I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

@thejadefish
I don't know if you have a table you eat at (don't worry if you don't the kids can picnic on a rug while you have the sofa) but we have a square table that seats 4. If there are more with kids siblings etc we squeeze on a couple of camping chairs or little ones on knees. I'd love a bigger table or an extending one but no room. It won't be long for you before some parents will want to drop off!

I had a lovely friend (only lost touch because we moved regions) and she was very social but on a low income. She often had (cook in the oven) "BBQs" she invited family and friends and asked them to bring their meat and a few bits. We'd take our meat (just sausages/burgers nothing fancy) and what we needed plus a little, buns, Ketchup, crisps whatever. No airs and graces - we had all been to the local Aldi! I though she was wonderful and I miss her. I know you are not in that situation and could cater if you wanted to but if anyone thought "huh I'm not going - asked to bring my own food" it would be their loss!

Give over. You have less disposable income than others you know because you own most of your house, own your car outright and pay 8% into your pension. If you are so worried about keeping up with the Joneses and would like a flash home, car and holidays you can remortgage, lease a car and reduce your pension contributions. This is not rocket science. Try thinking this issue through logically like a solicitor and stop the pity party before you get handed the world’s smallest violin.

I think also you need to reframe and

maybe change your life in some small ways

the problem with people with this lifestyle is they tend to be very entitled and don’t realise how privileged they are

so they are pretty crap to hand around with
and they have terrible narrow views on what’s right and normal

minimise interactions and make
some change , make new friends , maybe work in a different legal sector

there way is not the only way

OP I'm guessing you may have paid off much more of your mortgage and put more into your pension. And/or have received less from relatives who are rich/dead/both.

Give it another twenty years and you may have early retirement in your sights. When your friends say you are lucky and they wish they too could retire, either make a sympathetic face or go,
"Hey! If you traded in the Jag for something like my Kia, that would surely bring your retirement forward a couple of years!" as if it never could have occurred to them 😈.

"@Travisk In contrast - I own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings".

OP, you sound like a woman of great substance and a formidable one at that. You are doing just fine and will be beholding to no one.

Read Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton. It might comfort you

This

It is unclear why@Allsnotwell has resurrected this old thread.