!

Flowers
spinachmonster · 27/05/2022 17:29

I think your life will be much much better and much much happier without him. So sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

CambsAlways · 27/05/2022 17:39

Bloody hell! How can you even think of putting yourself through this! You have found out he’s a Serial cheater! No respect for you whatsoever, I fail to see where he’s a great dad as great dads do not cheat on the mother of there children! Your post makes me feel physically sick, what a complete scumbag, but you are willing to put up with it! Have you lost your self esteem, what is this teaching your child! Stop being a doormat. He’s not going to stop is he, this is how he is, give your head a wobble op do you really want to live like this, you have one life,

izzie3211 · 27/05/2022 17:53

Is there even any love left in this marriage? Even before the discovery it sounds like things weren't great. Maybe on a surface level for the kids, but if there is no genuine love there, what are you even fighting for?

SandyY2K · 27/05/2022 18:04

It wasn't love. If he loved her he would have left you for her.

Nonsense. Just because he didn't leave, doesn't mean he didn't love her.

Divorce is expensive and he doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

He's a serial cheat obviously.

Cheating began before marriage.

He had no intention of being faithful to you. The OW probably saw him as a sugar daddy.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2022 18:11

The only reason I know he isn’t in contact with AP at the moment is because I have access to everything

You don't think he has any other means of contacting her...he goes to work... so you have access to his company phone and emails?

He could send messages and delete them, before you got a chance to see.

If he wants to contact her, he WILL. All the policing in the world won't stop it.

Cheaters are usually regretfully, because they've been caught out... what makes you say he's remorseful?

He's begging to stay, but if you cheated before marriage and had all the affairs he's had, do you think for a minute he'd be still with you.

Threetulips · 27/05/2022 18:19

you don’t spend that amount of money on someone you don’t care about. Ridiculous

But half that money is yours - just given away.

You know he’s going to leave as soon as he’s licked his wounds don’t you.

MrMrsJones · 27/05/2022 18:38

Get a SHS and get out this dead marriage, he doesn't respect you and will start his new affair as soon as the bed is cold.

lolarose193 · 27/05/2022 19:43

If there was hardly any intimacy before, do you really think there's any hope of that returning now?

Once the guilt has worn off he'll be out looking for his next fix. He's hardly going to stay in a sexless or near sexless marriage. You shouldn't want that either. You deserve better.

LellyLov · 27/05/2022 20:10

Does he have access to a phone in work or has he got another phone you don’t no about to contact her on .. would she be honest with you not to see him still if she sees him as abit of a cash machine I don’t think she would as sad as it is to say

Original poster
Jolie654 · 27/05/2022 20:14

LellyLov · 27/05/2022 20:10

Does he have access to a phone in work or has he got another phone you don’t no about to contact her on .. would she be honest with you not to see him still if she sees him as abit of a cash machine I don’t think she would as sad as it is to say

I now have access to all the accounts so I’d see if any money went missing/ what he’s spending it on.

OP posts:
LellyLov · 27/05/2022 20:38

i Think if he’s give you access to everything and you can find it in your heart to forgive him and trust him again then do what’s best for you and your family I hope you get through this at some point it might not feel like it now but one day you will

WhatDoIDoNow3 · 28/05/2022 00:31

Jolie654 · 27/05/2022 20:14

I now have access to all the accounts so I’d see if any money went missing/ what he’s spending it on.

Show quote history

But by needing the access the trust is gone? Do you not see that?

TheGetaway · 28/05/2022 07:36

But by needing the access the trust is gone? Do you not see that?

Posters always trot out this line about when the trust has gone …….
The trust has gone, but can you not see that it can be regained?

Comtesse · 28/05/2022 07:55

But why even try to regain trust with a sleaze like this? Who cares if he is crying and apologising now? Too much milk has been spilt to just try and go back to normal.

OP are you having solo counselling? Think that could be more important than joint sessions. Sorry you are in the middle of all this Flowers

Sofacouchboredom · 28/05/2022 07:58

'But by needing the access the trust is gone? Do you not see that?'

OP (and her husband fwiw) is doing exactly what she should be re guidelines for healing after an affair. Access to all devices is considered great practice. It is one step to allowing trust to be rebuilt. It's not perfect as someone pointed out, it is open to abuse but it's a start.

As for trust, trust can be rebuilt by the cheat working to bd a safe partner. I know of many couples who've rebuilt their trust. It's not naive it's a more honest trust. But it involves the cheat working HARD and many don't want to.

@Jolie654 please ignore the comments about you being weak or having no self respect. I know very well the shock you will be in and how you're paralysed with fear and trying to hold your young family together, that's nothing to be ashamed of but everything to be proud of. You don't have to make any decisions, if he truly is willing to go into counselling and no contact is established you can watch and wait for a bit. But that does come with a huge side warning of how he much he needs to fundamentally change his selfishness and entitlement and even if he dies this could be a deal breaker for you and no one could blame you for that. Flowers

Original poster
Jolie654 · 28/05/2022 08:37

Sofacouchboredom · 28/05/2022 07:58

'But by needing the access the trust is gone? Do you not see that?'

OP (and her husband fwiw) is doing exactly what she should be re guidelines for healing after an affair. Access to all devices is considered great practice. It is one step to allowing trust to be rebuilt. It's not perfect as someone pointed out, it is open to abuse but it's a start.

As for trust, trust can be rebuilt by the cheat working to bd a safe partner. I know of many couples who've rebuilt their trust. It's not naive it's a more honest trust. But it involves the cheat working HARD and many don't want to.

@Jolie654 please ignore the comments about you being weak or having no self respect. I know very well the shock you will be in and how you're paralysed with fear and trying to hold your young family together, that's nothing to be ashamed of but everything to be proud of. You don't have to make any decisions, if he truly is willing to go into counselling and no contact is established you can watch and wait for a bit. But that does come with a huge side warning of how he much he needs to fundamentally change his selfishness and entitlement and even if he dies this could be a deal breaker for you and no one could blame you for that. Flowers

Thanks for your support. It’s not that I’m not angry, obviously I’m furious. I am just caught between kicking him out, to being terrified, so I just don’t know how I feel half the time and don’t want to make decisions on that basis.
the reason I have difficulty in regards to whether he loves her I’d because even with Therapy, and changing his behaviours, and expressing remorse, giving me access to everything, trying to rebuild trust… at the end of the day, he fell in love with someone else. Or certainly seems that way. That’s not just deception or disrespect but a fundamental sign there is nothing salvageable and all the therapy in the world won’t fix it. It might work for a while in terms of living together, but not forever.

the fact he protected her, won’t be truthful about how he felt, still seems to miss her. She is exactly his ‘type’ in every way… the fact I picked up on such a change in him… It’s all that I’m struggling with over and above the other stuff which I think he is genuinely remorseful about though it goes without saying I struggle with that too!

I guess that’s why it seems I’m preoccupied with the ‘wrong’ issue but it’s not that at all. I know everything else is more than bad enough to get rid!!! But this is the one thing I’m just worried can’t be fixed if we were to want it to. It’s happened. There is no taking it back and he’s not just suddenly going to go back to loving me, if he ever even did.

OP posts:
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