I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

With a small mortgage, and a job that puts in the upper level of earners in this country you are either making up this moaning thread as a piss take or you are the textbook definition of someone who seriously needs to count their blessings.

It’s not a piss take, im completely isolated from people I’ve grown up with and know through my work.

I am not saying I can’t afford to live, I’m saying I am socially the odd one out and finding it hard.

I agree. Count your blessings as you are very, very lucky

This! 👌🏿

Op, really?

is your thread seriously ‘I only earn 65k and can’t keep up with my really rich friends’?

Sort your finances out, if you want more spare money. I earn well now. But only 4 years ago I was a single parent on 25k and managed to have a bit of spare money.

You are either staggeringly shallow yourself or are surrounded by the same.
Hopefully it's the latter and you can find new friends.

But you aren’t. I have friends who earn less and earn more. Some seem to splash the cash, some are frugal.

Some directors at work have Bentleys or Porsches. Some don’t. Some have huge houses, some don’t.

I don’t believe everyone you know at work earns more than you and it’s such a big part of their life, you can’t get on with them.

you obsession with money is what’s isolating you.

I put my salary to explain the extent to which this is a social problem. Even on a high salary I am unable to even remotely keep up with any of these people.

I am not saying I don’t have spare money, my post wasn’t about that.

Its just very hard to feel like you have little in common with your entire social world and I am not handling it well. I am embarrassed to even invite anyone to my house as they quite literally all live in huge homes and most work very little.

@Andromachehadabadday I do get on with these people but I feel left out of a lot of the things they do.

There are so many people who work really hard and struggle to pay their bills, struggle to feed their children. People who would see a terraced house as a palace and would be so happy with any car at all.

Earning £65k and having a house with just 1/3 of the mortgage paid off makes you very, very fortunate. Yes maybe you've worked hard for it. And as a result you are comfortable. Lots of people work hard and have nothing to show for it.

You are either managing your money badly or are being really shallow and trying to keep up with other people who don't matter (and may also be really shallow).

Do you measure success on house size and how new someone's car is?

Sorry that should have said 'just 1/3 of the mortage TO pay off'

Then maybe it's your social circle at fault and that needs to change. I know people twice your age who earn half what you do; equally younger people who earn six figures. We don't "talk money" so actually I'm guessing the latter, but nobody cares either way.

AA is a fantastic equaliser 😀

It’s not a measure of success I guess but more that i feel I have nothing much in common. I AM the odd one out turning up in an old car. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. I just want to melt into the background and I don’t because I don’t share their lifestyles anymore.

Are you out of your skull?

Yours is a life that millions of people can only dream of. Stability, security, luxuries, independence, a great job. But you're unhappy because in their early thirties your parents had a huge house and only had to work occasionally as they chose? If you don't see how fucking ludicrous that is, that you are measuring yourself against the ability to basically never work at all, which is only an option for 0.0000001% of people who have scads of family wealth, then your upbringing has done you no favours at all.

Start volunteering in a food bank or something, like yesterday. The only thing wrong with this situation is that apparently your parents raised you to be obsessed with money and "stuff".

I get it OP, i went to private school- for reasons outside of my control i.e. losing my mother young, orphaned by 20, alcoholic father I never fulfilled the vocation achievements I should have on paper. Yes compared to the National average wage I'm doing better but I have friends soaring towards 100k, likely to marry people with high salaries, own million pound houses.

Well either find friends that accept you for who you are, and not the car you drive/house you live in.
Or spend your £10k savings on a new car?
Could you sell your house and buy a bigger one?

Its just very hard to feel like you have little in common with your entire social world and I am not handling it well. I am embarrassed to even invite anyone to my house as they quite literally all live in huge homes and most work very little.

If you were at private school, or even if you weren't, you won't have been the richest or with the biggest house would you? I don't understand why it would bother you now. I can't imagine your old friends care unless they're extremely shallow.

I'm struggling to understand this.

I’m not saying that I am poor or unable to feed myself or that there aren’t masses of problems in the world that make this a non problem.

Im not sure why everyone bar one poster is being so unkind. I don’t only value ‘stuff’ as one poster put it. I feel hugely uncomfortable because literally all my social circle have very different lifestyles.

It’s not a ‘problem’ in a typical sense but I feel really uncomfortable and left out and that’s why I posted.

I am not sure there is any point me posting further as I have clearly been misunderstood.

Change your social circle, then.

Decide to adjust your attitude.
Decide to learn to recognise your privilege and count your blessings.
Decide to connect with some people who have to work to keep a roof over their heads, like 99.9% of the population do.

What are you currently spending your money on that is leaving you with such little savings?

What social activities are your friends doing that you cant keep up with?

So you pay for your house on your own? Is the mortgage just in your name? If so, can't you see that your sister's £600K house was bought between two people and if they split up she'd only get around what you have now?

If you are paying for all bills yourself then that's why you don't have as much spare money as others. It's really expensive paying for everything yourself.

I think it is just a case of you needing to reframe things in your mind. This might be easier said than done, particularly if you’re being pressurised by others.

You are in a fab position - small mortgage left to pay, good education, high salary, savings. The rest of the stuff is just trimmings really. The flash cars you see other people drive might be leased or have high monthly repayments. The expensive handbags may have been brought on credit.

Don’t try and keep up with others, you’re already doing just great.

I’m from a wealthy background (parents wealthy and dad had a high profile job): I went to private school etc. My career choice (nurse) and life circumstances (lone parent of 2) mean that my situation is very different from many of my peers. I’m in a small rental. The car I drive is leased via a work scheme (it was cheaper for me to do this). HOWEVER…I have my health, I am able to work and keep a roof over my head, my children are healthy/happy/settled, my job is secure, the place we live in is safe. I am lucky to be able to manage costs of living.

socially, I’m the odd one out of my peers. But I don’t care, people can take me as I am. You’ve done well for yourself, just try and reframe things.

PS FWIW, my parents never cared about flash cars, large houses, designer gear and keeping up with the others etc. There’s no need to do it at all!

Op it's probably because you are single, another 60k salary would make a difference.

I do know what the OP means, we earn well & have a home in a nice area (only because its gentrified since). I feel very out of step with new neighbours & other school parents because of the family wealth behind them. It's all very 200k gift to move up the ladder or renovations. So despite professionally being in similar circumstances our lives are very different My actual friends are more like me luckily!

Im not sure why everyone bar one poster is being so unkind. I don’t only value ‘stuff’ as one poster put it. I feel hugely uncomfortable because literally all my social circle have very different lifestyles.

Nobody is being unkind.

I think it's a confidence issue, if anything.