I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

You earn £3,800 a month.

You are wealthy. Very much so.

Look. Compared to you OP I'm not well off.

I'm only part time (in a job I enjoy) for serious health reasons and earn approx £1k a month plus get £250 a month PIP.
But I own a 2 bedroom house worth £300k and due to previously having a good career, only have a £90k mortgage on it.
I'm not allowed to drive so no worries about what car I have.
I do have £3k in savings from a small inheritance left which I use for holidays & home improvements.
Plus I do also have a lovely Dad who helps me out with certain bills eg my cats recent dental vet procedure.

You, OP, would say I'm 'poor' but I consider myself rich despite having to watch the pennies.
I can hold my head up high amongst everyone.
Because Ive managed to own most of my home, and I work hard within my capabilities.

But mainly because I've got amazing close friends & family & we don't judge one another whatever our circumstances and that's what matters most...

This is the bit that stood out for me. Thinking you are the odd one out because you drive an old car. Your feelings of awkwardness and feeling left out are entirely your own I feel. My husband is a high earner - you would never know. He drives the most clapped out old VW Polo ever to exist because he just doesn't really give a shit and it gets him from A to B and he doesn't want to waste money on a bit of metal.

I have never known how much money my friends earn but I have an inkling due to the nature of the job and where they work. I have one circle of friends where one is perhaps on about £45k (very highly qualified in the NHS) and another who perhaps is on about £300k (Finance) and to be honest you would never know which one was which. I think you need to change your circle of friends if you feel judged by your social position financially as it really shouldn't matter.

@SlightlyGeordieJohn im saying it seems nobody in my social circle has concerns at all…so overpaying mortgages and everything else with ease.

I suspect you could earn more if you pushed yourself, as actually you don’t earn particularly well for a solicitor at a top tier law firm. Not that I earn anything like as much as you do, I’m in a different industry, but friends who are lawyers were all six figure earners by the time they were qualified. If you’re an associate rather than a partner, eg, then you’ll have a big salary hike or two in your future.

I think you're wrong about people in your social circle and money.

It is simply untrue that they won't ever have any financial concerns.

They just won't tell you! They won't share their struggles!

But I guarantee they're all looking at their investments tanking at the moment! I guarantee they're watching their pension pots going down since the war.

But they just won't say anything!

Why do you think it's normal for other people to tell you about their financial weaknesses? It's not something that people share. It's something you speak to your partner about (if that!)

My question for you is why you're being so hard on yourself? What would you say to a friend in your situation?

We’re by far the lowest earners of our social circle (although as I said above manage fine as a family of 5 on the same income as you), but I really couldn’t care less. We do what we can afford, and not the stuff we can’t.

Yes this!

Time to speak to a recruiter and get a pay rise!

Some newly qualified lawyers get paid £65k in the regions, so get out there and get your raise.

That's obv not going to change your mentality and outlook, but it may assist!

I went to a private school and earn similar to you. Several of my friends are on 7 figure incomes and some have married CEOs of national and international companies. My close friendship circle has a a vast range of income from people working as TAs in schools to hedge fund managers but we always pitch our shared activities at a level where everyone can join in. Do you feel excluded or just different?

Tbf to the OP I would be far more prudent if it was just me responsible for mortgage & bills.

So you are only 32 and have paid 2/3 of a mortgage on a property on your own! That is more than anyone else I know.

How much should you be paying monthly on your mortgage and how much are you overpaying?

OP.... so after mortgage and pension, where is the other 2.5k (ish) going ?

Perhaps you should look at the situations of some people who earn less/have not achieved so much/are not as fortunate.

I can't say my heard bleeds for a 32yo on £65k.

I'm older than you and many of my friends (nurses, vets, midwives, teachers) are on far less than you and are not in a position to buy a house, even a 2 bed.

You don’t know how much they are overpaying, or what they finance.

I could understand you feeling left behind if you were living in London and working in banking, as you’re on less than a first-year graduate there, but you are not coming across well by complaining about your life when you just seem to be putting all of your (relatively) good salary away.

@Zemw and @Shinyandnew1 pay around 900 on mortgage, council tax and bills around 250. Credit card repayments 150. Student loans 350. Car/petrol/travel/food 600. Going out 200.

Where is your money going.

People with money can still suffer with their confidence, self-image and esteem problems, and emotionally. Op isn't ungrateful for what she has and she is talking about a perception problem of her own. I hope all of you putting the boot in are enjoying yourselves though.

How much of that £900 a month is an overpayment?

Are you over paying your student loan or is that what you expected today?

Sorry, I meant to say is that what you are expected to pay?

I have -10p in my bank.
I'm married and he's working for a very low wage right now. The money I bring in goes right away to pay for the month's activities and the food I need to make fresh meals.

We live in a part of the country considered quite rubbish, our house is under £400/month to rent from housing association. I love our house, our area, and have a lovely garden.

I'm happy. I have more than I could ever have hoped for; a secure home, enough money to live comfortably, a happy marriage, a beautiful child, and work that I genuinely enjoy.

I can't drive and have no career to speak of.

Maybe it is all about perspective and expectations? Whose expectations are you trying to fulfil?

I'm fulfilling mine.

Op - One as many pp have said you have a very shallow perspective on life & success. Especially at the moment.
Two, many people who seem to be materially successful aka big new car & house - Have amazing debts & are often teetering on financial ruin. Envy is the killer of joy - & if someone looks down on you & your home & judges you for it that says rather more about them than you. & if you think you are hard done by - get a life

You earn 65K, save 500 a month, have mostly paid off your house, have a car...

Listen. I earn 27K year, can barely save anything a month because I am paying off credit card debt I racked up due to being long term too ill to work. I can't afford a house because I can't save for a deposit. Can't afford a car. My mother and father were poor, like, no food and holes in shoes poor.

I have met people who are used to being around money and they don't realise how good they have it. This sounds like you. You ask why so many are being mean and it is because you have so so much and you feel it isn't enough. It is more than enough.

However, if your family and friends are all super rich, I can imagine they look down you for being just comfortably off. Lord knows what they'd say about me!

You need to alter your perspective and stop caring about displays of wealth and feeling like your house and your car and your salary aren't enough. Get some new more down-to-earth mates for that perspective and to feel less isolated. Volunteer somewhere. Do stuff for others-- giving and helping always boosts your own feeling of self-worth.

And if your rich family mock you, just tell them you feel that showing off with flashy houses and cars is a bit tacky.

So do these people not want to know you unless you have a certain amount of money?

We are very fortunate financially but we still drive a small and by now fairly battered 2013 Prius C.

If I thought anyone cared I wouldn't be that interested in hanging out with them. Nobody has ever said anything.

If your sense of self worth comes from how good you are at keeping up with the Joneses (aka your social circle) in material things, you will never be happy, no matter how successful you are.