I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

His reasons appear to be not wanting to suffer the embarrassment of divorce, the inconvenience caring for his own children and household and the loss of an in-home caretaker who is prepared to accept an emotionally distant, low-sex relationship with a man who is screwing his way through half the town.

He has never shown me any disrespect in any other way.

He wasn't making an effort in your intimate life.
He's been emotionally distant.
He's spent what should be shared relationship income on affairs.
He's exposed you to STDs.
I doubt he was contributing equally to childcare and housework while he was putting his job first and leaving you financially vulnerable.

Seems like rather a lot of disrespect to me.

But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

He's not 'trapped', he CHOSE to get married! He's just a worthless fuckabout who

*who is happy to make a vow without meaning a word of it.

Who cares if he loves her? If she goes away he'll replace her with someone else. He's not doing this because he caught feelings for a particular woman-he just likes fucking around. There is no hope for your relationship.

Go. Now.

Dont waste your life on him.

He doesn't respect you. He has cheated before and will do again.

You do not trust him.

You and your children deserve better than a man who spends his spare time and money on other women.

He is not thinking about you or the children, just himself.

Walk away, and leave him to it.

Op… this is NOT about what he wants and what he feels, this is about what YOU want and feel.

You cannot stay with someone you don’t trust because he wants to, you need to stay because YOU want to. It is fine not to stay if you don’t feel like it, do not stay for the children either, that messes them for life, don’t stay for the standard of living either, you will find a way to cope and live your life and happy. Be reassured that taking the decision to leave is far far more difficult than dealing with the consequences of leaving.

OP please have some self worth, it doesn't matter that this was more emotional as well s physical - the physical side should be more than enough to leave and he's been doing it with numerous women.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but there is no saving the marriage, be strong x

I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go

GO!

He's absolutely vile. Get rid of the cheating bastard - the ow can have him and he'll be cheating on her soon enough. You're only 38, dont waste more time with that bastard.

You have nothing to consider unless you want to expose your children to this. They will find out their father is a cheat and will be upset for you and will teach them unhealthy stuff about your children.

Also unless you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about what he's doing and who with, break up with him.

And also you'll end up feeling absolutely worthless.

Good luck op.

I guess that’s the closest way you could describe it. He said he never lied to them about being married. Suppose it was his way of getting what he wanted without it getting complicated. Ie. Them expecting anything more.
And I never suspected about the others, I did with the most recent, I guess because there must have been feelings involved he found it more difficult to hide, emotionally speaking. That’s why I went looking and then he confessed everything. But I didn’t know the full nature of the latest one until more recently, ie, that he obviously had feelings for her, even that he tried to hide. Tried to protect her. So again, another blow.
Just don’t know what’s what at the moment. Been so blindsided by this. Obviously. Trying to keep it together as much as possible for DC.

and I made him get checked for STIs. Thankfully all clear which is at least a small relief.

@Jolie654 I totally understand the prospect of becoming a single parent is completely overwhelming - my husband also had an affair and left me with two tiny children. However in many senses it is the most powerful thing I have ever done, and you WILL manage. As others have said more forcefully, you do deserve more than this, but I get that the prospect of the rug being pulled under everything you know is terrifying. Just need to take it day by day. Being out of a relationship is ultimately a far nicer position than being in one that is a sham x

@Jolie654 I'm reconciled after my husbands affair which was emotional as well as sexual. He truly believed at the time he was in love now he recognises it as limerance, it makes him shudder. It can be done.

BUT your husband is a serial cheat. He has lied to you for years. He has abused your trust for years. He has put your health emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally at risk for his own for his kicks. He has put the mother of his children at his. He's unsafe for you and utterly selfish and entitled at his core.

You can't square this hole. You brush this under the carpet and you're setting yourself up for more of the same.

You're modelling marriage, love, commitment to your children, and this is far from modelling what they need to see.

I don't mean to be blunt, I know it's painful, but this man is utterly disgusting, no matter what he pleads and begs right now. He is not safe for you, he is not safe for the mother of his children.

I'd get my ducks in a row and show him my worth if I were you!

No, he didn't love her/them.
He loves one person only and that's himself.
He is teaching your children that women put up and shut up and men fuck anything that moves. Then lie and lie and lie again to the mothers of their children.
He won't change.
But you can.

Thank you for your support. At least your husband faced up to the reality of his situation. Mine denied his feelings for most recent AP to me, tbh it seems like he is denial about it to himself, you don’t spend that amount of money on someone you don’t care about. Ridiculous. Either that or he is too much of a coward to admit it. Didn’t do it with any of the others and he generally doesn’t just throw cash around like that for the sake of it, not even on himself. He earns a lot but is careful with money generally.

in which case without any honesty in any respect on that front don’t see how we can move forward, can’t trust him obviously when he says he didn’t love her. And it’s been a fairly long time since and he still seems to miss her. Maybe I’m imagining it. Don’t know could just tell something had changed, which is why I got suspicious. I guess it doesn’t really matter if he did or didn’t doesn’t change what happened.

and then obviously all the others before which weren’t full blown emotional affairs. But you’re right it doesn’t matter. Just struggle to get my head around it.

Oooof, I’m so sorry op, how utterly bloody awful for you. Firstly I would say that research suggests it takes 2-5 years to get over an affair. You only found out “months” ago, so give yourself a break about not being “over it”. But, secondly I would say that this was NOT “an affair”. It wasn’t a one off, or a drunken mistake or completely out of character. This is who he is. Someone who is entirely comfortable with deceit, lies and deception, who can smile whilst lying to your face and risking your health and happiness. It probably comes from extremely deep seated insecurity and a desperate need for the ego boost and validation of different women wanting to shag him. Or, he’s just a narcissistic, amoral Twat. Either way, this is the behaviour he CHOSE and he did not give a shit about the effect he knew it would have on you, your children or your family. He has shown you who he is, believe him. I understand the thought of being a single parent is scary, but it’s NOT worse than the thought of living with someone who can treat you and your children like this. You and your dc deserve far, far more. Go out and get it, for all of you.

OP - you sound very enmeshed with your husband, which is understandable but it's colouring your views as to what to do. Try to get some space. You don't need his shit in your life. It won't be easy going it alone but it will be worth it.

I don't know if he loves her, but he clearly doesn't love you because to truly love someone you've got to respect them and having multiple sexual relationships outside of the marriage shows he doesn't respect you.

Respect yourself and get out. He'll keep doing it, it'll never stop. It's not an example to set your kids. You're a doormat.

@Jolie654 affairs are fantasy situations and the last type of affair your husband had sounds limerant.

Read 'leave a cheat gain a life' read that from cover to cover. It'll stop this thinking that affairs are some kind of romantic dalliance they're not, they're grim, even if 'feelings' are involved.

Then Google Frank Pittman beyond betrayal, it's an article that lists different types of affairs. Your husband seeks out a few. This one's not special, his brain has just ramped up the highs he's getting from it by adding an emotional element.

Your husband needs huge amounts of work on himself. He is broken for want of a better word. Unless he's prepared to get into counselling and read endlessly on affair psychology, he'll more than likely not change. Although I don't agree with once a cheat always a cheat, I do see it played out time after time with people who don't do serious amounts of introspective work to become safe partners.

I do understand how utterly painful the thought of breaking up is, but tbh for your own mental/sexual safety I don't think you have a choice.

LTB. That is not something I say lightly, but honestly why are you even considering staying with this man?

@Jolie654

Posting as someone who stayed with my DH following his long term affair, you really do need to finish this marriage for your own sanity. You’re setting yourself up for a life of misery, resentment and anxiety.

You are worth more than this and the quicker you ‘rip off the plaster’ the sooner you will recover and move on to a happier,
calmer life.

You know what you need to do.
**Good Luck

How can it be out of character when you say he has been unfaithful the whole time you have known him ? That's not out of character it IS his character ! Get some self respect and kick him out. Take him for every penny you can and show your kids you are strong and won't be treated like a doormat. Build a new life If you stay he will see you a being a pathetic pushover. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Get angry and do what you need to do. He is not a nice person or a good father because if he was he would not have done the things he has done.

Jolie, my heart goes out to you.

Your H has been trashing your marriage and family for years with his sleazy affairs and financial abuse. He mocked your trust and robbed your consent, and risked your and at least one of your children’s health. He’s actually a terrible father.

He doesn’t sound remorseful, which does not bode well for successful reconciliation. He is still putting much emotional distance between you, and is clearly pining for OW. You can’t live with that.

Jolie, staying with this serial cheat who craves illicit sex/ego validation will diminish you beyond recognition. He has significant character deficits that enable him to repeatedly lie and cheat, and this will not change. He will never be a safe partner, and your children will be learning a very damaging relationship model. Don’t you all deserve much better?

I think whether he loved her or not is irrelevant. He will do it again. And again. And again. That’s all you need to be thinking about. Do you want to be that woman? The bottom line is he doesn’t respect you, nor love you, or he’d keep his junk in his pants.

and how dare he give family money to some woman he’s shagging?! Are you not outraged about that? Tens of thousands that could be given to your children, for their education or to set them up as adults.

Oh please get this sorted with a solicitor. Starr with a phonecall to a family lawyer. Get some advice. I'm a single parent. Left 3 years ago. Most empowering thing I've ever done.

He won’t change, do you want your life to be like this for the next 10/20/30 years, affair after affair, what do you want your children’s lives to be like, seeing mum upset? They will pick up on the tension. We are only here once, life is too short to live like this IMHO. I have had friends in the past, who have held a marriage together while the children grow up, and they all look back with regret. It’s just not worth it for the price you have to pay. Do what’s right for your family.